Interviewer: First of all I would like to thank you for taking the time to speak to me. Should I call you Earth, Gaia or Mother Nature?
Earth: I don’t really care. My friends call me Suzanne. I really liked the tune by Leonard Cohen and let the other planets know this would be my new name.
Interviewer: Well, Suzanne, we are here on the occasion of the 40th Earth Day, our annual celebration of you. First of all- Happy Earth Day!
Earth: Thanks. Did you bring me any flowers? I like flowers and compost. The candies are wrapped in pretty toxic wrapping.
Interviewer: Do you have any thoughts on Earth Day?
Earth: It reminds me of every other human holiday, well without the cards. At least some of you do give me the flowers. I have heard Christians complain about all the non-practicing Christians that show up for Easter and then forget about church and Jesus every other day. It kinda feels like that. Suddenly people take the bus or write a proclamation, or even worse, someone like Exxon puts a green symbol on its website. They think I don’t notice how crappy they behave every other day, but I do. I guess I appreciate the 1 day. Of course, I would like a whole month.
Interviewer: So, Earth Day is like Easter?
Earth: Actually, Earth Day Is more like Valentine’s Day. I am the longsuffering girlfriend and you “humans’ are the bad boyfriend. One day per year you guys tell me how sexy I am, hoping you will get lucky and I will let you stay. The rest of the year you are a bunch of cheating slobs that won’t pick up after yourselves and you just trash the house. Plus, you kick my pets around. Then you come around and say “I’m sorry baby. I will treat you better. I forgot how special you were. Here honey. Can I get you some nice organic veggies today?” And then tomorrow its back to the same old behavior. If I thought it was worth it, I would get you guys on the Marriage Ref or Dr. Phil.
Heck, even NASA is flirting with Mars continually. Like Mars would be interested in Earthlings. She already ridded herself of lifeforms a long time ago.
You actually think I could not live without you. Hmmmph. I could replace you with chimps and dolphins on the top of the chain any day of the week. They are just about as smart and clean up after themselves. At least the dolphins do. You are nothing a good flood would not handle.
Interviewer: That brings me to a touchy subject. Lately things have gotten a bit crazy. It seems as if we are getting more earthquakes, flooding, volcanic activity and bigger storms. Some say it is due to global warming, others say El Nino, while still others say God is bringing the end of the world.
Earth: You guys are always saying it is the end of the world. Heck, you have been saying that since you could fashion words into sentences. “Oh, Ice Age, Big Flood, turn of a century.” It is the end of the world every day. Look, I am not saying anything conclusive. But, if you had a really crappy roommate or significant other that was always paying the rent late, trashing your house or was continually unfaithful, would you eventually want to kick that roommate or significant other out?
Interviewer: Are you saying that all of these natural disasters are a concerted effort to kill us?
Earth: Are you saying that you guys have not been trying to kill me? I hear what some of you say? “Survival of the fittest” and “dominion of the earth.” Yeah, well you started it.
Interviewer: Any thoughts on Global Climate Change?
Earth: Yes. You keep turning up the thermostat, eventually it breaks.
Interviewer: Well, is there anything we can do to stay?
Earth: Clean up after yourselves and I will think about it. Just shut up and stop trying to win some battle against me. I will kick your asses any day… and then dolphins rule. Just watch your backs if you keep up this behavior.