What Rob Bell's next step really is

After much soul searching, I have decided to end this blog’s primary function as outlet for my weirdness. Instead, I realize there is a much needed service to the Church. While Christianity Today and other outlets report on the facts, what we need now is a rumor, innuendo and gossip blog. Of course, that is unacceptable, so officially this will be a

PRAYER and CONCERN for Church Leadership blog.

First order of business is getting to the bottom of the “Rob Bell leaves resigns from his church” media storm (ok, not a storm, since the Christian world is pretty small).

Christianity Today shared the resignation letter:

Feeling the call from God to pursue a growing number of strategic opportunities, our founding pastor Rob Bell, has decided to leave Mars Hill in order to devote his full energy to sharing the message of God's love with a broader audience.

It is with deeply mixed emotions that we announce this transition to you. We have always understood, encouraged, and appreciated the variety of avenues in which Rob's voice and the message of God's tremendous love has traveled over the past 12 years. And we are happy and hopeful that as Rob and Kristen venture ahead, they will find increasing opportunity to extend the heartbeat of that message to our world in new and creative ways.

Of course, this is the official story. I have been on the phone all day and can report on some of the possibilities, rumors and gossip that a publication like Christianity Today is too scared to print. Here are the possibilities, followed by the thoughts of your fearless reporter.

1. According to his personal trainer, Rob Bell has resigned from Mars Hill Church to become a Mixed Martial Arts fighter. After one too many insults from the likes of Mark Driscoll and his manly minions, Rob has chosen to take the time he has used for Bible Study in the past to take his body to new heights, preparing for a late Spring date with Mark Driscoll on the Church Channel’s new reality show, UFP (Ultimate Fighting Pastor). He plans to take down Dirscoll, followed in short order by Perry Noble, before taking down the entire Acts 29 leadership in a cage match.

Upon winning, Bell will take control of Mars Hill, Seattle and return to the pastorate as leader of the new multi-site congregation, Mars Hill, America. “I am planning on showing Driscoll what Hell on Earth feels like,” is what he told his trainer.

There is no verification of this by independent sources.

2. I spoke earlier today with a realtor in the tony Naples island suburb of Marco Island, home to Bell’s hero and mentor, Brian McLaren. He told me that a bespectacled man from Michigan is hoping to by a large home in McLaren’s neighborhood. According to other sources, Bell is moving closer to McLaren to learn how to make a living as a supposedly heretical Evangelical writer.

3. There is no truth to the rumor that Rob Bell is behind the recent break up of R.E.M., even though Stipe was seen boarding a flight to Grand Rapids the same day as the announcement. Bell continually brings up the fact that he was a great musician and possible rock star in interviews. Although, he has expressed interest in starting a band after retirement, there is no independent verification that he is actually any good at music.

4. A spokesman at Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis, MN has told this reporter that Bell stepped down to become a member of BBC under the leadership of John Piper. “Piper reached out to Bell after the Love Wins controversy. Upon seeing the error of his ways, Bell decided to step down from the pulpit and come under the tutelage of a real theologian and pastor.

Again, no independent verification.

5. Wanting to study the doctrine of hell more closely and get a handle on what hell is really like, Bell has decided to run for Congress and move to D.C.

6. There is no truth to the rumor that he will be taking over Apple. This was of great concern to the Calvinists that use Macs.

7. CT's Andy Crouch tells me that Rob has left Mars Hill to focus on his new full-time endeavor, ignoring controversy and not responding. Crouch says, "Rob felt the church took his focus off ignoring outside opinion. It is a fulltime job to not listen to the criticism by haters."

8. One rumor that has been verified is this: Grand Rapids is a cultural backwater and miserable place to live that sucks in the winter. Bell is rich enough to get out of the dying city and state before his congregants figure out that they hate living in Grand Rapids as much as he does.

Vegas odds on where he moves are:

2-1 New York City
3-1 Los Angeles
6-1 Arizona in a trade to take over new pastor Shane Hipps’ former church
25-1 Seattle to live next door to Mark Driscoll
Even- the outskirts of Chicago in 2 years to take over Willow Creek
10-1 Florida

Other Proposed Resolutions for Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) 2010

In an effort to stay relevant in American society, the Southern Baptist Convention has begun a new program called the Great Commission Resurgence to redouble its commitment to evangelism and church growth, giving 110%, instead of the 105% they had been giving during the past decades. As anyone that follows sports knows, 105% is the same as 10% and results in never winning, especially in church growth.

One of the main ways Southern Baptists have stayed relevant in American society is through their use of resolutions at their yearly convention. These resolutions bring debate over contentious and hot button issues to the masses and allow for Baptists to inform the world of how they feel about specific subjects, therefore “taking a stand” and “keeping it real” as they communicate the love and grace of God to a world in need of it (oh, and God’s wrath and judgment also).

During the past 100 years Southern Baptists have made the evening news with classic (I will give a Top 10 list of my favorite REAL resolutions later this week) resolutions like Boycott of Disney in 1996. This year, we have a few new resolutions destined to make future Baptists proud and the world go, huh?

Making sure the world knows where they stand on every issue; here are the Top 10 Resolutions for Discussion at 2010 Southern Baptist Convention in Orlando:

10. As previously mentioned in this blog: Resolution to Boycott “painter” Thomas Kinkade in light of his recent arrest for DUI.

9. As previously mentioned: Resolution to Invite Big 12 schools into the Southern Baptist Convention.

8. Resolution to add heavier menu items to Tea Party Rallies throughout the nation. Says Albert Mohler, “we know the Tea Party movement is largely led by Southern Baptists and their friends. However, we believe the idea of a tea party is fairly childish and effeminate and ask to add Fried Chicken and Macaroni Salad, along with sweet tea to the menu for all rallies. We are considering a proposal to change the name to Sweet Tea Party movement thereby reflecting an important segment of the demographic of this important movement.”

7. Resolution to add to the Baptist Faith in Message, 2000 an addendum explaining that, “while the offices of pastor and deacon are explicitly male, as spelled out clearly in Scripture, a woman may be elected President of the United States and hold that office with support of Southern Baptist voters, if she holds the following criteria: she is Republican, she is evangelical, she is pretty hot for her age, she is not married to a former president.” Current prohibitions for pastors and deacons are still in effect for all other women.

6. Resolution to ask Congress to consider changes to the military policy of “Don’t Ask: Don’t Tell.” While many are hoping for a different change of this policy, Southern Baptists are concerned than overturning it will lead to Baptist Chaplains right to free speech taken from them. They will no longer be able to name this sin if the US Military allows The Gays to serve with impunity. The SBC will resolve to change the policy to “Do Ask: Do Tell: Do Tell Them They Are Going to Hell.”

5. Resolution to ask the Gores to seek family counseling and repair their marriage. Says Mohler, “even as a godless Democrat who cares about the earth way too much, we want to see Al Gore and his wife live their lives together and hope and pray for their reconciliation.”

4. Resolution to encourage Lifeway to consider Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged as central curriculum for Vacation Bible School in 2012.

3. Resolution to dismiss all Mayan and Hollywood claims the world will end in 2012 as bogus examples of New Age philosophy, paganism and postmodern hokum in which all Apocalyptic claims outside the parameters of Biblical literature are given a voice in our highly “spiritual but not religious” society of tolerance for all besides those giving the truth of Revelation. An addendum by Acts 29 Baptist pastors to reprimand John Cusack for his participation in this film, while praising him for all other roles was summarily dismissed by the Executive Committee.

2. Resolution to boycott Sex in the City 2 as not only an immoral film pushing promiscuity, alcoholism, hedonism and a homosexual agenda, but also an awful movie that was not even funny. We will consider a resolution condemning Transformers 3 next year for being even worse.

1. Resolution to commend Glenn Beck for standing up to the left-wing Sojourners organization and Jim Wallis and his insistence that Social Justice is a mark of Christianity. Social and Economic redistribution of resources, while a mark of the early church, are not central tenants of modern American Baptist Christianity and not within our Baptist Faith and Message, 2000. While churches may choose to give money and help to the poor, they are not to advocate politically except on issues of morality, such as abortion, taxation, Federalism, school vouchers, homosexuality, the 2^nd Amendment, Islamic invasions and the heredity of the President.

The resolution to ignore the Emerging Church movement as inconsequential and unworthy of discussion was tabled until 2011.

If you want to see what kind of resolutions Southern Baptists are really considering this week, Big Daddy Weave is actually helpful (as opposed to me, which is not).

Southern Baptists extend invitation to University of Texas and other Big 12 schools

Resolution concerning Expansion of Southern Baptist Convention and the Kingdom of God through the Great Commission Resurgence and Conference Realignment

June 15, 2010

WHEREAS, Historically, Southern Baptists have resisted ecumenism while embracing Christian brotherhood and cooperation with other groups representing Christianity and

WHEREAS, We have witnessed in recent years the portrayal of denominations as barriers to be overcome on the road to unity; and

WHERAS, WE have seen millions of college age Christians leave the faith of their parents behind while studying for future employment and enjoying college sporting events; and

WHEREAS, Southern Baptists must be radically committed to the expansion of the Kingdom of God and the influence of the Southern Baptist Convention by new and innovative means in the face of post-modernity and the increasing hostility to Biblical Christianity, including the Great Commission Resurgence; and

WHEREAS, Southern Baptist influence is strongest in the region of the country under the dominion of the Southeastern Conference (SEC) and Big 12 Conference; and

WHEREAS, interlopers representing Hedonistic interests of the Secular PAC 10 and the Catholic Rust Belt controlled Big 10 have begun to expand their reach into regions under the jurisdiction of the BIG 12 and Southern Baptists, stealing universities from non-SBC strongholds Colorado and Nebraska; and

WHEREAS, True Biblical unity can only be realized in the bond of truth, and never at the expense of Biblical truth; Now, therefore,

BE IT RESOLVED, That the Southern Baptist Convention meeting, June 15-17, 2010, in Orlando, FL, urges the Boards and Agencies of the Southern Baptist Convention to offer membership into the Southern Baptist Convention to the University of Texas, Texas A&M, Oklahoma, Texas Tech, Missouri and Oklahoma State, as well as maintaining the historic position of Southern Baptists as they cooperate with various other groups in appropriate evangelistic enterprises, and on issues of justice, morality, religious liberty, education and FOOTBALL both at home and abroad; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That inclusion of the Baylor University, a Texas Baptist affiliated university, is dependent upon both obedience to the doctrines of the Southern Baptist Message and Faith, 2000 and the improvement of its football program; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That inclusion of the University of Kansas, Kansas State University and Iowa State University into the Southern Baptist Convention’s expansion plans is dependent upon greater success in football, as the expense of “urban” sports such as basketball; And

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the Southern Baptist Convention membership urges the Southeastern Conference (SEC) to consider membership and inclusion of the new SBC related college programs at its next Annual Meeting, and that the previous BIG 12 prayerfully considers the offer from both the Southern Baptist Convention and SEC.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That such efforts not commit Southern Baptists to any organizational or long-term relationship which would risk possible compromise of historic distinctive or the unique witness of Southern Baptists to the world and football related activities; and

FINALLY, BE IT RESOLVED, That we encourage Southern Baptists to maintain their commitment to the SouthEastern Conference (SEC) by giving priority in time, talent and resources to the work of this football and Christianity influenced region.

SBC resolution on Thomas Kinkade's DUI

Digging through the stacks of resolutions at this year's Southern Baptist Convention meeting in Orlando, I stumbled across this resolution, in wake of "painter" Thomas Kinkade's recent DUI arrest.

Resolution on Thomas Kinkade’s DUI and SBC memberships ownership of his paintings

WHEREAS, Southern Baptists have for many over ten years have enjoyed and trusted Thomas Kinkade’s paintings of light which have reinforced basic Christian American virtues and values; and

WHEREAS, The virtues promoted by Kinkade have contributed to the development of an industry in which Christians are willing to express their faith through the display of landscapes extolling those values with the inclusion of wonderfully lit churches, homes and schools; and

WHEREAS, in recent days, Thomas Kinkade has given the appearance that the promotion of alcohol consumption is more important than his historic commitment to traditional family values, haven taken a direction which is contrary to the prohibition of alcohol consumption by Christians; and

WHEREAS, in recent days, Thomas Kinkade has been arrested under the suspicion of driving while under the influence of alcohol in California, a notoriously liberal state in need of God’s judgment; and

WHEREAS , This and other decisions and actions represent a significant departure from a Christian family-values image, and a gratuitous insult to Baptists who have long supported Kinkade’s painting career and contributed to his corporate profits; and

WHEREAS, Boycotts are a legitimate method for communicating moral convictions; now, therefore,

BE IT RESOLVED, We as Southern Baptist messengers meeting in annual session on June 15-17, 2010, go on record expressing our deep disappointment for these actions by Thomas Kinkade; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That we encourage Southern Baptists to give serious and prayerful reconsideration to their purchase and support of Thomas Kinkade products, and to boycott The Thomas Kinkade Company and stores if he continues alcohol consumption, including the destruction of previously owned paintings and prints; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That we encourage the Christian Life Commission to monitor Kinkade’s progress in returning to a lifestyle of tee-totaling; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That we encourage state Baptist papers and national Southern Baptist publications to assist in informing the Southern Baptist family of these issues; and

FINALLY, BE IT RESOLVED, That the Convention requests the Executive Committee to send a copy of this resolution to Thomas Kinkade and to encourage the Southern Baptist family to support this boycott with our purchasing power, letters and influence.

in case you are wondering, the text of this is very similar to the 1996 SBC Resolution to Boycott Disney

realignment fever is not just for colleges. It is for churches, too.

Orlando- The past few weeks have seen a flurry of activity among NCAA universities as the Big 10 began the present flurry of activity of mascot trading among athletic conferences. Power conferences such as the Big 10 and Pac-10 attempt to expand their horizons into new territories in a Jabez-esque fashion while the Big 12 fails to keep the hordes of marauding orcs of the Sauron-like commissioners of those conferences outside their gates. In its typically copycat fashion, the Christian church has chosen to respond in similar fashion.

At a recent meeting of the leaders of the Gospel Coalition and Southern Baptist Convention in advance of the SBC meeting in Orlando, FL, possible expansion was discussed. It is believed that the Gospel Coalition, consisting of SBC pastors, as well as those of other conservative denominations and mega-church pastors like Josh Harris and Mark Driscoll, is willing to allow itself to move to this powerful conference. However, negotiations hit snags on 2 main issues, Infant Baptism and alcohol.

The SBC has offered membership to all Gospel Coalition represented churches, even those that practice Infant Baptism. However, each of these churches must show willingness to change its view on alcohol consumption. Convention spokesman, Lewis Granger told reporters, “We are willing to take the bold step of offering membership to practitioners of infant baptism for the sake of expanding our membership base and creating new revenue sources coming from an increased number of churches. However, we will not release our convictions that alcohol consumption, while not specifically banned in the Bible, is wrong. No increase in numbers of young people will change that. Plus, as we know, they can still drink. They just keep it on the down low.”

Gospel Coalition members from Presbyterian churches, as well as Mars Hill Church in Seattle have released a statement that they will not join the new expanded SBC. Instead they will create a mega-conference with the American Anglican Church, Presbyterian Church in America, the Origins network and conservative branches of mainline denominations in which alcohol consumption is not forbidden. Invitations are to be extended next week.

Seeing these realignments as a threat to their existence, the Emerging Church networks have chosen to formalize membership and admit to its Liberal leanings by creating a new conference (“we are not a denomination,” explains spokesman Steve Knight). The groundwork has been laid in the past, but invitations will be given to major US denominations, including the Presbyterian Church(USA), United Methodist Church, United Church of Christ and non-Southern Baptist baptist groups. Hopes are growing amongst the leaders of these groups.

Says Knight, “We expect to compete in the future with the mega-SBC and Gospel/ Beer Coalition for book deals, events as well as people. As you may know, our openness on pretty much every subject, besides social justice, ecumenism and economic redistribution make us attractive to anyone left of center on anything. We have asked most African American denominations to join, but our lack of relevance to their daily lives leads them to consider staying put. We will keep asking, and keep growing.” When asked if invitations will be extended to Sojourners, leaders of the new Emerged Church Conference were coy, due to recent incidents related to diversity.

Christianity Today’s Andy Crouch believes this is just the beginning of a complete overhaul of the denominational structure of the United States. “Don’t be surprised to see some of the groups consider aligning with those groups they were historically predisposed to hate, like the SBC and Catholics or Mormons. I expect groups like the Emerged Church to join forces with Reformed Judaism and Buddhism. However, their overtures to Islam will be rebuffed. Islam does not need them as it expands on its own.”

Free agents like Rob Bell, Donald Miller and Tim Keller are yet to announce their future plans, leading to speculation they will begin their own conference.

Family Research Council Celebrates Rush Limbaugh's 4th Marriage

Press Release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: June 6, 2010
CONTACT: _________________, (866) FRC-NEWS

Family Research Council joins with Focus on the Family and the Christian Coalition in Congratulating Rush Limbaugh on the occasion of his 4^th Marriage

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Family Research Council joins with other family values organizations, including the Traditional Values Coalition, Focus on the Family, the Christian Coalition and the Eagle Forum in celebrating the recent marriage of pro-family values proponent Rush Limbaugh.

This is the fourth time Mr. Limbaugh has consecrated himself to the most sacred of institutions, the marriage of a heterosexual man to a heterosexual woman, both of Christian stock. Limbaugh, 59, married Kathryn Rogers, 33 at a beautiful wedding extolling the primacy of Christ while Elton John sang Candle in the Wind and Rocketman to the 400 guests, most of whom represented traditional Christian/ American values like marriage, free market capitalism and heterosexuality. The guest list included Rudy Giuliani (entered the sacred covenant of marriage 3 times), Newt Gingrich (entered the covenant 3 times), Sean Hannity, Mark Sanford, John Ensign and Larry Craig.

Mr. Limbaugh has supported the same family friendly agenda advocated by Family Research Council and been a friend and supporter of traditional values for decades. His former wives have also supported our many causes. He and Gingrich have been at the forefront of reminding America that it is strengthened by Family and Faith (along with military power, guns, lower taxes and free-market capitalism) serving on numerous committees and boards dealing with Covenant Marriage and other such endeavors. Each has become a revered expert on what it takes for marriage to work. We are proud to call such Family Men our friends.

Elton John’s performance at the wedding has caused controversy among many other conservative groups. However, John is not a supporter of gay marriage, only civil unions, which are opposed by the FRC. However, he is British. We cannot expect Christian values from those in Godless Europe. Also, the music of Elton John is popular among the staff at the FRC, as long as it is freely downloaded and no resources are put in the pocket of those with a gay agenda.

Area resident and former Republican congressman Mark Foley (gay) was barred from the wedding at the request of traditional values leadership.

intercepted memo regarding Spirituality in Film and TV

CONFIDENTIAL MEMO. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

Dear Hayden,

As you know we are in the midst of a crisis around the studios of the Entertainment Industrial Complex today. With the loss of our signature Pseudo-Spiritual Entertainment (PSE) franchise, LOST, we need to find a new one NOW! I am getting calls from many advertisers, and, as you know, we are in the business of selling things, not making enlightenment available to all suckers seekers.

Our fear is that, since there is a vacuum right now, it could be filled by something truly spiritual or transcendent, instead of one of our PSEs which are verifiably proven through years of market research and tight formulization to manifest the highest possible profit margin, even though the number of participants in relatively low, through the use of this open-ended quasi-spiritual mumbo jumbo that can be interpreted in any way the viewer chooses. If we don’t fill the void, something else will, and precious dollars and energy will be lost (and given to someone else).

You may not know how we have done this in the past, but we found this formula by accident in the 90s with The X-Files. Had there been no internet, this phenomenon would have subsided quickly; as it did with Twin Peaks (can we start discussions for a reboot on this?). However, young Christians and spiritual seekers latched on to the show like a baby to its mother’s breast. They created forums, websites, tributes, books and academic papers.

When we created that show, it was meant to scare people and keep them coming back through a serialized format. However, that stupid poster of the UFO an intern brought in from his brother’s college dorm room (you know who that intern is now? That is correct. He helmed Final Destination III.) with the words “I Want to Believe” made these Christians and other religious types think there was some sort of Spiritual Point to the show. Once we noticed it, we pushed it forward. They bought in hook-line-and-sinker. This was our first official PSE. We had not perfected the formula, as we did with LOST. It did go off the rails, because we had no experience. Of course, the Millennium experiment was our first causality. But, to create an omelet, you must break some eggs.

Around this time, the Wachowskis were shopping around that dumb video game movie. Seriously, they had Keanu Reeves as the lead. What a joke. Anyway, one of my studio heads shared the PSE idea with them. They loved it, threw in a stew of different religious symbols (Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism and a few more), renamed the lead character Neo (The One)- his original name was Buzz- and had him die and be reborn. Next thing you know Buddhists are talking about it and Christians are latching on to it as some sort of Christ metaphor (seriously, name a movie without a Christ figure) just cause we knew they would love it when Neo died and was reborn (I was thinking of Phoenix from the X-Men comics myself, not Jesus). They wrote books, had sermon series, college classes and created entire curriculums. Hell, there have been dissertations on this film- and it stars Keanu Reeves. Brilliant!

We realized this is gold. But, like the story goes, we went to the well too much with The Matrix. We threw too many religions into the mix and ruined the gumbo on the last 2. This told us we needed a beginning and an end. It also told us that we don’t really need coherence, as long as there is mystery. See, with mystery and a lot of religious crap (churches, light, crosses, doves, candles, Christ figures, martyrdom, redemption, crises of faith), you can sell anything. Just don’t be too obvious. That is why Passion of The Christ worked with the greater population but not with these young Christians, Jews and spiritual seeker types. They don’t want anything handed to them in an obvious manner (not even their own Bible and faith). They want to be strung along (they call it journey, narrative and story), which is good for us. You can wring a lot more out of someone if you keep him strung along for years. The tobacco industry taught us that oneJ

Hence, LOST. The formula, when created according to specifications, is foolproof. Coherence and character development are not needed. Just mystery on top of mystery with a few answers in the midst of the MacGuffins and Red Herrings. Need proof? You have seen Contact (made while formula was still in development), The X-Men movies (heck most of the superhero genre), Battlestar Galactica, Book of Eli (anything post-apocalyptic), Signs, The Village and Avatar. They are all stops on the journey to perfection (I think our PIXAR division is the closest).

Please understand, the formula can be tweaked. We tweaked it for The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, 24 (it works with politics also). Some of the tweaked film successes are The Potter series, The Truman Show, Gattaca and Magnolia (the smart Christians saw through American Beauty). It even works with music. They love this mystical spiritual, could be talking about God or my girlfriend, but with religious symbolism pabulum. Have you heard Coldplay? We are trying a bluegrass version right now called Mumford and Sons. They are better than Coldplay, but who can tell what they are talking about? That is the point. Anything you want. We call the musical concoction The Bono. Of course, if you mix The Bono with The Springsteen, the gold standard is achieved (Arcade Fire).

However, if you are too obvious you get Superman Returns or Heroes. If you mess with it too much you get The Happening, Jericho or Flash Forward. Oops.

And that is what leads us to where we are at this moment. We need a new PSE. There are some pilots in the works and Coldplay has an album this year. On the movie front we have coming this year, The Last Airbender, Inception and Jonah Hex, but all are risky endeavors. However, nothing strings people along like television. We need a meeting like, last week. Set something up with the heads of all divisions and all networks. I am getting calls from potential advertisers like Target, Honda, Fed Ex and Coke demanding a new product.

Sincerely,

S. S.

Ways LOST could end

I don't watch the show, but I have seen a lot of TV. Here are my thoughts on how LOST could end:

1. Star Matthew Fox will wake up, shower and walk downstairs… and on to the set of Party of 5, as star Charlie Salinger. He will then tell the rest of that cast, including Neve Campbell and Jennifer Love Hewitt about this weird dream he had last night (which entails all 5 seasons of LOST). The final episode will end with “Closer to Free” by the BoDeans.
2. It will end with the main characters airlifted off the island. An “other” will be left standing there. They will look down and the word “Goodbye” will be spelled out in shells and coconuts. They will smile at each other knowingly.
3. The living characters will sit in a New Jersey diner with Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” rolling over the end credits.
4. The screen will pan out. We will see the LOST Island is really a diorama of an island in the hands of a young autistic boy, sharing his school project. The whole thing has been in his brain.
5. Everyone will die on the island besides 1 (I am not telling you who). He will then find a package from Fed Ex with a volleyball he names Wilson. He will then talk to the volleyball for an inordinately long period of time. He will eventually fashion a craft and escape the island. He will deliver another Fed Ex package to a single lady and be happy, even though all his friends are dead. A Coldplay song will play over the ending.
6. The remaining characters will take a celebratory 3 hour cruise on the SS Minnow with a skipper and first mate. They will be restranded on the same island setting up a spin off. This time it will be a comedy.
7. It will be an alternate universe setting up a future as seen in JJ Abrams Star Trek. Kate Austin will end up marrying Tiberious Kirk, thereby becoming the great-great-great-great grandmother of James T. Kirk.
8. The monster from JJ Abrams’ film Cloverfield is really living on the island. It will escape. Everyone will die. A Ronnie James Dio song will play over the ending. It was a prequel to his movie.
9. The remaining characters will be flying back to the island, but make a stopover in Latham, MA due to a small crisis on the plane. They will witness a carjacking and refuse to help. They will be arrested under a new ordinance which demands bystanders help those in need. During a trial, they will be visited by former islanders, all living normal lives. They will then be prosecuted and sentenced to 1 year in prison. The finale will suck.
10. Fox Mulder will be called in to investigate. He will believe the stories. Scully will be skeptical. We will learn it was all a plot of a shadow US government perpetrated by the smoking man. Nothing will be answered and everyone will be disappointed. A movie will be planned but no one will care because they have moved on to other things.

The real ending:

C’mon, you know they all really died on the plane crash and this is purgatory.

What you didn’t know about the show:

1. Being a former Scientologist, JJ Abrams has really been creating a metaphor for the religion. Those on the LOST Island are really representing those who attempt to escape the clutches of Scientology with the consequences usually dire. He had to keep it hidden because Tom Cruise would be really mad. All the crazy things in the show are really basic tenants of Ron Hubbard theology. It is really pretty obvious.

An Interview with The Earth

Interviewer: First of all I would like to thank you for taking the time to speak to me. Should I call you Earth, Gaia or Mother Nature?

Earth: I don’t really care. My friends call me Suzanne. I really liked the tune by Leonard Cohen and let the other planets know this would be my new name.

Interviewer: Well, Suzanne, we are here on the occasion of the 40^th Earth Day, our annual celebration of you. First of all- Happy Earth Day!

Earth: Thanks. Did you bring me any flowers? I like flowers and compost. The candies are wrapped in pretty toxic wrapping.

Interviewer: Do you have any thoughts on Earth Day?

Earth: It reminds me of every other human holiday, well without the cards. At least some of you do give me the flowers. I have heard Christians complain about all the non-practicing Christians that show up for Easter and then forget about church and Jesus every other day. It kinda feels like that. Suddenly people take the bus or write a proclamation, or even worse, someone like Exxon puts a green symbol on its website. They think I don’t notice how crappy they behave every other day, but I do. I guess I appreciate the 1 day. Of course, I would like a whole month.

Interviewer: So, Earth Day is like Easter?

Earth: Actually, Earth Day Is more like Valentine’s Day. I am the longsuffering girlfriend and you “humans’ are the bad boyfriend. One day per year you guys tell me how sexy I am, hoping you will get lucky and I will let you stay. The rest of the year you are a bunch of cheating slobs that won’t pick up after yourselves and you just trash the house. Plus, you kick my pets around. Then you come around and say “I’m sorry baby. I will treat you better. I forgot how special you were. Here honey. Can I get you some nice organic veggies today?” And then tomorrow its back to the same old behavior. If I thought it was worth it, I would get you guys on the Marriage Ref or Dr. Phil.

Heck, even NASA is flirting with Mars continually. Like Mars would be interested in Earthlings. She already ridded herself of lifeforms a long time ago.

You actually think I could not live without you. Hmmmph. I could replace you with chimps and dolphins on the top of the chain any day of the week. They are just about as smart and clean up after themselves. At least the dolphins do. You are nothing a good flood would not handle.

Interviewer: That brings me to a touchy subject. Lately things have gotten a bit crazy. It seems as if we are getting more earthquakes, flooding, volcanic activity and bigger storms. Some say it is due to global warming, others say El Nino, while still others say God is bringing the end of the world.

Earth: You guys are always saying it is the end of the world. Heck, you have been saying that since you could fashion words into sentences. “Oh, Ice Age, Big Flood, turn of a century.” It is the end of the world every day. Look, I am not saying anything conclusive. But, if you had a really crappy roommate or significant other that was always paying the rent late, trashing your house or was continually unfaithful, would you eventually want to kick that roommate or significant other out?

Interviewer: Are you saying that all of these natural disasters are a concerted effort to kill us?

Earth: Are you saying that you guys have not been trying to kill me? I hear what some of you say? “Survival of the fittest” and “dominion of the earth.” Yeah, well you started it.

Interviewer: Any thoughts on Global Climate Change?

Earth: Yes. You keep turning up the thermostat, eventually it breaks.

Interviewer: Well, is there anything we can do to stay?

Earth: Clean up after yourselves and I will think about it. Just shut up and stop trying to win some battle against me. I will kick your asses any day… and then dolphins rule. Just watch your backs if you keep up this behavior.

2 Perfect Christian Conferences

Taking cues from other conference directors and creators, I am going into the business of creating and managing events. It should work well for me. I have put together multiple events during my life and used to be a concert promoter. In fact, I am partnering with a friend in Tampa Bay to put on next week’s Sustainable Faith conference in St. Pete featuring Shane Claiborne, Doug Pagitt and Danielle Shroyer. It should be a great event.

As I try to create my own brand of conferences I have decided to move towards absolute perfection. Too many of these conferences are trying for absolute diversity but failing miserably. Last year, friends put on such a conference in which all the speakers were women. This year, the main conference happening in a few weeks is diverse, but still over populated by men with beards (I called it the Beards of Theology event). I just received an email concerning an event in Atlanta this fall that attempts diversity. The main speakers are an African American woman, a Native American man and a white guy. This is good, but don’t women hold a higher percentage in the USA? Not, 100% like that conference I mentioned, but something like 51%-49% (I am not actually looking it up).

So, here are 2 conference ideas. The first is for progressive, emerging, Social Justice Christians. It takes a lot of work and will get me very little money since they demand everything be free or discounted (each wants an insider deal and is a poor Democrat). To make up for it, I will put on the perfect Reformed Evangelical Christian conference. I can charge a lot of money (the advantage of high salaries, big church budgets and Republicanism) with very little work.

IDEA #1

CATYLATE or CATYL8

Cost: $9.99

Location: still looking at UCC churches and seminaries in mid-major cities

21 speakers

11 female/ 10 male

8 White

4 African American

4 Latino (representing Mexican, Caribbean, Central and South American ethnicities)

3 Asian (representing Korean and Chinese, along w/ another)

1 multi-ethnic (hopefully Jewish or Arab in there- preferable both)

1 Native American

5 will be Gay or Lesbian

10 former Evangelicals (at least 2 former Baptists, 2 former Charismatics, 3 former fundies from Liberty or a Bible college)

5 mainliners

2 Catholics

4 other faith traditions

Presently, as I try to determine speakers, I realize that I need some people to play multiple parts with the coupe de grace being someone representative of 3 groupings. This is harder than trying to make the seedings for the NCAA tournament.

Music will be led by a good natured bearded folk singer with “edgy” lyrics about doubt and never-ending crescendos… and his girlfriend.

Each talk will be 18 minutes because TED is 20 and we want to be even better than TED. Topics include How to Be Liked by Everyone that is not a Closed Minded Fundamentalist,

What churches can learn from the spirituality and community building in dolphin communities, in a pluralistic age, why Christianity is not really superior to other religions, but kinda is, Post-Colonialism is not just a catchphrase, it actually means something,

Social Media: a Force for Good or a force for Great, Open Source Theology Using a Closed Source Technology, Life After Jesus and Why Everything we Ever Learned in Church is Wrong and the TV show LOST is Right, along with a discussion of Why Shane Claiborne, Rob Bell and anyone too successful aren’t really in our camp.

Since I will undoubtedly lose money on this, unless I can get everyone to come for free and get some suckers to sponsor it,J I still need to make some bank. For that, here is the perfect Conservative, Reformed Conference.

Conference #2

Our Gospel is Bigger than Yours

Cost $599.99

Location: Nashville with telecasts in Louisville, Dallas, Seattle, LA and Orlando

Speakers are 10 White Men, 5 of which wear suits and 5 of which cuss and wear Ed Hardy shirts.

Music will be led by a good natured bearded folk singer with “edgy” lyrics about sovereignty and reworkings of really old hymns of proper theological content all with never ending crescendos … and his pregnant wife.

Each sermon will be 45-50 minutes long, unless more time is desired. Topics will include The Primacy of Sovereignty in Theology, The Primacy of the Word Primacy in Preaching, The Primacy of Men in Relationships, The Primacy of Church Discipline, The Primacy of the Pastor’s will being done as an indication of His role as God’s Appointed, The Primacy of the Heresy of Emerging Christianity, A Discussion of the Heresy of Brian McLaren by the 10 speaker in which no one is allowed to dissent from the norm, Why Our Bible is better than yours, Why the Atonement is Not a Rose, but is a Tulip and Why We believe in Depravity of Man and the Sovereignty of God but Are Still Right about Everything.

At Conference #2 these words will be banned from use unless used disparagingly or in a mocking tone: contextual, justice, equality, emerge (and variations), process, doubt, pluralism, LOST (the TV show), conversation/ dialogue/ discussion and Brian McLaren.

At conference #2, these words must be used by all speakers. If unused contract is rendered null and void: Primacy (at least 4X per talk), sovereign, penal substitution, discipline, Gospel (as defined by us/ and as a hammer), orthodox, lost (people), sin, preaching, elder.

At conference #1 all these word usages will be reversed.

Churches Announce Pop Singer Signings for Easter Services

An announcement earlier this week that The Jonas Brothers would be leading worship at Angels Stadium in Anaheim for Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church has touched off a wave of new signings and negotiations during the past 24 hours.

The 1 Day free agent signing, considered a coup by many insiders, was negotiated by Warren himself and The Jonas Brothers’ new agent Scott Boras, agent for MLB’s Alex Rodriquez and Manny Ramirez. Reached for comment, Rick Warren told reporters, “This will be quite the day. While many were trying to sign the Jonas Brothers, we knew the climate of the OC would be a draw, along with our proximity to LA and the connection we have to the Disney community. When you think Saddleback, you think Disney Pop. This is a match made in heaven by Angels and in Anaheim with the Angels. Plus, their parents love my book, The Purpose Driven Life. The Jonas Brothers are a purpose driven band and this is a purpose driven Sunday!”

Once considered a front runner for The Jonas Brothers’ services, the leadership team at Fellowship of Grapevine, is in full crisis mode. “Of course, they were our pick. Who does not want a number 1 of that caliber on the equivalent of opening day? But, we have something up our sleeves. Just wait.” Unnamed sources have confirmed that Rev. Young is negotiating with Lady GaGa, Taylor Swift and Beyonce at this time. His first choice is Beyonce, but only if she brings Jay-Z along.

Miss Swift was the front runner at Saddleback until her unfortunate off key performance at The Grammys. “Even our sound engineers would not know what to do with that, “said Saddleback’s chief sound guy. Also, there was concern that Kanye West would show up and upstage any Taylor Swift performance. Saddleback’s police force deemed Swift a security risk due to Kanye’s likely crashing.

Not wanting to wait for an announcement after the Jonas signing, Willow Creek announced today they are in negotiations with Coldplay front man Chris Martin to perform a solo set at each of their weekend services. Other weekend signings include Ricky Martin at Metropolitan Community Church of Dallas, Miley Cyrus at Joel Osteen’s Houston church and Sufjan Stevens at Mars Hill Grand Rapids since Sigur Ros and Radiohead were unavailable.

American Idol contestants and winners are dispersing nationwide as this article is being written. John Mayer’s pre-Easter stock has dropped due to unfortunate comments on twitter and in magazines. His agent hopes a church with a liberal view on sexuality will call before the weekend.

U2 has chosen to forego performing on Easter Sunday, opting for a quiet East celebration on the French Riviera with a private church service performed by the leadership of the Protestant and Catholic churches of Ireland and performances by Sinead O’Connor and Swell Season. The bands and ministers will be flown in, along with an alter from the Church of the Holy Sepulcher for this eco-friendly service. It is closed to the public.

There is no truth to the rumor that Mars Hill Church of Seattle has asked Nickleback to perform. Mars Hill has chosen to bring Ultimate Fighting Championship celebrities to give testimonials instead.

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Updated: Fading pop star Britney Spears has been announced as the headliner for fading seeker church Without Walls Church in Tampa in what is considered another match made in heaven.

apparently it is not obvious on this post, but the story of The Jonas Brothers playing at Angels Stadium as part of Saddleback's Easter service is real:)