Dharamsala, India- In an unprecedented show of unity, three of the major schools of Buddhism have come together to announce that their religion will no longer sponsor Tiger Woods, should he return to the PGA tour. Speaking from a hotel in Dharamsala, India, a spokesman for the Dalai Lama announced the news. According to the spokesman, the three major schools of Buddhism, including Theravada (the school Tiger Woods’ mother is affiliated with), Mahayana and Vajrayana have decided that the Dalai Lama, as the public face of all Buddhists (even though he is the head of a relatively small sect of Vajrayana Buddhists) to Americans, should deliver the statement.
The statement is as follows;
“It has come to our attention that many other organizations and groups have severed ties with Tiger Woods following his unfortunate transgressions which were made public in late November, 2009. Like Accenture, AT&T and Gatorade, Buddhism feels that Tiger Woods’ transgressions are not a reflection upon our central tenants and his public image is one that we would like to separate from, as reports indicate he is being courted by other major religions. However, please consider this a suspension. He is not a free agent and we will not let him out of his air tight contract without compensation. Our agent, Scott Boras will be available for question following this event.
While we had never considered Tiger Woods a spokesperson for Buddhism, we feel we must take this step for a number of reasons; 1) Self styled spokesman Richard Gere made us look bad during the 1993 Oscars by asking Americans to channel their energy to their TVs so China would free Tibet. After recovery from that travesty, Steven Seagal’s movie career tanked embarrassing us even more. Needless to say, American celebrities are not the best role models for international Buddhists, 2) studies indicate that Buddhist men cheat on their wives at a lower rate than Christian men, including Protestants and much less than Evangelical Protestants in Public Office, 3) Brit Hume has indicated that Buddhism does not do redemption and forgiveness as well as Christianity. It is true that we do not have Western understandings of sin, individual moral redemption and god. Therefore, if Tiger Woods needs these things, he may want to consider another religion, especially since we did not even know he was a practicing Buddhist. Sure he mediates, but if we acknowledged every single person that meditates, we would be the biggest religion in the world.
By the way, we are older than Christianity. Just sayin’.”
During the question and answer time, the spokesman indicated an interest in a possible trade with Christianity. He has asked that Brit Hume, as the official spokesman for Christianity through his work at Fox News, the only news source for Tibetan Buddhists, please call the Dalai Lama to make arrangements. Buddhists are interest in a straight up trade for Tim Tebow or a Tiger Woods and Steven Seagal for Denzel Washington trade, especially if his new Christian movie is very good.
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