Free Agent Preacher Driscoll to Announce New City for Pastoring Live tonight

After weeks of discussion, sources are announcing that Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, the star free agent preacher of 2010, will be announcing his future plans live on TheChurchChannel tonight at 9PM from the offices of the International Justice Mission in D.C. All proceeds from the announcement will be given to IJM.

While it is not known what Rev. Driscoll will do, his entourage has been taking calls from pulpits around the world, fielding offers and crunching numbers. While many pastors have reupped with their home teams, others have chased the money and potential from church plants and established pulpits in other cities.

Speculation has reached a fever pitch in this summer of the free agent preachers. Already this week, Rick Warren has re-signed with Saddleback for the maximum contract, as have Andy Stanley and Bill Hybels with their churches. Ed Young, Jr. has announced he will be leaving Fellowship of Grapevine for the sun and fun of South Beach. A spokesman for Young stated that "we should not be surprised. The lifestyle of Miami is more conducive to Pastor Young's ministry gifts."

In fact, earlier today, Rob Bell announced via twitter that he would be leaving Grand Rapids, Michigan, a truly dreadful place, for the challenges of San Diego, California. Said Bell, in 140 characters or less, "yo peeps, Love G Rap but 2 cold, the Bell needs sunshine and a congregants w/ cash money. Trading specs for sunglasses."

With the other top free agent's announcements, the pressure is mounting for Driscoll, whose options are endless and ego demands a larger stage than twitter or a blog. Says a spokesman, "Mark has chosen to announce his intentions via television. He feels that the excitement surrounding his free agency is something that must be used for the Gospel of Jesus Christ on the biggest stage available. Sadly, no one on CNN, ESPN or Bravo took our calls. This is all we could get."

While potential followers and fans in New York, Minneapolis, Las Vegas and London are teeming with excitement, the congregants of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, the church he began in 1996, are nervously awaiting the announcement, speaking out on fan forums and throwing rallies, like the one in Seattle's Ballard neighborhood which drew tens of people last month.

Says longtime parishioner, Mike Stewart, "now I don't want to get in trouble with the elders for speaking out, but Mark is Seattle and Seattle is Mark. We built each other and to think he might throw away his loyalty to us, which is tattooed on his back, is sickening. To think of him leaving us for a city like New York saddens his fans. If he leaves, I am throwing away my autographed copy of his book Reformissionary!"

Another church member, speaking on condition of anonymity since she is female, said this, "we are all witnesses to his rise and we better not be witnesses to his departure. If he leaves us via television, it will be like a knife in the back and he will be booed when he comes back."

While some are speaking out, others are praying for Driscoll's love of Seattle coffee and its homegrown beers to draw him home.

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Cities vying for Mark Driscoll and odds:

Seattle (45% chance)- his hometown, Driscoll loves the city, built the church from scratch into a megamachine. However, the winters are dreary and he realizes it is not a world class city. The gloomy rock scene has seen its better days and jobs are leaving town. It is not as hip as it was in the 90s.

New York City (25%)- The potential of preaching alongside Tim Keller at Redeemer and having access to the greatest city in the world, along with its denizens must be alluring. One church with 2 mega-preaching stars would crush the competition. Plus, Keller is turning 60 and has indicated he is interested in retiring in the near future, leaving the pulpit to Driscoll alone. However, the cost of living is high. It is far from friends and family and the coffee sucks.

Minneapolis (15%)- With his mentor John Piper on a long sabbatical, the elders of Bethlehem Baptist Church are pining for a suitable replacement. Besides his mouth, Driscoll fits the bill. With his fierce intellect, reformed credentials and powerful preaching, the potential for growth is huge. However, many members of the church do not like funny preachers, as evidenced by John Piper sermons. Also, Driscoll does not like extreme winters where there is no water. He does like the challenge of going face-to-face with Emerging Church leaders in the city.

London (10%)- The chance to be in one of the biggest cities in the world, full of Muslims to convert or piss off, is alluring. Also, the beer choice is extraordinary, even if the coffee and food choices are mildly outputting. Most interesting to Driscoll is the chance to follow in the footsteps of his favorite all time preacher, Spurgeon. However, the extreme openness to all opinions would make Driscoll's message less offensive and interesting to Londoners and his form of humor does not always translate to British sensibilities. Also, the British men tend to be effeminate (and he hates soccer).

Las Vegas (5%)- An early front-runner, Driscoll is not as interested in starting a new church. However, he realizes in Vegas he can say anything he wants and it will be acceptable. Plus, there is so much sin for him to go after. In fact, he can preach a full year just on the evils of gambling and strippers. However, he understands that "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" and Driscoll is not interesting in his message staying anywhere.

Stay Tuned...

Other Proposed Resolutions for Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) 2010

In an effort to stay relevant in American society, the Southern Baptist Convention has begun a new program called the Great Commission Resurgence to redouble its commitment to evangelism and church growth, giving 110%, instead of the 105% they had been giving during the past decades. As anyone that follows sports knows, 105% is the same as 10% and results in never winning, especially in church growth.

One of the main ways Southern Baptists have stayed relevant in American society is through their use of resolutions at their yearly convention. These resolutions bring debate over contentious and hot button issues to the masses and allow for Baptists to inform the world of how they feel about specific subjects, therefore “taking a stand” and “keeping it real” as they communicate the love and grace of God to a world in need of it (oh, and God’s wrath and judgment also).

During the past 100 years Southern Baptists have made the evening news with classic (I will give a Top 10 list of my favorite REAL resolutions later this week) resolutions like Boycott of Disney in 1996. This year, we have a few new resolutions destined to make future Baptists proud and the world go, huh?

Making sure the world knows where they stand on every issue; here are the Top 10 Resolutions for Discussion at 2010 Southern Baptist Convention in Orlando:

10. As previously mentioned in this blog: Resolution to Boycott “painter” Thomas Kinkade in light of his recent arrest for DUI.

9. As previously mentioned: Resolution to Invite Big 12 schools into the Southern Baptist Convention.

8. Resolution to add heavier menu items to Tea Party Rallies throughout the nation. Says Albert Mohler, “we know the Tea Party movement is largely led by Southern Baptists and their friends. However, we believe the idea of a tea party is fairly childish and effeminate and ask to add Fried Chicken and Macaroni Salad, along with sweet tea to the menu for all rallies. We are considering a proposal to change the name to Sweet Tea Party movement thereby reflecting an important segment of the demographic of this important movement.”

7. Resolution to add to the Baptist Faith in Message, 2000 an addendum explaining that, “while the offices of pastor and deacon are explicitly male, as spelled out clearly in Scripture, a woman may be elected President of the United States and hold that office with support of Southern Baptist voters, if she holds the following criteria: she is Republican, she is evangelical, she is pretty hot for her age, she is not married to a former president.” Current prohibitions for pastors and deacons are still in effect for all other women.

6. Resolution to ask Congress to consider changes to the military policy of “Don’t Ask: Don’t Tell.” While many are hoping for a different change of this policy, Southern Baptists are concerned than overturning it will lead to Baptist Chaplains right to free speech taken from them. They will no longer be able to name this sin if the US Military allows The Gays to serve with impunity. The SBC will resolve to change the policy to “Do Ask: Do Tell: Do Tell Them They Are Going to Hell.”

5. Resolution to ask the Gores to seek family counseling and repair their marriage. Says Mohler, “even as a godless Democrat who cares about the earth way too much, we want to see Al Gore and his wife live their lives together and hope and pray for their reconciliation.”

4. Resolution to encourage Lifeway to consider Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged as central curriculum for Vacation Bible School in 2012.

3. Resolution to dismiss all Mayan and Hollywood claims the world will end in 2012 as bogus examples of New Age philosophy, paganism and postmodern hokum in which all Apocalyptic claims outside the parameters of Biblical literature are given a voice in our highly “spiritual but not religious” society of tolerance for all besides those giving the truth of Revelation. An addendum by Acts 29 Baptist pastors to reprimand John Cusack for his participation in this film, while praising him for all other roles was summarily dismissed by the Executive Committee.

2. Resolution to boycott Sex in the City 2 as not only an immoral film pushing promiscuity, alcoholism, hedonism and a homosexual agenda, but also an awful movie that was not even funny. We will consider a resolution condemning Transformers 3 next year for being even worse.

1. Resolution to commend Glenn Beck for standing up to the left-wing Sojourners organization and Jim Wallis and his insistence that Social Justice is a mark of Christianity. Social and Economic redistribution of resources, while a mark of the early church, are not central tenants of modern American Baptist Christianity and not within our Baptist Faith and Message, 2000. While churches may choose to give money and help to the poor, they are not to advocate politically except on issues of morality, such as abortion, taxation, Federalism, school vouchers, homosexuality, the 2^nd Amendment, Islamic invasions and the heredity of the President.

The resolution to ignore the Emerging Church movement as inconsequential and unworthy of discussion was tabled until 2011.

If you want to see what kind of resolutions Southern Baptists are really considering this week, Big Daddy Weave is actually helpful (as opposed to me, which is not).

SBC resolution on Thomas Kinkade's DUI

Digging through the stacks of resolutions at this year's Southern Baptist Convention meeting in Orlando, I stumbled across this resolution, in wake of "painter" Thomas Kinkade's recent DUI arrest.

Resolution on Thomas Kinkade’s DUI and SBC memberships ownership of his paintings

WHEREAS, Southern Baptists have for many over ten years have enjoyed and trusted Thomas Kinkade’s paintings of light which have reinforced basic Christian American virtues and values; and

WHEREAS, The virtues promoted by Kinkade have contributed to the development of an industry in which Christians are willing to express their faith through the display of landscapes extolling those values with the inclusion of wonderfully lit churches, homes and schools; and

WHEREAS, in recent days, Thomas Kinkade has given the appearance that the promotion of alcohol consumption is more important than his historic commitment to traditional family values, haven taken a direction which is contrary to the prohibition of alcohol consumption by Christians; and

WHEREAS, in recent days, Thomas Kinkade has been arrested under the suspicion of driving while under the influence of alcohol in California, a notoriously liberal state in need of God’s judgment; and

WHEREAS , This and other decisions and actions represent a significant departure from a Christian family-values image, and a gratuitous insult to Baptists who have long supported Kinkade’s painting career and contributed to his corporate profits; and

WHEREAS, Boycotts are a legitimate method for communicating moral convictions; now, therefore,

BE IT RESOLVED, We as Southern Baptist messengers meeting in annual session on June 15-17, 2010, go on record expressing our deep disappointment for these actions by Thomas Kinkade; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That we encourage Southern Baptists to give serious and prayerful reconsideration to their purchase and support of Thomas Kinkade products, and to boycott The Thomas Kinkade Company and stores if he continues alcohol consumption, including the destruction of previously owned paintings and prints; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That we encourage the Christian Life Commission to monitor Kinkade’s progress in returning to a lifestyle of tee-totaling; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That we encourage state Baptist papers and national Southern Baptist publications to assist in informing the Southern Baptist family of these issues; and

FINALLY, BE IT RESOLVED, That the Convention requests the Executive Committee to send a copy of this resolution to Thomas Kinkade and to encourage the Southern Baptist family to support this boycott with our purchasing power, letters and influence.

in case you are wondering, the text of this is very similar to the 1996 SBC Resolution to Boycott Disney

2 Perfect Christian Conferences

Taking cues from other conference directors and creators, I am going into the business of creating and managing events. It should work well for me. I have put together multiple events during my life and used to be a concert promoter. In fact, I am partnering with a friend in Tampa Bay to put on next week’s Sustainable Faith conference in St. Pete featuring Shane Claiborne, Doug Pagitt and Danielle Shroyer. It should be a great event.

As I try to create my own brand of conferences I have decided to move towards absolute perfection. Too many of these conferences are trying for absolute diversity but failing miserably. Last year, friends put on such a conference in which all the speakers were women. This year, the main conference happening in a few weeks is diverse, but still over populated by men with beards (I called it the Beards of Theology event). I just received an email concerning an event in Atlanta this fall that attempts diversity. The main speakers are an African American woman, a Native American man and a white guy. This is good, but don’t women hold a higher percentage in the USA? Not, 100% like that conference I mentioned, but something like 51%-49% (I am not actually looking it up).

So, here are 2 conference ideas. The first is for progressive, emerging, Social Justice Christians. It takes a lot of work and will get me very little money since they demand everything be free or discounted (each wants an insider deal and is a poor Democrat). To make up for it, I will put on the perfect Reformed Evangelical Christian conference. I can charge a lot of money (the advantage of high salaries, big church budgets and Republicanism) with very little work.

IDEA #1

CATYLATE or CATYL8

Cost: $9.99

Location: still looking at UCC churches and seminaries in mid-major cities

21 speakers

11 female/ 10 male

8 White

4 African American

4 Latino (representing Mexican, Caribbean, Central and South American ethnicities)

3 Asian (representing Korean and Chinese, along w/ another)

1 multi-ethnic (hopefully Jewish or Arab in there- preferable both)

1 Native American

5 will be Gay or Lesbian

10 former Evangelicals (at least 2 former Baptists, 2 former Charismatics, 3 former fundies from Liberty or a Bible college)

5 mainliners

2 Catholics

4 other faith traditions

Presently, as I try to determine speakers, I realize that I need some people to play multiple parts with the coupe de grace being someone representative of 3 groupings. This is harder than trying to make the seedings for the NCAA tournament.

Music will be led by a good natured bearded folk singer with “edgy” lyrics about doubt and never-ending crescendos… and his girlfriend.

Each talk will be 18 minutes because TED is 20 and we want to be even better than TED. Topics include How to Be Liked by Everyone that is not a Closed Minded Fundamentalist,

What churches can learn from the spirituality and community building in dolphin communities, in a pluralistic age, why Christianity is not really superior to other religions, but kinda is, Post-Colonialism is not just a catchphrase, it actually means something,

Social Media: a Force for Good or a force for Great, Open Source Theology Using a Closed Source Technology, Life After Jesus and Why Everything we Ever Learned in Church is Wrong and the TV show LOST is Right, along with a discussion of Why Shane Claiborne, Rob Bell and anyone too successful aren’t really in our camp.

Since I will undoubtedly lose money on this, unless I can get everyone to come for free and get some suckers to sponsor it,J I still need to make some bank. For that, here is the perfect Conservative, Reformed Conference.

Conference #2

Our Gospel is Bigger than Yours

Cost $599.99

Location: Nashville with telecasts in Louisville, Dallas, Seattle, LA and Orlando

Speakers are 10 White Men, 5 of which wear suits and 5 of which cuss and wear Ed Hardy shirts.

Music will be led by a good natured bearded folk singer with “edgy” lyrics about sovereignty and reworkings of really old hymns of proper theological content all with never ending crescendos … and his pregnant wife.

Each sermon will be 45-50 minutes long, unless more time is desired. Topics will include The Primacy of Sovereignty in Theology, The Primacy of the Word Primacy in Preaching, The Primacy of Men in Relationships, The Primacy of Church Discipline, The Primacy of the Pastor’s will being done as an indication of His role as God’s Appointed, The Primacy of the Heresy of Emerging Christianity, A Discussion of the Heresy of Brian McLaren by the 10 speaker in which no one is allowed to dissent from the norm, Why Our Bible is better than yours, Why the Atonement is Not a Rose, but is a Tulip and Why We believe in Depravity of Man and the Sovereignty of God but Are Still Right about Everything.

At Conference #2 these words will be banned from use unless used disparagingly or in a mocking tone: contextual, justice, equality, emerge (and variations), process, doubt, pluralism, LOST (the TV show), conversation/ dialogue/ discussion and Brian McLaren.

At conference #2, these words must be used by all speakers. If unused contract is rendered null and void: Primacy (at least 4X per talk), sovereign, penal substitution, discipline, Gospel (as defined by us/ and as a hammer), orthodox, lost (people), sin, preaching, elder.

At conference #1 all these word usages will be reversed.

12 marks of new monasticism, according to your dad

Somewhere along the line, you may have come into contact with the 12 Marks of New Monasticism, a branch of the Emerging Church I have had tangential connection to during my journey. These 12 Marks, compiled by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove paint a very appealing picture of Christianity to many of us (myself included). However, to many of our parents, pastors and church leaders from another generation or worldview, they may seem a bit strange.

When asked to write a piece of satire for a magazine frequented by New Monastics, I came up with an early draft of the 12 marks, which was intended to poke a little fun at the earnestness of the group, while maintaining an understanding of who they are. It was not the right piece for the publication, so I have decided to resurrect it here, primarily because I like it. I have changed it from an early draft, so as to not unintentionally insult the originator. Instead we are going with this…

When a New Monastic says this (one of the 12 Marks), his/her dad or pastor hears this (something entirely different). This could be why New Monasticism and other emerging church ideas sound freakish to some older Christians.

The 12 Marks of New Monasticism, interpreted by your Dad.

1. You say “Relocation to the abandoned places of Empire.” Your dad hears “buy cheap houses in the ghetto and gentrify, but complain when other white people move in, thereby increasing your street-cred.”
2. You say “Sharing economic resources with fellow community members and the needy among us.” Your dad hears “become a hippy cult like those people in Haight-Ashbury and continue to misinterpret Acts 2:44-45 by taking it literally.”
3. You say “Hospitality to the stranger.” Your dad hears “Hospitality to other strange white people with tattoos oh, and poor people too, just don’t feed them the organic stuff.”
4. You say “Lament for racial divisions within the church and our communities combined with the active pursuit of a just reconciliation.” Your black friends hear “whine and complain with other white people about the lack of black people in your church. Go to black churches and notice how much better the music is. Complain less loudly.”
5. You say “Humble submission to Christ’s body, the church.” Your dad hears “when the pastor says ‘drink the Kool-Aid,’ you ask “can I have grape?’”
6. You say “Intentional formation in the way of Christ and the rule of the community along the lines of the old novitiate.” Your dad hears “act Catholic when it suits you, Protestant at all other times.” While the priest down the street hears “act Catholic, except when it comes to all that Mary, Pope and lifelong celibacy stuff. You know the stuff that makes a Catholic, Catholic.”
7. You say “Nurturing common life among members of intentional community.” Your dad hears “rebel against your upbringing, but with other weird people (don’t drink or smoke alone). Talk about how much more real this is than the way you grew up in Evangelicalism.”
8. You say “Support for celibate singles alongside monogamous married couples and their children.” Your dad or single friend hears “get to know singles that won’t let their girlfriend/ boyfriend sleep over. Ask them to babysit.”
9. You say “Geographical proximity to community members who share a common rule of life.” Your dad hears “find roommates to share expenses so you don’t have to get a real job working for The Man."
10. You say “Care for the plot of God’s earth given to us along with support of our local economies.” Your dad hears “stay away from Starbucks, McDonalds and Wal-Mart frequented by real people and silently judge that those that shop there. Drive a Prius or a bike. I guess you could take the bus.”
11. You say “Peacemaking in the midst of violence and conflict resolution within communities along the lines of Matthew 18.” Your dad hears “don’t pray people in the back, like they did in your parent’s church. Tell people when you got a beef against them.” For once he agrees with you, unless you are really saying “vote for Democratics, if they are sufficiently non-patriotic. Vote Green Party, if you must vote. Just don’t tell anybody.” He just can’t tell which you are saying, but he is concerned your vote will cancel his Republican vote.
12. You say “Commitment to a disciplined contemplative life.” Your dad hears “give up on everything you were taught in Sunday School.” Your older friends that listen to Toad the Wet Sprocket hear “Burn your TV in the yard. Gather round it with your friends.” They smile, unless you really mean it.

I still like it better the other way (as an early draft with what he was really saying crossed out), but decided for once to be gentle (it will not be a trend, I assure you).

Churches Announce Pop Singer Signings for Easter Services

An announcement earlier this week that The Jonas Brothers would be leading worship at Angels Stadium in Anaheim for Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church has touched off a wave of new signings and negotiations during the past 24 hours.

The 1 Day free agent signing, considered a coup by many insiders, was negotiated by Warren himself and The Jonas Brothers’ new agent Scott Boras, agent for MLB’s Alex Rodriquez and Manny Ramirez. Reached for comment, Rick Warren told reporters, “This will be quite the day. While many were trying to sign the Jonas Brothers, we knew the climate of the OC would be a draw, along with our proximity to LA and the connection we have to the Disney community. When you think Saddleback, you think Disney Pop. This is a match made in heaven by Angels and in Anaheim with the Angels. Plus, their parents love my book, The Purpose Driven Life. The Jonas Brothers are a purpose driven band and this is a purpose driven Sunday!”

Once considered a front runner for The Jonas Brothers’ services, the leadership team at Fellowship of Grapevine, is in full crisis mode. “Of course, they were our pick. Who does not want a number 1 of that caliber on the equivalent of opening day? But, we have something up our sleeves. Just wait.” Unnamed sources have confirmed that Rev. Young is negotiating with Lady GaGa, Taylor Swift and Beyonce at this time. His first choice is Beyonce, but only if she brings Jay-Z along.

Miss Swift was the front runner at Saddleback until her unfortunate off key performance at The Grammys. “Even our sound engineers would not know what to do with that, “said Saddleback’s chief sound guy. Also, there was concern that Kanye West would show up and upstage any Taylor Swift performance. Saddleback’s police force deemed Swift a security risk due to Kanye’s likely crashing.

Not wanting to wait for an announcement after the Jonas signing, Willow Creek announced today they are in negotiations with Coldplay front man Chris Martin to perform a solo set at each of their weekend services. Other weekend signings include Ricky Martin at Metropolitan Community Church of Dallas, Miley Cyrus at Joel Osteen’s Houston church and Sufjan Stevens at Mars Hill Grand Rapids since Sigur Ros and Radiohead were unavailable.

American Idol contestants and winners are dispersing nationwide as this article is being written. John Mayer’s pre-Easter stock has dropped due to unfortunate comments on twitter and in magazines. His agent hopes a church with a liberal view on sexuality will call before the weekend.

U2 has chosen to forego performing on Easter Sunday, opting for a quiet East celebration on the French Riviera with a private church service performed by the leadership of the Protestant and Catholic churches of Ireland and performances by Sinead O’Connor and Swell Season. The bands and ministers will be flown in, along with an alter from the Church of the Holy Sepulcher for this eco-friendly service. It is closed to the public.

There is no truth to the rumor that Mars Hill Church of Seattle has asked Nickleback to perform. Mars Hill has chosen to bring Ultimate Fighting Championship celebrities to give testimonials instead.

_____________

Updated: Fading pop star Britney Spears has been announced as the headliner for fading seeker church Without Walls Church in Tampa in what is considered another match made in heaven.

apparently it is not obvious on this post, but the story of The Jonas Brothers playing at Angels Stadium as part of Saddleback's Easter service is real:)

Oscar Roundtable

an imagined conversation

Oscar Round-Table with Mark Driscoll, Brian McLaren, Ed Young, Jr, David Dark and the Rev. Smith, pastor of Berean Baptist Church.

CTT: Thanks to all of you for participating in our roundtable. First of all, I would like to ask what each of you brings to the table to discus film.

Mark: “I do love film, I love story. My degree’s in communication. I’ve got two home theater systems. I’ve got three Tivos, all right, I am not against technology and the arts. Our film crew just was in L.A. at Universal Studios shooting on the Spartacus set to get all of our footage for Good Friday. Some of my friends are filmmakers and poets and artists and we’re a very creative church.”*

Brian: While I would rather not discuss the material possessions that allow me to watch film on a high level, I am a former English teacher at the University of Maryland and have an understanding of the narrative aspects of film and how they align with the Biblical narrative.

Ed Young, Jr.: Well, I am sure my home theater system would put Mark’s to shame. Plus, I minister to some very influential actors, names I cannot share at this time. And, we do a really cool “At the Movies” sermon series in which I take a really popular movie and create a sermon around it. We even make our stage look like the film. I cannot wait to do Avatar. I will be blue!

David Dark: I have written on film for a number of years. I find it a form, while not superior to the written word, at least its modern equivalent, allowing the participants, on both the maker’s side and that of the watcher, to create a participatory dance through its use of images, light, sound, narrative and human involvement that is superior to other artistic forms (the written word withstanding) due to its ability to fully engage those said participants, whether it is the grandiose art of a Fellini, the sublimity of a Godard or the lowbrow comedic timings of an Apatow.

Rev. Smith: I write a newsletter each month for my congregants telling them which movies they should see and which ones they shouldn’t.

CTT: First of all, let’s discuss the film Avatar. What are your reactions?

Mark: Avatar is “the most demonic, satanic film I’ve ever seen. That any Christian could watch that without seeing the overt demonism is beyond me… it is a completely false ideology, it’s a sermon preached. It’s the most popular movie ever made, and it tells you that the creation mandate, the cultural mandate is bad, that we shouldn’t, we shouldn’t develop culture, that’s a bad thing. Primitive is good and advanced is bad and that we’re not sinners, we’re just disconnected from the divine life force, just classic, classic, classic paganism, that human beings are to connect, literally, with trees and animals and beasts and birds and that there’s this spiritual connection that we’re all a part of, that we’re all a part of the divine. It presents a false mediator with a witch. It presents false worship of created things rather than Creator God in absolute antithesis to Romans 1:25, which gives that as the essence of paganism. It has a false incarnation where a man comes in to be among a people group and to assume their identity. It’s a false Jesus. We have a false resurrection. We have a false savior. We have a false heaven. The whole thing is new age, satanic, demonic paganism, and people are just stunned by the visuals. Well, the visuals are amazing because Satan wants you to emotionally connect with a lie.”*

Brian: While I appreciate the passion with which Mark speaks, I must disagree on a number of grounds. However, I do have an issue with the film when I think of the costs associated. I wonder how many wells could be built to provide clean drinking water in Africa with the money spend on that film. In fact, a sustainable wind farm could be created to bring renewable energy to the entire subcontinent with the money brought in so far. This is an example of the false narrative that Westerners find themselves in.

However, regarding the film itself, I do appreciate the fact that the oppressive Colonialist forces that were attempting to rape the land of a primitive (in the positive sense) people group were pushed back, once again showing the crises each civilization faces when an oppressor is led by fear, greed and racism. However, I do believe that it was a misfortune that the Myth of Redemptive Violence was exalted once more.

Ed Young Jr: Man, did you see it in 3D? Wow. We are totally going to create a 3D theater in our video venues so they can experience our church as it happens in Grapevine. Man, what I would not do for a fraction of that special effects budget every Sunday. As for the movie? Yeah. I think I can find a way to spin it around to the Gospel. I think each person needs to be willing to become someone else to reach others for Jesus. That’ll preach, right? Can’t wait for the sermon series. It will be on the web. I am gonna be blue and the church will be Pandora!

David: I would rather spend time talking about the narrative structure in the Coen Brothers film A Serious Man and how it speaks to the consequences of inaction in Jewish life which is not solved by the American Rabbinical tradition.

Rev. Smith: Didn’t see it. Told my congregants not to see it. Sounds wierd.

CTT: Alright, let’s look at the other Best Picture candidates. Any that stick out to you?

Mark: My number 1 choice is Inglourious Basterds. I would like to metaphorically bash the skulls of the evil expressed in this film (and by modern day poor theology). I get what Tarantino is trying to do and while I believe that it was God’s will for the Holocaust, and I cannot question anything in God’s perfect timing, I think the Basterds were the kind of Jesus following young men I look for! I can do without the existential crises of A Serious Man and Up In the Air. These guys need to get over themselves. Blindside sucked. I liked the message, but the direction was pedestrian while still manipulative and Bullock overacts as if to say, “look at my, give me an Oscar.”

Brian: Once again, the Myth of Redemptive Violence is the overarching theme in Avatar, District 9, The Hurt Locker, Inglourious Basterds and Up. I find this a disturbing trend. While I did appreciate District 9’s desire to understand the world from the side of The Other, especially through the Incarnation, I was disturbed by the Colonialism evident in its use of a white man to redeem the lives of the poor savage aliens who were unable to save themselves. I feel the same about Blindside in which a rich white Christian saves the life of a poor mute black boy. My favorite would be Up In the Air, in which a 50 something man that travels too much experiences a wholly Kierkegaardian crises of faith. I also love the ambiguity.

Ed Young, Jr: Precious was way too depressing and I didn’t understand the girl’s life. I get Blindside. She is our congregation. I know we will use Up for our sermon series. Balloons baby! We are doing Blindside. I am working out a deal to get Sandra Bullock to come speak that day. District 9 is too heady for a sermon, as is Up In the Air. I will use The Hurt Locker if it wins the Oscar, but no one has seen it, so that Sunday would be a waste. What are the other movies? Pretty artsy, right?

David Dark: How long do I have to express my thoughts on each film? I mean, I am not talking about Avatar or Blindside, but I have written a work on the redemptive traits of the canon of Quentin Tarantino and how those correspond to the historical understanding of Eastern European Gypsy religions. Of course, I am most interested in Tarantino recreating himself as a Golem taking vengeance that the Jews were not able to take upon the Third Reich. Listen, I can tell you were looking for controversial statements and pithy headlines. That’s not really what I do.

Rev. Smith: My wife made me go to see Blindside. I liked it. Sandra Bullock makes a pretty blond. I didn’t see anything else besides Up, when my grandkids brought it over. It was cute, but I didn’t like the chicken creature. Was it a girl? Thought it was a boy until the baby came along. I don’t like gender confusion. I did like the talking dog. That Hurt Locker sounds kinda interesting, but I suppose it has bad language. They always ruin the war films with bad language.

CTT: Any last thoughts?

Mark: If The Hurt Locker wins, it will make the job of every pastor in America even more difficult. Women will assume they can make movies also. I am just kidding. The director isn’t married, so she can do what she wants. Plus, she made Point Break. She is an honorary guy.

Brian: I would encourage everyone to look at the systemic issues at play in each of this year’s movies and think about how each of us can be a cure to these cancers afflicting our beautiful world. In each film, the conflict arises due to one of the 4 global crises. If we can create a new kind of Christianity that actually addresses these factors, then there will only be movies made from our imaginations, not based upon true stories of oppression, inequity, environmental degradation or fear. It is my prayer that films like Precious, District 9, The Hurt Locker, An Eduation, Avatar and Blindside become historical artifacts of a bygone society in which the factors that create these narratives are banished to history and a new Na’vi-like world is created in its place.

Ed Young, Jr: If you are interested in a sermon series based upon this year’s Oscar nominees and winners, please see my website, www.creativepastors.com. I will have sermon outlines, wardrobe ideas, film clips and stage designs for purchase. Our team has also created a special blue paint which does not stain, so you can use it for your Avatar sermon.

David Dark: I would appreciate this being an actual discussion of film next time, and not just an exercise is sound bite collection.

Rev. Smith: Nope.

*actual quote

yes, it is a joke. why would you even ask?

Mark Driscoll's 10 Most Holy Films

The Top 10 Holiest Films, according to Mark Driscoll

10. Mad Max Trilogy- really anything by the Godly role model Mel Gibson. This film is obviously an allegory for the Gospel, with Max’s family as the church led to slaughter by false teachers. Max takes the vengeance of the Lord into his own hands, dispensing justice as a follower of God should.

9. 40 year Old Virgin- The trifecta: Good Sexual Ethics, Bad language and Homophobic jokes.

8. Talladega Nights- Say what you will, they get Jesus spot on!

7. Brave Heart- Jesus wants men like this on his side. However, it is lower on the Holy list because it is so overused by even sissified Christian men.

6. Die Hard- a Godly man, protecting his unrepentant wife/ Jezebel as she leaves her proper place to upset God’s order. As we see from this film, there are consequences when men are not the Head of the Household. An obvious metaphor for the book of Hosea.

5. Book of Eli- This film shows how we need to defend the Holy Bible from its detractors. Where can I get a machete like that to take down the enemies of the Lord? Plus, even I haven’t memorized the ENTIRE Bible.

4. Pulp Fiction- I would have added Kill Bill, which I love but struggle since it is clearly an allegory for Buddhism with a female protag (don’t these women understand their proper place). However, it does kick some serious tail. That said, Pulp Fiction is a call to leave the unrighteous life behind and take up our cross and follow Christ, as Jules chooses. Vincent suffers the consequences of saying No to repentance. It is so clear.

3. The Matrix- Sure some have told us that it is really about Buddhism, but Buddhism is about non-violence and wimpishness. Neo is not such a character in this film (the directors change him in the 2^nd and 3^rd films due to politically correct standards). He is a butt-kicking Christ figure choosing to die for the sins of others and resurrection to return ala Christ in The Book of Revelation. Plus, my friend Chris wrote a book about it.

2. There Will Be Blood- A real man builds a kingdom from his bare hands and will not let Charlatans or false teachers destroy it, even if he has to drink the milkshake of the false teacher (you figure out what that represents). The false teacher/ preacher representing Emergent theology and Pentecostalism is properly dispatched during the film’s climax. I find that a well placed bowling pin would stop manyof today’s false prophets.

1. Fight Club- Could there by another? This is what the Manly Christian life is about, a struggle with our dark sides in which we beat our sinful nature to a pulp… and anyone else that gets in our way!

"I would add Gladiator/ 300- but the theology is obviously polytheistic and the views of the afterlife disallow inclusion because some may see them as recruiting films for ancient Greek and Roman religions. However, we must remember that these films are set in pre-Christian Greece in the case of 300 and in a land in which Christianity was not yet taken hold in the case of Gladiator. Sure, films such as Spartacus, Ben Hur and The Robe deal more explicitly with Christian themes, but sadly, they are not bloody enough. We must remember, even pre-Christian religions took the afterlife seriously and these men act like a good Christian husband/ father should in the face of evil. The practice self-control until the time is right and unleash Holy Hell upon those forces of evil, willing to sacrifice themselves for the nobler cause. These are the opposite of pagan fests like Avatar. But, I cannot add them to the list of Holy films because weaker Christians may see this as justification for non-Christian religions. An obviously Holy work like Passion of the Christ is not here because it needs no analysis.

I also struggle with Titanic because the consequences of premarital sex are dire (but I really hate James Cameron and he offers poor role models for women)."

from the desk/ harddrive of Mark Driscoll.

____________________________

again, chill people. This is satire. By the way, if you are over here because you hate Driscoll and think this proves some of your biases correct, it does not. Like all of us, you included, his views of the world can create moments of great insight and goofy pronouncements. He is just a guy with a big bully pulpit, but no better or worse than anyone else. Man, I hate explaining this stuff because people (Christians) just don't get it.

NOBODY "WASTES" THEIR CANCER

Excuse my little rant. I haven't done this in a while, but this has me fired up

You have probably come across the great AP piece on Pastor Matt Chandler of Village Church in Dallas’ battle with inoperable cancer. It is well done and covers the bases as such article should. Sure, in a major AP piece, it would have been interesting to hear accounts from those that may have a different theological take on suffering, etc. But, I cannot quibble about such a minor thing.

I do take issue with the idea that he is suffering well, when compared to others which is the article’s title (even if I agree that according to his own faith story, he is). While his example is powerful and can lead to a different approach to suffering for some patients, including it may lead to guilt for those that suffer differently (which is not Chanlder’s idea or even the article’s. I believe the title comes from a quote by Mark Driscoll).

What I can quibble about is some of the reaction to Matt Chandler’s cancer, evident in one quote from the article and in the blogosphere (has the phrase “in the blogosphere” ever preceded something positive?). Hastened by John Piper’s Don’t Waste Your Cancer blog posting from a few years ago, they declare Chanlder is not wasting his cancer either. In it, Piper, suffering from cancer at the time, gave 10 teaching points on how one wastes their cancer. While I do not like the semantics behind “Don’t Waste Your Cancer” and find it discourteous that anyone wastes something in which they feel immeasurable pain and the idea of death because their body attacks itself, I gave Piper grace because he speaks out of his own experience. And, I think any cancer patient can say whatever they want to cope and to survive.

However, because of the way Matt Chandler is approaching one of the worst diagnoses fathomable, especially to someone with a young family, with evident reliance upon his faith, family and church, many are saying “he is not wasting his cancer.” Let me explain something as one that has not experienced cancer personally, but has had friends and family diagnosed and die of the disease, and one that through my role as Director of Spiritual Care for a hospice has seen what cancer patients go through as they deal with the end of their lives here on earth… No One Wastes their Cancer. It is not something to waste. It is something that wastes you. Yes, you can approach it with grace, faith and strength, which I hope you do. You can feel as if you are wasting your own cancer, but don’t put in on anyone else!

But, however you deal with your cancer is not for me to judge. You can be angry. You can be depressed. You can scream when the pain comes and you can ask for the most powerful pain medication available. It is your cancer and your burden. You can handle it however you are able. I just hope you don’t give up hope and I hope you find healing (internal and eternal, not necessarily external). I hope you find people to lean on. I hope that you lean directly on God (and as a chaplain, I will help you walk through whatever spiritual understanding you have).

While Matt Chandler is dealing with his cancer in a way true to his belief system and his life pre-cancer, I would not be so arrogant to say that he was wasting it if he had reacted differently than John Piper has. It is his cancer and his reaction and beyond the comprehension or judgment of another human being. Just because he is reacting in a way they like does not mean a hill of beans to anyone else.

I am praying for Matt Chandler. I don’t know him, but we have mutual friends. I am not interested in his theological position or leadership position in the church when I pray for him. I couldn’t care less. He is a man with 3 young children and a wife he is worried about. As a dad of 3 kids below 10, I know enough to feel confident in how to pray for him as a husband and dad. That is all I need to do and know.

In case you are wondering what quotes I am speaking of, here is Mark Driscoll from the AP article, "If he suffers well, that might be the most important sermon he's ever preached." Who decides if he is “suffering well”? Does Driscoll? Do I? How much pressure of “suffering well” according to others does he need?

On his twitter feed,Dr. Al Mohler* says “not wasting his cancer” before retweeting the AP article and another blogger says “Praise God that Chandler is not wasting his cancer” here. I get what they are trying to say, but they putunintentional pressure on every cancer patient to react in a predetermined RIGHT way that may not be how they deal with such a dire diagnosis. Not every Biblical character reacted to life and death issues in the same way and not every person should be expected to act in a way that we (as non cancer patients) decide is RIGHT.

If you want to share the article, talk about his faith and how he responds to suffering but don’t say anything about wasting his cancer or that he is suffering well, when others are not.

*Mohler had a cancer scare a few years ago, so I cut him some slack on this.

Today’s gay Atlanta Residents Caused Atlanta to be destroyed by God (through Sherman) in 1964

Upon hearing news that Advocate magazine has named Atlanta the gayest city in America, Pat Robertson released a statement declaring a retroactive curse upon the city. While this is his first such announcement, Robertson assures his viewers that such curses are regular weapons in God’s arsenal.

“Atlanta has been cursed for being the gayest city in America. In fact, God preemptively cursed the city by sending General William T Sherman to the city in 1864 to burn it to the ground,” said Robertson earlier today. He continued, “God, in his foreknowledge understood that Atlanta would one day embrace an unrepentant gay lifestyle, so he judged it, cursed it and destroyed it almost 150 years before the city would understand the curse. America's God has the option to act unilaterally and preemptively when needed. Today we understand why.”

When asked for comment on other cities God destroyed,especially during Sherman's campaign of destruction, Robertson said he would have to get his research team, comprised of grad students from Regent University, to dig through documents to figure out what God was cursing them for. ABC’s Rock Chinley asked about slavery to which Robertson responded, “that was not the reason for God’s curse. Sure it was the stated reason for Northern aggressors, but the southern states did not understand the issue as we do today. It is much different and God only curses homosexuality, liberalism, Devil Worship and the ACLU."

thanks to my friend Krystal for inspiring the idea for this post

In an attempt to Sway Christian Voters, Obama moves State of the Union away from LOST premiere

After his fiascos surrounding the preemption of the Charlie Brown Christmas special, in which it was brought to light by a Tennessee mayor that President Obama, as a closet Muslim, was intentionally trying to destroy the Christian message, Obama’s spokesman, Robert Gibbs announced today that Obama will not preempt the season debut of LOST for his already scheduled State of The Union address on February 2. Instead, the State of the Union address will be on January 27, according to the White House.

According to Gibbs, “Obama understands the importance of LOST to Christians throughout the United States and after the unfortunate mistake surrounding the Charlie Brown Christmas special, Obama has heeded the advice of his Christian friends, supporters and counselors by changing his address date. It has been difficult to keep up with the scheduling of LOST, since they seem to work hard to make people confused about when it will be on. However, after speaking to head of nighttime programming at ABC, we have chosen to give America what it wants.”

“Why LOST and not another program on another network? is an obvious question," continues Gibbs. “Because the president was given a book entitled The Gospel According to LOST by Christian preacher Chris Seay last week. It is now the president’s understanding that LOST is an obvious presentation of the Christian message. While President Obama values all religious expressions equally, he does not want to offend his Christian friends once more.”

Reverend Brian McLaren, a regular advisor to the president on religious matters confirmed Obama’s desire to reach out to Christians after the “unfortunate Charlie Brown incident.” McLaren did say that this should bring back many of those in the Emerging Church movement who were frustrated by Obama because he had wimped out and acted too conservative on many issues, “they worship LOST even more than they care about their politics or theology.”

Evangelicalism isn't dead- sorry for the misunderstanding

Corrections: It has come to our attention that the report from January 7, 2010 entitled “Obituary for the Emerging Church” was incorrect regarding one fact.

It erroneously reported that the Emerging Church's paternal grandmother, Evangelicalism had died in 2009. This was incorrect.

In fact, Evangelicalism is still alive. In late fall 2009, while frail from incurable brain cancer and early onset dementia, Evangelicalism was brutally attacked by the editors of Patrol magazine in a New York alleyway. The attack was not fatal.

Presently, Evangelicalism is in a persistent vegetative state on a ventilator in a Florida hospice.

Buddhism Drops Tiger Woods, proposes trade for Denzel Washington

Buddhism Drops Sponsorship Deal With Tiger Woods

Dharamsala, India- In an unprecedented show of unity, three of the major schools of Buddhism have come together to announce that their religion will no longer sponsor Tiger Woods, should he return to the PGA tour. Speaking from a hotel in Dharamsala, India, a spokesman for the Dalai Lama announced the news. According to the spokesman, the three major schools of Buddhism, including Theravada (the school Tiger Woods’ mother is affiliated with), Mahayana and Vajrayana have decided that the Dalai Lama, as the public face of all Buddhists (even though he is the head of a relatively small sect of Vajrayana Buddhists) to Americans, should deliver the statement.

The statement is as follows;

“It has come to our attention that many other organizations and groups have severed ties with Tiger Woods following his unfortunate transgressions which were made public in late November, 2009. Like Accenture, AT&T and Gatorade, Buddhism feels that Tiger Woods’ transgressions are not a reflection upon our central tenants and his public image is one that we would like to separate from, as reports indicate he is being courted by other major religions. However, please consider this a suspension. He is not a free agent and we will not let him out of his air tight contract without compensation. Our agent, Scott Boras will be available for question following this event.

While we had never considered Tiger Woods a spokesperson for Buddhism, we feel we must take this step for a number of reasons; 1) Self styled spokesman Richard Gere made us look bad during the 1993 Oscars by asking Americans to channel their energy to their TVs so China would free Tibet. After recovery from that travesty, Steven Seagal’s movie career tanked embarrassing us even more. Needless to say, American celebrities are not the best role models for international Buddhists, 2) studies indicate that Buddhist men cheat on their wives at a lower rate than Christian men, including Protestants and much less than Evangelical Protestants in Public Office, 3) Brit Hume has indicated that Buddhism does not do redemption and forgiveness as well as Christianity. It is true that we do not have Western understandings of sin, individual moral redemption and god. Therefore, if Tiger Woods needs these things, he may want to consider another religion, especially since we did not even know he was a practicing Buddhist. Sure he mediates, but if we acknowledged every single person that meditates, we would be the biggest religion in the world.

By the way, we are older than Christianity. Just sayin’.”

During the question and answer time, the spokesman indicated an interest in a possible trade with Christianity. He has asked that Brit Hume, as the official spokesman for Christianity through his work at Fox News, the only news source for Tibetan Buddhists, please call the Dalai Lama to make arrangements. Buddhists are interest in a straight up trade for Tim Tebow or a Tiger Woods and Steven Seagal for Denzel Washington trade, especially if his new Christian movie is very good.

Press Statement from Mark Driscoll concerning his Steroid Usage

I have just intercepted this press release from 2015.

Statement to Members of the Press

From Mars Hill Church, Seattle, Washington. (January 12, 2015).

Due to rumors surrounding the use of performance enhancing drugs among pastors during the past 2 decades, the elders of Mars Hill Church, including Pastor Emeritus Mark Driscoll, have chosen to address this issue at this time.

From Pastor Mark:

“Now that I have retired from the pastorate to become Commissioner of Ultimate Christian Fighting®, an organization I started with the leaders of Acts 29 in 2011 to introduce young men to a more muscular version of Christianity, I have the chance to do something that I wish I was able to do a few years ago.

I never knew when, but I always knew this day would come. It's time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected. I used steroids during my preaching career and I apologize. Now, understand, I never used steroids personally and never consumed them in my body. My body is the product of good genes, hours in a gym, beer and naturally high levels of testosterone (I have stated before and will continue to state that Jesus had the highest levels of testosterone in human history). The steroids I used were injected directly into 3 areas; 1) My Bible, 2) The Gospel itself, 3) My preaching and writing.

I remember trying steroids very briefly in the 1996 church planting assessments in my preaching only and then after I saw how disturbingly wimpy emerging Christianity was becoming in 1999, I used steroids again, this time directly infusing my Bible with them. I used them on regularly throughout the Aughts, including during the days surrounding controversies with other preachers when I questioned their sexuality. My statement surrounding the fact that I could not follow a Jesus I could beat up was influenced by a steroid influenced Gospel, as was my preaching, teaching and commentary related to sex, sexuality and women’s issues. My Bible was completely addicted to these unnaturally high levels of testosterone.

While steroids have been rumored in the areas of my preaching directly related to my usage of harsh language and profanity before my repentance of such childishness, I would like to remind readers of this statement I am Irish and I did watch a lot of Chris Rock.

I wish I had never preached a steroid influenced Gospel. It was foolish and it was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had never pastored during the steroid era. I watched as many good pastors and theologians decided to emasculate Jesus and turn him into our sissified best friend. I saw liberal theology seeping into the pores of our schools and the young men becoming preachers. I saw God turned into a servant for our desires and a Gospel that no longer took sin seriously. Because of that, I turned to steroids. I am embarrassed for what I did, but my heart was as pure as the heart of a reformed person, sinful at birth and dead in that sin, although saved by grace alone can be (TULIP still rocks!).

Preaching is really different now -- it's been cleaned up. God and the theological unions implemented testing and they cracked down, and I'm glad they did. I'm grateful to the elders of Mars Hill and the board of directors at Ultimate Christian Fighting® for testing my Gospel and Biblical understanding, as well as my old sermon streams (can you believe people still use youtube?) before confronting me. Yes, there was outside pressure, which I usually ignore. But, my mentors would not let it go. It is nice, as I get older to walk into a church and not need to worry about the language of the pastor, whether or not he will goop (so much better than tweeting, hah) in 25 characters some insult towards others, and not have the ladies of my life insulted.

I do need to apologize to many of the young men that followed me on twitter, watched and listened to my sermons, came to Acts 29 events and worshiped my church and its teachings. They decided that they could do everything that I did. I truly believe that many people were hurt by their reckless usage of a steroid influenced gospel. In fact, I did not know that these followers were so immature that they would merely copy me without using their own brains. I should have been a better role model. They should have not been working their own anger issues out in front of their churches. This morning via conference tweet I spoke to many of those young men I have influenced throughout the years through my preaching and teaching of a steroid influenced Gospel. They were noticeably upset. As they are tested, please be gentler on them than they were on their congregations.

I want to say thank you to John Piper for always giving me a hard time about my Gospel testosterone levels, to my children (girls included), wife, and to my Acts 29 teammates. I want to make sure wives know that they do not need to be hot and keep up to magazine standards to keep their husbands from straying (although it does help) and you don’t have to do absolutely anything your husband wants you to do sexually. I also want people to know Jesus does have a sensitive side also. However, it is still a sin to drink lite beer.

After all this time, I want to come clean. I was not in a position to do that five years ago in my interviews with Christianity Today, but now I feel an obligation to discuss this and to answer questions about it.

I'll do that, and then I just want to help my team."

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT: XXXXXXXXXXXXX

PHONE: XXX-XXX-XXXX

Date of release: January 12, 2015

Caveat: note to followers of Mark Driscoll and others that take themselves and their fiefdoms way too seriously, please note that I just made fun of your enemy (the Emerging Church). I make fun of things. It is what I do. I know Mark. We have had good times together in the past, usually surrounding mutual loves of Jesus, baseball, cigars and beer. I doubt he would be offended by my gentle poking.