cheaper than therapy

My Top Albums of 2011

2011-12-31T17:19:00.009-05:00

So, I am cheating a bit by creating a list of musical discoveries and then a list of other top albums. So, take these lists and make one huge one for yourself. There was too much really good music for me to make a list of 10-20 albums that stood out, especially since no 1 or 2 albums were head and shoulders above the rest. In fact, it was a sub par year for extraordinary albums. However, it was a great year for really good music.

You will notice many bands that made year end lists not on this one. Iron and Wine reminded me too much of the Dan Fogelberg Yacht Rock of the 70s. I felt the same regarding the over-hyped Bon Iver. His album was very solid, but his new Christopher Cross direction did not excite me. I am hoping that we stop encouraging these bearded guys before they become Kenny Loggins. That said, Holocene by Bon Iver is a great song.

You will also notice that Fleet Foxes is not on this list. They do not write good songs. There, I said it. It is pretentious, overly serious and on par with poetry that stays under a mattress. Civil Wars is nice, but ultimately makes me wish I was listening to Over the Rhine.

Enough ranting. Here is the list.

* Not ranked because it may be the best thing of the year, but I will not realize it until later because it was so out of left field award goes to King of Limbs by Radiohead. Listen on Spotify.

Honorable Mentions:

by Elbow, Strange Negotiations by David Bazan, Within and Without by Washed Out, Portamento by The Drums, Wounded Rhymes by Lykke Li, Cults by Cults and Only in Dreams by Dum Dum Girls.

25. The Black Keys- El Camino

Not their best, but still a blast to listen to.

24. Devotchka- 100 Lovers

This album got no love this year, which saddens me. If you have never heard their World pop, do yourself a favor and check them out. Listen on Spotify.

23. Deep Dark Woods-The Place I Left Behind

The kind of alternative country that fans of Fleet Foxes think they play. Listen to what they would sound like if they actually had the songs. Listen on Spotify.

22. Blind Pilot- Half Moon

Nobody writes prettier songs and if you are going to attempt to rewrite the soft rock of the 70s, it is better to focus on the actual song writing than the atmospherics (are you listening Fleet Foxes and Bon Iver?). Listen on Spotify.

21. Raphael Saadiq- Stone Rollin'

He's come a long way since his Prince wannabe days, and this exemplifies why he is the keeper of the mantle for a long gone Motown sound. He is a national treasure. Listen on Spotify.

20.Elbow- build a rocket boys!

There is the exact point in between Radiohead and Coldplay. Elbow lives and plays there. Listen on Spotify.

19. Demdike Stare- Tryptych

The deejay and composer practicing the dark arts as Demdike Stare are mis-classified as ambient. It is entirely too challenging and hard work to listen to for this classification. An album that makes you want to groove at times and sit contemplatively at others, it is the least predictable and third most interesting album I heard this year. Listen here.

18. The Roots- Undun

Not as accessible as the last few albums due to its difficult subject matter, the musicianship is still unparalleled. It would have been higher had it come out sooner and I had more time to digest it. Listen on Spotify.

17. Destroyer- Kaputt

Sexier and more soulful than his old stuff. But, just as eccentric. Thankfully. Listen on Spotify.

16. Gillian Welch- The Harrow and the Harvest

It took forever, but the wait is worth it. Listen on Spotify.

15. TV on the Radio- Nine Types of Light

A little mellower than previous releases, this is a surprisingly pretty album, especially Second Song, the lead single. Less Bowie and Talking Heads fixated, they are truly original now.

listen on Spotify

14. Frank Turner- England Keep my Bones

A praise and worship album to the saving power of rock 'n roll, personal responsibility and a life without God, this is an easy to enjoy album with lyrics that will confront those that claim Christianity as their lens. An exceptionally simple album along the lines of those by Ted Leo.

listen on Spotify

13. We Are Augustines- Rise Ye Sunken Ships

From the ashes of the great underground band Pela and the darkness of family tragedy comes this redemptive song cycle dedicated to the singer's dead brother. Beauty can come from ashes and that redemption is born of pain. If you do not believe it, I recommend a listen to this album while reading its back story. For fans of The National (like me).

listen on Spotify

12. St. Vincent- Strange Mercy

If you have never experienced the wonder to behold that is St. Vincent, today is a good time to start. She is Kate Bush for a new generation, with a bit of Fiona Apple's quirk. I could go on and on, but just enjoy the eccentric loveliness.

listen on Spotify

11. Kurt Vile- Smoke Ring for my Halo

Perfect companion piece for my #6 album, Vile's music is heavily influenced by the low-fi movement led by Pavement, Dinosaur Jr and Elliot Smith. While the Vile's singing and playing are so laid back and unaffected that they border laconic, it works in this context, especially on Jesus Fever. If I ever get sick, I hope it is from the Jesus Fever that Vile is spreading.

listen on Spotify

10. PJ Harvey- Let England Shake

I should tell you that when I saw her open for U2 in 2001, I was not happy. I acknowledge the talent, but she has never worked for me. Until now. Infinitely more focused and interesting than any of her so called "Angry Girl" albums, she has matured into a deeply political songwriter. No protest music out of America last year reached these heights. This is early-sixties protest movement for a disaffected England.

listen on Spotify

9. The Joy Formidable- The Big Roar

If you like thunderous music, full of swirling guitars and swagger, coupled with girl power, this perfectly named band is what you need. The Foo Fighters asked this band to open for them and will probably be embarrassed by how much better the crowd responds to these British dynamos. If you don't like this, you need to check your pulse and stop listening to so much sensitive guitar music before you die of musical boredom.

listen on Spotify

8. F---ed Up- David Comes to Life

Apparently a punk band will come out with an epic concept album each year that blows away people not predisposed to love their music. Last year, Titus Andronicus gave us the best album of the year, while this year, the Canadian post-punk/ post-hardcore with a name I cannot print due to the fact some people read this blog at church gives us an album that hearkens back to the classic hardcore of Black Flag, Husker Du and Fugazi, but with intricate instrumentation and melody coupled with the aggression. If you want to get your blood pumping, play this... LOUD.

listen on Spotify

7. Tom Waits- Bad as Me

While most artists in their 60s are playing the Oldies' circuits, making Boomers happy while reliving their old glories and reminding people how irrelevant they are, Tom Waits is making some of the best music of his long and storied career. While not his strangest album, this is not safe music. I dream of being this cool one day.

listen on Spotify

6. The War on Drugs- Slave Ambient

Sting once said that all artists steal. He just happens to steal from the best sources. Well, these guys steal from the best sources in rock history, Springsteen, U2, Neil Young and Dylan, yet sound like none of them individually. At once a mellow listen, yet driving and intense, I can think of very few bands that can pull off that combination. You can tell Kurt Vile was once in this band. If you like one, you will like both.

listen on Spotify

5. M83- Hurry Up, We're Dreaming

The soundtrack to a John Hughes movie that sadly never existed, this album will transport its listeners back to 1986 and OMD or Echo and the Bunnymen with the most joyous album of the year. Midnight City is by far the best song of the year and makes me want to break out the International News jacket and put on some Polo cologne. They've changed direction more than most bands during the past decade, but stayed interesting.

listen on Spotify

4. The Antlers- Burst Apart

I guess this album is a disappointment since it does not top my list like their album Hospice did in 2009. Not really though. A natural baritone that dances on the edge with one of the best falsettos in rock music, lead singer Peter Silberman learned a lot from the Jeff Buckleys and Thom Yorkes of the world before venturing into his own direction, releasing an album of dramatic heights without the depressive elements of their last album. After their last 2 releases, I am declaring these guys one of the best bands in America.

listen on Spotify

3. King Creosote and Jon Hopkins- Diamond Mine

I am never sure what people mean when they say something is "mood music." All music is mood music in my estimation. If I'm in the mood to dance, I won't listen to Metallica. However, I think this album is what people mean when they use the term. Unfathomably moody and simply beautiful, retaining classical form, but infused with electronica. Sad. But in a very good way.

listen to Spotify

2. Wye Oak- Civilian

Ambiguously spiritual lyrics of Biblical imagery with ethereal female pop vocals and the most feedback and distortion of the year. Sounds like a recipe for an A+ in the Rick Bennett music class. This is a special album full of worshipful music, the kind I wish churches played. Like many of the top albums on this list, it transports the listener to another place (and sounds particularly good with earphones on).

listen on Spotify

1. Colin Stetson- New History of Warfare, Volume 2

That is correct. The best album of the year for my highly personal list is by a bass saxophonist (and no one else). Stetson has played with Arcade Fire, the National and Bon Iver, among others. It is truly like nothing else I have ever heard and pretty much incapable of explaining. That said, I return to the album all the time. It is not jazz, ambient or rock. However, it is all of the above and not as challenging as my words imply.

listen on Spotify

My Favorite Musical Discoveries of 2011

2011-12-30T17:36:00.006-05:00

While 2011 was not the banner year for music that 2010 was (Arcade Fire, The National, Kanye West, LCD Soundsystem, Titus Andronicus, Deerhunter, Janelle Monae, Black Keys, Mumford, Frightened Rabbit, Sleigh Bells, The Walkmen and Anais Mitchell would each top this year's list), it was a better year for new artists and discoveries of unknown artists that have been around a while.

I will release my list of top albums Sunday. However, here is my list of the top musical discovery albums of the year. The numbers and rankings are somewhat arbitrary and could change tomorrow.

Worth mentioning, but not on the list officially because they did not release full albums, only EPs:

Alabama Shakes- Alabama Shakes (spend $4 now)

Imagine Janis Joplin's multi-ethnic granddaughter fronting early Kings of Leon, but influenced by soul, gospel and the dirt around Muscle Shoals, Alabama. The 4 songs they have given us so far are more exciting than anything I have heard this year (and pretty uplifting).

Typhoon- A New Kind of House

4 songs that tell me they are the best young cacophonous Indie- Folk band coming out with a CD in 2012. Imagine a young Arcade Fire with even more complex orchestration.

Listen on Spotify

Just missing the cut:

The Ghost of Tom Joad, Saigon, Megafaun, Bahamas, East River Pipe, Sin Fang, Childish Gambino, Shafer James, David Wax Museum

15. Foster the People- Torches

Yes, there is a lot of hype and they could travel down the road of Maroon 5 and Coldplay. But, as of yet, this is a great young band. Pumped Up Kicks is merely the 3rd or 4th best song on the album. Houdini is one of the best songs of the year.

14. Shabazz Palaces- Black Up

For once, a Pitchfork review is spot on. Read it. Innovative, highly complex hip hop from a masterful rapper. If you've heard of math rock, think of this as Math Rap.

listen on Spotify

13. Caveman- Coco Beware

You have probably heard similar bands before, but very nice, complex, Indie Rock that is pretty to listen to while transporting you to a very pleasant field someplace is something you need. They remind me of buzz bands like Local Natives from last year.

listen on Spotify

12. The Poison tree- The Poison Tree

My friend Steve thinks this is the best album of the year. He may be right, but I haven't sat with this album as much as he has. Still, this is great music, hearkening back to eras that are long past, yet modern. I think my parents would love the tin pan alley feel while I'm interested in the moodiness.

listen on Spotify

11. The Mountaineering Club Orchestra- A Start on Such a Night is Full of Promise

The soundtrack for a movie I wish existed. This classically infused beaut is my favorite ambient album of the year (followed closely by Demdike Stare). If you are looking for something to play while working or in the background, buy it (I think it would be great for church also).

You can listen and buy it at Bandcamp and name your price.

10. Frank Ocean- Nostalgia, Ultra

Another free album, Frank is bringing back 70's soul stylings for a hip-hop generation. the lyrics are a little beyond my comfort level at times, but the music is what I imagine Al Green or Marvin Gaye would be playing if they were coming out after Jay-Z and Kanye West changed the landscape so radically.

listen here

9. Wu Lyf- Go Tell Fire on the Mountain

Hard to describe band from England that classifies itself as Heavy Pop. Messy music consisting of passionate vocals, smart lyrics, swirling guitars. Not for everyone, but I like it.

listen on Spotify

8. Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr.- It's a Corporate World

Goofy, but great named project from Detroit that Paste magazine coins "indie-alt-digital-folk-garage-rock-pop." There is a kitchen sink vibe to their music which reminds me of the smoothness of Earlimart or Granddaddy.

listen on Spotify

7. Youth Lagoon- The Year of Hibernation

One kid from Idaho making the kind of music I would make if I was alone in Idaho: melancholy. This is the best of the new bands making music straddling the fence between Sigur Ros and Arcade Fire (although the mellowest example). If you like this kind of music, but want a little more oomph, I recommend Of Monsters and Men, which is not on the list because their album is not officially available in the US (or they would be in the top 3).

listen to Spotify

6. EMA- Past Life Martyred Saints

She calls it Noise Folk and I am grateful to find someone that has the edge of mid-career Hole. It is angry, raw, emotional and definitely noisy. I thought the supergroup Wild Flag would make this list, but listening to this album I realized that, while there are a couple of great songs on the Wild Flag album, I was including it on the list because I wanted to like it as much as I liked this album.

listen on Spotify

5. Diego Garcia- Laura

The most painfully gorgeous album of the year, my wife thinks I listen to it when I want to get depressed. Garcia was the lead singer of the band Elephant before deciding he would embrace his Argentinian heritage and create a masterful paean to his ex-wife full of sad flamenco touches over the kind of crooning the guys on American idol wish they were capable of. If you love Iron and Wine or Bon Iver, check him out. He is more interesting and reminds me of a young, Spanish Leonard Cohen.

listen on Spotify

4. tUnE-yArDs- WHOKILL

People are justifiably nuts over this album. Imagine the spot where Sleigh Bells meets St. Vincent... especially if the Dirty Projectors were behind it and you will see why every hipster and Indie critic thinks they have heard the musical equivalent of the Second Coming. OK, the hype is out of hand, but its a band with serious potential. If these songs were on Just Dance 3, I would be there with a Wii remote in my hand.

listen on Spotify

3. The Vaccines- What Do You Expect from the Vaccines?

My favorite album of the year when I want to rock and roll. If bands like The Hives, The Strokes and the Arctic Monkeys bore you, then stay away from this band of snotty fans of U2 and The Ramones. In a world in which people know what rock and roll is supposed to sound like, these guys would be HUGE.

listen on Spotify

2. The Head and the Heart- The Head and the Heart

For fans of Mumford and Sons, Civil Wars, The Avett Brothers and other neo-folk bands, these guys have the songwriting down. While none of their songs will blow you away with their originality, you will find yourself returning to this album continually. I expected this album to blow up like Coldplay and Mumford, and it will if people find out about them. Pitchfork hates them, which is always a good sign.

Trust me and listen on Spotify

1. The Weeknd- Echos of Silence

Echos is the 3rd of 3 free mix tapes released by this Canadian soul singer in 2011. All 3 are wonderful and free on his website. While lyrically, as a 40 year white guy dad, I can get a bit prudish when all a guy seems to talk about is sex; I have to admit he does it well. He channels Michael Jackson and Marvin Gaye simultaneously, so I recommend any youth ministers that believe in the True Love Waits program should keep their kids very far away from this album. I call his music Indie Soul, so check it out. He is gonna be huge.

Listen and download

Top Faith Based Albums of 2011

2011-12-29T13:02:00.003-05:00

I don't listen to a lot of so called "Christian" music. I could go into my typical rant, but it is old hat and bores even me. That said, I found a few albums that come from a Christian worldview that are marketing specifically to Christian audiences (one is more mainstream) that I liked quite a lot.

While they are not making my list of top albums, coming out in the next couple of days, I want to emphasize their inherent quality, especially for those that listen to such music.

5) Damion Suomi and the Minor Prophets- Go and Sell All of Your Things

A beer soaked folk rock album full of praise songs for drunken revelry and open questioning of faith. You have heard it all before, but that doesn't make it any less fun... or thought provoking. Suomi stands in a long line of deeply afflicted, yet strongly Christian musicians, including Larry Norman, The 77's and Bill Mallonee. Here is a good review from Paste Magazine.

listen on Spotify

4) Gungor- Ghosts Upon the Earth

The opposite of beer soaked, this honest and quite beautiful endeavor is Michael Gungor's best set yet. Mis-classified as a worship artist, most of Gungor's songs are too complex for the average church setting desiring Chris Tomlin's last copy of every Coldplay trope in the book. Gungor's lyrics are refreshingly honest and the music is definitely in the Sufjan Stevens meets Sigur Ros at an Arcade Fire concert hymnal presently employed by most "Indie-Rock." I love his voice, mostly because it reminds me of one of my best friends, Michael Johnston of the criminally underrated Smalltown Poets.

listen on Spotify

3) John Mark McMillan- Economy

Hopefully, this is what worship music will sound like in the coming years in churches, as people grow tired of the same old sanitized lyrics and melodies of Tomlin, Redmon and Crowder. In fact, this is what Crowder should sound like (even if he changes the lyrics of McMillan songs to refine and popularize them, robbing them of their power in the process). McMillan obviously genuflects before Bruce Springsteen, like some of the best young bands in America, owing as much to Gaslight Anthem and Brit Rock as to the Boss. While the melodies stand out, it is the lyrics that I would love to hear in church, deeply embracing grace while flirting with darkness and depression. It is rock and roll and it is refreshing, to say the least.

listen on Spotify

2) Josh Garrels- Love and War and the Sea in Between

First of all, just click the link above and get this album for free. While the previous albums are best appreciated by those that share some faith interest with the musicians, this stands out as an albums I recommend to anyone that likes soulful indie-folk. While in the ultra-serious vein of Ray Lamontagne and Iron and Wine, Garrels stands out from the crowd with his arrangements. He is the best mainstream artist operating in the Christian marketplace at this time. I could go on, but since it is a free album, I see no reason. Just get the darn thing.

1) Aaron Strumpel- Birds

As I said when it was initially released, if there is anyone more compelling and original in the so called "Christian" market, I have yet to hear it. Wondrously off-kilter, Birds reminds me of the best Indie films, at once oft-putting and impossible to resist without the obvious narrative we expect from Hollywood (or Nashville). While this album and Garrels' are equally good, Birds gets the nod due to its originality.

What Rob Bell's next step really is

2011-09-23T13:37:00.003-04:00

After much soul searching, I have decided to end this blog’s primary function as outlet for my weirdness. Instead, I realize there is a much needed service to the Church. While Christianity Today and other outlets report on the facts, what we need now is a rumor, innuendo and gossip blog. Of course, that is unacceptable, so officially this will be a

PRAYER and CONCERN for Church Leadership blog.

First order of business is getting to the bottom of the “Rob Bell leaves resigns from his church” media storm (ok, not a storm, since the Christian world is pretty small).

Christianity Today shared the resignation letter:

Feeling the call from God to pursue a growing number of strategic opportunities, our founding pastor Rob Bell, has decided to leave Mars Hill in order to devote his full energy to sharing the message of God's love with a broader audience.

It is with deeply mixed emotions that we announce this transition to you. We have always understood, encouraged, and appreciated the variety of avenues in which Rob's voice and the message of God's tremendous love has traveled over the past 12 years. And we are happy and hopeful that as Rob and Kristen venture ahead, they will find increasing opportunity to extend the heartbeat of that message to our world in new and creative ways.

Of course, this is the official story. I have been on the phone all day and can report on some of the possibilities, rumors and gossip that a publication like Christianity Today is too scared to print. Here are the possibilities, followed by the thoughts of your fearless reporter.

1. According to his personal trainer, Rob Bell has resigned from Mars Hill Church to become a Mixed Martial Arts fighter. After one too many insults from the likes of Mark Driscoll and his manly minions, Rob has chosen to take the time he has used for Bible Study in the past to take his body to new heights, preparing for a late Spring date with Mark Driscoll on the Church Channel’s new reality show, UFP (Ultimate Fighting Pastor). He plans to take down Dirscoll, followed in short order by Perry Noble, before taking down the entire Acts 29 leadership in a cage match.

Upon winning, Bell will take control of Mars Hill, Seattle and return to the pastorate as leader of the new multi-site congregation, Mars Hill, America. “I am planning on showing Driscoll what Hell on Earth feels like,” is what he told his trainer.

There is no verification of this by independent sources.

2. I spoke earlier today with a realtor in the tony Naples island suburb of Marco Island, home to Bell’s hero and mentor, Brian McLaren. He told me that a bespectacled man from Michigan is hoping to by a large home in McLaren’s neighborhood. According to other sources, Bell is moving closer to McLaren to learn how to make a living as a supposedly heretical Evangelical writer.

3. There is no truth to the rumor that Rob Bell is behind the recent break up of R.E.M., even though Stipe was seen boarding a flight to Grand Rapids the same day as the announcement. Bell continually brings up the fact that he was a great musician and possible rock star in interviews. Although, he has expressed interest in starting a band after retirement, there is no independent verification that he is actually any good at music.

4. A spokesman at Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis, MN has told this reporter that Bell stepped down to become a member of BBC under the leadership of John Piper. “Piper reached out to Bell after the Love Wins controversy. Upon seeing the error of his ways, Bell decided to step down from the pulpit and come under the tutelage of a real theologian and pastor.

Again, no independent verification.

5. Wanting to study the doctrine of hell more closely and get a handle on what hell is really like, Bell has decided to run for Congress and move to D.C.

6. There is no truth to the rumor that he will be taking over Apple. This was of great concern to the Calvinists that use Macs.

7. CT's Andy Crouch tells me that Rob has left Mars Hill to focus on his new full-time endeavor, ignoring controversy and not responding. Crouch says, "Rob felt the church took his focus off ignoring outside opinion. It is a fulltime job to not listen to the criticism by haters."

8. One rumor that has been verified is this: Grand Rapids is a cultural backwater and miserable place to live that sucks in the winter. Bell is rich enough to get out of the dying city and state before his congregants figure out that they hate living in Grand Rapids as much as he does.

Vegas odds on where he moves are:

2-1 New York City
3-1 Los Angeles
6-1 Arizona in a trade to take over new pastor Shane Hipps’ former church
25-1 Seattle to live next door to Mark Driscoll
Even- the outskirts of Chicago in 2 years to take over Willow Creek
10-1 Florida

Mark Driscoll admits to Injecting Bible with Steroids

2011-07-14T17:59:00.001-04:00

I wrote this a year and a half ago. It seems appropriate today.

I have just intercepted this press release from 2015.

Statement to Members of the Press

From Mars Hill Church, Seattle, Washington. (January 12, 2015).

Due to rumors surrounding the use of performance enhancing drugs among pastors during the past 2 decades, the elders of Mars Hill Church, including Pastor Emeritus Mark Driscoll, have chosen to address this issue at this time.

From Pastor Mark:

“Now that I have retired from the pastorate to become Commissioner of Ultimate Christian Fighting®, an organization I started with the leaders of Acts 29 in 2011 to introduce young men to a more muscular version of Christianity, I have the chance to do something that I wish I was able to do a few years ago.

I never knew when, but I always knew this day would come. It's time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected. I used steroids during my preaching career and I apologize. Now, understand, I never used steroids personally and never consumed them in my body. My body is the product of good genes, hours in a gym, beer and naturally high levels of testosterone (I have stated before and will continue to state that Jesus had the highest levels of testosterone in human history). The steroids I used were injected directly into 3 areas; 1) My Bible, 2) The Gospel itself, 3) My preaching and writing.

I remember trying steroids very briefly in the 1996 church planting assessments in my preaching only and then after I saw how disturbingly wimpy emerging Christianity was becoming in 1999, I used steroids again, this time directly infusing my Bible with them. I used them on regularly throughout the Aughts, including during the days surrounding controversies with other preachers when I questioned their sexuality. My statement surrounding the fact that I could not follow a Jesus I could beat up was influenced by a steroid influenced Gospel, as was my preaching, teaching and commentary related to sex, sexuality and women’s issues. My Bible was completely addicted to these unnaturally high levels of testosterone.

While steroids have been rumored in the areas of my preaching directly related to my usage of harsh language and profanity before my repentance of such childishness, I would like to remind readers of this statement I am Irish and I did watch a lot of Chris Rock.

I wish I had never preached a steroid influenced Gospel. It was foolish and it was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had never pastored during the steroid era. I watched as many good pastors and theologians decided to emasculate Jesus and turn him into our sissified best friend. I saw liberal theology seeping into the pores of our schools and the young men becoming preachers. I saw God turned into a servant for our desires and a Gospel that no longer took sin seriously. Because of that, I turned to steroids. I am embarrassed for what I did, but my heart was as pure as the heart of a reformed person, sinful at birth and dead in that sin, although saved by grace alone can be (TULIP still rocks!).

Preaching is really different now -- it's been cleaned up. God and the theological unions implemented testing and they cracked down, and I'm glad they did. I'm grateful to the elders of Mars Hill and the board of directors at Ultimate Christian Fighting® for testing my Gospel and Biblical understanding, as well as my old sermon streams (can you believe people still use youtube?) before confronting me. Yes, there was outside pressure, which I usually ignore. But, my mentors would not let it go. It is nice, as I get older to walk into a church and not need to worry about the language of the pastor, whether or not he will goop (so much better than tweeting, hah) in 25 characters some insult towards others, and not have the ladies of my life insulted.

I do need to apologize to many of the young men that followed me on twitter, watched and listened to my sermons, came to Acts 29 events and worshiped my church and its teachings. They decided that they could do everything that I did. I truly believe that many people were hurt by their reckless usage of a steroid influenced gospel. In fact, I did not know that these followers were so immature that they would merely copy me without using their own brains. I should have been a better role model. They should have not been working their own anger issues out in front of their churches. This morning via conference tweet I spoke to many of those young men I have influenced throughout the years through my preaching and teaching of a steroid influenced Gospel. They were noticeably upset. As they are tested, please be gentler on them than they were on their congregations.

I want to say thank you to John Piper for always giving me a hard time about my Gospel testosterone levels, to my children (girls included), wife, and to my Acts 29 teammates. I want to make sure wives know that they do not need to be hot and keep up to magazine standards to keep their husbands from straying (although it does help) and you don’t have to do absolutely anything your husband wants you to do sexually. I also want people to know Jesus does have a sensitive side also. However, it is still a sin to drink lite beer.

After all this time, I want to come clean. I was not in a position to do that five years ago in my interviews with Christianity Today, but now I feel an obligation to discuss this and to answer questions about it.

I'll do that, and then I just want to help my team."

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT: XXXXXXXXXXXXX

PHONE: XXX-XXX-XXXX

Date of release: January 12, 2015

Caveat: note to followers of Mark Driscoll and others that take themselves and their fiefdoms way too seriously, please note that I just made fun of your enemy (the Emerging Church). I make fun of things. It is what I do. I know Mark. We have had good times together in the past, usually surrounding mutual loves of Jesus, baseball, cigars and beer. I doubt he would be offended by my gentle poking.

John Piper Clarifies Tweets regarding Rob Bell

2011-03-15T07:48:00.006-04:00

Late Breaking News from Minneapolis

Rob Bell was not the only Christian celebrity speaking to his followers via streaming online video on Monday evening. John Piper, in a hastily thrown together video chat on his website (www.desiringgod.org), answered reporters questions regarding his previous tweet which had created the firestorm of blogs postings, tweets and facebook rants on the supposed content of Rob Bell's newest book, Love Wins.

In an opening statement, an unnamed twenty-something spokesman for Piper declared that the controversy was entirely overblown and without merit. Piper was disappointed that his words had been taken out of context and that so much buzz had been created for a book by a pastor with a mere Master of Divinity and no advanced theological training. Said the statement, "While I am sure Rob is a wonderful guy, his books should not be selling as well as mine due to the fact his followers are not as well educated and he is lacking the proper credentials, credentials that would put his theological ramblings in proper alignment."

Asked why his press conference/ web chat was happening at the same time as a Rob Bell event in New York City, the spokesman explained that "Reformed Christians, or should I say, Christians, need to have their focus on the truth of the Gospel and Hell, not be distracted by a rock star talking about love. Who does he think he is, Bono?"

At this time, Dr. Piper came to the podium to explain his tweet. Piper explained that the tweet in question, in which he said "Farewell, Rob Bell" before sharing the link to a review of the book by a Conservative blogger with no actual knowledge of the contents of the book, was out of context.

"Actually I said, Fare Well, Rob Bell," which is a completely different sentiment. For one thing, it flows poetically. That anyone would think that I would create such an awkward couplet as the actual tweet is preposterous. I have modeled my use of language after the Puritan poet/ theologians like Jonathan Edwards. Secondly, I realized that much controversy would arise surrounding his book, so I wanted to offer a word of encouragement and hope that he fares well with this. Lastly, as any reader of Old English understands, 'fare-thee-well' is a statement of hope for perfection."

When asked about the actual tweet, Piper answered, "Dang autocorrect. I don't know what kind of Communists they have running Apple, but their Big Brother attitude towards typing is ridiculous."

At this time, Piper left the podium, abruptly ending the news conference/ chat. His spokesman told those gathered that Piper would be retreating to his home to read Jonathan Edwards' responses to bad press before reading tweets about the Rob Bell event in New York City.

UPDATE:

Later that evening, after watching a bit of Rob Bell's stream, John Piper's twitter account shared this tweet, "Farewell, Rob Bell, You I tell, There is a Hell." A spokesman asserted the veracity of the tweet.

Free Music from The Head and The Heart

2011-02-24T19:07:00.002-05:00

Musicians I want the Wild Goose Festival to Bring!

2011-02-23T11:30:00.006-05:00

The Wild Good Fest, a new American progressive Christian festival announced its lineup of speakers a couple of days ago. It is littered with friends of mine and my wife, so we are thinking of heading to the woods of North Carolina to hook up with old friends and new at this Americanized version of Greenbelt, the English Festival I have never attended.

Earlier today it released its musician list, which is of more interest to me. They had already announced two artists, Denison Witmer and the incomparable T-Bone Burnett. While I know they are trying to make it diverse, I was sure lineup would lean heavily towards the folkie/ singer songwriter genre. It always happens. Its what progressively minded intellectuals usually listen to. I was right. With a few notable exceptions, it is heavily earnest guy or girl with guitar.

I created my list before they announced, so I am happy some including Sarah Mason, Over the Rhine and Bill Mallonee were included. Some, such as Bajah and the Dry-Eye Crew and Michelle Shocked, are inspired (I missed her on my list).

That said, I am announcing the lineup I was wishing for. Since I used to be a concert promoter, have written critically about music and been considered an expert on the subject for 20 plus years, I thought someone out there may want to know my opinion. However, Wild Goose hasn't asked me for my opinion. They probably know better than asking a music snob.

So here we go.

First of all we have the No Brainers and the people I am sure they have asked (I am guessing most of these artists were out of their price range or too busy). If they haven't asked these people, I am very surprised. These musicians have shown that they stand for what the WGF is about. I have starred the musts, in my eyes. Some of these are among my faves, but many are a little mainstream for my tastes:

Jennifer Knapp, The Psalters, mewithoutYou* (in whatever incarnation), Sarah Mason*, Glenn Phillips* (formerly of Toad the Wet Sprocket), Derek Webb, Bill Mallonee of Vigilantes of Love*, the Flobots*, Damien Jurado, David Bazan*, Danielson (probably too big in their own eyes), David Vendervelde, Sam Phillips (probably uninterested due to inclusion of ex-husband), Cobalt Season*, Julie and Buddy Miller, Tom Conlon, Maeve, Bruce Cockburn, Indigo Girls (although too big probably), John Austin*, Michael knott, Sixpence none the Richer, the Choir.

Lovedrug (not a big fan), Jars of Clay, Mutemath and Switchfoot would be very smart choices and give a nice buzz. In fact, I would try to get Jon Foreman of Switchfoot to come solo or with his other side projects. I would also try to get Glen Phillips side project called Works Progress Administration.

The Civil Wars would be a coup, but should be asked.

Speaking of coups:

These artists are probably too big, but worth a looksy. One might say yes, especially in the future (or one of the members of a band could come solo). Some are serious home runs and dreams only, while others may say yes and still be a coup.

Moby*, Sufjan Stevens, Owl City, Ben Folds, Lauryn Hill, Arcade Fire:), Avett Brothers (live right down the street), Mumford and Sons (of course), Nick Cave*, Mindy Smith, Patty Griffin, Joseph Arthur (solo or with his band Fistful of Mercy), Elvis Perkins, Frightened Rabbit, BRMC (doable)*, Social Distortion, Local Natives, Joy Formidable, Gaslight Anthem and The Hold Steady.

All of these artists embody a similar spiritual side, whatever their professed belief system.

Hip Hop Artists to Ask:

Gift of Gab* (and his band Blackalicious), Pigeon John, K'naan, Lateef, Prodigal Son, Emmanuel Jal**, Talib Kweli, Lupe Fiasco, Chuck Rite (singer).

Electronic Music or DJs:

I don't listen to many that have any expressed spirituality. However, Andy Hunter and Todd Edwards are interesting to some. And Son Lux would be a wonderful addition!

Interesting worship leaders:

Gungor or Shawn Aaron Thomas. Both fit in their ethos.

Since they are connected to Greenbelt in some ways, these former Greenbelt musicians could be interesting:

Iain Archer, Maria McKee* (I cannot imagine. This would blow me away), Sixpence none the Richer, Michael Franti and Spearhead* (coup), ryoksopp.

Special Music:

Sacred harp sing-a-long, led by an expert (I know one). This would fit with the mountains of NC and tie it to our religious heritage.

Smart Choices (look these musicians up):

Ani Moss and the Unfortunate, Songs of Water* (from NC), Lauren Mann, 10 Centuries, Timbre*, Exebelle and Rusted Calvacade (smart alt country from Virginia), Damion Suomi**, Sharon Van Etten, Lost in the Trees (NC band), Charlie Sexton, Manchester Orchestra, Page France, Alexander and the Grapes, The OaKs, Bryant Park Quartet/ ACME.

Any of those would be inspired choices. Most of the musicians have very little following (except Lost in the Trees, Manchester Orchestra, Sharon Van Etten and Charlie Sexton) but the value-add would be huge.

Lastly, here is my Top 10 of who I wanted to see at Wild Goose Festival and Why:

1. Hey Rosetta!- Canadian band with the same spiritual flavor as Mumford and Sons or Coldplay, they are passionate orchestral pop that have much in common with Coldplay, Mumford, Ra Ra Riot, Arcade Fire and Sigur Ros. Check out the video to Yer Spring to see what I mean. I like them much better than Coldplay or Mumford.

2. Aradhna- Hindi lyrics and music with Christian themes.

3. Jim White- a former Pentacostal with interesting views on Christianity and spirituality, he has created a spot where electronica and alt country meet.

4. The Mountain Goats- no one talks about Christianity and the Bible quite like these guys.

5. Jeff Mangum- he is touring and he is the most important musician of the last 20 years most people don't know. His band Neutral Milk Hotel influenced everyone Indie before breaking up. All the hip young Indie hipster Christian kids know that he sings about Jesus in a way most people could never get away with.

6. The Cave Singers- interesting Americana band from Seattle of indeterminate Spirituality. Check out the video to Dancing on Our Graves.

7. Peter Himmelman-Conservative Jew from Minneapolis and the best performer I have ever seen. He is known as Bob Dylan's son-in-law, but he is on par with Dylan lyrically.

8. K'naan- the Somali/ Canadian rapper would blow the roof off the joint and fit in well with the theme of social justice. He is the closest thing to Bob Marley alive right now.

9. Todd Snider-great performer and masterful songwriter, Todd is also serious about speaking out on Christianity and politics.

10. Asthmatic Kitty night- Pick who could come from Sufjan Steven's label. DM Stith would bring a great mood to the proceedings and the Welcome Wagon would help people wishing they could see Sufjan Stevens. Fol Chen, My Brightest Diamond and Julianna Barwick would be interesting selections. Heck just bring one of these performers or their partner in crime, St. Vincent (so she could sing, Jesus Saves, I spend).

There you have it. My perfect lineup for such a festival. maybe next year:)

Song of the Year, 2010- Why We Build The Wall

2011-01-06T10:18:00.006-05:00

I am not sure I will start blogging again. However, a few (very few) people want to know my music selections for 2010. Since I am not employed by a newspaper with a deadline, I know I can take my time (plus I wanted to wait to hear everything I could in 2010).

Over the next few days I will offer my Top Albums (yes, I still listen to fully developed albums, not just mp3s of a single song), my playlist of the best songs/ my favorites of the year (I will put a mix tape on drop box for anyone interested) and today's entry:

Song of the Year

By declaring song of the year, I am not saying this is the best song in 2010. In fact, it was not. However, this song fully captures the spirit of 2010. It is a haunting track off Anais Mitchell's powerful Folk Opera based upon the myth of Orpheus, Hadestown (an easy top 10 album). This albums has guests like Ani DiFranco and Justin Vernon (Bon Iver), but the highlight of the album is this song which captures that 2010 spirit, espeically in light of Tea Parties, Immigration reform, mosque battles, recession and people in need and the response many of us have to those we consider "other", "different," or "outsider."

There is no real video, but here it is on youtube coupled with another song. Listen to Why We Build the Wall by Anais Mitchell and Greg Brown:

Here are the lyrics:

HADES
Why do we build the wall?
My children, my children
Why do we build the wall?

CERBERUS
Why do we build the wall?
We build the wall to keep us free
That’s why we build the wall
We build the wall to keep us free

HADES
How does the wall keep us free?
My children, my children
How does the wall keep us free?

CERBERUS
How does the wall keep us free?
The wall keeps out the enemy
And we build the wall to keep us free
That’s why we build the wall
We build the wall to keep us free

HADES
Who do we call the enemy?
My children, my children
Who do we call the enemy?

CERBERUS
Who do we call the enemy?
The enemy is poverty
And the wall keeps out the enemy
And we build the wall to keep us free
That’s why we build the wall
We build the wall to keep us free

HADES
Because we have and they have not!
My children, my children
Because they want what we have got!

CERBERUS
Because we have and they have not!
Because they want what we have got!
The enemy is poverty
And the wall keeps out the enemy
And we build the wall to keep us free
That’s why we build the wall
We build the wall to keep us free

HADES
What do we have that they should want?
My children, my children
What do we have that they should want?

CERBERUS
What do we have that they should want?
We have a wall to work upon!
We have work and they have none
And our work is never done
My children, my children
And the war is never won
The enemy is poverty
And the wall keeps out the enemy
And we build the wall to keep us free
That’s why we build the wall
We build the wall to keep us free
We build the wall to keep us free

feel free to share your thoughts

Save the Blue Like Jazz Movie

2010-09-30T14:23:00.004-04:00

About a year an a half ago a dear friend , one of the producers of the Blue Like Jazz film project sent me the script to read and evaluate. He also wanted me to share my thoughts with the world. I did in May of 2009. Things were progressing well and my friend was raising funds for the film. Casting looked strong and their was good buzz. However, there were financial humps that could not be overcome, mostly due to the fact that those with the money (older, more conservative Christians) did not like the script and those that would like the script and film (younger, more open-minded Christians and spiritually minded persons) do not have deep pockets.

It was announced not too long ago that the project was dead. However some enterprising young me, probably wanting to be producers in their own rights have come up with an ingenious plan, obvious int eh world of Radiohead's pay-what-you-want, but still new to the film world. They have devised a plan for people to help save the film by giving money to the project and becoming, in effect, producers of a piece of art they want to see. As a former concert promoter that spent much of his own money on bands I wanted to see, I love the idea and want to support it.

So, here is my little way of helping. Please go to their site if you are a fan of the book and want to see it made into a film. If you are unsure, read my analysis of the script. The script has been changed since I evaluated it (and I have heard, some of the changes are reflective of my ideas- they were ideas by many readers, not just me).

So, here is the site to save the movie. Follow them on twitter. Give money for good art and spread the word.

Here is my reprinted analysis:

There is no other reason that a person of my stature with only a few hundred readers would get his hands on the screenplay that many are talking about. The only other thing I have read is from Gabe Lyons, and I am not Gabe Lyons. He produces big conferences and writes books. I write a blog and have better hair and music taste. Plus, I did not love the book. I merely liked the book, but I was not its main audience (too old and cynical).

To be Hollywood-y, I will tell you to think The Graduate meets Fight Club, without the sex, violence and multiple personalities. It is not your preacher's Christian film. In fact, it is light years away from and ahead of what normally passes for "Christian" entertainment (Fireproof, etc). The reason for this is a different agenda. Imagine getting a bunch of talented people together (that just happen to be Christians). Imagine that they have one goal and that goal is not to make a Christian film, or evangelize. Imagine that goal is simply to make a very good film that entertains, but the main character happens to have a Christian background which he is struggling with.

This friend wanted my honest assessment and I can tell you this… it is quite good. It is funny, edgy (but not too edgy- I wish it were more so, but I hate edge just to be edgy- see garden State), honest, brash and humble. Yes, the comparisons to Garden State, Good Will Hunting, All the Real Girls, Juno and Little Miss Sunshine, and any other coming of age story are warranted. It is a Christian Indie flick, and it works. It is reasonably Sundance-y and will be embraced by a similar audience, unless the audience is prejudiced.

They have started with the thing any film must have to be good... a very good script. Now it is up to the filmmakers to make the movie the screenplay deserves.

It is not as witty as Juno (which is not a bad thing- Juno may have been too witty), but is much more realistic than Garden State and its ending does not make you suspend any disbelief (unlike GS), which you have to do in Elizabethtown and any other hackneyed romantic dramedy masquerading as a personal growth flicks. No airport reunions here. Thank God. I start with the ending because it has broken many good movies in the past (you know, guy gets resolution to all his problems and the girl in the last 5 minutes).

Luckily, this ending gives you just what you need to be satisfied (and maybe shed a real tear) without resorting to the tricks of most Hollywood films. That is a credit to the filmmakers. In fact, the ending of this film is its strength. It is nice to see such a strong pay off and I hope the filmmakers keep it. Test audiences be damned if they don’t like it! Plus, the redemptive spirit of the final act is powerful and I connected with it because of similar experiences in college, mostly due to the grace of friends after I was broken by my own stupidity. I connected with that and the writer's disdain for Christianeze like "Bro" which I also despise.

Don't get me wrong, the screenplay is not perfect. There are a few flourishes I appreciate, but am skeptical of seeing done on screen. However, seldom have I seen a screenplay (or film for that matter) which does make me say, "I may have done that differently," or "is that really the best option?"

That said, Blue Like Jazz will be a Rorschach test for its viewers, with each of their own prejudices brought to bear. It mines Christian and secular Left stereotypes (both of which I find in myself), finding something in each to laugh at, but moves beyond these to find the humanity in "the other" each audience member has dismissed in the past. This happens if that audience member chooses to let go and become enraptured by this painfully funny tale based upon Don Miller’s own life, but fictionalized. It is not for the closed minded, no matter what their stripe, but neither was the book. The first scenes will find audiences not embracing the “Christian” label squirming because of the insider church language. However, the setup is needed and without this the pathos of the central character would be unexplained and the growth would be non-existent. And trust me, Christians will find plenty to make them squirm after the insider beginning.

My only concern for the film project is that an audience will be hard to find. Too many conservative Christians will find the reality, the honesty and the rawness disconcerting, realizing they are more comfortable laughing at those they disagree with instead of embracing them as friends and truth-tellers, while some of the more reasonable and progressive critics will come with their own agendas, looking for an evil proselytizer under the director’s slate board, not realizing that every protagonist in a coming of age film has a “born again” or epiphany moment, whether it is Zach Braff discontinuing the use of psychotropic drugs in Garden State or Seth Rogan realizing that he must find gainful employment in Knocked Up. It is basic to the plot of such a film. Just because Jesus is in the midst, does not change the basic arch of a story. I hope the “open minded” see that, unlike the writers of Pitchfork which dismiss most albums by religious musicians (see reviews of Cold War Kids and Manchester Orchestra). Of course, Miller’s books have found a large audience, so I think it has a very good chance.

I am very impressed and cannot wait for the soundtrack, if they get the rights. Hopefully it will be filled with Coltrane, Monk, Modest Mouse, Sufjan Stevens, Arcade Fire, Ani DiFranco, Cold War Kids, Welcome Wagon and other Indie Rockers from Asthmatic Kitty and Kill Rock Stars.

So, spread the word. Get the buzz started. This movie has the potential to make you proud. It has the potential to be the film most of us have been waiting for, an entertaining and truthful story with Christian and redemptive themes that makes us laugh and we can show our friends without embarrassment. It is about time.

btw, the filmmakers are looking for funding right now. If you are interested, or know others interested in investing in such a project with a very good business plan, let me know. I will put you in touch with the right people (and I have nothing to personally gain from any of this, beyond a movie I can proudly own- and maybe they will send me a nice t-shirt).

reposting from April 2009- Arcade Fire is Emergent Idol Winner

2010-08-19T12:40:00.003-04:00

"Churches should replace hymns with Arcade Fire songs,

more kids would sing along."*

This is a reposting from April 2009. I think it is good to reread in light of the new found glory Arcade Fire has found, especially among young, emerging and other Christians. While I would change some of my insights, I decided to leave it in its old form. I would love to rewrite this in light of The Suburbs which expands upon the message of the first two albums. Hope you enjoy:

How many of you guessed this? Ohhh Canada! I had to pick a band that did not hail from these United States and included both genders in its leadership, one that explores the past and future; mining many traditional sounds and world elements, yet is still totally part of its own culture, a band that is obsessed with religion, consumerism, community, activism, etc. It sounds like Emergent, especially its younger future. It also helps Arcade Fire's cause that it is the premiere band to debut since the emerging church conversation's advent in its present form. Plus, I like picking a band that is not even "Christian" which should satisfy Emergent's critics ("I told you they were not really Christians. If they were, their official band would be Caedmon's Call").

Of course, I am basing this on just 2 albums, one of which is really the official album of Emergent more than any band could take the title official band of Emergent. However, based upon this album and what I think we are in over the next decade, I designate Arcade Fire the official band of Emergent.

Just as Emergent has had its Lesslie Newbiggin, Brian McLaren, N.T. Wright and Stanley Grenz and is moving to new voices, Arcade Fire is the next step in spiritual music's evolution, beyond Radiohead, U2 and VOL.

Its first EP made little splash, so many critics and listeners were not prepared for Arcade Fire's debut, Funeral (it reminds me of the early 80s when R.E.M.'s Chronic Town EP which no one heard was followed by Murmer, which blew my bedroom door off its hinges). A bunch of intellectual Canadians working as a community, led by a husband from Houston and his French Canadian wife, astonished listeners by conjuring up the spirits of the Talking Heads and Modest Mouse, while turning those bands on their heads through traditional instrumentation and

choir-like choruses. Funeral sounds like wheels coming off of a Gospel bus, chaotic but ordered, like the beginning of the universe or the warning shots of a band to be reckoned with for a long while.

It is an album that deals directly with the reality of death, but laughs heartily and hopefully in its face, daring it to direct confrontation. Its lens is the "neighborhood" handed to us by our parents. It is to be destroyed, but not angrily. It is to be confronted and destroyed to build a new world, one focused on faith, hope, love and community (a theme expanded upon on album #2). Does this sound familiar?

While not as spiritually direct as its follow up, Funeral speaks to us by creating otherworldly music and new hymns it will perfect on Neon Bible. They reach a transcendence on this album that contemporary praise and worship cannot, beyond the emotional heart pull of your typical never ending crescendo of praise choruses. Listen once to Wake Up and tell me you do not wish church music reached those heights, everyone singing in unison. It is an album of renewal.

But it does not prepare us for the intense spirituality of the next album; the main reason I consider Arcade Fire the official band of Emergent, or emerging Christianity. That album is entitled Neon Bible and I hope you own it. Named after John Kennedy Toole's first novel and sporting a sound church worship bands should study like a sacred text, Neon Bible declares what we considered a possibility with Funeral; this could be the new U2 or Bruce Springsteen (its musical poppa, along with Talking heads).

To call Neon Bible a dark album is to miss the point. Yes it is dark. Yes it is angry. Yes, it is intense and almost devoid of humor. However, like the film Magnolia, it builds the relentless despair to prepare the listener for the hope of the final quarter. In fact, the last 1/3 of the album is on par with the best album ending of all time (Abbey Road's final act). Built on a wholly emergent understanding of community, Arcade Fire shoot broadsides at the church, religion, America, consumerism, war and Western Culture in general. However, as Winn Butler said in an interview, He "is addressing religion in a way that only someone who actually cares about it can. It’s really harsh at times, but from the perspective of someone who thinks it has value.”

The ultimate goal of this album, stated in the same interview is to move beyond the fear which has caused so many of the problems our culture has. Winn states, “There are two kinds of fear: The Bible talks a lot about fear of God—fear in the face of something awesome. That kind of fear is the type of fear that makes someone want to change. But a fear of other people makes you want to stay the same, to protect what you have. It’s a stagnant fear; and it’s paralyzing." It is that fear that the emerging church is fighting, and these anthems should become part of its hymnody, a hymnody that stands against (according to Butler) "this idea that Christianity and consumerism are completely compatible, which I think is the great insanity of our times.”

The Christian themes of this album have been explored by those more talented than I, namely David Dark. However, I can tell you that no specifically Christian album has spoken to me like Neon Bible in many years. In fact, I put it with The Joshua Tree, The 77s, Killing Floor, Circle Slide and The Turning as the most spiritually significant albums of my lifetime.

From the Black Mirror of the opening track which illuminates the future, to the golden calf American Christianity has created in Neon Bible, the prophetic cry of Black Wave/ Bad Vibrations and the realization of the damage the church can do to those which love it in the grandiose hymn Intervention ('working for the church while your family dies"), the first half of the album pulls no punches in its indictment and I feel its weight. However, it does not prepare me for the power of Butler and company's descent into the heart of an American Christian (Jessica' Simpson's dad standing in for each of us) in struggling to do the right thing, while trying to live the American dream and failing miserably in the song (antichrist television blues). The final lyric of the song, "Oh Lord, am I the Antichrist" never leaves me without a chill down my spine.

And the album has not even approached its crescendo. Windowsill is probably the most preachy song on an album of sermons, but very few Christians have dealt with the subject of American power, Empire and consumerism in such a compelling manner. This song has become a personal anthem of mine, part of a ritual I do to focus myself when I become to enamoured with myself, my nation, or my lifestyle desires.

And then comes the hope. After showing us the condition of our hearts, our faith and our culture, Arcade Fire chooses to remind us that there is a hope beyond this world we know, one filled with community, connectivity and humanity at its best in No Cars Go. And of course, they end the album with a hymn (organ and all) dedicated to connection with each other and the world beyond in My Body is a Cage. Even though the singer lives in an age that calls darkness light, he cries to have his body and spirit set free.

Amen. Neon Bible is a litugry for these troubled times, a church service we need to go to this Good Friday and Easter, knowing from the darkness of Friday, hope arrives with resurrection Sunday.

An indictment of the American religious condition and Western culture that is only saved through personal responsibility for the needed changes based in community and hope for the future sounds like a Christian movement I want to be a part of. In fact, it sounds like a Christian movement I am part of. And that is why consider Arcade Fire the official band

of Emergent.

Arcade Fire's Neon Bible was my Top Album of 2007. Here is what I said about it then. link

* Michael Spadoni (Reax magazine)

3rd Album Theory (part 5, The Pantheon)

2010-07-30T08:30:00.001-04:00

Pantheon Artists prove their greatness by album #3. These artists are like the NBA greats (Jordan, Bird, Magic, Duncan, Kobe), while the newer artists are like the NBA players that are on the cusp of all time greatness (Durant, Lebron, Wade, Carmelo and Paul). The obvious Pantheon Artists and their 3^rd album masterworks:

U2- War (and they kept improving on the next 3 albums)

Radiohead- O.K. Computer

Talking Heads- Fear of Music

Prince- Dirty Mind (you knew he was special and not even close to attaining what he was capable of)

The Clash- London Calling

Bruce Springsteen- Born to Run

David Bowie- The Man Who Sold the World

Jimi Hendrix- Electric Ladyland

The Who- The Who Sell Out

Led Zepplin- Led Zepplin III (not their best album, but still amazing)

The Velvet Underground- The Velvet Underground

Otis Redding- Otis Blue: Otis Redding Sings Soul

Metallica- Master of Puppets

Al Green- Al Green Gets Next To You

Elvis Costello- Armed Forces

Run- DMC- Raising Hell

The Smiths- The Queen is Dead

Not so obvious, but worth debating. For some it is too early to tell, while others may lead to people to disagree because their greatness is debated (i.e. Tom Petty, White stripes, Eminem, Aerosmith). But each of those created something masterful on number 3 and have sustained an excellent career arc:

The National- Alligator (sure, too early to tell and no one owns this album, but wow)

New Pornographers- Twin Cinema

The White Stripes- White Blood Cells (let the angry comments begin again)

The 77s- The 77s

The Choir- Chase the Kangaroo

Eminem- the Marshal Mathers Album

Aerosmith- Toys in the Attic (this surprised me, but I have to include it)

Ramones- Rocket to Russia

The Hold Steady- Boys and Girls in America

Tom Petty- Damn the Torpedoes

Vigilantes of Love- Killing Floor

Husker Du- Zen Arcade

3rd Album Theory (part 4, near greatness attained but not pantheon was shown by #3)

2010-07-29T13:30:00.001-04:00

These artists did not hit complete stride until #4 or later (or we are waiting) with notable exceptions. They are GREAT artists and these are excellent albums, but not masterpieces. Therefore these artists are not transcendent/ pantheon artists. I compare these musicians to high level superstars in basketball (Stockton, Robinson, Malone, Shaq, Dr. J).

First of all, 3 that I am putting here with HUGE reservations. I want them on the Pantheon list, but will put them here for argument's sake:

R.E.M. - Fables of the Reconstruction (I am continually arguing with myself on this album. But, the formula decided they peaked on #4 & beyond, therefore they are not pantheon. It hurts to say it.)

The Replacements- Hootenanny (one of my pantheon bands, but I admit they may be a step below. But, man were the next 3 albums great! I was thinking of putting them down as an exception because I think they are pantheon.)

Outkast – Aquemini

Here are 2 that I am willing to revisit:

TV on the Radio – Dear Science

Frightened Rabbit- The Winter of Mixed Drinks (this frustrates me because this is a wonderful album, but not the masterpiece I had hoped would elevate them to future pantheon status. We could re-evaluate this album and find them on Mt Olympus. I hope so.)

Not quite Pantheon:

Jay Z- Vol. 2… Hard Knock Life

Public Enemy- Fear of a Black Planet (interesting case, because their masterpiece is album #2 and they never reached such heights again. But this is a very good LP))

Madonna- True Blue

Wilco- Summerteeth

Pearl Jam- Vitalogy

The Police- Zenyattà Mondatta

Smashing Pumpkins- Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

Nine Inch Nails- the Downward Spiral

Sigur Rós- ( )

Queen- Sheer Heart Attack

New Order- Low Life

Drive-by Truckers- Southern Rock Opera

Kiss- Dressed to Kill

ACDC- High Voltage

Tupac- Me Against the World (3^rd solo- his 3^rd album was w/ Thug Life)

Guns n’ Roses- Use Your illusion 1 and 2

Elton John- Tumbleweed Connection

Bright Eyes- Fevers and Mirrors

Roxy Music- Stranded

Lyle Lovett- Lyle Lovett and His Large Band

My Morning Jacket- It Still Moves (however, their first album was pretty raw and self made. If Z is considered their 3^rd album proper, they may need to be considered for future pantheon status)

Muse- Absolution

Spoon- Girls Can Tell

Sting- the Soul Cages

Sufjan Stevens- Michigan

3rd Album Theory (part 3, negative proof)

2010-07-29T08:30:00.002-04:00

These artists proved they are not great upon release of #3 (so many of these bands had great 2^nd albums). Many of these artists are very good, kinda like an NBA All Star that will never make the HOF-some just never lived up to their potential (Bosh, Vince Carter, Tracy McGrady):

Coldplay- X & Y

System of a Down- Mesmerize (or Steal this Album depending which you thing is the really #3. Ultimately it doesn’t matter. Both are mediocre.)

The Cure- Faith (let the hateful comments commence. I don’t want them here, but the formula demands their inclusion here)

James Taylor- One Man Dog (told you so)

Blitzen Trapper- Destroyer of the Void (after their 2^nd album, I had high hopes)

Oasis- Be Here Now

Kanye West- Graduation (I am of the belief that he started with perfection and each album has been not as good as the preceding album)

Weezer- The Green Album (very good, but not after Pinkerton)

Lynyrd Skynyrd- Nuthin’ Fancy (this one hurts to put here)

Van Halen- Women and Children First

ABBA- ABBA (after reaching the heights of Waterloo on #2 and never again attaining it)

Eagles- On the Border

The Cars- Panorama (talk about a band peaking early- one of the best debut albums ever. Inclusion of the Cars hurts immensely)

The Cranberries- To the Faithful Departed

Duran Duran- Seven and the Ragged Tiger

The Gaslight Anthem- American Slang (decent album, but I had high hopes)

Kings of Leon- Because the Times

3rd Album Theory (part 2, the exceptions and complex cases))

2010-07-28T08:30:00.002-04:00

Exceptions to the Rule, or complex cases

Pink Floyd is the most notable exception to my rule, but their band members were freaking out on heavy drugs during that time period and lacked a cohesive vision during their early years after Syd Barrett left.

Billy Joel is a confusing one due to his first album’s weakness and lack of solid production. Maybe he started before he was ready. He reminds me of a guy that left college too early for the NBA. I left him off due to it. Also, he may not be as good as I remember from childhood. Same thing with Jackson Browne.

Micheal Jackson does not fit into my scheme due to the lack of control for many of his early albums. Plus, I think he peaked on Off the Wall and Thriller and never was a pantheon musician, only a pantheon performer. If he were still alive, he would not be considered so god-like (look at where he ranked on lists of the great musicians of all time pre-death).

Songs of Love and Hate by Leonard Cohen is an exception to the rule. It is okay, but he is pantheon (maybe he was never a full album guy as much as a song guy).

Green Day confuses me also (Dookie is their #3). Are they merely decent or near that level below pantheon status. I am afraid they had one or two great albums in them, and that is it.

I don’t know what to do with Josh Ritter. He is heading steadily downhill after #4 (#3 is Hello Starling).

Mewithoutyou gave us Brother Sister as #3, a spectacular, masterful album, but they could be done.

Wu tang Clan is also terribly confusing. They peaked on the first couple of albums, as did NWA before crumbling under the weight of the personalities, even if there were 3^rd and 4^th albums.

Ryan Adams is too prolific to know what to do with. He gives us so much crap because I think he is a song guy, not an album guy.

There are also bands that never realized the potential due a career cut short, self destruction, death or implosion: these potentially great artists include The Fugees, Lauren Hill, Nirvana (Bleach is an interesting case as a 1^st album and I still don’t know how I really feel about In Utero), Jeff Buckley, Rage Against the Machine (had great #3, but left before reaching pantheon), Neutral Milk Hotel and Jane’s Addiction (had a crappy 3^rd album years after their brilliant debut and sophomore albums).

Bands I am looking forward to giving us #3 in the near future include: Elvis Perkins who has the potential for greatness, as do Titus Andronicus, K’naan and Lupe Fiasco. Vampire Weekend could be in this group if they stop being derivative.

Any thoughts?

Tomorrow, negative proof of the theory

3rd Album Theory (part 1, the theory)- 5 part series

2010-07-27T14:02:00.005-04:00

Want proof that Coldplay is not a “special” band? Their 3^rd album X&Y

Want proof that U2 is a transcendent/ rock pantheon band? Their 3^rd album War

Want proof the Beastie Boys are somewhere in between? Their 3^rd album, Check Your Head

Want proof M.I.A. isn’t quite the pantheon artist we thought she would be? Her latest (3^rd) album. But, give this one time. It (and she) may be.

Want proof Arcade Fire is either a transcendent/ rock pantheon band or merely a really good band? Wait until next Tuesday and buy The Suburbs, their 3^rd album. It will tell you (early reviews are looking good).

While it has been rolling around my head for a long time, the sharing of this idea is precipitated by the fact that many bands were coming out with 3^rd albums this year, albums that could define them because they had the potential for greatness or really goodness, bands like: Frightened Rabbit, gaslight Anthem, Blitzen Trapper, and the aforementioned M.I.A. and Arcade Fire.

For a number of years I have subscribed to a musical premise that I call The 3^rd Album Theory. The above examples stand as proof of this hypothesis, irrefutable evidence of my conclusions that the truly great musicians have created a masterwork by album 3. In fact, they have usually already given indication that such a work is just around the corner after a phenomenal debut and avoidance of the dreaded sophomore slump (or, if there is a slump, it is only in light of the perfection attained on 1 and 3).

Some brilliant bands like Radiohead have already attained a masterpiece by album 2 (The Bends), yet do not retreat into the safe confines of re-creation on the next go around, pushing the boundaries beyond the listeners' comfort level to attain a level of artistry unexpected, even by those with high expectations. The yang to Radiohead’s ying is Coldplay. After a well received first album communicating high levels of potential they dropped the brilliant #2 record on audiences, A Rush of Blood to the Head before retreating into the dreaded attempt at re-creation instead of inspiration. It is tantamount to a potentially brilliant director heading into the comforts of big money sequels instead of pushing himself to new heights.

Christian bands are the worst about following success with failure. The Christian band DC Talk gave us Jesus Freak, a brilliant album (#4) before doing what Christian bands do upon creating a commercially successful crossover hit that is critically respected. They retreat into the safeness of re-creation of the album without the same level of passion or ambition (see Switchfoot, Amy Grant as further proof).

Sure the theory has exceptions. Dave Matthews Band’s 3^rd album was Beneath these Crowded Streets. They have never come close to attaining such an artistic, critical high in the aftermath. I feel the same about The Decemberists so far, after the heights of #3 (Picaresque) but that is open to debate. Also, bands that were discovered late and created their first albums with no production help can attain greatness later. The Roots, Regina Spektor and Beck fall into this category or have the potential to. They are like a brilliant pitcher relegated to the minor leagues a little too long.

The other caveat is the 60s. We must remember that until the mid-60s, the album was merely a receptacle for individual songs. Aside from jazz musicians, popular musicians were not thinking cohesively about albums on a regular basis. This is why Bob Dylan (early albums were great, but not cohesive until #5 Bringing It All Back Home), The Beach Boys (I would argue that Pet Sounds is really their 3^rd album) and The Beatles (I would argue that Rubber Soul is really their 3^rd album), along with the Rolling Stones (again, either Aftermath or Their Satanic Majesty’s Request is 3^rd), Marvin Gaye, Bob Marley and Stevie Wonder (Talking Book is the 3^rd album he had the power to create) did not perfect the art of the album until they had the power to create art out of their singular vision as opposed to the record company execs concerned merely with singles and the quick buck (Oh my goodness, history is cyclical in nature). Only when they realized that the album gave them a higher profit margin and kept the artist happy did executives yield to the new art form.

However, since the advent of the album as the definition of self sustained musical vision, a number of artists have attempted to create perfection, with some attaining it numerous times (U2, The Beatles, Radiohead and Prince), while others have merely given listeners one perfect album for which we should be grateful (Wilco, Jeff Buckley, Public Enemy and Lauren Hill).

Sadly, the future does not look good for albums. With iTunes and downloading singles, along with pirating, we have re-entered the era of singles. However, it is my hope that other artists will be inspired by the great works of the past to create their own singular albums... just know that if they ain't done it by #3, they ain't going on Mount Olympus.

tomorrow, exceptions to the rule

Macheads-not that there's anything wrong with that

2010-07-18T10:44:00.002-04:00

A documentary about people with a slavish devotion to Apple products, not that anyone reading this blog would know any such strange and tragic figures. Still, worth a watch to see the type of people that are nothing like any of those reading this blog on their Macs, iPads and iPhones.

Watch more free documentaries

I write like

2010-07-16T14:17:00.005-04:00

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I kept running my writing through this writer analysis and it tells me I write like DFW usually (when not doing straight satire) and James Joyce at other times. DFW is one of my favorites and JJ I can live without. While I think anyone with sloppy, stream of conscious, rambling writing will get these 2 (which means all bloggers), I will still take DFW- probably because I use so many parentheticals.

Some of my more satirical writings (the ones built like news stories) get compared to Dan Brown and JJ. My last Mark Driscoll/ Lebron piece got compared to Chuck Palahniuk which is frightening. I am guessing they get compared to Brown because they sound like crappily written pieces of crap that make no sense.

Free Agent Preacher Driscoll to Announce New City for Pastoring Live tonight

2010-07-08T13:02:00.004-04:00

After weeks of discussion, sources are announcing that Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, the star free agent preacher of 2010, will be announcing his future plans live on TheChurchChannel tonight at 9PM from the offices of the International Justice Mission in D.C. All proceeds from the announcement will be given to IJM.

While it is not known what Rev. Driscoll will do, his entourage has been taking calls from pulpits around the world, fielding offers and crunching numbers. While many pastors have reupped with their home teams, others have chased the money and potential from church plants and established pulpits in other cities.

Speculation has reached a fever pitch in this summer of the free agent preachers. Already this week, Rick Warren has re-signed with Saddleback for the maximum contract, as have Andy Stanley and Bill Hybels with their churches. Ed Young, Jr. has announced he will be leaving Fellowship of Grapevine for the sun and fun of South Beach. A spokesman for Young stated that "we should not be surprised. The lifestyle of Miami is more conducive to Pastor Young's ministry gifts."

In fact, earlier today, Rob Bell announced via twitter that he would be leaving Grand Rapids, Michigan, a truly dreadful place, for the challenges of San Diego, California. Said Bell, in 140 characters or less, "yo peeps, Love G Rap but 2 cold, the Bell needs sunshine and a congregants w/ cash money. Trading specs for sunglasses."

With the other top free agent's announcements, the pressure is mounting for Driscoll, whose options are endless and ego demands a larger stage than twitter or a blog. Says a spokesman, "Mark has chosen to announce his intentions via television. He feels that the excitement surrounding his free agency is something that must be used for the Gospel of Jesus Christ on the biggest stage available. Sadly, no one on CNN, ESPN or Bravo took our calls. This is all we could get."

While potential followers and fans in New York, Minneapolis, Las Vegas and London are teeming with excitement, the congregants of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, the church he began in 1996, are nervously awaiting the announcement, speaking out on fan forums and throwing rallies, like the one in Seattle's Ballard neighborhood which drew tens of people last month.

Says longtime parishioner, Mike Stewart, "now I don't want to get in trouble with the elders for speaking out, but Mark is Seattle and Seattle is Mark. We built each other and to think he might throw away his loyalty to us, which is tattooed on his back, is sickening. To think of him leaving us for a city like New York saddens his fans. If he leaves, I am throwing away my autographed copy of his book Reformissionary!"

Another church member, speaking on condition of anonymity since she is female, said this, "we are all witnesses to his rise and we better not be witnesses to his departure. If he leaves us via television, it will be like a knife in the back and he will be booed when he comes back."

While some are speaking out, others are praying for Driscoll's love of Seattle coffee and its homegrown beers to draw him home.

sidebar

Cities vying for Mark Driscoll and odds:

Seattle (45% chance)- his hometown, Driscoll loves the city, built the church from scratch into a megamachine. However, the winters are dreary and he realizes it is not a world class city. The gloomy rock scene has seen its better days and jobs are leaving town. It is not as hip as it was in the 90s.

New York City (25%)- The potential of preaching alongside Tim Keller at Redeemer and having access to the greatest city in the world, along with its denizens must be alluring. One church with 2 mega-preaching stars would crush the competition. Plus, Keller is turning 60 and has indicated he is interested in retiring in the near future, leaving the pulpit to Driscoll alone. However, the cost of living is high. It is far from friends and family and the coffee sucks.

Minneapolis (15%)- With his mentor John Piper on a long sabbatical, the elders of Bethlehem Baptist Church are pining for a suitable replacement. Besides his mouth, Driscoll fits the bill. With his fierce intellect, reformed credentials and powerful preaching, the potential for growth is huge. However, many members of the church do not like funny preachers, as evidenced by John Piper sermons. Also, Driscoll does not like extreme winters where there is no water. He does like the challenge of going face-to-face with Emerging Church leaders in the city.

London (10%)- The chance to be in one of the biggest cities in the world, full of Muslims to convert or piss off, is alluring. Also, the beer choice is extraordinary, even if the coffee and food choices are mildly outputting. Most interesting to Driscoll is the chance to follow in the footsteps of his favorite all time preacher, Spurgeon. However, the extreme openness to all opinions would make Driscoll's message less offensive and interesting to Londoners and his form of humor does not always translate to British sensibilities. Also, the British men tend to be effeminate (and he hates soccer).

Las Vegas (5%)- An early front-runner, Driscoll is not as interested in starting a new church. However, he realizes in Vegas he can say anything he wants and it will be acceptable. Plus, there is so much sin for him to go after. In fact, he can preach a full year just on the evils of gambling and strippers. However, he understands that "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" and Driscoll is not interesting in his message staying anywhere.

Stay Tuned...

Other Proposed Resolutions for Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) 2010

2010-06-16T10:43:00.003-04:00

In an effort to stay relevant in American society, the Southern Baptist Convention has begun a new program called the Great Commission Resurgence to redouble its commitment to evangelism and church growth, giving 110%, instead of the 105% they had been giving during the past decades. As anyone that follows sports knows, 105% is the same as 10% and results in never winning, especially in church growth.

One of the main ways Southern Baptists have stayed relevant in American society is through their use of resolutions at their yearly convention. These resolutions bring debate over contentious and hot button issues to the masses and allow for Baptists to inform the world of how they feel about specific subjects, therefore “taking a stand” and “keeping it real” as they communicate the love and grace of God to a world in need of it (oh, and God’s wrath and judgment also).

During the past 100 years Southern Baptists have made the evening news with classic (I will give a Top 10 list of my favorite REAL resolutions later this week) resolutions like Boycott of Disney in 1996. This year, we have a few new resolutions destined to make future Baptists proud and the world go, huh?

Making sure the world knows where they stand on every issue; here are the Top 10 Resolutions for Discussion at 2010 Southern Baptist Convention in Orlando:

10. As previously mentioned in this blog: Resolution to Boycott “painter” Thomas Kinkade in light of his recent arrest for DUI.

9. As previously mentioned: Resolution to Invite Big 12 schools into the Southern Baptist Convention.

8. Resolution to add heavier menu items to Tea Party Rallies throughout the nation. Says Albert Mohler, “we know the Tea Party movement is largely led by Southern Baptists and their friends. However, we believe the idea of a tea party is fairly childish and effeminate and ask to add Fried Chicken and Macaroni Salad, along with sweet tea to the menu for all rallies. We are considering a proposal to change the name to Sweet Tea Party movement thereby reflecting an important segment of the demographic of this important movement.”

7. Resolution to add to the Baptist Faith in Message, 2000 an addendum explaining that, “while the offices of pastor and deacon are explicitly male, as spelled out clearly in Scripture, a woman may be elected President of the United States and hold that office with support of Southern Baptist voters, if she holds the following criteria: she is Republican, she is evangelical, she is pretty hot for her age, she is not married to a former president.” Current prohibitions for pastors and deacons are still in effect for all other women.

6. Resolution to ask Congress to consider changes to the military policy of “Don’t Ask: Don’t Tell.” While many are hoping for a different change of this policy, Southern Baptists are concerned than overturning it will lead to Baptist Chaplains right to free speech taken from them. They will no longer be able to name this sin if the US Military allows The Gays to serve with impunity. The SBC will resolve to change the policy to “Do Ask: Do Tell: Do Tell Them They Are Going to Hell.”

5. Resolution to ask the Gores to seek family counseling and repair their marriage. Says Mohler, “even as a godless Democrat who cares about the earth way too much, we want to see Al Gore and his wife live their lives together and hope and pray for their reconciliation.”

4. Resolution to encourage Lifeway to consider Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged as central curriculum for Vacation Bible School in 2012.

3. Resolution to dismiss all Mayan and Hollywood claims the world will end in 2012 as bogus examples of New Age philosophy, paganism and postmodern hokum in which all Apocalyptic claims outside the parameters of Biblical literature are given a voice in our highly “spiritual but not religious” society of tolerance for all besides those giving the truth of Revelation. An addendum by Acts 29 Baptist pastors to reprimand John Cusack for his participation in this film, while praising him for all other roles was summarily dismissed by the Executive Committee.

2. Resolution to boycott Sex in the City 2 as not only an immoral film pushing promiscuity, alcoholism, hedonism and a homosexual agenda, but also an awful movie that was not even funny. We will consider a resolution condemning Transformers 3 next year for being even worse.

1. Resolution to commend Glenn Beck for standing up to the left-wing Sojourners organization and Jim Wallis and his insistence that Social Justice is a mark of Christianity. Social and Economic redistribution of resources, while a mark of the early church, are not central tenants of modern American Baptist Christianity and not within our Baptist Faith and Message, 2000. While churches may choose to give money and help to the poor, they are not to advocate politically except on issues of morality, such as abortion, taxation, Federalism, school vouchers, homosexuality, the 2^nd Amendment, Islamic invasions and the heredity of the President.

The resolution to ignore the Emerging Church movement as inconsequential and unworthy of discussion was tabled until 2011.

If you want to see what kind of resolutions Southern Baptists are really considering this week, Big Daddy Weave is actually helpful (as opposed to me, which is not).

Southern Baptists extend invitation to University of Texas and other Big 12 schools

2010-06-15T15:21:00.001-04:00

Resolution concerning Expansion of Southern Baptist Convention and the Kingdom of God through the Great Commission Resurgence and Conference Realignment

June 15, 2010

WHEREAS, Historically, Southern Baptists have resisted ecumenism while embracing Christian brotherhood and cooperation with other groups representing Christianity and

WHEREAS, We have witnessed in recent years the portrayal of denominations as barriers to be overcome on the road to unity; and

WHERAS, WE have seen millions of college age Christians leave the faith of their parents behind while studying for future employment and enjoying college sporting events; and

WHEREAS, Southern Baptists must be radically committed to the expansion of the Kingdom of God and the influence of the Southern Baptist Convention by new and innovative means in the face of post-modernity and the increasing hostility to Biblical Christianity, including the Great Commission Resurgence; and

WHEREAS, Southern Baptist influence is strongest in the region of the country under the dominion of the Southeastern Conference (SEC) and Big 12 Conference; and

WHEREAS, interlopers representing Hedonistic interests of the Secular PAC 10 and the Catholic Rust Belt controlled Big 10 have begun to expand their reach into regions under the jurisdiction of the BIG 12 and Southern Baptists, stealing universities from non-SBC strongholds Colorado and Nebraska; and

WHEREAS, True Biblical unity can only be realized in the bond of truth, and never at the expense of Biblical truth; Now, therefore,

BE IT RESOLVED, That the Southern Baptist Convention meeting, June 15-17, 2010, in Orlando, FL, urges the Boards and Agencies of the Southern Baptist Convention to offer membership into the Southern Baptist Convention to the University of Texas, Texas A&M, Oklahoma, Texas Tech, Missouri and Oklahoma State, as well as maintaining the historic position of Southern Baptists as they cooperate with various other groups in appropriate evangelistic enterprises, and on issues of justice, morality, religious liberty, education and FOOTBALL both at home and abroad; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That inclusion of the Baylor University, a Texas Baptist affiliated university, is dependent upon both obedience to the doctrines of the Southern Baptist Message and Faith, 2000 and the improvement of its football program; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That inclusion of the University of Kansas, Kansas State University and Iowa State University into the Southern Baptist Convention’s expansion plans is dependent upon greater success in football, as the expense of “urban” sports such as basketball; And

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the Southern Baptist Convention membership urges the Southeastern Conference (SEC) to consider membership and inclusion of the new SBC related college programs at its next Annual Meeting, and that the previous BIG 12 prayerfully considers the offer from both the Southern Baptist Convention and SEC.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That such efforts not commit Southern Baptists to any organizational or long-term relationship which would risk possible compromise of historic distinctive or the unique witness of Southern Baptists to the world and football related activities; and

FINALLY, BE IT RESOLVED, That we encourage Southern Baptists to maintain their commitment to the SouthEastern Conference (SEC) by giving priority in time, talent and resources to the work of this football and Christianity influenced region.

SBC resolution on Thomas Kinkade's DUI

2010-06-15T13:51:00.003-04:00

Digging through the stacks of resolutions at this year's Southern Baptist Convention meeting in Orlando, I stumbled across this resolution, in wake of "painter" Thomas Kinkade's recent DUI arrest.

Resolution on Thomas Kinkade’s DUI and SBC memberships ownership of his paintings

WHEREAS, Southern Baptists have for many over ten years have enjoyed and trusted Thomas Kinkade’s paintings of light which have reinforced basic Christian American virtues and values; and

WHEREAS, The virtues promoted by Kinkade have contributed to the development of an industry in which Christians are willing to express their faith through the display of landscapes extolling those values with the inclusion of wonderfully lit churches, homes and schools; and

WHEREAS, in recent days, Thomas Kinkade has given the appearance that the promotion of alcohol consumption is more important than his historic commitment to traditional family values, haven taken a direction which is contrary to the prohibition of alcohol consumption by Christians; and

WHEREAS, in recent days, Thomas Kinkade has been arrested under the suspicion of driving while under the influence of alcohol in California, a notoriously liberal state in need of God’s judgment; and

WHEREAS , This and other decisions and actions represent a significant departure from a Christian family-values image, and a gratuitous insult to Baptists who have long supported Kinkade’s painting career and contributed to his corporate profits; and

WHEREAS, Boycotts are a legitimate method for communicating moral convictions; now, therefore,

BE IT RESOLVED, We as Southern Baptist messengers meeting in annual session on June 15-17, 2010, go on record expressing our deep disappointment for these actions by Thomas Kinkade; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That we encourage Southern Baptists to give serious and prayerful reconsideration to their purchase and support of Thomas Kinkade products, and to boycott The Thomas Kinkade Company and stores if he continues alcohol consumption, including the destruction of previously owned paintings and prints; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That we encourage the Christian Life Commission to monitor Kinkade’s progress in returning to a lifestyle of tee-totaling; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That we encourage state Baptist papers and national Southern Baptist publications to assist in informing the Southern Baptist family of these issues; and

FINALLY, BE IT RESOLVED, That the Convention requests the Executive Committee to send a copy of this resolution to Thomas Kinkade and to encourage the Southern Baptist family to support this boycott with our purchasing power, letters and influence.

in case you are wondering, the text of this is very similar to the 1996 SBC Resolution to Boycott Disney

realignment fever is not just for colleges. It is for churches, too.

2010-06-14T14:26:00.002-04:00

Orlando- The past few weeks have seen a flurry of activity among NCAA universities as the Big 10 began the present flurry of activity of mascot trading among athletic conferences. Power conferences such as the Big 10 and Pac-10 attempt to expand their horizons into new territories in a Jabez-esque fashion while the Big 12 fails to keep the hordes of marauding orcs of the Sauron-like commissioners of those conferences outside their gates. In its typically copycat fashion, the Christian church has chosen to respond in similar fashion.

At a recent meeting of the leaders of the Gospel Coalition and Southern Baptist Convention in advance of the SBC meeting in Orlando, FL, possible expansion was discussed. It is believed that the Gospel Coalition, consisting of SBC pastors, as well as those of other conservative denominations and mega-church pastors like Josh Harris and Mark Driscoll, is willing to allow itself to move to this powerful conference. However, negotiations hit snags on 2 main issues, Infant Baptism and alcohol.

The SBC has offered membership to all Gospel Coalition represented churches, even those that practice Infant Baptism. However, each of these churches must show willingness to change its view on alcohol consumption. Convention spokesman, Lewis Granger told reporters, “We are willing to take the bold step of offering membership to practitioners of infant baptism for the sake of expanding our membership base and creating new revenue sources coming from an increased number of churches. However, we will not release our convictions that alcohol consumption, while not specifically banned in the Bible, is wrong. No increase in numbers of young people will change that. Plus, as we know, they can still drink. They just keep it on the down low.”

Gospel Coalition members from Presbyterian churches, as well as Mars Hill Church in Seattle have released a statement that they will not join the new expanded SBC. Instead they will create a mega-conference with the American Anglican Church, Presbyterian Church in America, the Origins network and conservative branches of mainline denominations in which alcohol consumption is not forbidden. Invitations are to be extended next week.

Seeing these realignments as a threat to their existence, the Emerging Church networks have chosen to formalize membership and admit to its Liberal leanings by creating a new conference (“we are not a denomination,” explains spokesman Steve Knight). The groundwork has been laid in the past, but invitations will be given to major US denominations, including the Presbyterian Church(USA), United Methodist Church, United Church of Christ and non-Southern Baptist baptist groups. Hopes are growing amongst the leaders of these groups.

Says Knight, “We expect to compete in the future with the mega-SBC and Gospel/ Beer Coalition for book deals, events as well as people. As you may know, our openness on pretty much every subject, besides social justice, ecumenism and economic redistribution make us attractive to anyone left of center on anything. We have asked most African American denominations to join, but our lack of relevance to their daily lives leads them to consider staying put. We will keep asking, and keep growing.” When asked if invitations will be extended to Sojourners, leaders of the new Emerged Church Conference were coy, due to recent incidents related to diversity.

Christianity Today’s Andy Crouch believes this is just the beginning of a complete overhaul of the denominational structure of the United States. “Don’t be surprised to see some of the groups consider aligning with those groups they were historically predisposed to hate, like the SBC and Catholics or Mormons. I expect groups like the Emerged Church to join forces with Reformed Judaism and Buddhism. However, their overtures to Islam will be rebuffed. Islam does not need them as it expands on its own.”

Free agents like Rob Bell, Donald Miller and Tim Keller are yet to announce their future plans, leading to speculation they will begin their own conference.

Family Research Council Celebrates Rush Limbaugh's 4th Marriage

2010-06-08T09:12:00.000-04:00

Press Release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: June 6, 2010
CONTACT: _________________, (866) FRC-NEWS

Family Research Council joins with Focus on the Family and the Christian Coalition in Congratulating Rush Limbaugh on the occasion of his 4^th Marriage

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Family Research Council joins with other family values organizations, including the Traditional Values Coalition, Focus on the Family, the Christian Coalition and the Eagle Forum in celebrating the recent marriage of pro-family values proponent Rush Limbaugh.

This is the fourth time Mr. Limbaugh has consecrated himself to the most sacred of institutions, the marriage of a heterosexual man to a heterosexual woman, both of Christian stock. Limbaugh, 59, married Kathryn Rogers, 33 at a beautiful wedding extolling the primacy of Christ while Elton John sang Candle in the Wind and Rocketman to the 400 guests, most of whom represented traditional Christian/ American values like marriage, free market capitalism and heterosexuality. The guest list included Rudy Giuliani (entered the sacred covenant of marriage 3 times), Newt Gingrich (entered the covenant 3 times), Sean Hannity, Mark Sanford, John Ensign and Larry Craig.

Mr. Limbaugh has supported the same family friendly agenda advocated by Family Research Council and been a friend and supporter of traditional values for decades. His former wives have also supported our many causes. He and Gingrich have been at the forefront of reminding America that it is strengthened by Family and Faith (along with military power, guns, lower taxes and free-market capitalism) serving on numerous committees and boards dealing with Covenant Marriage and other such endeavors. Each has become a revered expert on what it takes for marriage to work. We are proud to call such Family Men our friends.

Elton John’s performance at the wedding has caused controversy among many other conservative groups. However, John is not a supporter of gay marriage, only civil unions, which are opposed by the FRC. However, he is British. We cannot expect Christian values from those in Godless Europe. Also, the music of Elton John is popular among the staff at the FRC, as long as it is freely downloaded and no resources are put in the pocket of those with a gay agenda.

Area resident and former Republican congressman Mark Foley (gay) was barred from the wedding at the request of traditional values leadership.

intercepted memo regarding Spirituality in Film and TV

2010-05-26T10:03:00.002-04:00

CONFIDENTIAL MEMO. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

Dear Hayden,

As you know we are in the midst of a crisis around the studios of the Entertainment Industrial Complex today. With the loss of our signature Pseudo-Spiritual Entertainment (PSE) franchise, LOST, we need to find a new one NOW! I am getting calls from many advertisers, and, as you know, we are in the business of selling things, not making enlightenment available to all ~~suckers~~ seekers.

Our fear is that, since there is a vacuum right now, it could be filled by something truly spiritual or transcendent, instead of one of our PSEs which are verifiably proven through years of market research and tight formulization to manifest the highest possible profit margin, even though the number of participants in relatively low, through the use of this open-ended quasi-spiritual mumbo jumbo that can be interpreted in any way the viewer chooses. If we don’t fill the void, something else will, and precious dollars and energy will be lost (and given to someone else).

You may not know how we have done this in the past, but we found this formula by accident in the 90s with The X-Files. Had there been no internet, this phenomenon would have subsided quickly; as it did with Twin Peaks (can we start discussions for a reboot on this?). However, young Christians and spiritual seekers latched on to the show like a baby to its mother’s breast. They created forums, websites, tributes, books and academic papers.

When we created that show, it was meant to scare people and keep them coming back through a serialized format. However, that stupid poster of the UFO an intern brought in from his brother’s college dorm room (you know who that intern is now? That is correct. He helmed Final Destination III.) with the words “I Want to Believe” made these Christians and other religious types think there was some sort of Spiritual Point to the show. Once we noticed it, we pushed it forward. They bought in hook-line-and-sinker. This was our first official PSE. We had not perfected the formula, as we did with LOST. It did go off the rails, because we had no experience. Of course, the Millennium experiment was our first causality. But, to create an omelet, you must break some eggs.

Around this time, the Wachowskis were shopping around that dumb video game movie. Seriously, they had Keanu Reeves as the lead. What a joke. Anyway, one of my studio heads shared the PSE idea with them. They loved it, threw in a stew of different religious symbols (Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism and a few more), renamed the lead character Neo (The One)- his original name was Buzz- and had him die and be reborn. Next thing you know Buddhists are talking about it and Christians are latching on to it as some sort of Christ metaphor (seriously, name a movie without a Christ figure) just cause we knew they would love it when Neo died and was reborn (I was thinking of Phoenix from the X-Men comics myself, not Jesus). They wrote books, had sermon series, college classes and created entire curriculums. Hell, there have been dissertations on this film- and it stars Keanu Reeves. Brilliant!

We realized this is gold. But, like the story goes, we went to the well too much with The Matrix. We threw too many religions into the mix and ruined the gumbo on the last 2. This told us we needed a beginning and an end. It also told us that we don’t really need coherence, as long as there is mystery. See, with mystery and a lot of religious crap (churches, light, crosses, doves, candles, Christ figures, martyrdom, redemption, crises of faith), you can sell anything. Just don’t be too obvious. That is why Passion of The Christ worked with the greater population but not with these young Christians, Jews and spiritual seeker types. They don’t want anything handed to them in an obvious manner (not even their own Bible and faith). They want to be strung along (they call it journey, narrative and story), which is good for us. You can wring a lot more out of someone if you keep him strung along for years. The tobacco industry taught us that oneJ

Hence, LOST. The formula, when created according to specifications, is foolproof. Coherence and character development are not needed. Just mystery on top of mystery with a few answers in the midst of the MacGuffins and Red Herrings. Need proof? You have seen Contact (made while formula was still in development), The X-Men movies (heck most of the superhero genre), Battlestar Galactica, Book of Eli (anything post-apocalyptic), Signs, The Village and Avatar. They are all stops on the journey to perfection (I think our PIXAR division is the closest).

Please understand, the formula can be tweaked. We tweaked it for The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, 24 (it works with politics also). Some of the tweaked film successes are The Potter series, The Truman Show, Gattaca and Magnolia (the smart Christians saw through American Beauty). It even works with music. They love this mystical spiritual, could be talking about God or my girlfriend, but with religious symbolism pabulum. Have you heard Coldplay? We are trying a bluegrass version right now called Mumford and Sons. They are better than Coldplay, but who can tell what they are talking about? That is the point. Anything you want. We call the musical concoction The Bono. Of course, if you mix The Bono with The Springsteen, the gold standard is achieved (Arcade Fire).

However, if you are too obvious you get Superman Returns or Heroes. If you mess with it too much you get The Happening, Jericho or Flash Forward. Oops.

And that is what leads us to where we are at this moment. We need a new PSE. There are some pilots in the works and Coldplay has an album this year. On the movie front we have coming this year, The Last Airbender, Inception and Jonah Hex, but all are risky endeavors. However, nothing strings people along like television. We need a meeting like, last week. Set something up with the heads of all divisions and all networks. I am getting calls from potential advertisers like Target, Honda, Fed Ex and Coke demanding a new product.

Sincerely,

S. S.

Mini Review of The Hold Steady's Heaven is Whenever

2010-05-21T09:15:00.001-04:00

Heaven is Whenever by The Hold Steady- Continually perfecting their Bukowski soaked, Springsteen influenced fractured hymns for lapsed Catholics, the quintessential bar band is now offering a reprieve from the 1^st person narratives of alcohol drenched sin and heartbreak longing for unattained salvation by growing up just a bit… as they make the kids sing along. “Hurricane J” is a revelation. On the downside; No songs about Ybor City.

Ways LOST could end

2010-05-20T10:06:00.004-04:00

I don't watch the show, but I have seen a lot of TV. Here are my thoughts on how LOST could end:

Star Matthew Fox will wake up, shower and walk downstairs… and on to the set of Party of 5, as star Charlie Salinger. He will then tell the rest of that cast, including Neve Campbell and Jennifer Love Hewitt about this weird dream he had last night (which entails all 5 seasons of LOST). The final episode will end with “Closer to Free” by the BoDeans.
It will end with the main characters airlifted off the island. An “other” will be left standing there. They will look down and the word “Goodbye” will be spelled out in shells and coconuts. They will smile at each other knowingly.
The living characters will sit in a New Jersey diner with Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” rolling over the end credits.
The screen will pan out. We will see the LOST Island is really a diorama of an island in the hands of a young autistic boy, sharing his school project. The whole thing has been in his brain.
Everyone will die on the island besides 1 (I am not telling you who). He will then find a package from Fed Ex with a volleyball he names Wilson. He will then talk to the volleyball for an inordinately long period of time. He will eventually fashion a craft and escape the island. He will deliver another Fed Ex package to a single lady and be happy, even though all his friends are dead. A Coldplay song will play over the ending.
The remaining characters will take a celebratory 3 hour cruise on the SS Minnow with a skipper and first mate. They will be restranded on the same island setting up a spin off. This time it will be a comedy.
It will be an alternate universe setting up a future as seen in JJ Abrams Star Trek. Kate Austin will end up marrying Tiberious Kirk, thereby becoming the great-great-great-great grandmother of James T. Kirk.
The monster from JJ Abrams’ film Cloverfield is really living on the island. It will escape. Everyone will die. A Ronnie James Dio song will play over the ending. It was a prequel to his movie.
The remaining characters will be flying back to the island, but make a stopover in Latham, MA due to a small crisis on the plane. They will witness a carjacking and refuse to help. They will be arrested under a new ordinance which demands bystanders help those in need. During a trial, they will be visited by former islanders, all living normal lives. They will then be prosecuted and sentenced to 1 year in prison. The finale will suck.
Fox Mulder will be called in to investigate. He will believe the stories. Scully will be skeptical. We will learn it was all a plot of a shadow US government perpetrated by the smoking man. Nothing will be answered and everyone will be disappointed. A movie will be planned but no one will care because they have moved on to other things.

The real ending:

C’mon, you know they all really died on the plane crash and this is purgatory.

What you didn’t know about the show:

1. Being a former Scientologist, JJ Abrams has really been creating a metaphor for the religion. Those on the LOST Island are really representing those who attempt to escape the clutches of Scientology with the consequences usually dire. He had to keep it hidden because Tom Cruise would be really mad. All the crazy things in the show are really basic tenants of Ron Hubbard theology. It is really pretty obvious.

mini review of Titus Andronicus' the Monitor

2010-05-19T11:14:00.001-04:00

The Monitor by Titus Andronicus- The year’s best album is what sneering punk rock sounds like when marching through the Civil War as metaphor for the desolation of modern America as seen through the eyes of disaffected youth in the Aughts. These young men sound like Conor Oberst fronting The Replacements with J Mascis of Dinosaur Jr on guitar as they sneak through New Jersey backyards (of Mr. Springsteen, of course) with an American Idiot (if you get even a fraction of the references, you will love this).

Best appropriation of a classic song lyric in quite a while, "tramps like us, baby we were born to die."

mini review of Hadestown by Anais Mitchell

2010-05-18T11:13:00.001-04:00

Hadestown by Anais Mitchell- A high minded retelling of the Orpheus myth in Appalachia, the talented folk singer, a sometime Julie Miller soundalike, Mitchell uses friends Justin Vernon (Bon Iver) and Ani Difranco as characters in her chamber pop, Americana-based folk opera. Hauntingly beautiful and refreshingly original in today’s over-produced musical landscape.

listen here. More info here.

mini review of Nneka's Concrete Jungle

2010-05-17T11:04:00.003-04:00

Concrete Jungle by Nneka- I picked this up a few months ago and want to make you aware of the album. Although not attaining the same level of pop perfection, Nigerian singer, Nneka could be the long lost sister of Lauren Hill. Steeped in her traditional African musical tradition, but infusing it with American soul and hip-hop, Nneka is hopefully the sound of tomorrow in a genre destroyed by Auto-tune and canned beats (Erykah Badu is her closest comparison). Profoundly spiritual, this is a great addition to the growing African hip-hop catalog, beside K’naan.

Listen here.

Good Cheap Music Day

2010-05-12T16:29:00.002-04:00

I have not helped my readers out in a few months with practical musical advise. Sure, I could recommend the latest by the Hold Steady, The National, The New Pornographers, Gogol Bordello or Josh Ritter. However, do you really need me for that? You already know those are albums to buy.What I should be doing is recommending new hidden gems like Anais Mitchell's folk opera take on Orpheus with guests like Justin Vernon of Bon Iver and Ani Difranco. Hadestown will definitely be in my top 5 at the end of the year.

But, in an effort to save you money and get good music in your hands I reintroduce my Good Cheap Music column once more. Each month Amazon gives us at least 100 digitally downloadable albums for only $5 each. There are always great albums in the midst of the pablum. So you don't have to waste your time looking through the stacks, here are the DJ Word recommendations for May:

If you feel that music is something that peaked in the 70s and is best when good songs are covered by an overrated singer-songwriter, then James Taylor's Covers if for you. If you buy this, please don't play it if I am in your car. But, if you must, please drive slowly around curves, because I will be jumping out at some point... probably during Wichita Lineman.

If you are a crass male chauvinist with no musical taste (in other words, you like Limp Bizkit and Nickelback), the Scorpions' Animal Magnetism, with the worst non-parody album cover ever is only $5.

However, if you actually like music and think it is growing better daily, check out The National's Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers. It is not their best album, but it is awesome, especially the chilling"Slipping Husband," a warning to all husbands/ dads to keep their family close. Anytime a National album is $5, you must buy it.

One of the year's best debuts is Gorilla Manor by Local Natives. This is how I described it on a recent blog review:

"Take 1 part Vampire Weekend/ Harlem Shakes rhythm section and 2 parts Fleet Foxes, Blitzen Trapper harmony heavy vocal arrangements (with stronger lead singing) and add some crunchy guitar work and Coldplay-esque Christian-lite spirituality, while taking away much of the restraint those bands strive for and you end up with this debut album by Local Natives. If it sounds like it was put together in an Indie Rock laboratory, then those guys should get a Nobel Prize for the formulation that makes me groove."

If you are a fan of 80s music with a a love of Hall and Oates that you proudly trumpet from the highest building, as I do, then check into The Bird and The Bee's Interpreting The Masters Volume 1: A Tribute To Daryl Hall And John Oates in which a young pop duo reinterpret many of hall and Oates best songs, unironically.

Other highlights include Yeasayer's trippy euro-world mashup Odd Blood, Ben Harper's double album Both Sides of the Gun and The Best of Snoop Dog (always needed, just in case). There are a couple of great jazz works including Take the "A" train by Dexter Gordon and Miles in the Sky by Miles Davis.

If you care about the history of punk rock in America, The Descendents' Milo Goes to College is an underrated gem. I like these guys a lot more than Black Flag or other SoCal early 80's hardcore bands. the longest song is 2:13.

The one album on the $5 list that you must buy, if you do not have it is The Hold Steady's most perfect album (which is saying something since they have almost attained it many times) Boys and Girls in America. A midwestern sensibility meeting Springsteen obsession and observation through the eyes of a seriously lapsed Catholic that spent too much time in a bar with Bukowski's writings, Craig Finn is the poet laureate of disenfranchised partiers that want to grow up, but cannot.

If you want to expand your musical horizons, I recommend French musician Serge Gainesbourg's decadent masterpiece L'Histoire De Melody Nelson from 1971. It still sounds fresh.

lastly, a $5 Spoon album must always be celebrated, even if Kill The Moonlight is not one of their best.

10+ Reasons to love The National

2010-05-09T13:25:00.005-04:00

With their latest album coming out on Tuesday, here are 10 reasons you should listen to The National, the best American band out there presently.* Thoroughly modern, but deeply influenced by The Psychedelic Furs, Joy Division and Nick Cave, lead singer Matt Beringer's vocals are eerily deep/spooky and slightly reminiscent of the Crash Test Dummies or Leonard Cohen and his poetry is beautifully melancholy.

If you want to hear their album a day early and also read an in depth profile of what makes these guys tick (and make them so) good, read this New York Times article. It is spot on, especially concerning their extraordinary musicianship (I think their drummer is as good as any classic drummer).

This is just a taste, because any song on their masterworks Alligator or Boxer is as good as any other (in fact, Alligator is dang near perfect).

10. Abel from Alligator (as loud as they really get).

9. Mistaken For Strangers from Boxer. This is the song that most people that don't know The National really like. One of their many songs detailing the shallowness of hipster life and the desire for more connection.

8. Murder Me Rachel from Sad Songs For Dirty Lovers.

7. So Far Around the Bend from The Dark Was the Night compilation album with the line "praying for Pavement to get back together." You can watch them talk about it and play it live here. This is about as upbeat as they ever get.

6. Apartment Song from Boxer and Karen from Alligator.

5. About Today from the Cherry Tree EP.

4. Slipping Husband, the song every husband/father needs to hear at least once, from Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers. This is my favorite song. As an enneagram 4, I know he is speaking to someone like me.

3. All the Wine from from the Cherry Tree EP and the album Alligator, also featured on Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist. This may be their best song, at least their most accessible with the great dismissal of California any East Coast snob would appreciate... because God is on my side.

2. Fake Empire from Boxer, a truly subversive tune used by Barack Obama for a campaign commercial and as walk-in music on the night of his election. The drumming is sublime and the lyrics are a pitch perfect dismissal of the emptiness of consumeristic lifestyles because "we're half awake in a fake empire." Watch it live on Letterman.

1. Bloodbuzz Ohio, the newest single from their latest album, High Violet which drops Tuesday. It is not their best single song, but gets you ready for how good this album will be. "I was carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees."

a special bonus. The National covering Pretty in Pink.

*I am cheating a bit by defining them as the best American band (USA). That way, I can get around trying to judge them against The New Pornographers and Arcade Fire (Canadian) or Radiohead and Frightened Rabbit (UK). The only real competition is The Hold Steady (The National is 1 while The Hold Steady is 1A).

Sleep-deprived in Seattle

2010-05-07T13:38:00.000-04:00

Lately I have not been allowing my personal life and my DJ Word life to converge, mostly out of fear that someone will read my blog and decide I am not worthy of employment or personal friendship (people tend to think they can define a person by his writing). However, last week both of those lives converged a bit in Seattle.

My wife, Kristi and I were invited to Seattle by Storyville Coffee, an amazing coffee company based in Orlando and Bainbridge Island (in the Puget Sound) to be part of a weekend with people much more talented than us (not my wife, but me). The company’s vision is one anyone can get behind.

They want to sell the best coffee in the world to consumers, who would make this perfect cup of coffee in their own home, in order to make a financial profit. This profit will be used to fund the International Justice Mission as it rids the world of slavery (indentured and sexual). That is their business model.

Oh, and they spread the vision and the coffee by bringing great music into the homes of people throughout the nation through something called Storyville Live. In fact, some of my readers have been asked by me to be part of this. Last year, through my tangential connection to IJM, I was invited to a house concert in Tampa in which David Wilcox performed. My wife drank the coffee and decided no other cup was worthy of her lips.

While in Seattle, we were treated to great coffee and an extraordinary dinner, along with a tour of their roasting facility. Impressive is an understatement. Nestled in the woods of Bainbridge Island, beans are roasted 1 day and sent to subscribers the next day, for the freshest cup. They use a secret formula for their roasting and blend, which I am sure Starbucks would like to get their hands on to ruin. While at the facility, Gary Haugen, president of IJM, reminded us that he is almost superhuman in his commitment to justice for the “least of these” and inspired us to become even more involved. He is an impressive man.

We were also treated to house concerts by Jonathan Kingham, Grace Pettis and Willy Porter. Willy has been one of my favorites since his extraordinary 1995 release Dog Eared Dream. I used to share this album with young guitarists to show what could be done with a simple acoustic. If you have never heard him, imagine John Mayer as a Jedi Knight instead of a Dark Sith Lord. Grace is daughter of Pierce Pettis, one of the greatest songwriters to ever grace the American landscape. She is very young and has great potential. Jonathan Kingham‘s albums do not capture his spirit. He is an extraordinary live performer, part standup comedian, part white Maxwell with a guitar.

I was concerned when I saw on the schedule that Derek Webb would be playing for our small group, He became sick and was unable to join us. I was saddened, but a little relieved I would not have to face an old acquaintance I had written a scathing review of (in print, nonetheless). A friend that plays drums in a popular band reminded me that musicians never read their reviews. Also, since the owner of the company is an elder at Mars Hill, I was a bit worried Driscoll would be there. We used to be friends (nothing bad happened), but I have used him as the subject of satire, so I dodged a bullet there too. Of course, he would find my satire funny, or so I tell myself.

That said, check into Storyville is you love coffee. It is probably the best cup you will ever drink in the comfort of your own home (if you follow the directions). If they end up with a show in your vicinity, try to make it. And tell your friends about them, especially if you want to see a new model of funding for non-profits (true partnerships with for-profits).

my wife posted an excellent, and better written version of the weekend here.

An Interview with The Earth

2010-04-22T10:50:00.001-04:00

Interviewer: First of all I would like to thank you for taking the time to speak to me. Should I call you Earth, Gaia or Mother Nature?

Earth: I don’t really care. My friends call me Suzanne. I really liked the tune by Leonard Cohen and let the other planets know this would be my new name.

Interviewer: Well, Suzanne, we are here on the occasion of the 40^th Earth Day, our annual celebration of you. First of all- Happy Earth Day!

Earth: Thanks. Did you bring me any flowers? I like flowers and compost. The candies are wrapped in pretty toxic wrapping.

Interviewer: Do you have any thoughts on Earth Day?

Earth: It reminds me of every other human holiday, well without the cards. At least some of you do give me the flowers. I have heard Christians complain about all the non-practicing Christians that show up for Easter and then forget about church and Jesus every other day. It kinda feels like that. Suddenly people take the bus or write a proclamation, or even worse, someone like Exxon puts a green symbol on its website. They think I don’t notice how crappy they behave every other day, but I do. I guess I appreciate the 1 day. Of course, I would like a whole month.

Interviewer: So, Earth Day is like Easter?

Earth: Actually, Earth Day Is more like Valentine’s Day. I am the longsuffering girlfriend and you “humans’ are the bad boyfriend. One day per year you guys tell me how sexy I am, hoping you will get lucky and I will let you stay. The rest of the year you are a bunch of cheating slobs that won’t pick up after yourselves and you just trash the house. Plus, you kick my pets around. Then you come around and say “I’m sorry baby. I will treat you better. I forgot how special you were. Here honey. Can I get you some nice organic veggies today?” And then tomorrow its back to the same old behavior. If I thought it was worth it, I would get you guys on the Marriage Ref or Dr. Phil.

Heck, even NASA is flirting with Mars continually. Like Mars would be interested in Earthlings. She already ridded herself of lifeforms a long time ago.

You actually think I could not live without you. Hmmmph. I could replace you with chimps and dolphins on the top of the chain any day of the week. They are just about as smart and clean up after themselves. At least the dolphins do. You are nothing a good flood would not handle.

Interviewer: That brings me to a touchy subject. Lately things have gotten a bit crazy. It seems as if we are getting more earthquakes, flooding, volcanic activity and bigger storms. Some say it is due to global warming, others say El Nino, while still others say God is bringing the end of the world.

Earth: You guys are always saying it is the end of the world. Heck, you have been saying that since you could fashion words into sentences. “Oh, Ice Age, Big Flood, turn of a century.” It is the end of the world every day. Look, I am not saying anything conclusive. But, if you had a really crappy roommate or significant other that was always paying the rent late, trashing your house or was continually unfaithful, would you eventually want to kick that roommate or significant other out?

Interviewer: Are you saying that all of these natural disasters are a concerted effort to kill us?

Earth: Are you saying that you guys have not been trying to kill me? I hear what some of you say? “Survival of the fittest” and “dominion of the earth.” Yeah, well you started it.

Interviewer: Any thoughts on Global Climate Change?

Earth: Yes. You keep turning up the thermostat, eventually it breaks.

Interviewer: Well, is there anything we can do to stay?

Earth: Clean up after yourselves and I will think about it. Just shut up and stop trying to win some battle against me. I will kick your asses any day… and then dolphins rule. Just watch your backs if you keep up this behavior.

obligatory earth day blog post: redux

2010-04-20T11:26:00.000-04:00

If you are a happy idealist, please don't read this.

So, Thursday is Earth Day and everyone is wearing green. Businesses are telling us how to buy their products through green-washing, hoping that we will give them the green they actually care about. Networks are touting green initiatives they ignore every other day of the year. Products using too much packaging are telling us how environmental they are and everyone is using this as an excuse to show off their green cred, earth piety or once a year conviction.

In fact, I turned on to NBC Monday night and their was their little green NBC symbol which will disappear next week. My son told me that on Thursday we need to make sure we send his lunch without anything that can be thrown away. He never noticed that his lunch is packed in a reusable container each day... because the school would not talk about it beyond their once per year obligation and I gave up preaching a number of years ago.

It is kinda like Easter and Christmas for nominal Christians, a time to think about something we will forget about until the next time it is all over the media. While I should appreciate Earth Day and the sudden emphasis, it is hard to get myself excited. It is the same reason I don't get excited about Black History Month and MLK Day, relegating something so important to a day, week or month, so we can appease our guilty conscience for the rest of their year. Yes, it is a start. Yes, it is better than nothing. Yes, we have come a long way. But, I am more concerned with what people do and talk about on the Monday after Earth Day than I am on Earth Day. Man, do I sound like a preacher talking about Sunday morning.

Excuse my cynicism. However, I think you either care about your impact upon the earth and take it into consideration when making decisions or you do not. You either think about how your decisions and lifestyle effect other people, animals and the environment or you do not. To what degree to take the environment and sustainability is a personal choice, even if you end up like Mark Wahlberg's character in I (heart) Huckabees, unable to make any choices because you are constantly concerned with the impact of any choice. Like is a series of sell-outs and repentance for selling out.

No Earth Day emphasis is going to change the minds of those that do not care. It will only guilt them into silence for a day... or they will act like it matters to them because they want others to think they are with it (see most corporations and many churches).

I am also a bit cynical because I attended my first Earth Day Celebration 21 years ago, convinced it would change things. I took the whole thing seriously and put my money where my mouth was. I was considered a freak by most of my fraternity brothers and my Christian friends. Luckily, we have come a long way, not because of earth day celebrations, but because of people like Al Gore making movies and Christians no longer willing to be silent finally getting on board.

However, what was an emphasis a couple of years ago, probably due to gas prices and scare tactics, has become familiar and even uninteresting to many in light of recession, slightly better gas prices and someone that may actually kinda like the earth in the White House.

So, do something for your planet today (of course, if we did what our planet really wanted, we would cease to exist before it decides to kill us for being a bad roommate). Or don't. Just don't act like you care unless you really do.

coming later, news from the Earth regarding Earth Day

thoughts on church music, part 1: Why Worship Music is Like Disco

2010-04-16T06:15:00.000-04:00

While many may not ask themselves why much of what is considered modern Worship Music in church is so horrible, others, like me, obsess over that question. I hope to look closely at this during the next few days... but you know my schedule. Plus, I have Earth Day to satirize, along with fleshing out my perfect Christian conferences.

So, part 1 of why I don't like modern worship music (and why I think I am finally headed to a liturgical tradition, even if I like guitars in church) is that it reminds me of disco coupled with a tear jerker move.

Of course, the obvious manipulative aspects cannot be overstated. There is a level of coercion manifested in the repeating of phrases like a Krishna mantra, along with the music which bears much in resemblance to musical scores from overly dramatic movies (tear jerkers) and Romantic era classical music.

Too often, we find ourselves emotionally manipulated while worshipping God based upon the emotive vocals, never ending crescendo and dramatic musical swells more than the theological underpinnings of the lyrics. In fact, on Easter Sunday I found this happening during a musical video called Awake. The song was written, as one featured on Grey’s Anatomy or Scrubs, to force an emotional response. This puppet mastery of the writers/ leaders on the audience has angered me since church camp where someone tried to force the Holy Spirit and tongue speaking on me and the film Dead Poet’s Society in which the director forced me to be angry at the dad upon the suicide of his son, instead of seeing the son and Robin Williams’ Captain as responsible.

While I ramble on, this brilliant quote sums up the reason why the Chris Tomlins of the world and the Charlie Halls and the Matt Redmonds (and whoever is popular today) instill so much musical hostility in me (it is about a page and half long in the book), Spin magazine writer, Andrew Beaujon, in his brilliant book Body Piercing Saved My Life: Inside the Phenomenon of Christian Rock says this:

Quentin Crisp once said, “A lifetime of listening to disco music is a high price to pay for one’s sexual preference.” I’m not saved and don’t think I ever will be, but if such a miracle were to take place, I can’t imagine anything worse than being forced to pay for my salvation by listening to worship music for the rest of my days.

Worship music is the logical conclusion of Christian adult contemporary music-not just unappealing but unbearable to anyone not already in the fold. Every song follows the same parameters. It opens gently, with tinkling arpeggios or synthesized harp glissandos that portend the imminence of something celestial in glacial 4/4 time. In the second verse, the band-invariably excellent players-soft-pedals in, gaining in volume to the bridge. And then the chorus, Heavens, the choruses. They could put U2 out of business for good, they’re so huge. Another verse. A middle eight. Then, a breakdown when the audience takes over singing. Another massive chorus. Fin.

This isn’t music to appreciate; it’s music to experience. People at a worship service close their eyes and, as ecstasy spreads across their faces, begin to rock rhythmically, arms out, mouthing the lyrics. It’s more than a little sexual and a tad uncomfortable if you’re setting next to an attractive person who’s been overcome by the Spirit.

Worship tunes tend to evince an adolescent theology, one that just can’t get over how darn cool it is that Jesus sacrificed himself for the world. Moreover, it’s self-centered in a way that reflects evangelicalism’s near-obsession with having a personal relationship with Christ. It’s ME Jesus died for. I just gotta praise the Lord.

The Jesus of worship music is a mentor, a buddy, a friend whose message is easily distilled to a simple command: praise me. Not “feed the poor, clothe the naked, visit the prisoner.” Simply thank Him for His gift to YOU (and make sure to display copyright information at the bottom of the screen so royalties can be disbursed.)

All of which I could bear, or at least imagine defending, if all the songs didn’t sound the same.”*

The writer then goes on to write his own worship song, just to show how easy it is to do it. In fact, most worship songs sung in church seem to have the same infinitesimally small vocabulary of less than 25 main words (praise, love, I, You, are, worship, alone, worthy, etc.). Its as if Apple has created an App called “Worship Creator” so anyone can punch in a random selection of words and out pops a new worship hit for your church.

Don’t get me wrong, some people are writing good modern day hymns. However, most of those songs are not sung in church, and the ones that are don't get a lot of play outside singular communities. I will talk about the good ones pretty soon, many of which were written by drunks and those struggling with faith, but a few were written by CCM stalwarts like The Choir, Smalltown Poets, Rich Mullins and Adam Again.

*I loved this book and quote when it came out in 2006 and it always reenters my mind while standing in church. My friend Dustin quoted it a while back on his blog, which I appreciate since I didn't have to type out the quote.

2 Perfect Christian Conferences

2010-04-15T10:01:00.008-04:00

Taking cues from other conference directors and creators, I am going into the business of creating and managing events. It should work well for me. I have put together multiple events during my life and used to be a concert promoter. In fact, I am partnering with a friend in Tampa Bay to put on next week’s Sustainable Faith conference in St. Pete featuring Shane Claiborne, Doug Pagitt and Danielle Shroyer. It should be a great event.

As I try to create my own brand of conferences I have decided to move towards absolute perfection. Too many of these conferences are trying for absolute diversity but failing miserably. Last year, friends put on such a conference in which all the speakers were women. This year, the main conference happening in a few weeks is diverse, but still over populated by men with beards (I called it the Beards of Theology event). I just received an email concerning an event in Atlanta this fall that attempts diversity. The main speakers are an African American woman, a Native American man and a white guy. This is good, but don’t women hold a higher percentage in the USA? Not, 100% like that conference I mentioned, but something like 51%-49% (I am not actually looking it up).

So, here are 2 conference ideas. The first is for progressive, emerging, Social Justice Christians. It takes a lot of work and will get me very little money since they demand everything be free or discounted (each wants an insider deal and is a poor Democrat). To make up for it, I will put on the perfect Reformed Evangelical Christian conference. I can charge a lot of money (the advantage of high salaries, big church budgets and Republicanism) with very little work.

IDEA #1

CATYLATE or CATYL8

Cost: $9.99

Location: still looking at UCC churches and seminaries in mid-major cities

21 speakers

11 female/ 10 male

8 White

4 African American

4 Latino (representing Mexican, Caribbean, Central and South American ethnicities)

3 Asian (representing Korean and Chinese, along w/ another)

1 multi-ethnic (hopefully Jewish or Arab in there- preferable both)

1 Native American

5 will be Gay or Lesbian

10 former Evangelicals (at least 2 former Baptists, 2 former Charismatics, 3 former fundies from Liberty or a Bible college)

5 mainliners

2 Catholics

4 other faith traditions

Presently, as I try to determine speakers, I realize that I need some people to play multiple parts with the coupe de grace being someone representative of 3 groupings. This is harder than trying to make the seedings for the NCAA tournament.
Music will be led by a good natured bearded folk singer with “edgy” lyrics about doubt and never-ending crescendos… and his girlfriend.

Each talk will be 18 minutes because TED is 20 and we want to be even better than TED. Topics include How to Be Liked by Everyone that is not a Closed Minded Fundamentalist,

What churches can learn from the spirituality and community building in dolphin communities, in a pluralistic age, why Christianity is not really superior to other religions, but kinda is, Post-Colonialism is not just a catchphrase, it actually means something,
Social Media: a Force for Good or a force for Great, Open Source Theology Using a Closed Source Technology, Life After Jesus and Why Everything we Ever Learned in Church is Wrong and the TV show LOST is Right, along with a discussion of Why Shane Claiborne, Rob Bell and anyone too successful aren’t really in our camp.

Since I will undoubtedly lose money on this, unless I can get everyone to come for free and get some suckers to sponsor it,J I still need to make some bank. For that, here is the perfect Conservative, Reformed Conference.

Conference #2
Our Gospel is Bigger than Yours

Cost $599.99

Location: Nashville with telecasts in Louisville, Dallas, Seattle, LA and Orlando

Speakers are 10 White Men, 5 of which wear suits and 5 of which cuss and wear Ed Hardy shirts.

Music will be led by a good natured bearded folk singer with “edgy” lyrics about sovereignty and reworkings of really old hymns of proper theological content all with never ending crescendos … and his pregnant wife.

Each sermon will be 45-50 minutes long, unless more time is desired. Topics will include The Primacy of Sovereignty in Theology, The Primacy of the Word Primacy in Preaching, The Primacy of Men in Relationships, The Primacy of Church Discipline, The Primacy of the Pastor’s will being done as an indication of His role as God’s Appointed, The Primacy of the Heresy of Emerging Christianity, A Discussion of the Heresy of Brian McLaren by the 10 speaker in which no one is allowed to dissent from the norm, Why Our Bible is better than yours, Why the Atonement is Not a Rose, but is a Tulip and Why We believe in Depravity of Man and the Sovereignty of God but Are Still Right about Everything.

At Conference #2 these words will be banned from use unless used disparagingly or in a mocking tone: contextual, justice, equality, emerge (and variations), process, doubt, pluralism, LOST (the TV show), conversation/ dialogue/ discussion and Brian McLaren.

At conference #2, these words must be used by all speakers. If unused contract is rendered null and void: Primacy (at least 4X per talk), sovereign, penal substitution, discipline, Gospel (as defined by us/ and as a hammer), orthodox, lost (people), sin, preaching, elder.

At conference #1 all these word usages will be reversed.

Amen to the Critiques of the Whiteness of the Emerging Church

2010-04-13T13:48:00.004-04:00

In its most recent edition, Sojourners published an article asking if the Emerging Church is too white by an Asian-American theologian. This is a good question, as is any such question.

In fact, the answer is yes. It is too white. It is too male. It is too American. It is too Protestant. It is too filled with professional clergy and those that wish they were professional clergy. It is too upper-middle class and too educated. It is filled with too many Mac users... and too many Democrats. It is also filled with too many intellectuals, too many Midwesterners and Californians and too many fans of LOST and folk music (and if you ask its critics, not enough Christians).

If it does not have a cross section which looks exactly like an approximation of the make-up of the world or at least America, it is too something. ALWAYS. Even if an entity is struggling with the fact that it is too white, too male, too intellectual, too rich or too right handed, we must be vigilant to criticize it based upon our singular experience. In a post-modern world facts are not to be trusted. If Colbert has taught me anything, it is this.

It does not matter if something is trying to change, we should demand the change even as it is changing (instead of demanding it before the change begins). That way, when change does happen, as it already is, we get to say it is because we made a stink about it.

We must work hard to critique young changing organizations and movements like the emerging church while ignoring the leadership of our nation, the Supreme Court of the United States, the Executive branch, the leadership of both political parties, the clergy and leadership of the United Methodist, Episcopal, Southern Baptist, Cooperative Baptist, Presbyterian (USA), American version of Roman Catholic, and Lutheran churches, the leadership of Christianity Today, Willow Creek, Purpose Driven, Relevant and Sojourners itself. We should ignore every parachurch organization also. We need to focus on the ones that are easy to critique and wanting to change. It is the right thing to do.

As we focus our energies on the entities that are trying to become more diverse, solely because they want to reflect the world at hand and listen to voices beyond those with the same life experience, not because of some political correctness (even if there is more than I like), we can ignore those that have not opened themselves up to change, those with hidden agendas that may never change because the pressure is put on the easy one.

When I was in a fraternity in college, a couple of black guys wanted to join. Now, we were not KA, a notoriously white-only fraternity. Heck, we had guys from many different ethnic backgrounds, Latino, Greek, Asian, Italian, Arab and Indian. But, in our eyes all of these were white. In fact, growing up as I did, there were 2 races, black (anyone with really dark skin) and white (anyone with relatively light skin). It did not matter what ethnicity you really were, you just fell into one of those camps. That said, I remember trying to get my fraternity to open themselves us to brothers that were not white... or some variation. As usual, I was branded the trouble making liberal Jesus freak (things were not different in my fraternity or my church).

It was almost impossible to get these exceptional young men in, with every dishonest excuse imaginable, some of which would make you laugh if they were not so cringe worthy. Within a year our fraternity relented (when a black freshman showed up for rush week who was so superior in quality to any of the rest of us that only the most ardent racists complained).

When we focus our energies on demanding diversity of those entities that long for diversity, we may miss those entities that hide their disdain for diversity from the rest of the world... like my fraternity and those leading some of our businesses, churches and social groups (and even they change sometimes).

by the way, I think th emerging church is too insular, but its whiteness is not the issue. in fact, had these critiques happened 3-4 years ago, they would hold resonance, but now they are one of the few critiques of the emerging church that lack relevance.

12 marks of new monasticism, according to your dad

2010-04-02T15:41:00.001-04:00

Somewhere along the line, you may have come into contact with the 12 Marks of New Monasticism, a branch of the Emerging Church I have had tangential connection to during my journey. These 12 Marks, compiled by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove paint a very appealing picture of Christianity to many of us (myself included). However, to many of our parents, pastors and church leaders from another generation or worldview, they may seem a bit strange.

When asked to write a piece of satire for a magazine frequented by New Monastics, I came up with an early draft of the 12 marks, which was intended to poke a little fun at the earnestness of the group, while maintaining an understanding of who they are. It was not the right piece for the publication, so I have decided to resurrect it here, primarily because I like it. I have changed it from an early draft, so as to not unintentionally insult the originator. Instead we are going with this…

When a New Monastic says this (one of the 12 Marks), his/her dad or pastor hears this (something entirely different). This could be why New Monasticism and other emerging church ideas sound freakish to some older Christians.

The 12 Marks of New Monasticism, interpreted by your Dad.

You say “Relocation to the abandoned places of Empire.” Your dad hears “buy cheap houses in the ghetto and gentrify, but complain when other white people move in, thereby increasing your street-cred.”
You say “Sharing economic resources with fellow community members and the needy among us.” Your dad hears “become a hippy cult like those people in Haight-Ashbury and continue to misinterpret Acts 2:44-45 by taking it literally.”
You say “Hospitality to the stranger.” Your dad hears “Hospitality to other strange white people with tattoos oh, and poor people too, just don’t feed them the organic stuff.”
You say “Lament for racial divisions within the church and our communities combined with the active pursuit of a just reconciliation.” Your black friends hear “whine and complain with other white people about the lack of black people in your church. Go to black churches and notice how much better the music is. Complain less loudly.”
You say “Humble submission to Christ’s body, the church.” Your dad hears “when the pastor says ‘drink the Kool-Aid,’ you ask “can I have grape?’”
You say “Intentional formation in the way of Christ and the rule of the community along the lines of the old novitiate.” Your dad hears “act Catholic when it suits you, Protestant at all other times.” While the priest down the street hears “act Catholic, except when it comes to all that Mary, Pope and lifelong celibacy stuff. You know the stuff that makes a Catholic, Catholic.”
You say “Nurturing common life among members of intentional community.” Your dad hears “rebel against your upbringing, but with other weird people (don’t drink or smoke alone). Talk about how much more real this is than the way you grew up in Evangelicalism.”
You say “Support for celibate singles alongside monogamous married couples and their children.” Your dad or single friend hears “get to know singles that won’t let their girlfriend/ boyfriend sleep over. Ask them to babysit.”
You say “Geographical proximity to community members who share a common rule of life.” Your dad hears “find roommates to share expenses so you don’t have to get a real job working for The Man."
You say “Care for the plot of God’s earth given to us along with support of our local economies.” Your dad hears “stay away from Starbucks, McDonalds and Wal-Mart frequented by real people and silently judge that those that shop there. Drive a Prius or a bike. I guess you could take the bus.”
You say “Peacemaking in the midst of violence and conflict resolution within communities along the lines of Matthew 18.” Your dad hears “don’t pray people in the back, like they did in your parent’s church. Tell people when you got a beef against them.” For once he agrees with you, unless you are really saying “vote for Democratics, if they are sufficiently non-patriotic. Vote Green Party, if you must vote. Just don’t tell anybody.” He just can’t tell which you are saying, but he is concerned your vote will cancel his Republican vote.
You say “Commitment to a disciplined contemplative life.” Your dad hears “give up on everything you were taught in Sunday School.” Your older friends that listen to Toad the Wet Sprocket hear “Burn your TV in the yard. Gather round it with your friends.” They smile, unless you really mean it.

I still like it better the other way (as an early draft with what he was really saying crossed out), but decided for once to be gentle (it will not be a trend, I assure you).

Churches Announce Pop Singer Signings for Easter Services

2010-03-30T11:11:00.002-04:00

An announcement earlier this week that The Jonas Brothers would be leading worship at Angels Stadium in Anaheim for Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church has touched off a wave of new signings and negotiations during the past 24 hours.

The 1 Day free agent signing, considered a coup by many insiders, was negotiated by Warren himself and The Jonas Brothers’ new agent Scott Boras, agent for MLB’s Alex Rodriquez and Manny Ramirez. Reached for comment, Rick Warren told reporters, “This will be quite the day. While many were trying to sign the Jonas Brothers, we knew the climate of the OC would be a draw, along with our proximity to LA and the connection we have to the Disney community. When you think Saddleback, you think Disney Pop. This is a match made in heaven by Angels and in Anaheim with the Angels. Plus, their parents love my book, The Purpose Driven Life. The Jonas Brothers are a purpose driven band and this is a purpose driven Sunday!”

Once considered a front runner for The Jonas Brothers’ services, the leadership team at Fellowship of Grapevine, is in full crisis mode. “Of course, they were our pick. Who does not want a number 1 of that caliber on the equivalent of opening day? But, we have something up our sleeves. Just wait.” Unnamed sources have confirmed that Rev. Young is negotiating with Lady GaGa, Taylor Swift and Beyonce at this time. His first choice is Beyonce, but only if she brings Jay-Z along.

Miss Swift was the front runner at Saddleback until her unfortunate off key performance at The Grammys. “Even our sound engineers would not know what to do with that, “said Saddleback’s chief sound guy. Also, there was concern that Kanye West would show up and upstage any Taylor Swift performance. Saddleback’s police force deemed Swift a security risk due to Kanye’s likely crashing.

Not wanting to wait for an announcement after the Jonas signing, Willow Creek announced today they are in negotiations with Coldplay front man Chris Martin to perform a solo set at each of their weekend services. Other weekend signings include Ricky Martin at Metropolitan Community Church of Dallas, Miley Cyrus at Joel Osteen’s Houston church and Sufjan Stevens at Mars Hill Grand Rapids since Sigur Ros and Radiohead were unavailable.

American Idol contestants and winners are dispersing nationwide as this article is being written. John Mayer’s pre-Easter stock has dropped due to unfortunate comments on twitter and in magazines. His agent hopes a church with a liberal view on sexuality will call before the weekend.

U2 has chosen to forego performing on Easter Sunday, opting for a quiet East celebration on the French Riviera with a private church service performed by the leadership of the Protestant and Catholic churches of Ireland and performances by Sinead O’Connor and Swell Season. The bands and ministers will be flown in, along with an alter from the Church of the Holy Sepulcher for this eco-friendly service. It is closed to the public.

There is no truth to the rumor that Mars Hill Church of Seattle has asked Nickleback to perform. Mars Hill has chosen to bring Ultimate Fighting Championship celebrities to give testimonials instead.

_____________

Updated: Fading pop star Britney Spears has been announced as the headliner for fading seeker church Without Walls Church in Tampa in what is considered another match made in heaven.

apparently it is not obvious on this post, but the story of The Jonas Brothers playing at Angels Stadium as part of Saddleback's Easter service is real:)

Crazy Good Music Year so far

2010-03-16T14:50:00.001-04:00

So far 2010 has been an embarrassment of musical riches, topped last week by a Tuesday that saw the release of the latest by Frightened Rabbit, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Broken Bells (Danger Mouse and lead singer of The Shins), Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, Titus Andronicus, Gorillaz, The Besnard Lakes, Liars and an ep by We Were Promised Jetpacks. Drive-by Truckers latest drops today, along with a new one from the normally solid The Whigs. That is almost too much good music released in too short of a timeframe. There is no way to digest all of it when you have a job.

In a little more than 2 months, we have already seen Spoon, The Soft Pack, Joanna Newsome, The Knife, Yeasayer, Vampire Weekend, Alberta Cross (officially released, even though it had been around a while), Basia Bulat, Johnny Cash, Clem Snide, Cold War Kids (ep), Eluvium, Four Tet, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Peter Gabriel, Shearwater, Laura Veirs, These New Puritans, Surfer Blood, Magnetic Fields, Midlake, Man/ Miracle, Local Natives and the controversial Mumford and Sons (how can a bluegrass band be so controversial? Well most people love it and a few music reviewers hate it).

Many of these listed would have been in my list of the top 10-20 albums if they had released a work in the inferior years of 2008-2009 (a few did and made the list). Beyond Titus Andronicus and Frightened Rabbit I cannot be sure which of these releases will be near my top 10 by December.

Why?

Well, we still have The National, Arcade Fire, M.I.A, She & Him, Erykah Badu, Wu-Tang, David Byrne/ Fatboy Slim, Matt Pond PA, MGMT, Roky Erikson/ Okkervil River, Kate Nash, New Pornographers, Broken Social Scene, Hold Steady, Josh Ritter, Minus the Bear, Woods, The Black Keys, Gaslight Anthem, Deer Tick, The Roots, Stars, Gogol Bordello, Blitzen Trapper and Thom Yorke’s project with Flea. And that is just the first half of the year. I cannot even fathom what may happen between July and December.

From what I have heard so far this year, I heartily recommend:

The Winter of Mixed Drinks by Frightened Rabbit- I did not think it was near the absolute masterwork that is Midnight Organ Fight, their sophomore release. However, with each listen I am astounded at the maturity of the lyrical content, the beauty of the arrangements (it is not as raw, on the verge of ripping apart as the last album) and the vulnerable power of lead singer Scott Hutchinson, the closest thing to Young Bono we have had in a long time.

Gorilla Manor by Local Natives- Take 1 part Vampire Weekend/ Harlem Shakes rhythm section and 2 parts Fleet Foxes, Blitzen Trapper harmony heavy vocal arrangements (with stronger lead singing) and add some crunchy guitar work and Coldplay-esque Christian-lite spirituality, while taking away much of the restraint those bands strive for and you end up with this debut album by Local Natives. If it sounds like it was put together in an Indie Rock laboratory, then those guys should get a Nobel Prize for the formulation that makes me groove.

Sigh No More by Mumford and Sons- If they have an Indie Rock lab, then Mumford and Sons were created there also. So, this year, those lab geeks deserve a Nobel and a MacArthur Genius Grant. Sure, it is derivative. Sure, it has elements of Devotchka, Fanfarlo, Avett Brothers and Toad the Wet Sprocket with overly emotive singing, continually crescendoing rave ups and vulnerable pseudo spiritual lyrics. Yes, it is on the verge of descending into some purgatory of becoming the bluegrass Coldplay, but it stops on that line and dances a jig. I just hope Mumford doesn’t fall into the musical Hades next time out.

Transference by Spoon- It sounds like Spoon. That is always a good thing. In a just world, or a world in which there was still real rock radio and record labels that held any weight, these guys would be HUGE.

The Monitor by Titus Andronicus- I am still digesting this album and it demands many listens, but this could be the best thing released so far this year. I will get back to you.

More of those releases next time.

(Come back later today and I will add links to some of this music to make it easier for you to access)

Glenn Beck, outraged at Christianity's message of Social Justice declares intention to start new Religion

2010-03-12T11:24:00.003-05:00

On his show today, Glenn Beck announced that he was leaving Mormonism and organized religion all together upon finding out that most Christian churches and those of other religions, including Mormonism, teach Social Justice. He will be starting a new religion, based upon the teachings of Ayn Rand, W. Cleon Skousen and his books including Arguing with Idiots and Common Sense. He will also be rewriting the Book of Mormon and the Holy Bible to suit his needs, and those of his followers just as he has rewritten history and the constitution to suit his own purposes.

On his program, Mr. Beck said, “Well, let me tell you, I am very disappointed in today’s religions. I thought that the teachings of all religions, especially Christianity and Mormonism allowed me to believe whatever I wanted and read the Bible in whatever manner I decided, while declaring that your interpretation is incorrect. I was told by a religious leader that only the Pope and the leaders of denominations are allowed to interpret the Bible for themselves and everyone else. I think it is a conspiracy much like that Dan Brown discovered in The Da Vinci Code. I don’t believe in what he was saying, but I think it is obvious that something is going on, if you connect the dots. Which I have.”

Upon reading a Bible for the first time, Beck told listeners that he was shocked by the obvious communism of Jehovah, Jesus and the early church.

He stated, “This redistribution of funds advocated by Jesus is against the very Judeo-Christian principles on which this country was founded and we need to put a stop to it. Churches that believe the words of Jesus and Paul will be asking us to give money to their causes, they will feed the hungry, cloth the naked and most repulsively they will visit people in jail and heal the sick. It is almost as if they would want Health Care reform. So that message is tantamount to Communism, Nazism, Facisism, Socialism and any other ism I hear about. This must be stopped. Thank God the Judeo-Christian principles that this country was founded upon are directly opposed to the words of that dangerous book. I mean if our founders believed this book they would not have killed so many Indians and put blacks in slavery. Our founding was obviously different, thankfully. I am especially outraged at the treacherous behavior of the early church leaders in Acts 2, starting an alternative society in which people redistribute wealth. This must be stopped if any church engages in it. Because, next thing these church people will want is the government to abide by the same principles.”

Beck's diatribe continued with a declaration that he would be starting a new group in the next few days called the 9-13 Project, an update of his previous 9-12 Project. This project would advocate for a new interpretation of Scripture, fully influenced by the writings of Ayn Rand and the Judeo-Christian principles Beck understands to be the bedrock of American society. It would reinterpret the words of Jesus or throw out those that were against American principles. His plans will be unveiled at a news conference.

Rumors among his close followers include armed takeover of churches led by Pastors believing in Social Justice, because Beck realizes those leaving churches need places to go, and there are already places to meet for his message.

another difference between Liberals and Conservatives

2010-03-12T10:59:00.002-05:00

just saw another quote on the real differences between Democrats and Republicans/ Conservatives and Liberals that strikes me as true.

Rogert Ebert (via twitter) said, "Conservatives seem angry, Liberals seem appalled."

the real difference between Democrats and Republicans

2010-03-09T08:32:00.003-05:00

been trying to keep politics out of here, but this one will warm the hearts of everyone:

Democrats and Republicans are basically the same on a lot of issues: They both voted for the Iraq War, they both love pork and useless weapons programs, they both lift their skirts for Wall Street. But they have one major stylistic difference: Republicans are unafraid to exercise power, while Democrats try to run government like one of those pansy T-Ball leagues, where every kid gets to have a hit, nobody loses, and nobody has to go home with an ouchie or hurt feelings.

Matt Taibbi in Rolling Stone- A Way Out for Obama

Oscar Roundtable

2010-03-05T16:01:00.005-05:00

an imagined conversation

Oscar Round-Table with Mark Driscoll, Brian McLaren, Ed Young, Jr, David Dark and the Rev. Smith, pastor of Berean Baptist Church.

CTT: Thanks to all of you for participating in our roundtable. First of all, I would like to ask what each of you brings to the table to discus film.

Mark: “I do love film, I love story. My degree’s in communication. I’ve got two home theater systems. I’ve got three Tivos, all right, I am not against technology and the arts. Our film crew just was in L.A. at Universal Studios shooting on the Spartacus set to get all of our footage for Good Friday. Some of my friends are filmmakers and poets and artists and we’re a very creative church.”*

Brian: While I would rather not discuss the material possessions that allow me to watch film on a high level, I am a former English teacher at the University of Maryland and have an understanding of the narrative aspects of film and how they align with the Biblical narrative.

Ed Young, Jr.: Well, I am sure my home theater system would put Mark’s to shame. Plus, I minister to some very influential actors, names I cannot share at this time. And, we do a really cool “At the Movies” sermon series in which I take a really popular movie and create a sermon around it. We even make our stage look like the film. I cannot wait to do Avatar. I will be blue!

David Dark: I have written on film for a number of years. I find it a form, while not superior to the written word, at least its modern equivalent, allowing the participants, on both the maker’s side and that of the watcher, to create a participatory dance through its use of images, light, sound, narrative and human involvement that is superior to other artistic forms (the written word withstanding) due to its ability to fully engage those said participants, whether it is the grandiose art of a Fellini, the sublimity of a Godard or the lowbrow comedic timings of an Apatow.

Rev. Smith: I write a newsletter each month for my congregants telling them which movies they should see and which ones they shouldn’t.

CTT: First of all, let’s discuss the film Avatar. What are your reactions?

Mark: Avatar is “the most demonic, satanic film I’ve ever seen. That any Christian could watch that without seeing the overt demonism is beyond me… it is a completely false ideology, it’s a sermon preached. It’s the most popular movie ever made, and it tells you that the creation mandate, the cultural mandate is bad, that we shouldn’t, we shouldn’t develop culture, that’s a bad thing. Primitive is good and advanced is bad and that we’re not sinners, we’re just disconnected from the divine life force, just classic, classic, classic paganism, that human beings are to connect, literally, with trees and animals and beasts and birds and that there’s this spiritual connection that we’re all a part of, that we’re all a part of the divine. It presents a false mediator with a witch. It presents false worship of created things rather than Creator God in absolute antithesis to Romans 1:25, which gives that as the essence of paganism. It has a false incarnation where a man comes in to be among a people group and to assume their identity. It’s a false Jesus. We have a false resurrection. We have a false savior. We have a false heaven. The whole thing is new age, satanic, demonic paganism, and people are just stunned by the visuals. Well, the visuals are amazing because Satan wants you to emotionally connect with a lie.”*

Brian: While I appreciate the passion with which Mark speaks, I must disagree on a number of grounds. However, I do have an issue with the film when I think of the costs associated. I wonder how many wells could be built to provide clean drinking water in Africa with the money spend on that film. In fact, a sustainable wind farm could be created to bring renewable energy to the entire subcontinent with the money brought in so far. This is an example of the false narrative that Westerners find themselves in.

However, regarding the film itself, I do appreciate the fact that the oppressive Colonialist forces that were attempting to rape the land of a primitive (in the positive sense) people group were pushed back, once again showing the crises each civilization faces when an oppressor is led by fear, greed and racism. However, I do believe that it was a misfortune that the Myth of Redemptive Violence was exalted once more.

Ed Young Jr: Man, did you see it in 3D? Wow. We are totally going to create a 3D theater in our video venues so they can experience our church as it happens in Grapevine. Man, what I would not do for a fraction of that special effects budget every Sunday. As for the movie? Yeah. I think I can find a way to spin it around to the Gospel. I think each person needs to be willing to become someone else to reach others for Jesus. That’ll preach, right? Can’t wait for the sermon series. It will be on the web. I am gonna be blue and the church will be Pandora!

David: I would rather spend time talking about the narrative structure in the Coen Brothers film A Serious Man and how it speaks to the consequences of inaction in Jewish life which is not solved by the American Rabbinical tradition.

Rev. Smith: Didn’t see it. Told my congregants not to see it. Sounds wierd.

CTT: Alright, let’s look at the other Best Picture candidates. Any that stick out to you?

Mark: My number 1 choice is Inglourious Basterds. I would like to metaphorically bash the skulls of the evil expressed in this film (and by modern day poor theology). I get what Tarantino is trying to do and while I believe that it was God’s will for the Holocaust, and I cannot question anything in God’s perfect timing, I think the Basterds were the kind of Jesus following young men I look for! I can do without the existential crises of A Serious Man and Up In the Air. These guys need to get over themselves. Blindside sucked. I liked the message, but the direction was pedestrian while still manipulative and Bullock overacts as if to say, “look at my, give me an Oscar.”

Brian: Once again, the Myth of Redemptive Violence is the overarching theme in Avatar, District 9, The Hurt Locker, Inglourious Basterds and Up. I find this a disturbing trend. While I did appreciate District 9’s desire to understand the world from the side of The Other, especially through the Incarnation, I was disturbed by the Colonialism evident in its use of a white man to redeem the lives of the poor savage aliens who were unable to save themselves. I feel the same about Blindside in which a rich white Christian saves the life of a poor mute black boy. My favorite would be Up In the Air, in which a 50 something man that travels too much experiences a wholly Kierkegaardian crises of faith. I also love the ambiguity.

Ed Young, Jr: Precious was way too depressing and I didn’t understand the girl’s life. I get Blindside. She is our congregation. I know we will use Up for our sermon series. Balloons baby! We are doing Blindside. I am working out a deal to get Sandra Bullock to come speak that day. District 9 is too heady for a sermon, as is Up In the Air. I will use The Hurt Locker if it wins the Oscar, but no one has seen it, so that Sunday would be a waste. What are the other movies? Pretty artsy, right?

David Dark: How long do I have to express my thoughts on each film? I mean, I am not talking about Avatar or Blindside, but I have written a work on the redemptive traits of the canon of Quentin Tarantino and how those correspond to the historical understanding of Eastern European Gypsy religions. Of course, I am most interested in Tarantino recreating himself as a Golem taking vengeance that the Jews were not able to take upon the Third Reich. Listen, I can tell you were looking for controversial statements and pithy headlines. That’s not really what I do.

Rev. Smith: My wife made me go to see Blindside. I liked it. Sandra Bullock makes a pretty blond. I didn’t see anything else besides Up, when my grandkids brought it over. It was cute, but I didn’t like the chicken creature. Was it a girl? Thought it was a boy until the baby came along. I don’t like gender confusion. I did like the talking dog. That Hurt Locker sounds kinda interesting, but I suppose it has bad language. They always ruin the war films with bad language.

CTT: Any last thoughts?

Mark: If The Hurt Locker wins, it will make the job of every pastor in America even more difficult. Women will assume they can make movies also. I am just kidding. The director isn’t married, so she can do what she wants. Plus, she made Point Break. She is an honorary guy.

Brian: I would encourage everyone to look at the systemic issues at play in each of this year’s movies and think about how each of us can be a cure to these cancers afflicting our beautiful world. In each film, the conflict arises due to one of the 4 global crises. If we can create a new kind of Christianity that actually addresses these factors, then there will only be movies made from our imaginations, not based upon true stories of oppression, inequity, environmental degradation or fear. It is my prayer that films like Precious, District 9, The Hurt Locker, An Eduation, Avatar and Blindside become historical artifacts of a bygone society in which the factors that create these narratives are banished to history and a new Na’vi-like world is created in its place.

Ed Young, Jr: If you are interested in a sermon series based upon this year’s Oscar nominees and winners, please see my website, www.creativepastors.com. I will have sermon outlines, wardrobe ideas, film clips and stage designs for purchase. Our team has also created a special blue paint which does not stain, so you can use it for your Avatar sermon.

David Dark: I would appreciate this being an actual discussion of film next time, and not just an exercise is sound bite collection.

Rev. Smith: Nope.

*actual quote

yes, it is a joke. why would you even ask?

Mark Driscoll's 10 Most Holy Films

2010-03-04T16:29:00.006-05:00

The Top 10 Holiest Films, according to Mark Driscoll

10. Mad Max Trilogy- really anything by the Godly role model Mel Gibson. This film is obviously an allegory for the Gospel, with Max’s family as the church led to slaughter by false teachers. Max takes the vengeance of the Lord into his own hands, dispensing justice as a follower of God should.

9. 40 year Old Virgin- The trifecta: Good Sexual Ethics, Bad language and Homophobic jokes.

8. Talladega Nights- Say what you will, they get Jesus spot on!

7. Brave Heart- Jesus wants men like this on his side. However, it is lower on the Holy list because it is so overused by even sissified Christian men.

6. Die Hard- a Godly man, protecting his unrepentant wife/ Jezebel as she leaves her proper place to upset God’s order. As we see from this film, there are consequences when men are not the Head of the Household. An obvious metaphor for the book of Hosea.

5. Book of Eli- This film shows how we need to defend the Holy Bible from its detractors. Where can I get a machete like that to take down the enemies of the Lord? Plus, even I haven’t memorized the ENTIRE Bible.

4. Pulp Fiction- I would have added Kill Bill, which I love but struggle since it is clearly an allegory for Buddhism with a female protag (don’t these women understand their proper place). However, it does kick some serious tail. That said, Pulp Fiction is a call to leave the unrighteous life behind and take up our cross and follow Christ, as Jules chooses. Vincent suffers the consequences of saying No to repentance. It is so clear.

3. The Matrix- Sure some have told us that it is really about Buddhism, but Buddhism is about non-violence and wimpishness. Neo is not such a character in this film (the directors change him in the 2^nd and 3^rd films due to politically correct standards). He is a butt-kicking Christ figure choosing to die for the sins of others and resurrection to return ala Christ in The Book of Revelation. Plus, my friend Chris wrote a book about it.

2. There Will Be Blood- A real man builds a kingdom from his bare hands and will not let Charlatans or false teachers destroy it, even if he has to drink the milkshake of the false teacher (you figure out what that represents). The false teacher/ preacher representing Emergent theology and Pentecostalism is properly dispatched during the film’s climax. I find that a well placed bowling pin would stop manyof today’s false prophets.

1. Fight Club- Could there by another? This is what the Manly Christian life is about, a struggle with our dark sides in which we beat our sinful nature to a pulp… and anyone else that gets in our way!

"I would add Gladiator/ 300- but the theology is obviously polytheistic and the views of the afterlife disallow inclusion because some may see them as recruiting films for ancient Greek and Roman religions. However, we must remember that these films are set in pre-Christian Greece in the case of 300 and in a land in which Christianity was not yet taken hold in the case of Gladiator. Sure, films such as Spartacus, Ben Hur and The Robe deal more explicitly with Christian themes, but sadly, they are not bloody enough. We must remember, even pre-Christian religions took the afterlife seriously and these men act like a good Christian husband/ father should in the face of evil. The practice self-control until the time is right and unleash Holy Hell upon those forces of evil, willing to sacrifice themselves for the nobler cause. These are the opposite of pagan fests like Avatar. But, I cannot add them to the list of Holy films because weaker Christians may see this as justification for non-Christian religions. An obviously Holy work like Passion of the Christ is not here because it needs no analysis.

I also struggle with Titanic because the consequences of premarital sex are dire (but I really hate James Cameron and he offers poor role models for women)."

from the desk/ harddrive of Mark Driscoll.

____________________________

again, chill people. This is satire. By the way, if you are over here because you hate Driscoll and think this proves some of your biases correct, it does not. Like all of us, you included, his views of the world can create moments of great insight and goofy pronouncements. He is just a guy with a big bully pulpit, but no better or worse than anyone else. Man, I hate explaining this stuff because people (Christians) just don't get it.

The 10 Most Demonic Films according to Mark Driscoll

2010-03-04T15:07:00.003-05:00

Many of us have all read the stories, the sermon, or seen how Mark Driscoll, pastor of the mega-Seattle-church Mars Hill has declared Avatar the most demonic film of all time. Of course, it is evil on numerous fronts. Not only is it a recruitment film for Paganism that shows advancement of culture as an evil. It is also a big budget action film and everyone knows Mark, the hip dude he is, is a fan of Indie flicks… of course the perfect films are Indie Action films with lots of male bonding and blood which sound great on his home theater system, which he tells us about in hisAvatar sermon.

Anyway, we have found Mark’s list of the Ten Most Demonic Films Ever made. Here is the list, borrowed by our investigative journalist/ hacker:

Avatar- Blue Pagans that don’t believe in sin defeating the forces of progress and manliness. I might as well add its precursors Pocahontas, Dances With Wolves and Ferngully which had the same sickening message.
The Matrix Reloaded/ Revolutions- not only did they suck in comparison to the first, but these Buddhist love fests also support the ending of wars between good and evil with negotiated peace settlements. That flies in the face of Revelations and the lake of fire (and manly filmmaking).
Thelma and Louise- Although they get what they deserve in the end for upsetting the proper Godly order of things, they do so on their terms and not punished by God alone for their sins of not obeying their husbands. Feminism is dangerous.
The Mission- a sickening example of the Liberal Social Gospel of pacifism. People like Brian McLaren must have used it as a template for their feminization and wimpification of “Christianity.”
The Village- Another strong willed woman leaving behind the proper boundaries set up by her loving, Godly parents. She is not punished, but instead brings down the natural order
It’s a Wonderful Life/ Heaven Can Wait/ The Preacher’s Wife- Angel Idolatry at its most evil. The early church stoned people for this kind of thing. Now we praise it. Sickening.
Brokeback Mountain- Disgusting attempt to take a symbol of manliness and turn it into a recruitment film for homosexual behavior. These are weak men in need of redemption, not Oscar worthy.
Dogma- I loved the language and the violence, but they lost me with a black disciple and headed towards heresy with a Canadian chick playing a God that could die. I hope Kevin Smith chokes on a chicken wing.
Star Wars- before the sickening paganism of Avatar, we had the anti-Christian combination of Buddhism, moral ambiguity and witchcraft in Star Wars. It would be higher on the list if the protagonists were not human.
Say Anything- What started as a great manly tale, especially in light of the lead character’s kickboxing training ended as a feminist dream in which the male’s will is subjugated by the woman’s.

Mark list did not include kid flicks, but there was a rant against children’s films, “Of course, this list is devoid of children’s movies which can be the most insidiously evil because they hide their demonic agendas behind toys and talking animals. Needless to say All Dogs Go to Heaven (with its inclusive gospel) is the vilest, followed byRatatouille, Wall-E, any Disney film with a female in charge and Lion King.”

His list of Demonic films did not include these obvious choices. He felt he should not include them because they are based upon books. So the Demonism was there before they were turned into films. These choices are obvious: Golden Compass, the Harry Potter films, the Twilight series,The Da Vinci Code and Jurassic Park (if the dinosaurs had eaten Jeff Goldblum’s postmodern atheist scientist, the films would be redeemed).

___________________________

its satire- chill Mark disciples

Artist Faces Heresy Charges After Church Rejects Depiction of Crucifixion

2010-03-02T12:01:00.002-05:00

Artist Faces Heresy Charges After Church Rejects Depiction of Crucifixion

circa, 1563

ZURICH, CH- Facing charges for heresy is not what artist Martin Gessner expected when he submitted his painting entitled Jesus on the Cross for his church’s annual Easter Art exhibit. However, that is his latest concern, after his work was rejected by the elders of Lindenhof Church and anonymous postings calling for his excommunication were left nailed to the church door.

Asked to submit an artistic rendition of Jesus’ suffering by elders of his church, John chose the classic expression of Jesus’ death, the crucifixion, as his presentation. His multi-media oil, standing 6 feet high, depicts a bloody Jesus hanging on the cross with a crown of thorns and blood red slashes across the body symbolizing the whippings Jesus received. There are also nails through the hands and feet, along with an expression of pain on the face of the dying man.

This was deemed by church officials as inappropriate for the church’s gallery, because there was a possibility of children viewing the image. They felt this could disturb the delicate sensibilities of children to see their hero, Jesus, hanging dead on a tree. If they were to see him in such a desparate state, they may choose to follow someone stronger. A church spokesman said, “We feel that Mr. Gessner has created a beautiful expression of art that would fit well into a Catholic church or museum, but is not appropriate for children or Protestants, for whom the death of Christ is paramount, but the cross must be empty and bloodless.”

This is not the first time an artist has had a piece rejected by the elders of a local church. Many remember the incident in 345 in which an unnamed young Roman Christian artist depicted Jesus being beaten by Roman guards on his way to the cross. Church leaders felt that young children would get the wrong impression of the Roman guards. Constantine had made Christianity the official religion of the Roman world and it was deemed unacceptable to depict Roman guards in such a light.

The artist was encouraged to resubmit the piece with generic guards beating Jesus or better yet, Jesus generically hurt, not actually bloody, making sure that young Christian children understood that Roman guards were role models, not to be feared for doing their jobs. It was understood that many young Christian children may grow up to be Roman guards and such a depiction could damage their delicate sensibilities and cause them to become Pacifists fearing the armed guardians of the Empire.

After his refusal, this young artist was last seen in the company of Roman guards and an elderly lion.

Lindenhof Church elder, Christof Meyer, reminded this scribe that, “We no longer kill artists for representing Jesus in a way we judge unacceptable, unless it is deemed heresy. However, this is not my definition of heresy. It is merely a bit too Catholic for my tastes and more bloody than children can handle. Of course, some church leaders may feel differently considering our present conflict with the Mary worshipping Papists.”

Mr. Gessner has been encouraged to resubmit an empty cross, keeping in line with present Protestant visions for the cross. Lindenhof elders also plan to submit a proposal to Protestant councils to ban the use of the crucifix in Protestant churches and discontinue the extra-Biblical, thoroughly depressing Stations of the Cross. It is expected to pass.

________________________________

I hate explaining my satire or defending it, but there is a need this time around. The church we helped plant in Texas had asked a 10 yr old boy to submit a piece surrounding the Stations of the Cross. It was deemed that this piece was unacceptable for the context, which is well within the church's rights. However, it still struck me as ironic. Follow the story here and see the art with artist statement here.

We know the people involved, including the pastor and the church elders listed, as well as the young artist and his father. This is not an attempt to take sides, but to shine a different light on the situation.

Ed Young Jr. Offers Private Plane and Makeover to Shane Claiborne

2010-02-22T11:09:00.002-05:00

Ed Young Jr. Offers Private Plane and Makeover to Shane Claiborne

GRAPEVINE, TX- In an apparent attempt to forestall criticism directed towards his lavish lifestyle, Ed Young, Jr., pastor of The Fellowship Church with video and live action campuses throughout the Dallas Metroplex and in Miami, FL has offered use of his private jet to Shane Claiborne of Philadelphia’s Simple Way.

Speaking to reporters outside his mansion, Young said, “While some may not believe it, I think the message of following Christ simply and a simple living lifestyle is correct theologically. I mean, I usually don’t discuss theology because it can be controversial, but Shane’s message is powerful and it needs to be shared. It is how our family follows Christ. In fact, I had my housekeeper install Energy Star light bulbs throughout the house (and that is a lot of bulbs). That said, I have a plan to get his message to others.”

Young’s plan, which was hatched by Young’s personal business, Creative Pastor, will be available for purchase in the next week. The plan includes personal use for Shane Claiborne and his associates to use the Dessault Falcon 50 Private Jet given to Young and Fellowship Church by an area business man. While the plane has been the source of controversy during the past few weeks, after its discovery by a Dallas reporter, Young wants it to be used for more than his required trips to Mexico, Miami and the Bahamas for church planting and spiritual formation retreats. Continuing, Young declared, “What better way to get Shane’s message to the masses that to allow him to fly around the country to share his message. By using my plane, he will be able to get back to the poor of Philadelphia much quicker than flying commercial.”

Other pieces of Young’s SIMPLY LIVING SIMPLY strategy, available for purchase next week on www.creativepastors.com include, 1) a makeover for Claiborne because Young feels “more people at places like Fellowship of Grapevine would listen more intently to Shane’s message if he cleaned himself up and dressed nicer. I have many shirts in my wardrobe I will be offering to his ministry. We are both tall and he will like them. I will have my personal assistant and beautician contact Shane this week”, 2) an emphasis on hiring 1 homeless person in each business represented by a member of Young’s church, 3) an initiative by Fellowship Church to plant video venues in Shane’s neighborhood in Philadelphia plus video venues in other areas where homeless people congregate. Says Young, “I think the creative message of our videos would inspire homeless men and women to take life by the reigns and accomplish something great for God. I think the way I lay out a sermon simply with no theology or depth will appeal to the needs of that community,” and lastly 4) a sermon series complete with church motifs for sale on Young’s website which includes a wonderful backdrop that will allow any church stage to look like the area under an overpass. Metal drums are not included.

Young finished his press conference by sharing, “I am very excited about this endeavor and cannot wait to present this to Shane. We are trying to work out a time to bring Shane to Dallas, on my private plane. As of now, Shane has not been reached due to extenuating circumstances. I may sweeten the deal by setting up a spot in our game room for homeless simulation, but I need to confirm that with my wife. She wants us to build a place in the country for that.”

Reached for comment, Shane Claiborne said Mr. Young is welcome to come hang out in Philadelphia for a weekend, as long as he flies commercial.

__________

update: apparently I rode the line between fact and fiction too closely on this post. This is satire based upon some things involving reporting of a "lavish" lifestyle of Ed Young Jr. by a news outlet. This included a private jet, mansion and large salary. I do think this is how Shane would react to it.

What Famous People Are Giving Up for Lent

2010-02-16T15:10:00.001-05:00

Through investigative tactics perfected by the CIA, I have accessed the private Lenten commitments of many famous folks, including political, religious and entertainment celebrities. Here is a list of things given up for Lent by people you have heard of:

Political
Barack Obama- Health Care Reform
Dick Cheney- Relevance
John Boehner (House Minority Leader)- Saying Yes to Anything the President asks
Sarah Palin- Presidential hopes
Republican Leaders- Usefulness to the Political process
The American people- Affordable health care, like other developed countries
Tea Partiers- Keeping up appearances that they are not actually angry Republicans
Glen Beck- Sanity
Jon Stewart- Any faith he had in the American people
Keith Olbermann- Any goodwill gathered during his tenure on Sports Center
Rush Limbaugh- Truth
Rahm Emmanuel- His job
Scott Brown- His designation as Sexiest Massachusetts State Senator (but he hopes to pick up the designation of US Senate’s sexiest Senator after Easter)
John Edwards- His marriage
Mark Sanford- Not talking about the “love” of his life

Religious Leaders
Mark Driscoll- His desire to be the John Mayer of Christianity
John Piper- His obvious man-crush on Pat Robertson
Andrew Jones- Emergent
Brian McLaren- Orthodox Theology
Doug Pagitt- Augustine
Rob Bell- belief that Grand Rapids is a nice place to live
Don Miller- The hopes his film will ever be made
Jim Wallis- References to Self in all written communication
Ed Young, Jr.- Modesty
Pat Robertson- Shutting Up
Everyone else- Not listening to anything Pat Robertson says

Entertainment and Sports
Tiger Woods- pursuit of Jack Nicklaus’ golf records/ endorsements
John Mayer- twitter and interviews (also racist and sexist statements)
Kanye West- CAPITAL LETTERS (or is he giving up lowercase letters. It was illegible)
Peyton Manning- believing he will have as many Super Bowl rings as Tom Brady
Tom Brady- the belief he will ever get to another Super Bowl
Taylor Swift- Auto-tune
Lil Wayne- Freedom
Jeff Bridges- His designation as America’s most underrated and under-appreciated actor, along with his designation as the best actor without an Oscar.

Things No One Wants You To Give Up for Lent

2010-02-16T14:21:00.003-05:00

as you look at your lenten options, please consider marking these off your list. These are the Things No One Else Wants You To Give Up for Lent

1. Showering
2. Wearing Clothes
3. Brushing Your Teeth
4. Listening
5. Cleaning Your House
6. Using Kleenex when blowing your nose
7. Following Street Signs
8. Taking Your Meds
9. Your faith in humanity
10. Reading their Blog, Facebook status or tweets

Easiest Things to Give up For Lent

2010-02-16T13:29:00.000-05:00

As part of my service to the community reading my blog, it is my hope to help you with practical advice.

In case you do not have an idea of what to give up for lent, but need one, consult the list below. It is helpful for those wanting to seem spiritual by engaging in the lenten practice of giving something up, but not looking to actually sacrifice anything. It can help you impress super-spiritual people.

Easiest Things To Give Up for Lent

1. Dog Fighting
2. Gang Banging
3. Cougar Town
4. Watching Football
5. Following Charlie Crist's (governor of Florida) political career
6. Keeping track of Health Care Reform and the Democratic majority
7. Ice Dancing
8. Swimming with Sharks/ Running with Rats
9. Listening to Advice from parents

10. Taking anything John Mayer, Kanye West or Glen Beck says seriously

Least Popular Things To Give Up For Lent

2010-02-16T10:22:00.003-05:00

Least Popular Things to Give Up for Lent

1. Water
2. Clothes
3. Sex (for singles only)
4. Self-censoring (John Mayer Celebrity edition)
5. Talking
6. Living
7. Sleep
8. Sexting (for teenagers and elderly only)
9. Not texting or giving status updates while driving
10. Paying attention to those celebrity and weight loss magazines in the checkout lane at the grocery store

What Bono is Giving Up for Lent (lenten redux)

2010-02-16T08:14:00.002-05:00

since tomorrow is the beginning of lent, I thought I would bring back some of my Lent postings from past years, along with some newer thoughts on Lent for your enrichment. Here is my posting from 2 years ago on what Bono is giving up for lent (original post):

What Bono is Giving Up for Lent

1. Wild Horse Riding
2. Getting stuck in moments he is unable to get out of
3. Running to a stand still
4. Finding what he is looking for
5. Holding me, Thrilling me, Kissing me, Killing me
6. Looking for Nameless Streets
7. His desire
8. Making it on his own
9. Waking up dead men
10. Walking on

Super Bowl as Directed by...

2010-02-04T19:50:00.001-05:00

if you like football and film, this is for you. I know there are few people that care about Bart Starr and Werner Herzog, but for them, enjoy.

Cold War Kids "Audience"

2010-02-02T20:31:00.003-05:00

if you don't like the latest from Cold War Kids, I offer my condolences to your dead dark musical heart. Enjoy!

Cold War Kids, "Audience Of One" from Vern Moen on Vimeo.

Academy Award Nominations 2010- my Oscar thoughts

2010-02-02T10:29:00.004-05:00

The 2010 Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Oscar nominations earlier today. See here.

If I did not give you my thoughts on the Academy Awards, the only major award I feel has any credence, you would be disappointed. While the Grammy’s have become a complete joke over the years, only propping up the fading music industry’s few remaining top-sellers, with an occasional original artist relegated to winning in something as obscure as the “best contemporary folk” or “best alternative,” the Oscars still have some credibility.

Sure, more often than not the best film of the year does not win. However, the independent cinema does get noticed regularly, especially in screenwriting and acting categories and the film industry does not need a referral to hospice like the music industry which is simultaneously suffering from brain cancer, Alzheimer’s and heart disease.

Yes, there are the travesties of tripe like Crash, American Beauty, Chicago, Braveheart and A Beautiful Mind winning best picture during the last decade-and-a-half or Ron Howard winning best director for being a nice guy. Sure, it is stupid to expand the Best Picture nominations to 10 films, thereby disallowing my grouse about the 2-3 superior films left out (while simultaneously allowing me to complain about the lack of others).

I have seen most of the major motion pictures in contention this year.

So, here are my initial complaints and praises as a guy that thinks he knows a lot about film:

1. 1. Where the heck is Where the Wild Things Are? I understand that many people did not get its genius, but leaving it out of technical categories like Best Art Direction, Best Costume Design and Cinematography is a miscarriage of justice on all accounts. Aside from Avatar, it was the most visually stunning film of the year. Arrgh.

2. I enjoy seeing District 9 as a Best picture nominee, even if it does not deserve inclusion. If you are going to slum, where is The Hangover? What about small gems like Moon (not one nomination), Sugar and In the Loop? I am glad to see In the Lop included for screenplay, which is deserved (but cannot believe there is no acting supporting nomination for Peter Capaldi). With 10 nominees it seems this year’s bridesmaid is The Messenger which got great early buzz, but was forgotten. Seriously, Blind Side? C’mon, Bush is no longer in office.

3. After being shut out of the Golden Globes, I was pleased to see Jeremy Renner nominated for Best Actor in my favorite film of the year, The Hurt Locker (not even close). His performance is so natural it can be missed, which leads me to Jeff Bridges, the most underrated actor in cinematic history. Crazy Heart has not made it to Tampa, but I don’t care. Put the Oscar in bubble wrap and send it to him today. He is one of the top 3 actors in the world and it is about time he finally gets the love he has always deserved. Oh yeah, where was Sam Rockwell? Duh.

4. As usual Screenplay has the most interesting and edgy nominees. It is always the place Oscar gives love to those it ignores at other times. However, this year Up In the Air wins for adapted since the logjam is too big for it to push through for Best Picture. Inglourious Basterds gives Quentin his second pseudo-best picture statuette. Oscar was smart to stay away from Avatar in these categories, unless they put it in Adapted Screenplay and mention Pocahontas or Dances with Wolves.

5. I will be rooting hard for Kathryn Bigelow and Hurt Locker all night. While I think the best director category is strong, it is her time. Tarantino has grown up, but the ending of IB left me cold and showed weakness. Reitman will get an Oscar soon enough (and in many other years it would be his- plus he gets one for screenplay), while Cameron can never be dismissed (plus Avatar is a bigger achievement in directing than Titanic). Lee Daniels is the “happy to be here” nominee that they always have.

6. Best Supporting Actress is the toughest of all to gauge. That category has no weakness. Best Supporting Actor forgot some better performances, but Waltz was great. I wish Oscar had remembered others from The Hurt Locker in this category. Give Bullock her Julia Roberts memorial playing-against-type statue. Whatever.

7. In other news, I love that there were at least 5 animated films worthy of inclusion (but, where is Ponyo?). We know what wins though. Glad to see The Cove and Food, Inc. as best docs. I hated a couple of the scores included and could give you my treatise on why they always screw up on the technical awards, but I have already ranted (see #1) a bit. Plus, I don’t want to put you to sleep. By the way, it doesn’t matter since Avatar wins all of them (besides Cinematography- I don’t see how it is special there?).

I will try a running commentary of complaints, snark and praise on Oscar night if you care.

By the way, here is my list of the Top Films of the Year. I still stand by it.

NOBODY "WASTES" THEIR CANCER

2010-02-01T14:18:00.001-05:00

Excuse my little rant. I haven't done this in a while, but this has me fired up

You have probably come across the great AP piece on Pastor Matt Chandler of Village Church in Dallas’ battle with inoperable cancer. It is well done and covers the bases as such article should. Sure, in a major AP piece, it would have been interesting to hear accounts from those that may have a different theological take on suffering, etc. But, I cannot quibble about such a minor thing.

I do take issue with the idea that he is suffering well, when compared to others which is the article’s title (even if I agree that according to his own faith story, he is). While his example is powerful and can lead to a different approach to suffering for some patients, including it may lead to guilt for those that suffer differently (which is not Chanlder’s idea or even the article’s. I believe the title comes from a quote by Mark Driscoll).

What I can quibble about is some of the reaction to Matt Chandler’s cancer, evident in one quote from the article and in the blogosphere (has the phrase “in the blogosphere” ever preceded something positive?). Hastened by John Piper’s Don’t Waste Your Cancer blog posting from a few years ago, they declare Chanlder is not wasting his cancer either. In it, Piper, suffering from cancer at the time, gave 10 teaching points on how one wastes their cancer. While I do not like the semantics behind “Don’t Waste Your Cancer” and find it discourteous that anyone wastes something in which they feel immeasurable pain and the idea of death because their body attacks itself, I gave Piper grace because he speaks out of his own experience. And, I think any cancer patient can say whatever they want to cope and to survive.

However, because of the way Matt Chandler is approaching one of the worst diagnoses fathomable, especially to someone with a young family, with evident reliance upon his faith, family and church, many are saying “he is not wasting his cancer.” Let me explain something as one that has not experienced cancer personally, but has had friends and family diagnosed and die of the disease, and one that through my role as Director of Spiritual Care for a hospice has seen what cancer patients go through as they deal with the end of their lives here on earth… No One Wastes their Cancer. It is not something to waste. It is something that wastes you. Yes, you can approach it with grace, faith and strength, which I hope you do. You can feel as if you are wasting your own cancer, but don’t put in on anyone else!

But, however you deal with your cancer is not for me to judge. You can be angry. You can be depressed. You can scream when the pain comes and you can ask for the most powerful pain medication available. It is your cancer and your burden. You can handle it however you are able. I just hope you don’t give up hope and I hope you find healing (internal and eternal, not necessarily external). I hope you find people to lean on. I hope that you lean directly on God (and as a chaplain, I will help you walk through whatever spiritual understanding you have).

While Matt Chandler is dealing with his cancer in a way true to his belief system and his life pre-cancer, I would not be so arrogant to say that he was wasting it if he had reacted differently than John Piper has. It is his cancer and his reaction and beyond the comprehension or judgment of another human being. Just because he is reacting in a way they like does not mean a hill of beans to anyone else.

I am praying for Matt Chandler. I don’t know him, but we have mutual friends. I am not interested in his theological position or leadership position in the church when I pray for him. I couldn’t care less. He is a man with 3 young children and a wife he is worried about. As a dad of 3 kids below 10, I know enough to feel confident in how to pray for him as a husband and dad. That is all I need to do and know.

In case you are wondering what quotes I am speaking of, here is Mark Driscoll from the AP article, "If he suffers well, that might be the most important sermon he's ever preached." Who decides if he is “suffering well”? Does Driscoll? Do I? How much pressure of “suffering well” according to others does he need?

On his twitter feed,Dr. Al Mohler* says “not wasting his cancer” before retweeting the AP article and another blogger says “Praise God that Chandler is not wasting his cancer” here. I get what they are trying to say, but they putunintentional pressure on every cancer patient to react in a predetermined RIGHT way that may not be how they deal with such a dire diagnosis. Not every Biblical character reacted to life and death issues in the same way and not every person should be expected to act in a way that we (as non cancer patients) decide is RIGHT.

If you want to share the article, talk about his faith and how he responds to suffering but don’t say anything about wasting his cancer or that he is suffering well, when others are not.

*Mohler had a cancer scare a few years ago, so I cut him some slack on this.

I care deeply about Social Justice, except when it comes to my computer

2010-01-29T15:39:00.008-05:00

This is possibly the most controversial blog posting I have created. It is not particularly poignant or well written. But, in some ways I hope it gets traction to further a conversation not happening. Of course, I can imagine the reaction, even from some of my progressive social justice oriented friends. Why? Because I am questioning one of their first loves and a VERY SACRED COW in the world in which I reside, something that (from tweets and facebook statuses) seems to take precedence over every other issue in their lives.

In fact, regarding this subject I was going to do one of my typically sardonic and immature satirical pieces in which I have Steve Jobs introducing the iPad to a pastor's conference saying it will cause people to read the Bible and do more for Christianity that anything since the printing press and Gutenberg Bible. But, I changed my mind and decided to be more pointed. It all came down this week because everyone was talking about Steve Jobs and his introduction of another gadget, as Bill Gates got no traction for his announcement of the aims of his foundation for 2010. Of course, while one will let us read books and surf the web in cool new ways, it won't save the life of a damn soul. The other just might.

So are my questions (and I say this as a household in which 3 iPods, 1 iPhone and an older Mac Book reside).

sure I am setting up a bit of a false dichotomy for my own selfish purposes

Why does our love of technology trump our love of Social justice? Why do we still vilify (to an extent) Bill Gates, going out of our way to dismiss him while treating Steve Jobs as the second coming of Jesus and every product he sells us for an inflated price as Gifts from the Magi?

Why do we skewer consumerism, especially in the church and amongst those we disagree with while acting like children following the Pied Piper of hyper-consumerism when it comes to technology?

Why do we hand our money to Steve Jobs and ask nothing about what he does with said money? Why don't we rush out to buy Microsoft products, even if they are not superior (and less cool) to Apple products? Have you seen how Bill Gates chooses to spend his money? Have you seen another person so hellbent on spending every penny he has for the betterment of the world around him?

So many people that talk about how america spends its money, how churches and corporations pend their money fall silent when the conversation turns to Apple vs. Microsoft. Why is that?

I heard an interview with Bill Gates from a few years ago in which he calls himself a "steward" over and over again, in which he said he plans to leave $100 million for each of his children and will spend the rest on trying to save the world from poverty, malnutrition, disease and lack for education. Sure, leaving his kids $100 million apiece sounds ridiculous to us, until we realize that is like a millionaire leaving each kid $10K.

In my search for Steve Jobs and Apple's charitable contributions I found very little. It is my hope that it is because he is a notoriously private man that gives away millions of dollars per year behind the scenes. Sadly, he has a reputation for giving very little away. Of course, Bill Gates reputation for giving is well deserved.

Look at this book of Steve Job's philanthropy (it is a joke, but there may be some reason it is out there)

Here is an article from 4 years ago asking which one should be the bigger star

Here is Bill Gates latest letter from his foundation, along with an interview

Again, I am not questioning Steve Jobs, as much as I am asking which company deserves a little less grief from supporters of Social Justice issues that tell everyone to put their money where their mouth is in every area... besides the cool stuff we buy. I am questioning our commitment to put our money where our mouth is and to ask some questions of the maker of our most precious products.

I must say, in the end one will be remembered for what he did with what he was given more than he will be remembered for all the cool things he made (sounds almost Biblical). I have no idea about the other guy. But, I know which one I will be telling my grandkids about and hoping they emulate.

more on the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation

my new music obsession

2010-01-24T20:41:00.003-05:00

I really dig this new British band called Mumford and Sons. Imagine Frightened Rabbit mixed with Avett Brothers. Their album comes out in the states next month (beware of one dirty word, sang a bunch).

Today’s gay Atlanta Residents Caused Atlanta to be destroyed by God (through Sherman) in 1964

2010-01-22T10:20:00.005-05:00

Upon hearing news that Advocate magazine has named Atlanta the gayest city in America, Pat Robertson released a statement declaring a retroactive curse upon the city. While this is his first such announcement, Robertson assures his viewers that such curses are regular weapons in God’s arsenal.

“Atlanta has been cursed for being the gayest city in America. In fact, God preemptively cursed the city by sending General William T Sherman to the city in 1864 to burn it to the ground,” said Robertson earlier today. He continued, “God, in his foreknowledge understood that Atlanta would one day embrace an unrepentant gay lifestyle, so he judged it, cursed it and destroyed it almost 150 years before the city would understand the curse. America's God has the option to act unilaterally and preemptively when needed. Today we understand why.”

When asked for comment on other cities God destroyed,especially during Sherman's campaign of destruction, Robertson said he would have to get his research team, comprised of grad students from Regent University, to dig through documents to figure out what God was cursing them for. ABC’s Rock Chinley asked about slavery to which Robertson responded, “that was not the reason for God’s curse. Sure it was the stated reason for Northern aggressors, but the southern states did not understand the issue as we do today. It is much different and God only curses homosexuality, liberalism, Devil Worship and the ACLU."

thanks to my friend Krystal for inspiring the idea for this post

2010-01-20T19:54:00.002-05:00

see more Epic Fails

In an attempt to Sway Christian Voters, Obama moves State of the Union away from LOST premiere

2010-01-18T09:13:00.001-05:00

After his fiascos surrounding the preemption of the Charlie Brown Christmas special, in which it was brought to light by a Tennessee mayor that President Obama, as a closet Muslim, was intentionally trying to destroy the Christian message, Obama’s spokesman, Robert Gibbs announced today that Obama will not preempt the season debut of LOST for his already scheduled State of The Union address on February 2. Instead, the State of the Union address will be on January 27, according to the White House.

According to Gibbs, “Obama understands the importance of LOST to Christians throughout the United States and after the unfortunate mistake surrounding the Charlie Brown Christmas special, Obama has heeded the advice of his Christian friends, supporters and counselors by changing his address date. It has been difficult to keep up with the scheduling of LOST, since they seem to work hard to make people confused about when it will be on. However, after speaking to head of nighttime programming at ABC, we have chosen to give America what it wants.”

“Why LOST and not another program on another network? is an obvious question," continues Gibbs. “Because the president was given a book entitled The Gospel According to LOST by Christian preacher Chris Seay last week. It is now the president’s understanding that LOST is an obvious presentation of the Christian message. While President Obama values all religious expressions equally, he does not want to offend his Christian friends once more.”

Reverend Brian McLaren, a regular advisor to the president on religious matters confirmed Obama’s desire to reach out to Christians after the “unfortunate Charlie Brown incident.” McLaren did say that this should bring back many of those in the Emerging Church movement who were frustrated by Obama because he had wimped out and acted too conservative on many issues, “they worship LOST even more than they care about their politics or theology.”

Evangelicalism isn't dead- sorry for the misunderstanding

2010-01-15T09:11:00.001-05:00

Corrections: It has come to our attention that the report from January 7, 2010 entitled “Obituary for the Emerging Church” was incorrect regarding one fact.

It erroneously reported that the Emerging Church's paternal grandmother, Evangelicalism had died in 2009. This was incorrect.

In fact, Evangelicalism is still alive. In late fall 2009, while frail from incurable brain cancer and early onset dementia, Evangelicalism was brutally attacked by the editors of Patrol magazine in a New York alleyway. The attack was not fatal.

Presently, Evangelicalism is in a persistent vegetative state on a ventilator in a Florida hospice.

Buddhism Drops Tiger Woods, proposes trade for Denzel Washington

2010-01-13T14:32:00.003-05:00

Buddhism Drops Sponsorship Deal With Tiger Woods

Dharamsala, India- In an unprecedented show of unity, three of the major schools of Buddhism have come together to announce that their religion will no longer sponsor Tiger Woods, should he return to the PGA tour. Speaking from a hotel in Dharamsala, India, a spokesman for the Dalai Lama announced the news. According to the spokesman, the three major schools of Buddhism, including Theravada (the school Tiger Woods’ mother is affiliated with), Mahayana and Vajrayana have decided that the Dalai Lama, as the public face of all Buddhists (even though he is the head of a relatively small sect of Vajrayana Buddhists) to Americans, should deliver the statement.

The statement is as follows;

“It has come to our attention that many other organizations and groups have severed ties with Tiger Woods following his unfortunate transgressions which were made public in late November, 2009. Like Accenture, AT&T and Gatorade, Buddhism feels that Tiger Woods’ transgressions are not a reflection upon our central tenants and his public image is one that we would like to separate from, as reports indicate he is being courted by other major religions. However, please consider this a suspension. He is not a free agent and we will not let him out of his air tight contract without compensation. Our agent, Scott Boras will be available for question following this event.

While we had never considered Tiger Woods a spokesperson for Buddhism, we feel we must take this step for a number of reasons; 1) Self styled spokesman Richard Gere made us look bad during the 1993 Oscars by asking Americans to channel their energy to their TVs so China would free Tibet. After recovery from that travesty, Steven Seagal’s movie career tanked embarrassing us even more. Needless to say, American celebrities are not the best role models for international Buddhists, 2) studies indicate that Buddhist men cheat on their wives at a lower rate than Christian men, including Protestants and much less than Evangelical Protestants in Public Office, 3) Brit Hume has indicated that Buddhism does not do redemption and forgiveness as well as Christianity. It is true that we do not have Western understandings of sin, individual moral redemption and god. Therefore, if Tiger Woods needs these things, he may want to consider another religion, especially since we did not even know he was a practicing Buddhist. Sure he mediates, but if we acknowledged every single person that meditates, we would be the biggest religion in the world.

By the way, we are older than Christianity. Just sayin’.”

During the question and answer time, the spokesman indicated an interest in a possible trade with Christianity. He has asked that Brit Hume, as the official spokesman for Christianity through his work at Fox News, the only news source for Tibetan Buddhists, please call the Dalai Lama to make arrangements. Buddhists are interest in a straight up trade for Tim Tebow or a Tiger Woods and Steven Seagal for Denzel Washington trade, especially if his new Christian movie is very good.