John Piper Clarifies Tweets regarding Rob Bell

Late Breaking News from Minneapolis

Rob Bell was not the only Christian celebrity speaking to his followers via streaming online video on Monday evening. John Piper, in a hastily thrown together video chat on his website (www.desiringgod.org), answered reporters questions regarding his previous tweet which had created the firestorm of blogs postings, tweets and facebook rants on the supposed content of Rob Bell's newest book, Love Wins.

In an opening statement, an unnamed twenty-something spokesman for Piper declared that the controversy was entirely overblown and without merit. Piper was disappointed that his words had been taken out of context and that so much buzz had been created for a book by a pastor with a mere Master of Divinity and no advanced theological training. Said the statement, "While I am sure Rob is a wonderful guy, his books should not be selling as well as mine due to the fact his followers are not as well educated and he is lacking the proper credentials, credentials that would put his theological ramblings in proper alignment."

Asked why his press conference/ web chat was happening at the same time as a Rob Bell event in New York City, the spokesman explained that "Reformed Christians, or should I say, Christians, need to have their focus on the truth of the Gospel and Hell, not be distracted by a rock star talking about love. Who does he think he is, Bono?"

At this time, Dr. Piper came to the podium to explain his tweet. Piper explained that the tweet in question, in which he said "Farewell, Rob Bell" before sharing the link to a review of the book by a Conservative blogger with no actual knowledge of the contents of the book, was out of context.

"Actually I said, Fare Well, Rob Bell," which is a completely different sentiment. For one thing, it flows poetically. That anyone would think that I would create such an awkward couplet as the actual tweet is preposterous. I have modeled my use of language after the Puritan poet/ theologians like Jonathan Edwards. Secondly, I realized that much controversy would arise surrounding his book, so I wanted to offer a word of encouragement and hope that he fares well with this. Lastly, as any reader of Old English understands, 'fare-thee-well' is a statement of hope for perfection."

When asked about the actual tweet, Piper answered, "Dang autocorrect. I don't know what kind of Communists they have running Apple, but their Big Brother attitude towards typing is ridiculous."

At this time, Piper left the podium, abruptly ending the news conference/ chat. His spokesman told those gathered that Piper would be retreating to his home to read Jonathan Edwards' responses to bad press before reading tweets about the Rob Bell event in New York City.

UPDATE:

Later that evening, after watching a bit of Rob Bell's stream, John Piper's twitter account shared this tweet, "Farewell, Rob Bell, You I tell, There is a Hell." A spokesman asserted the veracity of the tweet.

Free Agent Preacher Driscoll to Announce New City for Pastoring Live tonight

After weeks of discussion, sources are announcing that Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, the star free agent preacher of 2010, will be announcing his future plans live on TheChurchChannel tonight at 9PM from the offices of the International Justice Mission in D.C. All proceeds from the announcement will be given to IJM.

While it is not known what Rev. Driscoll will do, his entourage has been taking calls from pulpits around the world, fielding offers and crunching numbers. While many pastors have reupped with their home teams, others have chased the money and potential from church plants and established pulpits in other cities.

Speculation has reached a fever pitch in this summer of the free agent preachers. Already this week, Rick Warren has re-signed with Saddleback for the maximum contract, as have Andy Stanley and Bill Hybels with their churches. Ed Young, Jr. has announced he will be leaving Fellowship of Grapevine for the sun and fun of South Beach. A spokesman for Young stated that "we should not be surprised. The lifestyle of Miami is more conducive to Pastor Young's ministry gifts."

In fact, earlier today, Rob Bell announced via twitter that he would be leaving Grand Rapids, Michigan, a truly dreadful place, for the challenges of San Diego, California. Said Bell, in 140 characters or less, "yo peeps, Love G Rap but 2 cold, the Bell needs sunshine and a congregants w/ cash money. Trading specs for sunglasses."

With the other top free agent's announcements, the pressure is mounting for Driscoll, whose options are endless and ego demands a larger stage than twitter or a blog. Says a spokesman, "Mark has chosen to announce his intentions via television. He feels that the excitement surrounding his free agency is something that must be used for the Gospel of Jesus Christ on the biggest stage available. Sadly, no one on CNN, ESPN or Bravo took our calls. This is all we could get."

While potential followers and fans in New York, Minneapolis, Las Vegas and London are teeming with excitement, the congregants of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, the church he began in 1996, are nervously awaiting the announcement, speaking out on fan forums and throwing rallies, like the one in Seattle's Ballard neighborhood which drew tens of people last month.

Says longtime parishioner, Mike Stewart, "now I don't want to get in trouble with the elders for speaking out, but Mark is Seattle and Seattle is Mark. We built each other and to think he might throw away his loyalty to us, which is tattooed on his back, is sickening. To think of him leaving us for a city like New York saddens his fans. If he leaves, I am throwing away my autographed copy of his book Reformissionary!"

Another church member, speaking on condition of anonymity since she is female, said this, "we are all witnesses to his rise and we better not be witnesses to his departure. If he leaves us via television, it will be like a knife in the back and he will be booed when he comes back."

While some are speaking out, others are praying for Driscoll's love of Seattle coffee and its homegrown beers to draw him home.

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Cities vying for Mark Driscoll and odds:

Seattle (45% chance)- his hometown, Driscoll loves the city, built the church from scratch into a megamachine. However, the winters are dreary and he realizes it is not a world class city. The gloomy rock scene has seen its better days and jobs are leaving town. It is not as hip as it was in the 90s.

New York City (25%)- The potential of preaching alongside Tim Keller at Redeemer and having access to the greatest city in the world, along with its denizens must be alluring. One church with 2 mega-preaching stars would crush the competition. Plus, Keller is turning 60 and has indicated he is interested in retiring in the near future, leaving the pulpit to Driscoll alone. However, the cost of living is high. It is far from friends and family and the coffee sucks.

Minneapolis (15%)- With his mentor John Piper on a long sabbatical, the elders of Bethlehem Baptist Church are pining for a suitable replacement. Besides his mouth, Driscoll fits the bill. With his fierce intellect, reformed credentials and powerful preaching, the potential for growth is huge. However, many members of the church do not like funny preachers, as evidenced by John Piper sermons. Also, Driscoll does not like extreme winters where there is no water. He does like the challenge of going face-to-face with Emerging Church leaders in the city.

London (10%)- The chance to be in one of the biggest cities in the world, full of Muslims to convert or piss off, is alluring. Also, the beer choice is extraordinary, even if the coffee and food choices are mildly outputting. Most interesting to Driscoll is the chance to follow in the footsteps of his favorite all time preacher, Spurgeon. However, the extreme openness to all opinions would make Driscoll's message less offensive and interesting to Londoners and his form of humor does not always translate to British sensibilities. Also, the British men tend to be effeminate (and he hates soccer).

Las Vegas (5%)- An early front-runner, Driscoll is not as interested in starting a new church. However, he realizes in Vegas he can say anything he wants and it will be acceptable. Plus, there is so much sin for him to go after. In fact, he can preach a full year just on the evils of gambling and strippers. However, he understands that "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" and Driscoll is not interesting in his message staying anywhere.

Stay Tuned...

Ways LOST could end

I don't watch the show, but I have seen a lot of TV. Here are my thoughts on how LOST could end:

1. Star Matthew Fox will wake up, shower and walk downstairs… and on to the set of Party of 5, as star Charlie Salinger. He will then tell the rest of that cast, including Neve Campbell and Jennifer Love Hewitt about this weird dream he had last night (which entails all 5 seasons of LOST). The final episode will end with “Closer to Free” by the BoDeans.
2. It will end with the main characters airlifted off the island. An “other” will be left standing there. They will look down and the word “Goodbye” will be spelled out in shells and coconuts. They will smile at each other knowingly.
3. The living characters will sit in a New Jersey diner with Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” rolling over the end credits.
4. The screen will pan out. We will see the LOST Island is really a diorama of an island in the hands of a young autistic boy, sharing his school project. The whole thing has been in his brain.
5. Everyone will die on the island besides 1 (I am not telling you who). He will then find a package from Fed Ex with a volleyball he names Wilson. He will then talk to the volleyball for an inordinately long period of time. He will eventually fashion a craft and escape the island. He will deliver another Fed Ex package to a single lady and be happy, even though all his friends are dead. A Coldplay song will play over the ending.
6. The remaining characters will take a celebratory 3 hour cruise on the SS Minnow with a skipper and first mate. They will be restranded on the same island setting up a spin off. This time it will be a comedy.
7. It will be an alternate universe setting up a future as seen in JJ Abrams Star Trek. Kate Austin will end up marrying Tiberious Kirk, thereby becoming the great-great-great-great grandmother of James T. Kirk.
8. The monster from JJ Abrams’ film Cloverfield is really living on the island. It will escape. Everyone will die. A Ronnie James Dio song will play over the ending. It was a prequel to his movie.
9. The remaining characters will be flying back to the island, but make a stopover in Latham, MA due to a small crisis on the plane. They will witness a carjacking and refuse to help. They will be arrested under a new ordinance which demands bystanders help those in need. During a trial, they will be visited by former islanders, all living normal lives. They will then be prosecuted and sentenced to 1 year in prison. The finale will suck.
10. Fox Mulder will be called in to investigate. He will believe the stories. Scully will be skeptical. We will learn it was all a plot of a shadow US government perpetrated by the smoking man. Nothing will be answered and everyone will be disappointed. A movie will be planned but no one will care because they have moved on to other things.

The real ending:

C’mon, you know they all really died on the plane crash and this is purgatory.

What you didn’t know about the show:

1. Being a former Scientologist, JJ Abrams has really been creating a metaphor for the religion. Those on the LOST Island are really representing those who attempt to escape the clutches of Scientology with the consequences usually dire. He had to keep it hidden because Tom Cruise would be really mad. All the crazy things in the show are really basic tenants of Ron Hubbard theology. It is really pretty obvious.

An Interview with The Earth

Interviewer: First of all I would like to thank you for taking the time to speak to me. Should I call you Earth, Gaia or Mother Nature?

Earth: I don’t really care. My friends call me Suzanne. I really liked the tune by Leonard Cohen and let the other planets know this would be my new name.

Interviewer: Well, Suzanne, we are here on the occasion of the 40^th Earth Day, our annual celebration of you. First of all- Happy Earth Day!

Earth: Thanks. Did you bring me any flowers? I like flowers and compost. The candies are wrapped in pretty toxic wrapping.

Interviewer: Do you have any thoughts on Earth Day?

Earth: It reminds me of every other human holiday, well without the cards. At least some of you do give me the flowers. I have heard Christians complain about all the non-practicing Christians that show up for Easter and then forget about church and Jesus every other day. It kinda feels like that. Suddenly people take the bus or write a proclamation, or even worse, someone like Exxon puts a green symbol on its website. They think I don’t notice how crappy they behave every other day, but I do. I guess I appreciate the 1 day. Of course, I would like a whole month.

Interviewer: So, Earth Day is like Easter?

Earth: Actually, Earth Day Is more like Valentine’s Day. I am the longsuffering girlfriend and you “humans’ are the bad boyfriend. One day per year you guys tell me how sexy I am, hoping you will get lucky and I will let you stay. The rest of the year you are a bunch of cheating slobs that won’t pick up after yourselves and you just trash the house. Plus, you kick my pets around. Then you come around and say “I’m sorry baby. I will treat you better. I forgot how special you were. Here honey. Can I get you some nice organic veggies today?” And then tomorrow its back to the same old behavior. If I thought it was worth it, I would get you guys on the Marriage Ref or Dr. Phil.

Heck, even NASA is flirting with Mars continually. Like Mars would be interested in Earthlings. She already ridded herself of lifeforms a long time ago.

You actually think I could not live without you. Hmmmph. I could replace you with chimps and dolphins on the top of the chain any day of the week. They are just about as smart and clean up after themselves. At least the dolphins do. You are nothing a good flood would not handle.

Interviewer: That brings me to a touchy subject. Lately things have gotten a bit crazy. It seems as if we are getting more earthquakes, flooding, volcanic activity and bigger storms. Some say it is due to global warming, others say El Nino, while still others say God is bringing the end of the world.

Earth: You guys are always saying it is the end of the world. Heck, you have been saying that since you could fashion words into sentences. “Oh, Ice Age, Big Flood, turn of a century.” It is the end of the world every day. Look, I am not saying anything conclusive. But, if you had a really crappy roommate or significant other that was always paying the rent late, trashing your house or was continually unfaithful, would you eventually want to kick that roommate or significant other out?

Interviewer: Are you saying that all of these natural disasters are a concerted effort to kill us?

Earth: Are you saying that you guys have not been trying to kill me? I hear what some of you say? “Survival of the fittest” and “dominion of the earth.” Yeah, well you started it.

Interviewer: Any thoughts on Global Climate Change?

Earth: Yes. You keep turning up the thermostat, eventually it breaks.

Interviewer: Well, is there anything we can do to stay?

Earth: Clean up after yourselves and I will think about it. Just shut up and stop trying to win some battle against me. I will kick your asses any day… and then dolphins rule. Just watch your backs if you keep up this behavior.

2 Perfect Christian Conferences

Taking cues from other conference directors and creators, I am going into the business of creating and managing events. It should work well for me. I have put together multiple events during my life and used to be a concert promoter. In fact, I am partnering with a friend in Tampa Bay to put on next week’s Sustainable Faith conference in St. Pete featuring Shane Claiborne, Doug Pagitt and Danielle Shroyer. It should be a great event.

As I try to create my own brand of conferences I have decided to move towards absolute perfection. Too many of these conferences are trying for absolute diversity but failing miserably. Last year, friends put on such a conference in which all the speakers were women. This year, the main conference happening in a few weeks is diverse, but still over populated by men with beards (I called it the Beards of Theology event). I just received an email concerning an event in Atlanta this fall that attempts diversity. The main speakers are an African American woman, a Native American man and a white guy. This is good, but don’t women hold a higher percentage in the USA? Not, 100% like that conference I mentioned, but something like 51%-49% (I am not actually looking it up).

So, here are 2 conference ideas. The first is for progressive, emerging, Social Justice Christians. It takes a lot of work and will get me very little money since they demand everything be free or discounted (each wants an insider deal and is a poor Democrat). To make up for it, I will put on the perfect Reformed Evangelical Christian conference. I can charge a lot of money (the advantage of high salaries, big church budgets and Republicanism) with very little work.

IDEA #1

CATYLATE or CATYL8

Cost: $9.99

Location: still looking at UCC churches and seminaries in mid-major cities

21 speakers

11 female/ 10 male

8 White

4 African American

4 Latino (representing Mexican, Caribbean, Central and South American ethnicities)

3 Asian (representing Korean and Chinese, along w/ another)

1 multi-ethnic (hopefully Jewish or Arab in there- preferable both)

1 Native American

5 will be Gay or Lesbian

10 former Evangelicals (at least 2 former Baptists, 2 former Charismatics, 3 former fundies from Liberty or a Bible college)

5 mainliners

2 Catholics

4 other faith traditions

Presently, as I try to determine speakers, I realize that I need some people to play multiple parts with the coupe de grace being someone representative of 3 groupings. This is harder than trying to make the seedings for the NCAA tournament.

Music will be led by a good natured bearded folk singer with “edgy” lyrics about doubt and never-ending crescendos… and his girlfriend.

Each talk will be 18 minutes because TED is 20 and we want to be even better than TED. Topics include How to Be Liked by Everyone that is not a Closed Minded Fundamentalist,

What churches can learn from the spirituality and community building in dolphin communities, in a pluralistic age, why Christianity is not really superior to other religions, but kinda is, Post-Colonialism is not just a catchphrase, it actually means something,

Social Media: a Force for Good or a force for Great, Open Source Theology Using a Closed Source Technology, Life After Jesus and Why Everything we Ever Learned in Church is Wrong and the TV show LOST is Right, along with a discussion of Why Shane Claiborne, Rob Bell and anyone too successful aren’t really in our camp.

Since I will undoubtedly lose money on this, unless I can get everyone to come for free and get some suckers to sponsor it,J I still need to make some bank. For that, here is the perfect Conservative, Reformed Conference.

Conference #2

Our Gospel is Bigger than Yours

Cost $599.99

Location: Nashville with telecasts in Louisville, Dallas, Seattle, LA and Orlando

Speakers are 10 White Men, 5 of which wear suits and 5 of which cuss and wear Ed Hardy shirts.

Music will be led by a good natured bearded folk singer with “edgy” lyrics about sovereignty and reworkings of really old hymns of proper theological content all with never ending crescendos … and his pregnant wife.

Each sermon will be 45-50 minutes long, unless more time is desired. Topics will include The Primacy of Sovereignty in Theology, The Primacy of the Word Primacy in Preaching, The Primacy of Men in Relationships, The Primacy of Church Discipline, The Primacy of the Pastor’s will being done as an indication of His role as God’s Appointed, The Primacy of the Heresy of Emerging Christianity, A Discussion of the Heresy of Brian McLaren by the 10 speaker in which no one is allowed to dissent from the norm, Why Our Bible is better than yours, Why the Atonement is Not a Rose, but is a Tulip and Why We believe in Depravity of Man and the Sovereignty of God but Are Still Right about Everything.

At Conference #2 these words will be banned from use unless used disparagingly or in a mocking tone: contextual, justice, equality, emerge (and variations), process, doubt, pluralism, LOST (the TV show), conversation/ dialogue/ discussion and Brian McLaren.

At conference #2, these words must be used by all speakers. If unused contract is rendered null and void: Primacy (at least 4X per talk), sovereign, penal substitution, discipline, Gospel (as defined by us/ and as a hammer), orthodox, lost (people), sin, preaching, elder.

At conference #1 all these word usages will be reversed.

12 marks of new monasticism, according to your dad

Somewhere along the line, you may have come into contact with the 12 Marks of New Monasticism, a branch of the Emerging Church I have had tangential connection to during my journey. These 12 Marks, compiled by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove paint a very appealing picture of Christianity to many of us (myself included). However, to many of our parents, pastors and church leaders from another generation or worldview, they may seem a bit strange.

When asked to write a piece of satire for a magazine frequented by New Monastics, I came up with an early draft of the 12 marks, which was intended to poke a little fun at the earnestness of the group, while maintaining an understanding of who they are. It was not the right piece for the publication, so I have decided to resurrect it here, primarily because I like it. I have changed it from an early draft, so as to not unintentionally insult the originator. Instead we are going with this…

When a New Monastic says this (one of the 12 Marks), his/her dad or pastor hears this (something entirely different). This could be why New Monasticism and other emerging church ideas sound freakish to some older Christians.

The 12 Marks of New Monasticism, interpreted by your Dad.

1. You say “Relocation to the abandoned places of Empire.” Your dad hears “buy cheap houses in the ghetto and gentrify, but complain when other white people move in, thereby increasing your street-cred.”
2. You say “Sharing economic resources with fellow community members and the needy among us.” Your dad hears “become a hippy cult like those people in Haight-Ashbury and continue to misinterpret Acts 2:44-45 by taking it literally.”
3. You say “Hospitality to the stranger.” Your dad hears “Hospitality to other strange white people with tattoos oh, and poor people too, just don’t feed them the organic stuff.”
4. You say “Lament for racial divisions within the church and our communities combined with the active pursuit of a just reconciliation.” Your black friends hear “whine and complain with other white people about the lack of black people in your church. Go to black churches and notice how much better the music is. Complain less loudly.”
5. You say “Humble submission to Christ’s body, the church.” Your dad hears “when the pastor says ‘drink the Kool-Aid,’ you ask “can I have grape?’”
6. You say “Intentional formation in the way of Christ and the rule of the community along the lines of the old novitiate.” Your dad hears “act Catholic when it suits you, Protestant at all other times.” While the priest down the street hears “act Catholic, except when it comes to all that Mary, Pope and lifelong celibacy stuff. You know the stuff that makes a Catholic, Catholic.”
7. You say “Nurturing common life among members of intentional community.” Your dad hears “rebel against your upbringing, but with other weird people (don’t drink or smoke alone). Talk about how much more real this is than the way you grew up in Evangelicalism.”
8. You say “Support for celibate singles alongside monogamous married couples and their children.” Your dad or single friend hears “get to know singles that won’t let their girlfriend/ boyfriend sleep over. Ask them to babysit.”
9. You say “Geographical proximity to community members who share a common rule of life.” Your dad hears “find roommates to share expenses so you don’t have to get a real job working for The Man."
10. You say “Care for the plot of God’s earth given to us along with support of our local economies.” Your dad hears “stay away from Starbucks, McDonalds and Wal-Mart frequented by real people and silently judge that those that shop there. Drive a Prius or a bike. I guess you could take the bus.”
11. You say “Peacemaking in the midst of violence and conflict resolution within communities along the lines of Matthew 18.” Your dad hears “don’t pray people in the back, like they did in your parent’s church. Tell people when you got a beef against them.” For once he agrees with you, unless you are really saying “vote for Democratics, if they are sufficiently non-patriotic. Vote Green Party, if you must vote. Just don’t tell anybody.” He just can’t tell which you are saying, but he is concerned your vote will cancel his Republican vote.
12. You say “Commitment to a disciplined contemplative life.” Your dad hears “give up on everything you were taught in Sunday School.” Your older friends that listen to Toad the Wet Sprocket hear “Burn your TV in the yard. Gather round it with your friends.” They smile, unless you really mean it.

I still like it better the other way (as an early draft with what he was really saying crossed out), but decided for once to be gentle (it will not be a trend, I assure you).

Churches Announce Pop Singer Signings for Easter Services

An announcement earlier this week that The Jonas Brothers would be leading worship at Angels Stadium in Anaheim for Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church has touched off a wave of new signings and negotiations during the past 24 hours.

The 1 Day free agent signing, considered a coup by many insiders, was negotiated by Warren himself and The Jonas Brothers’ new agent Scott Boras, agent for MLB’s Alex Rodriquez and Manny Ramirez. Reached for comment, Rick Warren told reporters, “This will be quite the day. While many were trying to sign the Jonas Brothers, we knew the climate of the OC would be a draw, along with our proximity to LA and the connection we have to the Disney community. When you think Saddleback, you think Disney Pop. This is a match made in heaven by Angels and in Anaheim with the Angels. Plus, their parents love my book, The Purpose Driven Life. The Jonas Brothers are a purpose driven band and this is a purpose driven Sunday!”

Once considered a front runner for The Jonas Brothers’ services, the leadership team at Fellowship of Grapevine, is in full crisis mode. “Of course, they were our pick. Who does not want a number 1 of that caliber on the equivalent of opening day? But, we have something up our sleeves. Just wait.” Unnamed sources have confirmed that Rev. Young is negotiating with Lady GaGa, Taylor Swift and Beyonce at this time. His first choice is Beyonce, but only if she brings Jay-Z along.

Miss Swift was the front runner at Saddleback until her unfortunate off key performance at The Grammys. “Even our sound engineers would not know what to do with that, “said Saddleback’s chief sound guy. Also, there was concern that Kanye West would show up and upstage any Taylor Swift performance. Saddleback’s police force deemed Swift a security risk due to Kanye’s likely crashing.

Not wanting to wait for an announcement after the Jonas signing, Willow Creek announced today they are in negotiations with Coldplay front man Chris Martin to perform a solo set at each of their weekend services. Other weekend signings include Ricky Martin at Metropolitan Community Church of Dallas, Miley Cyrus at Joel Osteen’s Houston church and Sufjan Stevens at Mars Hill Grand Rapids since Sigur Ros and Radiohead were unavailable.

American Idol contestants and winners are dispersing nationwide as this article is being written. John Mayer’s pre-Easter stock has dropped due to unfortunate comments on twitter and in magazines. His agent hopes a church with a liberal view on sexuality will call before the weekend.

U2 has chosen to forego performing on Easter Sunday, opting for a quiet East celebration on the French Riviera with a private church service performed by the leadership of the Protestant and Catholic churches of Ireland and performances by Sinead O’Connor and Swell Season. The bands and ministers will be flown in, along with an alter from the Church of the Holy Sepulcher for this eco-friendly service. It is closed to the public.

There is no truth to the rumor that Mars Hill Church of Seattle has asked Nickleback to perform. Mars Hill has chosen to bring Ultimate Fighting Championship celebrities to give testimonials instead.

_____________

Updated: Fading pop star Britney Spears has been announced as the headliner for fading seeker church Without Walls Church in Tampa in what is considered another match made in heaven.

apparently it is not obvious on this post, but the story of The Jonas Brothers playing at Angels Stadium as part of Saddleback's Easter service is real:)

Glenn Beck, outraged at Christianity's message of Social Justice declares intention to start new Religion

On his show today, Glenn Beck announced that he was leaving Mormonism and organized religion all together upon finding out that most Christian churches and those of other religions, including Mormonism, teach Social Justice. He will be starting a new religion, based upon the teachings of Ayn Rand, W. Cleon Skousen and his books including Arguing with Idiots and Common Sense. He will also be rewriting the Book of Mormon and the Holy Bible to suit his needs, and those of his followers just as he has rewritten history and the constitution to suit his own purposes.

On his program, Mr. Beck said, “Well, let me tell you, I am very disappointed in today’s religions. I thought that the teachings of all religions, especially Christianity and Mormonism allowed me to believe whatever I wanted and read the Bible in whatever manner I decided, while declaring that your interpretation is incorrect. I was told by a religious leader that only the Pope and the leaders of denominations are allowed to interpret the Bible for themselves and everyone else. I think it is a conspiracy much like that Dan Brown discovered in The Da Vinci Code. I don’t believe in what he was saying, but I think it is obvious that something is going on, if you connect the dots. Which I have.”

Upon reading a Bible for the first time, Beck told listeners that he was shocked by the obvious communism of Jehovah, Jesus and the early church.

He stated, “This redistribution of funds advocated by Jesus is against the very Judeo-Christian principles on which this country was founded and we need to put a stop to it. Churches that believe the words of Jesus and Paul will be asking us to give money to their causes, they will feed the hungry, cloth the naked and most repulsively they will visit people in jail and heal the sick. It is almost as if they would want Health Care reform. So that message is tantamount to Communism, Nazism, Facisism, Socialism and any other ism I hear about. This must be stopped. Thank God the Judeo-Christian principles that this country was founded upon are directly opposed to the words of that dangerous book. I mean if our founders believed this book they would not have killed so many Indians and put blacks in slavery. Our founding was obviously different, thankfully. I am especially outraged at the treacherous behavior of the early church leaders in Acts 2, starting an alternative society in which people redistribute wealth. This must be stopped if any church engages in it. Because, next thing these church people will want is the government to abide by the same principles.”

Beck's diatribe continued with a declaration that he would be starting a new group in the next few days called the 9-13 Project, an update of his previous 9-12 Project. This project would advocate for a new interpretation of Scripture, fully influenced by the writings of Ayn Rand and the Judeo-Christian principles Beck understands to be the bedrock of American society. It would reinterpret the words of Jesus or throw out those that were against American principles. His plans will be unveiled at a news conference.

Rumors among his close followers include armed takeover of churches led by Pastors believing in Social Justice, because Beck realizes those leaving churches need places to go, and there are already places to meet for his message.

Oscar Roundtable

an imagined conversation

Oscar Round-Table with Mark Driscoll, Brian McLaren, Ed Young, Jr, David Dark and the Rev. Smith, pastor of Berean Baptist Church.

CTT: Thanks to all of you for participating in our roundtable. First of all, I would like to ask what each of you brings to the table to discus film.

Mark: “I do love film, I love story. My degree’s in communication. I’ve got two home theater systems. I’ve got three Tivos, all right, I am not against technology and the arts. Our film crew just was in L.A. at Universal Studios shooting on the Spartacus set to get all of our footage for Good Friday. Some of my friends are filmmakers and poets and artists and we’re a very creative church.”*

Brian: While I would rather not discuss the material possessions that allow me to watch film on a high level, I am a former English teacher at the University of Maryland and have an understanding of the narrative aspects of film and how they align with the Biblical narrative.

Ed Young, Jr.: Well, I am sure my home theater system would put Mark’s to shame. Plus, I minister to some very influential actors, names I cannot share at this time. And, we do a really cool “At the Movies” sermon series in which I take a really popular movie and create a sermon around it. We even make our stage look like the film. I cannot wait to do Avatar. I will be blue!

David Dark: I have written on film for a number of years. I find it a form, while not superior to the written word, at least its modern equivalent, allowing the participants, on both the maker’s side and that of the watcher, to create a participatory dance through its use of images, light, sound, narrative and human involvement that is superior to other artistic forms (the written word withstanding) due to its ability to fully engage those said participants, whether it is the grandiose art of a Fellini, the sublimity of a Godard or the lowbrow comedic timings of an Apatow.

Rev. Smith: I write a newsletter each month for my congregants telling them which movies they should see and which ones they shouldn’t.

CTT: First of all, let’s discuss the film Avatar. What are your reactions?

Mark: Avatar is “the most demonic, satanic film I’ve ever seen. That any Christian could watch that without seeing the overt demonism is beyond me… it is a completely false ideology, it’s a sermon preached. It’s the most popular movie ever made, and it tells you that the creation mandate, the cultural mandate is bad, that we shouldn’t, we shouldn’t develop culture, that’s a bad thing. Primitive is good and advanced is bad and that we’re not sinners, we’re just disconnected from the divine life force, just classic, classic, classic paganism, that human beings are to connect, literally, with trees and animals and beasts and birds and that there’s this spiritual connection that we’re all a part of, that we’re all a part of the divine. It presents a false mediator with a witch. It presents false worship of created things rather than Creator God in absolute antithesis to Romans 1:25, which gives that as the essence of paganism. It has a false incarnation where a man comes in to be among a people group and to assume their identity. It’s a false Jesus. We have a false resurrection. We have a false savior. We have a false heaven. The whole thing is new age, satanic, demonic paganism, and people are just stunned by the visuals. Well, the visuals are amazing because Satan wants you to emotionally connect with a lie.”*

Brian: While I appreciate the passion with which Mark speaks, I must disagree on a number of grounds. However, I do have an issue with the film when I think of the costs associated. I wonder how many wells could be built to provide clean drinking water in Africa with the money spend on that film. In fact, a sustainable wind farm could be created to bring renewable energy to the entire subcontinent with the money brought in so far. This is an example of the false narrative that Westerners find themselves in.

However, regarding the film itself, I do appreciate the fact that the oppressive Colonialist forces that were attempting to rape the land of a primitive (in the positive sense) people group were pushed back, once again showing the crises each civilization faces when an oppressor is led by fear, greed and racism. However, I do believe that it was a misfortune that the Myth of Redemptive Violence was exalted once more.

Ed Young Jr: Man, did you see it in 3D? Wow. We are totally going to create a 3D theater in our video venues so they can experience our church as it happens in Grapevine. Man, what I would not do for a fraction of that special effects budget every Sunday. As for the movie? Yeah. I think I can find a way to spin it around to the Gospel. I think each person needs to be willing to become someone else to reach others for Jesus. That’ll preach, right? Can’t wait for the sermon series. It will be on the web. I am gonna be blue and the church will be Pandora!

David: I would rather spend time talking about the narrative structure in the Coen Brothers film A Serious Man and how it speaks to the consequences of inaction in Jewish life which is not solved by the American Rabbinical tradition.

Rev. Smith: Didn’t see it. Told my congregants not to see it. Sounds wierd.

CTT: Alright, let’s look at the other Best Picture candidates. Any that stick out to you?

Mark: My number 1 choice is Inglourious Basterds. I would like to metaphorically bash the skulls of the evil expressed in this film (and by modern day poor theology). I get what Tarantino is trying to do and while I believe that it was God’s will for the Holocaust, and I cannot question anything in God’s perfect timing, I think the Basterds were the kind of Jesus following young men I look for! I can do without the existential crises of A Serious Man and Up In the Air. These guys need to get over themselves. Blindside sucked. I liked the message, but the direction was pedestrian while still manipulative and Bullock overacts as if to say, “look at my, give me an Oscar.”

Brian: Once again, the Myth of Redemptive Violence is the overarching theme in Avatar, District 9, The Hurt Locker, Inglourious Basterds and Up. I find this a disturbing trend. While I did appreciate District 9’s desire to understand the world from the side of The Other, especially through the Incarnation, I was disturbed by the Colonialism evident in its use of a white man to redeem the lives of the poor savage aliens who were unable to save themselves. I feel the same about Blindside in which a rich white Christian saves the life of a poor mute black boy. My favorite would be Up In the Air, in which a 50 something man that travels too much experiences a wholly Kierkegaardian crises of faith. I also love the ambiguity.

Ed Young, Jr: Precious was way too depressing and I didn’t understand the girl’s life. I get Blindside. She is our congregation. I know we will use Up for our sermon series. Balloons baby! We are doing Blindside. I am working out a deal to get Sandra Bullock to come speak that day. District 9 is too heady for a sermon, as is Up In the Air. I will use The Hurt Locker if it wins the Oscar, but no one has seen it, so that Sunday would be a waste. What are the other movies? Pretty artsy, right?

David Dark: How long do I have to express my thoughts on each film? I mean, I am not talking about Avatar or Blindside, but I have written a work on the redemptive traits of the canon of Quentin Tarantino and how those correspond to the historical understanding of Eastern European Gypsy religions. Of course, I am most interested in Tarantino recreating himself as a Golem taking vengeance that the Jews were not able to take upon the Third Reich. Listen, I can tell you were looking for controversial statements and pithy headlines. That’s not really what I do.

Rev. Smith: My wife made me go to see Blindside. I liked it. Sandra Bullock makes a pretty blond. I didn’t see anything else besides Up, when my grandkids brought it over. It was cute, but I didn’t like the chicken creature. Was it a girl? Thought it was a boy until the baby came along. I don’t like gender confusion. I did like the talking dog. That Hurt Locker sounds kinda interesting, but I suppose it has bad language. They always ruin the war films with bad language.

CTT: Any last thoughts?

Mark: If The Hurt Locker wins, it will make the job of every pastor in America even more difficult. Women will assume they can make movies also. I am just kidding. The director isn’t married, so she can do what she wants. Plus, she made Point Break. She is an honorary guy.

Brian: I would encourage everyone to look at the systemic issues at play in each of this year’s movies and think about how each of us can be a cure to these cancers afflicting our beautiful world. In each film, the conflict arises due to one of the 4 global crises. If we can create a new kind of Christianity that actually addresses these factors, then there will only be movies made from our imaginations, not based upon true stories of oppression, inequity, environmental degradation or fear. It is my prayer that films like Precious, District 9, The Hurt Locker, An Eduation, Avatar and Blindside become historical artifacts of a bygone society in which the factors that create these narratives are banished to history and a new Na’vi-like world is created in its place.

Ed Young, Jr: If you are interested in a sermon series based upon this year’s Oscar nominees and winners, please see my website, www.creativepastors.com. I will have sermon outlines, wardrobe ideas, film clips and stage designs for purchase. Our team has also created a special blue paint which does not stain, so you can use it for your Avatar sermon.

David Dark: I would appreciate this being an actual discussion of film next time, and not just an exercise is sound bite collection.

Rev. Smith: Nope.

*actual quote

yes, it is a joke. why would you even ask?

Mark Driscoll's 10 Most Holy Films

The Top 10 Holiest Films, according to Mark Driscoll

10. Mad Max Trilogy- really anything by the Godly role model Mel Gibson. This film is obviously an allegory for the Gospel, with Max’s family as the church led to slaughter by false teachers. Max takes the vengeance of the Lord into his own hands, dispensing justice as a follower of God should.

9. 40 year Old Virgin- The trifecta: Good Sexual Ethics, Bad language and Homophobic jokes.

8. Talladega Nights- Say what you will, they get Jesus spot on!

7. Brave Heart- Jesus wants men like this on his side. However, it is lower on the Holy list because it is so overused by even sissified Christian men.

6. Die Hard- a Godly man, protecting his unrepentant wife/ Jezebel as she leaves her proper place to upset God’s order. As we see from this film, there are consequences when men are not the Head of the Household. An obvious metaphor for the book of Hosea.

5. Book of Eli- This film shows how we need to defend the Holy Bible from its detractors. Where can I get a machete like that to take down the enemies of the Lord? Plus, even I haven’t memorized the ENTIRE Bible.

4. Pulp Fiction- I would have added Kill Bill, which I love but struggle since it is clearly an allegory for Buddhism with a female protag (don’t these women understand their proper place). However, it does kick some serious tail. That said, Pulp Fiction is a call to leave the unrighteous life behind and take up our cross and follow Christ, as Jules chooses. Vincent suffers the consequences of saying No to repentance. It is so clear.

3. The Matrix- Sure some have told us that it is really about Buddhism, but Buddhism is about non-violence and wimpishness. Neo is not such a character in this film (the directors change him in the 2^nd and 3^rd films due to politically correct standards). He is a butt-kicking Christ figure choosing to die for the sins of others and resurrection to return ala Christ in The Book of Revelation. Plus, my friend Chris wrote a book about it.

2. There Will Be Blood- A real man builds a kingdom from his bare hands and will not let Charlatans or false teachers destroy it, even if he has to drink the milkshake of the false teacher (you figure out what that represents). The false teacher/ preacher representing Emergent theology and Pentecostalism is properly dispatched during the film’s climax. I find that a well placed bowling pin would stop manyof today’s false prophets.

1. Fight Club- Could there by another? This is what the Manly Christian life is about, a struggle with our dark sides in which we beat our sinful nature to a pulp… and anyone else that gets in our way!

"I would add Gladiator/ 300- but the theology is obviously polytheistic and the views of the afterlife disallow inclusion because some may see them as recruiting films for ancient Greek and Roman religions. However, we must remember that these films are set in pre-Christian Greece in the case of 300 and in a land in which Christianity was not yet taken hold in the case of Gladiator. Sure, films such as Spartacus, Ben Hur and The Robe deal more explicitly with Christian themes, but sadly, they are not bloody enough. We must remember, even pre-Christian religions took the afterlife seriously and these men act like a good Christian husband/ father should in the face of evil. The practice self-control until the time is right and unleash Holy Hell upon those forces of evil, willing to sacrifice themselves for the nobler cause. These are the opposite of pagan fests like Avatar. But, I cannot add them to the list of Holy films because weaker Christians may see this as justification for non-Christian religions. An obviously Holy work like Passion of the Christ is not here because it needs no analysis.

I also struggle with Titanic because the consequences of premarital sex are dire (but I really hate James Cameron and he offers poor role models for women)."

from the desk/ harddrive of Mark Driscoll.

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again, chill people. This is satire. By the way, if you are over here because you hate Driscoll and think this proves some of your biases correct, it does not. Like all of us, you included, his views of the world can create moments of great insight and goofy pronouncements. He is just a guy with a big bully pulpit, but no better or worse than anyone else. Man, I hate explaining this stuff because people (Christians) just don't get it.

The 10 Most Demonic Films according to Mark Driscoll

Many of us have all read the stories, the sermon, or seen how Mark Driscoll, pastor of the mega-Seattle-church Mars Hill has declared Avatar the most demonic film of all time. Of course, it is evil on numerous fronts. Not only is it a recruitment film for Paganism that shows advancement of culture as an evil. It is also a big budget action film and everyone knows Mark, the hip dude he is, is a fan of Indie flicks… of course the perfect films are Indie Action films with lots of male bonding and blood which sound great on his home theater system, which he tells us about in hisAvatar sermon.

Anyway, we have found Mark’s list of the Ten Most Demonic Films Ever made. Here is the list, borrowed by our investigative journalist/ hacker:

1. Avatar- Blue Pagans that don’t believe in sin defeating the forces of progress and manliness. I might as well add its precursors Pocahontas, Dances With Wolves and Ferngully which had the same sickening message.
2. The Matrix Reloaded/ Revolutions- not only did they suck in comparison to the first, but these Buddhist love fests also support the ending of wars between good and evil with negotiated peace settlements. That flies in the face of Revelations and the lake of fire (and manly filmmaking).
3. Thelma and Louise- Although they get what they deserve in the end for upsetting the proper Godly order of things, they do so on their terms and not punished by God alone for their sins of not obeying their husbands. Feminism is dangerous.
4. The Mission- a sickening example of the Liberal Social Gospel of pacifism. People like Brian McLaren must have used it as a template for their feminization and wimpification of “Christianity.”
5. The Village- Another strong willed woman leaving behind the proper boundaries set up by her loving, Godly parents. She is not punished, but instead brings down the natural order
6. It’s a Wonderful Life/ Heaven Can Wait/ The Preacher’s Wife- Angel Idolatry at its most evil. The early church stoned people for this kind of thing. Now we praise it. Sickening.
7. Brokeback Mountain- Disgusting attempt to take a symbol of manliness and turn it into a recruitment film for homosexual behavior. These are weak men in need of redemption, not Oscar worthy.
8. Dogma- I loved the language and the violence, but they lost me with a black disciple and headed towards heresy with a Canadian chick playing a God that could die. I hope Kevin Smith chokes on a chicken wing.
9. Star Wars- before the sickening paganism of Avatar, we had the anti-Christian combination of Buddhism, moral ambiguity and witchcraft in Star Wars. It would be higher on the list if the protagonists were not human.
10. Say Anything- What started as a great manly tale, especially in light of the lead character’s kickboxing training ended as a feminist dream in which the male’s will is subjugated by the woman’s.

Mark list did not include kid flicks, but there was a rant against children’s films, “Of course, this list is devoid of children’s movies which can be the most insidiously evil because they hide their demonic agendas behind toys and talking animals. Needless to say All Dogs Go to Heaven (with its inclusive gospel) is the vilest, followed byRatatouille, Wall-E, any Disney film with a female in charge and Lion King.”

His list of Demonic films did not include these obvious choices. He felt he should not include them because they are based upon books. So the Demonism was there before they were turned into films. These choices are obvious: Golden Compass, the Harry Potter films, the Twilight series,The Da Vinci Code and Jurassic Park (if the dinosaurs had eaten Jeff Goldblum’s postmodern atheist scientist, the films would be redeemed).

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its satire- chill Mark disciples

Artist Faces Heresy Charges After Church Rejects Depiction of Crucifixion

Artist Faces Heresy Charges After Church Rejects Depiction of Crucifixion

circa, 1563

ZURICH, CH- Facing charges for heresy is not what artist Martin Gessner expected when he submitted his painting entitled Jesus on the Cross for his church’s annual Easter Art exhibit. However, that is his latest concern, after his work was rejected by the elders of Lindenhof Church and anonymous postings calling for his excommunication were left nailed to the church door.

Asked to submit an artistic rendition of Jesus’ suffering by elders of his church, John chose the classic expression of Jesus’ death, the crucifixion, as his presentation. His multi-media oil, standing 6 feet high, depicts a bloody Jesus hanging on the cross with a crown of thorns and blood red slashes across the body symbolizing the whippings Jesus received. There are also nails through the hands and feet, along with an expression of pain on the face of the dying man.

This was deemed by church officials as inappropriate for the church’s gallery, because there was a possibility of children viewing the image. They felt this could disturb the delicate sensibilities of children to see their hero, Jesus, hanging dead on a tree. If they were to see him in such a desparate state, they may choose to follow someone stronger. A church spokesman said, “We feel that Mr. Gessner has created a beautiful expression of art that would fit well into a Catholic church or museum, but is not appropriate for children or Protestants, for whom the death of Christ is paramount, but the cross must be empty and bloodless.”

This is not the first time an artist has had a piece rejected by the elders of a local church. Many remember the incident in 345 in which an unnamed young Roman Christian artist depicted Jesus being beaten by Roman guards on his way to the cross. Church leaders felt that young children would get the wrong impression of the Roman guards. Constantine had made Christianity the official religion of the Roman world and it was deemed unacceptable to depict Roman guards in such a light.

The artist was encouraged to resubmit the piece with generic guards beating Jesus or better yet, Jesus generically hurt, not actually bloody, making sure that young Christian children understood that Roman guards were role models, not to be feared for doing their jobs. It was understood that many young Christian children may grow up to be Roman guards and such a depiction could damage their delicate sensibilities and cause them to become Pacifists fearing the armed guardians of the Empire.

After his refusal, this young artist was last seen in the company of Roman guards and an elderly lion.

Lindenhof Church elder, Christof Meyer, reminded this scribe that, “We no longer kill artists for representing Jesus in a way we judge unacceptable, unless it is deemed heresy. However, this is not my definition of heresy. It is merely a bit too Catholic for my tastes and more bloody than children can handle. Of course, some church leaders may feel differently considering our present conflict with the Mary worshipping Papists.”

Mr. Gessner has been encouraged to resubmit an empty cross, keeping in line with present Protestant visions for the cross. Lindenhof elders also plan to submit a proposal to Protestant councils to ban the use of the crucifix in Protestant churches and discontinue the extra-Biblical, thoroughly depressing Stations of the Cross. It is expected to pass.

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I hate explaining my satire or defending it, but there is a need this time around. The church we helped plant in Texas had asked a 10 yr old boy to submit a piece surrounding the Stations of the Cross. It was deemed that this piece was unacceptable for the context, which is well within the church's rights. However, it still struck me as ironic. Follow the story here and see the art with artist statement here.

We know the people involved, including the pastor and the church elders listed, as well as the young artist and his father. This is not an attempt to take sides, but to shine a different light on the situation.

Ed Young Jr. Offers Private Plane and Makeover to Shane Claiborne

Ed Young Jr. Offers Private Plane and Makeover to Shane Claiborne

GRAPEVINE, TX- In an apparent attempt to forestall criticism directed towards his lavish lifestyle, Ed Young, Jr., pastor of The Fellowship Church with video and live action campuses throughout the Dallas Metroplex and in Miami, FL has offered use of his private jet to Shane Claiborne of Philadelphia’s Simple Way.

Speaking to reporters outside his mansion, Young said, “While some may not believe it, I think the message of following Christ simply and a simple living lifestyle is correct theologically. I mean, I usually don’t discuss theology because it can be controversial, but Shane’s message is powerful and it needs to be shared. It is how our family follows Christ. In fact, I had my housekeeper install Energy Star light bulbs throughout the house (and that is a lot of bulbs). That said, I have a plan to get his message to others.”

Young’s plan, which was hatched by Young’s personal business, Creative Pastor, will be available for purchase in the next week. The plan includes personal use for Shane Claiborne and his associates to use the Dessault Falcon 50 Private Jet given to Young and Fellowship Church by an area business man. While the plane has been the source of controversy during the past few weeks, after its discovery by a Dallas reporter, Young wants it to be used for more than his required trips to Mexico, Miami and the Bahamas for church planting and spiritual formation retreats. Continuing, Young declared, “What better way to get Shane’s message to the masses that to allow him to fly around the country to share his message. By using my plane, he will be able to get back to the poor of Philadelphia much quicker than flying commercial.”

Other pieces of Young’s SIMPLY LIVING SIMPLY strategy, available for purchase next week on www.creativepastors.com include, 1) a makeover for Claiborne because Young feels “more people at places like Fellowship of Grapevine would listen more intently to Shane’s message if he cleaned himself up and dressed nicer. I have many shirts in my wardrobe I will be offering to his ministry. We are both tall and he will like them. I will have my personal assistant and beautician contact Shane this week”, 2) an emphasis on hiring 1 homeless person in each business represented by a member of Young’s church, 3) an initiative by Fellowship Church to plant video venues in Shane’s neighborhood in Philadelphia plus video venues in other areas where homeless people congregate. Says Young, “I think the creative message of our videos would inspire homeless men and women to take life by the reigns and accomplish something great for God. I think the way I lay out a sermon simply with no theology or depth will appeal to the needs of that community,” and lastly 4) a sermon series complete with church motifs for sale on Young’s website which includes a wonderful backdrop that will allow any church stage to look like the area under an overpass. Metal drums are not included.

Young finished his press conference by sharing, “I am very excited about this endeavor and cannot wait to present this to Shane. We are trying to work out a time to bring Shane to Dallas, on my private plane. As of now, Shane has not been reached due to extenuating circumstances. I may sweeten the deal by setting up a spot in our game room for homeless simulation, but I need to confirm that with my wife. She wants us to build a place in the country for that.”

Reached for comment, Shane Claiborne said Mr. Young is welcome to come hang out in Philadelphia for a weekend, as long as he flies commercial.

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update: apparently I rode the line between fact and fiction too closely on this post. This is satire based upon some things involving reporting of a "lavish" lifestyle of Ed Young Jr. by a news outlet. This included a private jet, mansion and large salary. I do think this is how Shane would react to it.