An Obituary for the Emerging Church

The Emerging Church, A Controversial movement inspiring many the past 10 years, Dies at 21

MINNEAPOLIS — The Emerging Church, the controversial Christian movement that inspired many to plant churches, leave behind their faith and question authority, died in her sleep Thursday following a short illness. She was 21 (according to some sources).

The cause was cardiac arrest, according to spokesperson Steve Knight. According to police, foul play and suicide have not been ruled out at this time. According to person of interest, Andrew Jones, she was ready to die and beyond any life-saving treatment.

Mrs. Church was the “reason for the failure of many church institutions and the paved the road to Hell with good intentions”, according to critic Ken Silva. While she has many enemies in established and institutional churches, many of whom were distant relatives, according to supporters, Mrs. Church was instrumental in the advent of many advances in the Christian church, including facial hair, tattoos, fair trade coffee, candles, couches in sanctuaries, distortion pedals, Rated R movie discussions, clove cigarettes and cigars, beer and use of Macs, as well as the advancement of women’s issues, conversations about sexuality, environmentalism, anti-foundationalism, social justice and the demise of the Republican party's stranglehold on young Christians.

However, according to Post-Emergent spokesperson Rick Bennett, these advancements never included taste in film and music, with Mrs. Church always thinking Coldplay, and anything that sounded like it was 70’s soft rock was edgy, “I think she was drawn to anything with nebulous spirituality that sounded kinda like the worship music she grew up on, plus she was enamored with overblown pabulum like LOST, Heroes and 24 or pseudo-philosophy like the Matrix. Give me a break, she couldn’t tell Truffaut from Fellini.”

Controversies on Gay Marriage and the ordination of Homosexuals caused many stresses in her life, leading to a downturn in her health.

Mrs. Church, who began her career as at a gathering of young white, mostly American and predominately male church leaders in New Mexico in 1998, had been recently spending time in Africa with friend Brian McLaren, attempting to apologize for Colonialism. She was also attempting to gather women and people of color in an attempt to reconcile her past to her vision for the future of the church.

She is survived by her parents, the Seeker Church, and Sojourners; her paternal grandmother, the former Deconstructionism, now Postmodernity; her maternal grandmother, French Nihilism and her paternal great-grandparents, the Social Gospel and Fundamentalism. Her paternal grandfather, the Jesus Movement died months before her birth. Her paternal grandmother, Evangelicalism died in 2009. She is also survived by sister House Church movement and brother New Monastacism. She is also survived by two sons, Presbymergent and Something-in-Europe People Say is Relevant; and 10 grandchildren (that won’t scare your grandparents), along with ex-husbands Mark Driscoll and the Origins Movement.

Emerging Church was born on January 1, 1989, in New Zealand. Her family moved, when she was a child, to the United States. She traveled much, taking up residence in Dallas, TX, Pasadena, CA, Spencerville, MD and the Minneapolis area. Her father, the child of California’s Jesus Movement lived primarily in the Chicago suburbs, while her mother lived in Washington, DC with boyfriend the Democratic Party. Her parents have since reconciled.

Mrs. Church’s growing frustration with her father’s church and grandparent’s theology started her on a journey that ultimately led to her death. “I will change Christianity if it kills me in the process,” she was famous for saying, long before she spent summers camping with Fundamentalists in the woods, hoping to understand their fascination with propositional statements and rules.

“Personally, I think one of those danged Fundamentalists attacked her and ate her when she wasn’t looking,” says friend Karen Ward of Seattle. “You should look at Andrew Jones and make sure he has no bottles of sleeping pills in his possession,” says Mike Morrell of Atlanta. Josh Brown, Ryan Sharpe and Becky Garrison told me that they thought she was already dead.

Not surprisingly, in today’s celebrity culture, some of her friends and followers have set up vigils protesting the news of her death. Close personal friend, Tony Jones tells anyone still listening; “now I don’t want to get all Tupac, or Elvis on anyone, but she isn’t dead. Her demise is a ploy by her enemies to destroy her credibility and the credibility of those who work on her behalf. She is alive and well, but probably being held hostage by John Piper. I have sources that tell me she was last seen in downtown Minneapolis near Bethlehem Church, in a blizzard I am sure Piper will say was caused by her friends, the Gays. I am sure the body they have is a double found at a local morgue.” As of now, he is the spokesman for what could be a large contingent of possible conspiracy theorists demanding more answers. Some have called this group Emergent Truthers.

Mrs. Church’s influence will be debated for years to come. Details of her death have not yet been released. Funeral arrangements are in the planning stages.