Other Proposed Resolutions for Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) 2010

In an effort to stay relevant in American society, the Southern Baptist Convention has begun a new program called the Great Commission Resurgence to redouble its commitment to evangelism and church growth, giving 110%, instead of the 105% they had been giving during the past decades. As anyone that follows sports knows, 105% is the same as 10% and results in never winning, especially in church growth.

One of the main ways Southern Baptists have stayed relevant in American society is through their use of resolutions at their yearly convention. These resolutions bring debate over contentious and hot button issues to the masses and allow for Baptists to inform the world of how they feel about specific subjects, therefore “taking a stand” and “keeping it real” as they communicate the love and grace of God to a world in need of it (oh, and God’s wrath and judgment also).

During the past 100 years Southern Baptists have made the evening news with classic (I will give a Top 10 list of my favorite REAL resolutions later this week) resolutions like Boycott of Disney in 1996. This year, we have a few new resolutions destined to make future Baptists proud and the world go, huh?

Making sure the world knows where they stand on every issue; here are the Top 10 Resolutions for Discussion at 2010 Southern Baptist Convention in Orlando:

10. As previously mentioned in this blog: Resolution to Boycott “painter” Thomas Kinkade in light of his recent arrest for DUI.

9. As previously mentioned: Resolution to Invite Big 12 schools into the Southern Baptist Convention.

8. Resolution to add heavier menu items to Tea Party Rallies throughout the nation. Says Albert Mohler, “we know the Tea Party movement is largely led by Southern Baptists and their friends. However, we believe the idea of a tea party is fairly childish and effeminate and ask to add Fried Chicken and Macaroni Salad, along with sweet tea to the menu for all rallies. We are considering a proposal to change the name to Sweet Tea Party movement thereby reflecting an important segment of the demographic of this important movement.”

7. Resolution to add to the Baptist Faith in Message, 2000 an addendum explaining that, “while the offices of pastor and deacon are explicitly male, as spelled out clearly in Scripture, a woman may be elected President of the United States and hold that office with support of Southern Baptist voters, if she holds the following criteria: she is Republican, she is evangelical, she is pretty hot for her age, she is not married to a former president.” Current prohibitions for pastors and deacons are still in effect for all other women.

6. Resolution to ask Congress to consider changes to the military policy of “Don’t Ask: Don’t Tell.” While many are hoping for a different change of this policy, Southern Baptists are concerned than overturning it will lead to Baptist Chaplains right to free speech taken from them. They will no longer be able to name this sin if the US Military allows The Gays to serve with impunity. The SBC will resolve to change the policy to “Do Ask: Do Tell: Do Tell Them They Are Going to Hell.”

5. Resolution to ask the Gores to seek family counseling and repair their marriage. Says Mohler, “even as a godless Democrat who cares about the earth way too much, we want to see Al Gore and his wife live their lives together and hope and pray for their reconciliation.”

4. Resolution to encourage Lifeway to consider Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged as central curriculum for Vacation Bible School in 2012.

3. Resolution to dismiss all Mayan and Hollywood claims the world will end in 2012 as bogus examples of New Age philosophy, paganism and postmodern hokum in which all Apocalyptic claims outside the parameters of Biblical literature are given a voice in our highly “spiritual but not religious” society of tolerance for all besides those giving the truth of Revelation. An addendum by Acts 29 Baptist pastors to reprimand John Cusack for his participation in this film, while praising him for all other roles was summarily dismissed by the Executive Committee.

2. Resolution to boycott Sex in the City 2 as not only an immoral film pushing promiscuity, alcoholism, hedonism and a homosexual agenda, but also an awful movie that was not even funny. We will consider a resolution condemning Transformers 3 next year for being even worse.

1. Resolution to commend Glenn Beck for standing up to the left-wing Sojourners organization and Jim Wallis and his insistence that Social Justice is a mark of Christianity. Social and Economic redistribution of resources, while a mark of the early church, are not central tenants of modern American Baptist Christianity and not within our Baptist Faith and Message, 2000. While churches may choose to give money and help to the poor, they are not to advocate politically except on issues of morality, such as abortion, taxation, Federalism, school vouchers, homosexuality, the 2^nd Amendment, Islamic invasions and the heredity of the President.

The resolution to ignore the Emerging Church movement as inconsequential and unworthy of discussion was tabled until 2011.

If you want to see what kind of resolutions Southern Baptists are really considering this week, Big Daddy Weave is actually helpful (as opposed to me, which is not).

Southern Baptists extend invitation to University of Texas and other Big 12 schools

Resolution concerning Expansion of Southern Baptist Convention and the Kingdom of God through the Great Commission Resurgence and Conference Realignment

June 15, 2010

WHEREAS, Historically, Southern Baptists have resisted ecumenism while embracing Christian brotherhood and cooperation with other groups representing Christianity and

WHEREAS, We have witnessed in recent years the portrayal of denominations as barriers to be overcome on the road to unity; and

WHERAS, WE have seen millions of college age Christians leave the faith of their parents behind while studying for future employment and enjoying college sporting events; and

WHEREAS, Southern Baptists must be radically committed to the expansion of the Kingdom of God and the influence of the Southern Baptist Convention by new and innovative means in the face of post-modernity and the increasing hostility to Biblical Christianity, including the Great Commission Resurgence; and

WHEREAS, Southern Baptist influence is strongest in the region of the country under the dominion of the Southeastern Conference (SEC) and Big 12 Conference; and

WHEREAS, interlopers representing Hedonistic interests of the Secular PAC 10 and the Catholic Rust Belt controlled Big 10 have begun to expand their reach into regions under the jurisdiction of the BIG 12 and Southern Baptists, stealing universities from non-SBC strongholds Colorado and Nebraska; and

WHEREAS, True Biblical unity can only be realized in the bond of truth, and never at the expense of Biblical truth; Now, therefore,

BE IT RESOLVED, That the Southern Baptist Convention meeting, June 15-17, 2010, in Orlando, FL, urges the Boards and Agencies of the Southern Baptist Convention to offer membership into the Southern Baptist Convention to the University of Texas, Texas A&M, Oklahoma, Texas Tech, Missouri and Oklahoma State, as well as maintaining the historic position of Southern Baptists as they cooperate with various other groups in appropriate evangelistic enterprises, and on issues of justice, morality, religious liberty, education and FOOTBALL both at home and abroad; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That inclusion of the Baylor University, a Texas Baptist affiliated university, is dependent upon both obedience to the doctrines of the Southern Baptist Message and Faith, 2000 and the improvement of its football program; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That inclusion of the University of Kansas, Kansas State University and Iowa State University into the Southern Baptist Convention’s expansion plans is dependent upon greater success in football, as the expense of “urban” sports such as basketball; And

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the Southern Baptist Convention membership urges the Southeastern Conference (SEC) to consider membership and inclusion of the new SBC related college programs at its next Annual Meeting, and that the previous BIG 12 prayerfully considers the offer from both the Southern Baptist Convention and SEC.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That such efforts not commit Southern Baptists to any organizational or long-term relationship which would risk possible compromise of historic distinctive or the unique witness of Southern Baptists to the world and football related activities; and

FINALLY, BE IT RESOLVED, That we encourage Southern Baptists to maintain their commitment to the SouthEastern Conference (SEC) by giving priority in time, talent and resources to the work of this football and Christianity influenced region.

realignment fever is not just for colleges. It is for churches, too.

Orlando- The past few weeks have seen a flurry of activity among NCAA universities as the Big 10 began the present flurry of activity of mascot trading among athletic conferences. Power conferences such as the Big 10 and Pac-10 attempt to expand their horizons into new territories in a Jabez-esque fashion while the Big 12 fails to keep the hordes of marauding orcs of the Sauron-like commissioners of those conferences outside their gates. In its typically copycat fashion, the Christian church has chosen to respond in similar fashion.

At a recent meeting of the leaders of the Gospel Coalition and Southern Baptist Convention in advance of the SBC meeting in Orlando, FL, possible expansion was discussed. It is believed that the Gospel Coalition, consisting of SBC pastors, as well as those of other conservative denominations and mega-church pastors like Josh Harris and Mark Driscoll, is willing to allow itself to move to this powerful conference. However, negotiations hit snags on 2 main issues, Infant Baptism and alcohol.

The SBC has offered membership to all Gospel Coalition represented churches, even those that practice Infant Baptism. However, each of these churches must show willingness to change its view on alcohol consumption. Convention spokesman, Lewis Granger told reporters, “We are willing to take the bold step of offering membership to practitioners of infant baptism for the sake of expanding our membership base and creating new revenue sources coming from an increased number of churches. However, we will not release our convictions that alcohol consumption, while not specifically banned in the Bible, is wrong. No increase in numbers of young people will change that. Plus, as we know, they can still drink. They just keep it on the down low.”

Gospel Coalition members from Presbyterian churches, as well as Mars Hill Church in Seattle have released a statement that they will not join the new expanded SBC. Instead they will create a mega-conference with the American Anglican Church, Presbyterian Church in America, the Origins network and conservative branches of mainline denominations in which alcohol consumption is not forbidden. Invitations are to be extended next week.

Seeing these realignments as a threat to their existence, the Emerging Church networks have chosen to formalize membership and admit to its Liberal leanings by creating a new conference (“we are not a denomination,” explains spokesman Steve Knight). The groundwork has been laid in the past, but invitations will be given to major US denominations, including the Presbyterian Church(USA), United Methodist Church, United Church of Christ and non-Southern Baptist baptist groups. Hopes are growing amongst the leaders of these groups.

Says Knight, “We expect to compete in the future with the mega-SBC and Gospel/ Beer Coalition for book deals, events as well as people. As you may know, our openness on pretty much every subject, besides social justice, ecumenism and economic redistribution make us attractive to anyone left of center on anything. We have asked most African American denominations to join, but our lack of relevance to their daily lives leads them to consider staying put. We will keep asking, and keep growing.” When asked if invitations will be extended to Sojourners, leaders of the new Emerged Church Conference were coy, due to recent incidents related to diversity.

Christianity Today’s Andy Crouch believes this is just the beginning of a complete overhaul of the denominational structure of the United States. “Don’t be surprised to see some of the groups consider aligning with those groups they were historically predisposed to hate, like the SBC and Catholics or Mormons. I expect groups like the Emerged Church to join forces with Reformed Judaism and Buddhism. However, their overtures to Islam will be rebuffed. Islam does not need them as it expands on its own.”

Free agents like Rob Bell, Donald Miller and Tim Keller are yet to announce their future plans, leading to speculation they will begin their own conference.

thoughts on church music, part 1: Why Worship Music is Like Disco

While many may not ask themselves why much of what is considered modern Worship Music in church is so horrible, others, like me, obsess over that question. I hope to look closely at this during the next few days... but you know my schedule. Plus, I have Earth Day to satirize, along with fleshing out my perfect Christian conferences.

So, part 1 of why I don't like modern worship music (and why I think I am finally headed to a liturgical tradition, even if I like guitars in church) is that it reminds me of disco coupled with a tear jerker move.

Of course, the obvious manipulative aspects cannot be overstated. There is a level of coercion manifested in the repeating of phrases like a Krishna mantra, along with the music which bears much in resemblance to musical scores from overly dramatic movies (tear jerkers) and Romantic era classical music.

Too often, we find ourselves emotionally manipulated while worshipping God based upon the emotive vocals, never ending crescendo and dramatic musical swells more than the theological underpinnings of the lyrics. In fact, on Easter Sunday I found this happening during a musical video called Awake. The song was written, as one featured on Grey’s Anatomy or Scrubs, to force an emotional response. This puppet mastery of the writers/ leaders on the audience has angered me since church camp where someone tried to force the Holy Spirit and tongue speaking on me and the film Dead Poet’s Society in which the director forced me to be angry at the dad upon the suicide of his son, instead of seeing the son and Robin Williams’ Captain as responsible.

While I ramble on, this brilliant quote sums up the reason why the Chris Tomlins of the world and the Charlie Halls and the Matt Redmonds (and whoever is popular today) instill so much musical hostility in me (it is about a page and half long in the book), Spin magazine writer, Andrew Beaujon, in his brilliant book Body Piercing Saved My Life: Inside the Phenomenon of Christian Rock says this:

Quentin Crisp once said, “A lifetime of listening to disco music is a high price to pay for one’s sexual preference.” I’m not saved and don’t think I ever will be, but if such a miracle were to take place, I can’t imagine anything worse than being forced to pay for my salvation by listening to worship music for the rest of my days.

Worship music is the logical conclusion of Christian adult contemporary music-not just unappealing but unbearable to anyone not already in the fold. Every song follows the same parameters. It opens gently, with tinkling arpeggios or synthesized harp glissandos that portend the imminence of something celestial in glacial 4/4 time. In the second verse, the band-invariably excellent players-soft-pedals in, gaining in volume to the bridge. And then the chorus, Heavens, the choruses. They could put U2 out of business for good, they’re so huge. Another verse. A middle eight. Then, a breakdown when the audience takes over singing. Another massive chorus. Fin.

This isn’t music to appreciate; it’s music to experience. People at a worship service close their eyes and, as ecstasy spreads across their faces, begin to rock rhythmically, arms out, mouthing the lyrics. It’s more than a little sexual and a tad uncomfortable if you’re setting next to an attractive person who’s been overcome by the Spirit.

Worship tunes tend to evince an adolescent theology, one that just can’t get over how darn cool it is that Jesus sacrificed himself for the world. Moreover, it’s self-centered in a way that reflects evangelicalism’s near-obsession with having a personal relationship with Christ. It’s ME Jesus died for. I just gotta praise the Lord.

The Jesus of worship music is a mentor, a buddy, a friend whose message is easily distilled to a simple command: praise me. Not “feed the poor, clothe the naked, visit the prisoner.” Simply thank Him for His gift to YOU (and make sure to display copyright information at the bottom of the screen so royalties can be disbursed.)

All of which I could bear, or at least imagine defending, if all the songs didn’t sound the same.”*

The writer then goes on to write his own worship song, just to show how easy it is to do it. In fact, most worship songs sung in church seem to have the same infinitesimally small vocabulary of less than 25 main words (praise, love, I, You, are, worship, alone, worthy, etc.). Its as if Apple has created an App called “Worship Creator” so anyone can punch in a random selection of words and out pops a new worship hit for your church.

Don’t get me wrong, some people are writing good modern day hymns. However, most of those songs are not sung in church, and the ones that are don't get a lot of play outside singular communities. I will talk about the good ones pretty soon, many of which were written by drunks and those struggling with faith, but a few were written by CCM stalwarts like The Choir, Smalltown Poets, Rich Mullins and Adam Again.

*I loved this book and quote when it came out in 2006 and it always reenters my mind while standing in church. My friend Dustin quoted it a while back on his blog, which I appreciate since I didn't have to type out the quote.

2 Perfect Christian Conferences

Taking cues from other conference directors and creators, I am going into the business of creating and managing events. It should work well for me. I have put together multiple events during my life and used to be a concert promoter. In fact, I am partnering with a friend in Tampa Bay to put on next week’s Sustainable Faith conference in St. Pete featuring Shane Claiborne, Doug Pagitt and Danielle Shroyer. It should be a great event.

As I try to create my own brand of conferences I have decided to move towards absolute perfection. Too many of these conferences are trying for absolute diversity but failing miserably. Last year, friends put on such a conference in which all the speakers were women. This year, the main conference happening in a few weeks is diverse, but still over populated by men with beards (I called it the Beards of Theology event). I just received an email concerning an event in Atlanta this fall that attempts diversity. The main speakers are an African American woman, a Native American man and a white guy. This is good, but don’t women hold a higher percentage in the USA? Not, 100% like that conference I mentioned, but something like 51%-49% (I am not actually looking it up).

So, here are 2 conference ideas. The first is for progressive, emerging, Social Justice Christians. It takes a lot of work and will get me very little money since they demand everything be free or discounted (each wants an insider deal and is a poor Democrat). To make up for it, I will put on the perfect Reformed Evangelical Christian conference. I can charge a lot of money (the advantage of high salaries, big church budgets and Republicanism) with very little work.

IDEA #1

CATYLATE or CATYL8

Cost: $9.99

Location: still looking at UCC churches and seminaries in mid-major cities

21 speakers

11 female/ 10 male

8 White

4 African American

4 Latino (representing Mexican, Caribbean, Central and South American ethnicities)

3 Asian (representing Korean and Chinese, along w/ another)

1 multi-ethnic (hopefully Jewish or Arab in there- preferable both)

1 Native American

5 will be Gay or Lesbian

10 former Evangelicals (at least 2 former Baptists, 2 former Charismatics, 3 former fundies from Liberty or a Bible college)

5 mainliners

2 Catholics

4 other faith traditions

Presently, as I try to determine speakers, I realize that I need some people to play multiple parts with the coupe de grace being someone representative of 3 groupings. This is harder than trying to make the seedings for the NCAA tournament.

Music will be led by a good natured bearded folk singer with “edgy” lyrics about doubt and never-ending crescendos… and his girlfriend.

Each talk will be 18 minutes because TED is 20 and we want to be even better than TED. Topics include How to Be Liked by Everyone that is not a Closed Minded Fundamentalist,

What churches can learn from the spirituality and community building in dolphin communities, in a pluralistic age, why Christianity is not really superior to other religions, but kinda is, Post-Colonialism is not just a catchphrase, it actually means something,

Social Media: a Force for Good or a force for Great, Open Source Theology Using a Closed Source Technology, Life After Jesus and Why Everything we Ever Learned in Church is Wrong and the TV show LOST is Right, along with a discussion of Why Shane Claiborne, Rob Bell and anyone too successful aren’t really in our camp.

Since I will undoubtedly lose money on this, unless I can get everyone to come for free and get some suckers to sponsor it,J I still need to make some bank. For that, here is the perfect Conservative, Reformed Conference.

Conference #2

Our Gospel is Bigger than Yours

Cost $599.99

Location: Nashville with telecasts in Louisville, Dallas, Seattle, LA and Orlando

Speakers are 10 White Men, 5 of which wear suits and 5 of which cuss and wear Ed Hardy shirts.

Music will be led by a good natured bearded folk singer with “edgy” lyrics about sovereignty and reworkings of really old hymns of proper theological content all with never ending crescendos … and his pregnant wife.

Each sermon will be 45-50 minutes long, unless more time is desired. Topics will include The Primacy of Sovereignty in Theology, The Primacy of the Word Primacy in Preaching, The Primacy of Men in Relationships, The Primacy of Church Discipline, The Primacy of the Pastor’s will being done as an indication of His role as God’s Appointed, The Primacy of the Heresy of Emerging Christianity, A Discussion of the Heresy of Brian McLaren by the 10 speaker in which no one is allowed to dissent from the norm, Why Our Bible is better than yours, Why the Atonement is Not a Rose, but is a Tulip and Why We believe in Depravity of Man and the Sovereignty of God but Are Still Right about Everything.

At Conference #2 these words will be banned from use unless used disparagingly or in a mocking tone: contextual, justice, equality, emerge (and variations), process, doubt, pluralism, LOST (the TV show), conversation/ dialogue/ discussion and Brian McLaren.

At conference #2, these words must be used by all speakers. If unused contract is rendered null and void: Primacy (at least 4X per talk), sovereign, penal substitution, discipline, Gospel (as defined by us/ and as a hammer), orthodox, lost (people), sin, preaching, elder.

At conference #1 all these word usages will be reversed.

Amen to the Critiques of the Whiteness of the Emerging Church

In its most recent edition, Sojourners published an article asking if the Emerging Church is too white by an Asian-American theologian. This is a good question, as is any such question.

In fact, the answer is yes. It is too white. It is too male. It is too American. It is too Protestant. It is too filled with professional clergy and those that wish they were professional clergy. It is too upper-middle class and too educated. It is filled with too many Mac users... and too many Democrats. It is also filled with too many intellectuals, too many Midwesterners and Californians and too many fans of LOST and folk music (and if you ask its critics, not enough Christians).

If it does not have a cross section which looks exactly like an approximation of the make-up of the world or at least America, it is too something. ALWAYS. Even if an entity is struggling with the fact that it is too white, too male, too intellectual, too rich or too right handed, we must be vigilant to criticize it based upon our singular experience. In a post-modern world facts are not to be trusted. If Colbert has taught me anything, it is this.

It does not matter if something is trying to change, we should demand the change even as it is changing (instead of demanding it before the change begins). That way, when change does happen, as it already is, we get to say it is because we made a stink about it.

We must work hard to critique young changing organizations and movements like the emerging church while ignoring the leadership of our nation, the Supreme Court of the United States, the Executive branch, the leadership of both political parties, the clergy and leadership of the United Methodist, Episcopal, Southern Baptist, Cooperative Baptist, Presbyterian (USA), American version of Roman Catholic, and Lutheran churches, the leadership of Christianity Today, Willow Creek, Purpose Driven, Relevant and Sojourners itself. We should ignore every parachurch organization also. We need to focus on the ones that are easy to critique and wanting to change. It is the right thing to do.

As we focus our energies on the entities that are trying to become more diverse, solely because they want to reflect the world at hand and listen to voices beyond those with the same life experience, not because of some political correctness (even if there is more than I like), we can ignore those that have not opened themselves up to change, those with hidden agendas that may never change because the pressure is put on the easy one.

When I was in a fraternity in college, a couple of black guys wanted to join. Now, we were not KA, a notoriously white-only fraternity. Heck, we had guys from many different ethnic backgrounds, Latino, Greek, Asian, Italian, Arab and Indian. But, in our eyes all of these were white. In fact, growing up as I did, there were 2 races, black (anyone with really dark skin) and white (anyone with relatively light skin). It did not matter what ethnicity you really were, you just fell into one of those camps. That said, I remember trying to get my fraternity to open themselves us to brothers that were not white... or some variation. As usual, I was branded the trouble making liberal Jesus freak (things were not different in my fraternity or my church).

It was almost impossible to get these exceptional young men in, with every dishonest excuse imaginable, some of which would make you laugh if they were not so cringe worthy. Within a year our fraternity relented (when a black freshman showed up for rush week who was so superior in quality to any of the rest of us that only the most ardent racists complained).

When we focus our energies on demanding diversity of those entities that long for diversity, we may miss those entities that hide their disdain for diversity from the rest of the world... like my fraternity and those leading some of our businesses, churches and social groups (and even they change sometimes).

by the way, I think th emerging church is too insular, but its whiteness is not the issue. in fact, had these critiques happened 3-4 years ago, they would hold resonance, but now they are one of the few critiques of the emerging church that lack relevance.

12 marks of new monasticism, according to your dad

Somewhere along the line, you may have come into contact with the 12 Marks of New Monasticism, a branch of the Emerging Church I have had tangential connection to during my journey. These 12 Marks, compiled by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove paint a very appealing picture of Christianity to many of us (myself included). However, to many of our parents, pastors and church leaders from another generation or worldview, they may seem a bit strange.

When asked to write a piece of satire for a magazine frequented by New Monastics, I came up with an early draft of the 12 marks, which was intended to poke a little fun at the earnestness of the group, while maintaining an understanding of who they are. It was not the right piece for the publication, so I have decided to resurrect it here, primarily because I like it. I have changed it from an early draft, so as to not unintentionally insult the originator. Instead we are going with this…

When a New Monastic says this (one of the 12 Marks), his/her dad or pastor hears this (something entirely different). This could be why New Monasticism and other emerging church ideas sound freakish to some older Christians.

The 12 Marks of New Monasticism, interpreted by your Dad.

1. You say “Relocation to the abandoned places of Empire.” Your dad hears “buy cheap houses in the ghetto and gentrify, but complain when other white people move in, thereby increasing your street-cred.”
2. You say “Sharing economic resources with fellow community members and the needy among us.” Your dad hears “become a hippy cult like those people in Haight-Ashbury and continue to misinterpret Acts 2:44-45 by taking it literally.”
3. You say “Hospitality to the stranger.” Your dad hears “Hospitality to other strange white people with tattoos oh, and poor people too, just don’t feed them the organic stuff.”
4. You say “Lament for racial divisions within the church and our communities combined with the active pursuit of a just reconciliation.” Your black friends hear “whine and complain with other white people about the lack of black people in your church. Go to black churches and notice how much better the music is. Complain less loudly.”
5. You say “Humble submission to Christ’s body, the church.” Your dad hears “when the pastor says ‘drink the Kool-Aid,’ you ask “can I have grape?’”
6. You say “Intentional formation in the way of Christ and the rule of the community along the lines of the old novitiate.” Your dad hears “act Catholic when it suits you, Protestant at all other times.” While the priest down the street hears “act Catholic, except when it comes to all that Mary, Pope and lifelong celibacy stuff. You know the stuff that makes a Catholic, Catholic.”
7. You say “Nurturing common life among members of intentional community.” Your dad hears “rebel against your upbringing, but with other weird people (don’t drink or smoke alone). Talk about how much more real this is than the way you grew up in Evangelicalism.”
8. You say “Support for celibate singles alongside monogamous married couples and their children.” Your dad or single friend hears “get to know singles that won’t let their girlfriend/ boyfriend sleep over. Ask them to babysit.”
9. You say “Geographical proximity to community members who share a common rule of life.” Your dad hears “find roommates to share expenses so you don’t have to get a real job working for The Man."
10. You say “Care for the plot of God’s earth given to us along with support of our local economies.” Your dad hears “stay away from Starbucks, McDonalds and Wal-Mart frequented by real people and silently judge that those that shop there. Drive a Prius or a bike. I guess you could take the bus.”
11. You say “Peacemaking in the midst of violence and conflict resolution within communities along the lines of Matthew 18.” Your dad hears “don’t pray people in the back, like they did in your parent’s church. Tell people when you got a beef against them.” For once he agrees with you, unless you are really saying “vote for Democratics, if they are sufficiently non-patriotic. Vote Green Party, if you must vote. Just don’t tell anybody.” He just can’t tell which you are saying, but he is concerned your vote will cancel his Republican vote.
12. You say “Commitment to a disciplined contemplative life.” Your dad hears “give up on everything you were taught in Sunday School.” Your older friends that listen to Toad the Wet Sprocket hear “Burn your TV in the yard. Gather round it with your friends.” They smile, unless you really mean it.

I still like it better the other way (as an early draft with what he was really saying crossed out), but decided for once to be gentle (it will not be a trend, I assure you).

Churches Announce Pop Singer Signings for Easter Services

An announcement earlier this week that The Jonas Brothers would be leading worship at Angels Stadium in Anaheim for Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church has touched off a wave of new signings and negotiations during the past 24 hours.

The 1 Day free agent signing, considered a coup by many insiders, was negotiated by Warren himself and The Jonas Brothers’ new agent Scott Boras, agent for MLB’s Alex Rodriquez and Manny Ramirez. Reached for comment, Rick Warren told reporters, “This will be quite the day. While many were trying to sign the Jonas Brothers, we knew the climate of the OC would be a draw, along with our proximity to LA and the connection we have to the Disney community. When you think Saddleback, you think Disney Pop. This is a match made in heaven by Angels and in Anaheim with the Angels. Plus, their parents love my book, The Purpose Driven Life. The Jonas Brothers are a purpose driven band and this is a purpose driven Sunday!”

Once considered a front runner for The Jonas Brothers’ services, the leadership team at Fellowship of Grapevine, is in full crisis mode. “Of course, they were our pick. Who does not want a number 1 of that caliber on the equivalent of opening day? But, we have something up our sleeves. Just wait.” Unnamed sources have confirmed that Rev. Young is negotiating with Lady GaGa, Taylor Swift and Beyonce at this time. His first choice is Beyonce, but only if she brings Jay-Z along.

Miss Swift was the front runner at Saddleback until her unfortunate off key performance at The Grammys. “Even our sound engineers would not know what to do with that, “said Saddleback’s chief sound guy. Also, there was concern that Kanye West would show up and upstage any Taylor Swift performance. Saddleback’s police force deemed Swift a security risk due to Kanye’s likely crashing.

Not wanting to wait for an announcement after the Jonas signing, Willow Creek announced today they are in negotiations with Coldplay front man Chris Martin to perform a solo set at each of their weekend services. Other weekend signings include Ricky Martin at Metropolitan Community Church of Dallas, Miley Cyrus at Joel Osteen’s Houston church and Sufjan Stevens at Mars Hill Grand Rapids since Sigur Ros and Radiohead were unavailable.

American Idol contestants and winners are dispersing nationwide as this article is being written. John Mayer’s pre-Easter stock has dropped due to unfortunate comments on twitter and in magazines. His agent hopes a church with a liberal view on sexuality will call before the weekend.

U2 has chosen to forego performing on Easter Sunday, opting for a quiet East celebration on the French Riviera with a private church service performed by the leadership of the Protestant and Catholic churches of Ireland and performances by Sinead O’Connor and Swell Season. The bands and ministers will be flown in, along with an alter from the Church of the Holy Sepulcher for this eco-friendly service. It is closed to the public.

There is no truth to the rumor that Mars Hill Church of Seattle has asked Nickleback to perform. Mars Hill has chosen to bring Ultimate Fighting Championship celebrities to give testimonials instead.

_____________

Updated: Fading pop star Britney Spears has been announced as the headliner for fading seeker church Without Walls Church in Tampa in what is considered another match made in heaven.

apparently it is not obvious on this post, but the story of The Jonas Brothers playing at Angels Stadium as part of Saddleback's Easter service is real:)

Mark Driscoll's 10 Most Holy Films

The Top 10 Holiest Films, according to Mark Driscoll

10. Mad Max Trilogy- really anything by the Godly role model Mel Gibson. This film is obviously an allegory for the Gospel, with Max’s family as the church led to slaughter by false teachers. Max takes the vengeance of the Lord into his own hands, dispensing justice as a follower of God should.

9. 40 year Old Virgin- The trifecta: Good Sexual Ethics, Bad language and Homophobic jokes.

8. Talladega Nights- Say what you will, they get Jesus spot on!

7. Brave Heart- Jesus wants men like this on his side. However, it is lower on the Holy list because it is so overused by even sissified Christian men.

6. Die Hard- a Godly man, protecting his unrepentant wife/ Jezebel as she leaves her proper place to upset God’s order. As we see from this film, there are consequences when men are not the Head of the Household. An obvious metaphor for the book of Hosea.

5. Book of Eli- This film shows how we need to defend the Holy Bible from its detractors. Where can I get a machete like that to take down the enemies of the Lord? Plus, even I haven’t memorized the ENTIRE Bible.

4. Pulp Fiction- I would have added Kill Bill, which I love but struggle since it is clearly an allegory for Buddhism with a female protag (don’t these women understand their proper place). However, it does kick some serious tail. That said, Pulp Fiction is a call to leave the unrighteous life behind and take up our cross and follow Christ, as Jules chooses. Vincent suffers the consequences of saying No to repentance. It is so clear.

3. The Matrix- Sure some have told us that it is really about Buddhism, but Buddhism is about non-violence and wimpishness. Neo is not such a character in this film (the directors change him in the 2^nd and 3^rd films due to politically correct standards). He is a butt-kicking Christ figure choosing to die for the sins of others and resurrection to return ala Christ in The Book of Revelation. Plus, my friend Chris wrote a book about it.

2. There Will Be Blood- A real man builds a kingdom from his bare hands and will not let Charlatans or false teachers destroy it, even if he has to drink the milkshake of the false teacher (you figure out what that represents). The false teacher/ preacher representing Emergent theology and Pentecostalism is properly dispatched during the film’s climax. I find that a well placed bowling pin would stop manyof today’s false prophets.

1. Fight Club- Could there by another? This is what the Manly Christian life is about, a struggle with our dark sides in which we beat our sinful nature to a pulp… and anyone else that gets in our way!

"I would add Gladiator/ 300- but the theology is obviously polytheistic and the views of the afterlife disallow inclusion because some may see them as recruiting films for ancient Greek and Roman religions. However, we must remember that these films are set in pre-Christian Greece in the case of 300 and in a land in which Christianity was not yet taken hold in the case of Gladiator. Sure, films such as Spartacus, Ben Hur and The Robe deal more explicitly with Christian themes, but sadly, they are not bloody enough. We must remember, even pre-Christian religions took the afterlife seriously and these men act like a good Christian husband/ father should in the face of evil. The practice self-control until the time is right and unleash Holy Hell upon those forces of evil, willing to sacrifice themselves for the nobler cause. These are the opposite of pagan fests like Avatar. But, I cannot add them to the list of Holy films because weaker Christians may see this as justification for non-Christian religions. An obviously Holy work like Passion of the Christ is not here because it needs no analysis.

I also struggle with Titanic because the consequences of premarital sex are dire (but I really hate James Cameron and he offers poor role models for women)."

from the desk/ harddrive of Mark Driscoll.

____________________________

again, chill people. This is satire. By the way, if you are over here because you hate Driscoll and think this proves some of your biases correct, it does not. Like all of us, you included, his views of the world can create moments of great insight and goofy pronouncements. He is just a guy with a big bully pulpit, but no better or worse than anyone else. Man, I hate explaining this stuff because people (Christians) just don't get it.

Today’s gay Atlanta Residents Caused Atlanta to be destroyed by God (through Sherman) in 1964

Upon hearing news that Advocate magazine has named Atlanta the gayest city in America, Pat Robertson released a statement declaring a retroactive curse upon the city. While this is his first such announcement, Robertson assures his viewers that such curses are regular weapons in God’s arsenal.

“Atlanta has been cursed for being the gayest city in America. In fact, God preemptively cursed the city by sending General William T Sherman to the city in 1864 to burn it to the ground,” said Robertson earlier today. He continued, “God, in his foreknowledge understood that Atlanta would one day embrace an unrepentant gay lifestyle, so he judged it, cursed it and destroyed it almost 150 years before the city would understand the curse. America's God has the option to act unilaterally and preemptively when needed. Today we understand why.”

When asked for comment on other cities God destroyed,especially during Sherman's campaign of destruction, Robertson said he would have to get his research team, comprised of grad students from Regent University, to dig through documents to figure out what God was cursing them for. ABC’s Rock Chinley asked about slavery to which Robertson responded, “that was not the reason for God’s curse. Sure it was the stated reason for Northern aggressors, but the southern states did not understand the issue as we do today. It is much different and God only curses homosexuality, liberalism, Devil Worship and the ACLU."

thanks to my friend Krystal for inspiring the idea for this post

In an attempt to Sway Christian Voters, Obama moves State of the Union away from LOST premiere

After his fiascos surrounding the preemption of the Charlie Brown Christmas special, in which it was brought to light by a Tennessee mayor that President Obama, as a closet Muslim, was intentionally trying to destroy the Christian message, Obama’s spokesman, Robert Gibbs announced today that Obama will not preempt the season debut of LOST for his already scheduled State of The Union address on February 2. Instead, the State of the Union address will be on January 27, according to the White House.

According to Gibbs, “Obama understands the importance of LOST to Christians throughout the United States and after the unfortunate mistake surrounding the Charlie Brown Christmas special, Obama has heeded the advice of his Christian friends, supporters and counselors by changing his address date. It has been difficult to keep up with the scheduling of LOST, since they seem to work hard to make people confused about when it will be on. However, after speaking to head of nighttime programming at ABC, we have chosen to give America what it wants.”

“Why LOST and not another program on another network? is an obvious question," continues Gibbs. “Because the president was given a book entitled The Gospel According to LOST by Christian preacher Chris Seay last week. It is now the president’s understanding that LOST is an obvious presentation of the Christian message. While President Obama values all religious expressions equally, he does not want to offend his Christian friends once more.”

Reverend Brian McLaren, a regular advisor to the president on religious matters confirmed Obama’s desire to reach out to Christians after the “unfortunate Charlie Brown incident.” McLaren did say that this should bring back many of those in the Emerging Church movement who were frustrated by Obama because he had wimped out and acted too conservative on many issues, “they worship LOST even more than they care about their politics or theology.”

Evangelicalism isn't dead- sorry for the misunderstanding

Corrections: It has come to our attention that the report from January 7, 2010 entitled “Obituary for the Emerging Church” was incorrect regarding one fact.

It erroneously reported that the Emerging Church's paternal grandmother, Evangelicalism had died in 2009. This was incorrect.

In fact, Evangelicalism is still alive. In late fall 2009, while frail from incurable brain cancer and early onset dementia, Evangelicalism was brutally attacked by the editors of Patrol magazine in a New York alleyway. The attack was not fatal.

Presently, Evangelicalism is in a persistent vegetative state on a ventilator in a Florida hospice.

An Obituary for the Emerging Church

The Emerging Church, A Controversial movement inspiring many the past 10 years, Dies at 21

MINNEAPOLIS — The Emerging Church, the controversial Christian movement that inspired many to plant churches, leave behind their faith and question authority, died in her sleep Thursday following a short illness. She was 21 (according to some sources).

The cause was cardiac arrest, according to spokesperson Steve Knight. According to police, foul play and suicide have not been ruled out at this time. According to person of interest, Andrew Jones, she was ready to die and beyond any life-saving treatment.

Mrs. Church was the “reason for the failure of many church institutions and the paved the road to Hell with good intentions”, according to critic Ken Silva. While she has many enemies in established and institutional churches, many of whom were distant relatives, according to supporters, Mrs. Church was instrumental in the advent of many advances in the Christian church, including facial hair, tattoos, fair trade coffee, candles, couches in sanctuaries, distortion pedals, Rated R movie discussions, clove cigarettes and cigars, beer and use of Macs, as well as the advancement of women’s issues, conversations about sexuality, environmentalism, anti-foundationalism, social justice and the demise of the Republican party's stranglehold on young Christians.

However, according to Post-Emergent spokesperson Rick Bennett, these advancements never included taste in film and music, with Mrs. Church always thinking Coldplay, and anything that sounded like it was 70’s soft rock was edgy, “I think she was drawn to anything with nebulous spirituality that sounded kinda like the worship music she grew up on, plus she was enamored with overblown pabulum like LOST, Heroes and 24 or pseudo-philosophy like the Matrix. Give me a break, she couldn’t tell Truffaut from Fellini.”

Controversies on Gay Marriage and the ordination of Homosexuals caused many stresses in her life, leading to a downturn in her health.

Mrs. Church, who began her career as at a gathering of young white, mostly American and predominately male church leaders in New Mexico in 1998, had been recently spending time in Africa with friend Brian McLaren, attempting to apologize for Colonialism. She was also attempting to gather women and people of color in an attempt to reconcile her past to her vision for the future of the church.

She is survived by her parents, the Seeker Church, and Sojourners; her paternal grandmother, the former Deconstructionism, now Postmodernity; her maternal grandmother, French Nihilism and her paternal great-grandparents, the Social Gospel and Fundamentalism. Her paternal grandfather, the Jesus Movement died months before her birth. Her paternal grandmother, Evangelicalism died in 2009. She is also survived by sister House Church movement and brother New Monastacism. She is also survived by two sons, Presbymergent and Something-in-Europe People Say is Relevant; and 10 grandchildren (that won’t scare your grandparents), along with ex-husbands Mark Driscoll and the Origins Movement.

Emerging Church was born on January 1, 1989, in New Zealand. Her family moved, when she was a child, to the United States. She traveled much, taking up residence in Dallas, TX, Pasadena, CA, Spencerville, MD and the Minneapolis area. Her father, the child of California’s Jesus Movement lived primarily in the Chicago suburbs, while her mother lived in Washington, DC with boyfriend the Democratic Party. Her parents have since reconciled.

Mrs. Church’s growing frustration with her father’s church and grandparent’s theology started her on a journey that ultimately led to her death. “I will change Christianity if it kills me in the process,” she was famous for saying, long before she spent summers camping with Fundamentalists in the woods, hoping to understand their fascination with propositional statements and rules.

“Personally, I think one of those danged Fundamentalists attacked her and ate her when she wasn’t looking,” says friend Karen Ward of Seattle. “You should look at Andrew Jones and make sure he has no bottles of sleeping pills in his possession,” says Mike Morrell of Atlanta. Josh Brown, Ryan Sharpe and Becky Garrison told me that they thought she was already dead.

Not surprisingly, in today’s celebrity culture, some of her friends and followers have set up vigils protesting the news of her death. Close personal friend, Tony Jones tells anyone still listening; “now I don’t want to get all Tupac, or Elvis on anyone, but she isn’t dead. Her demise is a ploy by her enemies to destroy her credibility and the credibility of those who work on her behalf. She is alive and well, but probably being held hostage by John Piper. I have sources that tell me she was last seen in downtown Minneapolis near Bethlehem Church, in a blizzard I am sure Piper will say was caused by her friends, the Gays. I am sure the body they have is a double found at a local morgue.” As of now, he is the spokesman for what could be a large contingent of possible conspiracy theorists demanding more answers. Some have called this group Emergent Truthers.

Mrs. Church’s influence will be debated for years to come. Details of her death have not yet been released. Funeral arrangements are in the planning stages.

Andrew Jones, wanted for questioning in the death of the Emerging Church

Andrew Jones, AKA “Tall Skinny Kiwi” is a person of interest in the possible death of The Emerging Church. He is wanted by the Minneapolis Police Department for questioning. “This is merely a discussion,” says Police Spokesperson Frank O’Reilly. “We are not ruling out natural causes, but due to some public statements on the part of Mr. Jones, we would like the opportunity to talk to him in our office, with his lawyer present.”

Mr. Jones, a native of New Zealand (and not a personal friend of Peter Jackson, apparently the only Kiwi that doesn’t actually know Mr. Jackson and has not worked for Jackson), was last seen in Europe with his family. Jones has no fixed address, but considers himself a friend of the Emerging Church. In fact, through public statements he has intimated his presence at the birth (or conception) of the Church. At this time it is unknown if Mr. Jones is related to the church (some say he is a parent) or was a doctor in the room at the time of its birth.

Mrs. Church, born in 1989, had many enemies and was rumored to have been suffering from a possible terminal illness. However, close friend Tony Jones of Edina, states that Mrs. Church was in fact only suffering from frayed nerves brought on by the stress of the impending divorce with The Origins Project. He said, “She was not feeling well, but I do not believe The Emerging Church was needing anything besides rest. In fact, should any foul play be found, I think there are other suspects in the case, including the Southern Baptist Convention and any of John Piper’s followers. However, I think she is not really dead. In fact, I think this report is premature. Yes, it seems as if someone has drugged her and left her for dead, but she will recover. I must believe that.”

Tony Jones, who is not related to Andrew Jones, but describes himself as a friend of Andrew, says that he is worried about Andrew Jones, who has had to live in multiple worlds for too long. “Eventually the stress may have gotten to him,” says Tony Jones, "In fact, while I don’t want to implicate him in anything unsavory, if anything has happened to the Emerging Church, I would look at Andrew as a suspect in a possible misguided mercy killing.”

Reached for comment, a lawyer for Andrew Jones stated, "my client would not participate in a mercy killing. In fact, he has very, very orthodox opinions on such issues. He is completely against euthanasia. In fact, he believes exactly what he is supposed to believe on all issues related to orthodoxy. Really. He does. However, Andrew did state to me that he was concerned for the life of the Emerging Church. Anything you have read from him is merely his attempt to show his love for a relative.”

Mr. Jones was last seen in with his family. He is very white and very tall. If you have any information related to his whereabouts, please contact the Minneapolis Police Department or Interpol.

Emerging Church rushed to Local Hospital

Minneapolis, MN- Contradictory reports are coming in. However, according to TMZ and Perez Hilton, the Emerging Church was rushed to an area hospital with cardiac arrest. Mrs. Church had been suffering from undisclosed illnesses in the recent past.

Although seeming to be older, she is merely 20 years old. Friend Tony Jones of Edina says the reports are erroneous and that The Emerging Church is alive and well, "maybe it was the Seeker Sensitive Church that was taken to the hospital, that thing has been on its last legs for 10 years."

Update- Reports from EMTs say the Church has died.

less successful the "Gospel and..." television shows

I just saw online that Chris Seay, who I used to work with, is writing a new book on how the Gospel interacts with something in popular culture. Taking a cue from the "What Would Jesus Tell (name a famous person- real or fiction from pop culture)" sermon series popularized by Willow Creek Church and numerous seeker churches world-wide or the ubiquitous "God and the Movies" pretty much every church preaches during the dreary summer days to gather attention, Chris has added to his repertoire the ABC series LOST (in the past he has written critically acclaimed books about The Sopranos, The Matrix films and Enron).

When I was preaching regularly I, too, would pick artifacts of popular culture for sermons based on the interactions between that subject and the Bible (or Gospel, in Christian vernacular). Some of my favorites were the television shows The X Files and Millennium, the films Jerry Maguire, Magnolia or Dead Man Walking and musicians like Ben Folds, Pearl Jam and Lauren Hill. Needless to say, besides The X-Files I did not have Chris' propensity to pick up on cultural phenomena, usually picking things regulated to a niche very quickly (or at least a select audience).

My love of the grays and the margins usually leads me to popular culture that does not translate as well to mass audiences (any reader of this blog knows that). Sure, a series on the Gospel According to Coldplay would draw a slightly larger audience than the Gospel According to Frightened Rabbit (okay, no one would be interested in the treatment of Frightened Rabbit), but I don't like Coldplay. And who cares about Jesus and the television show Chuck, one of the better shows on television (but with no cultural resonance for some reason) or Dexter.

Now here is where I am going with this... Chris has picked some things that translate well to his idea (The Sopranos work like a warped Davidic kingdom and the Matrix threw every religious idea in history at us). But, there are many things out there that are probably left outside of the "Gospel and..." treatment (many of which have been preached less successfully in churches). I have seen pastors try to use modern classics like the Scooby Do movies, The Fast and The Furious, GI Joe, Transformers 2 and Night at the Museum 2, stretching the film (sometimes they haven't even seen it) and Gospel to a breaking point.

There are many films that just don't fit, especially some of the stuff I like. And the television shows I love would either not translate to a "Gospel and..." book or 3 people would buy it. Here are my favorites shows. Imagine a book entitled:

The Gospel and Dexter (exploring Dexter's relationship to Deuteronomic and Levitical law)

The Gospel and Chuck (Chuck saving the world as metaphor for evangelism)

The Gospel and 30 Rock (Liz as Moses leading her people to the promised land, Jack as Yahweh, Tracy as Aaron and Kenneth as the 10 Commandments)

The Gospel and The Wire (a 2000 page exploration of conflict between the differing branches within the Davidic Kingdom at the time of Solomon, with McNulty and Omar as competing Jesus figures... or something like that)

The Gospel and Pushing Daisies (about how even God cannot resurrect an under appreciated quirky series on broadcast television that is too smart for its own good)

Sure some shows would be easy, The Gospel and the Office (trivial, but sells well), The Gospel and My Name is Earl (written by an 8th grader) and The Gospel and The Simpsons (D'oh).

Some other less-than-classics could include The Gospel and Mad Men (just wait, it is coming), The Gospel and Weeds (hmmmm, what is this one about?), The Gospel and CSI (We dodged that bullet) and The Gospel and Grey's Anatomy. I am sure someone has written the Gospel and American Idol or Survivor.

So, share with me either 1) the worst "Gospel and..." thing you have ever seen/ heard/ read or (God forbid) done

and

2) The darkest or worst idea for such a book or series (no "Gospel according to Saw" types- too easy), or that thing that would stretch The Gospel or bible beyond imagination to fit. Justify it if possible.

by the way, I would buy a book called The Gospel According to District 9!