Andrew Jones, wanted for questioning in the death of the Emerging Church

Andrew Jones, AKA “Tall Skinny Kiwi” is a person of interest in the possible death of The Emerging Church. He is wanted by the Minneapolis Police Department for questioning. “This is merely a discussion,” says Police Spokesperson Frank O’Reilly. “We are not ruling out natural causes, but due to some public statements on the part of Mr. Jones, we would like the opportunity to talk to him in our office, with his lawyer present.”

Mr. Jones, a native of New Zealand (and not a personal friend of Peter Jackson, apparently the only Kiwi that doesn’t actually know Mr. Jackson and has not worked for Jackson), was last seen in Europe with his family. Jones has no fixed address, but considers himself a friend of the Emerging Church. In fact, through public statements he has intimated his presence at the birth (or conception) of the Church. At this time it is unknown if Mr. Jones is related to the church (some say he is a parent) or was a doctor in the room at the time of its birth.

Mrs. Church, born in 1989, had many enemies and was rumored to have been suffering from a possible terminal illness. However, close friend Tony Jones of Edina, states that Mrs. Church was in fact only suffering from frayed nerves brought on by the stress of the impending divorce with The Origins Project. He said, “She was not feeling well, but I do not believe The Emerging Church was needing anything besides rest. In fact, should any foul play be found, I think there are other suspects in the case, including the Southern Baptist Convention and any of John Piper’s followers. However, I think she is not really dead. In fact, I think this report is premature. Yes, it seems as if someone has drugged her and left her for dead, but she will recover. I must believe that.”

Tony Jones, who is not related to Andrew Jones, but describes himself as a friend of Andrew, says that he is worried about Andrew Jones, who has had to live in multiple worlds for too long. “Eventually the stress may have gotten to him,” says Tony Jones, "In fact, while I don’t want to implicate him in anything unsavory, if anything has happened to the Emerging Church, I would look at Andrew as a suspect in a possible misguided mercy killing.”

Reached for comment, a lawyer for Andrew Jones stated, "my client would not participate in a mercy killing. In fact, he has very, very orthodox opinions on such issues. He is completely against euthanasia. In fact, he believes exactly what he is supposed to believe on all issues related to orthodoxy. Really. He does. However, Andrew did state to me that he was concerned for the life of the Emerging Church. Anything you have read from him is merely his attempt to show his love for a relative.”

Mr. Jones was last seen in with his family. He is very white and very tall. If you have any information related to his whereabouts, please contact the Minneapolis Police Department or Interpol.

Nominees for "official" Emergent Band

below are 10 bands/ artists that I (or you) are nominating for "official" band of Emergent. You will notice that almost everyone is a white male. For this I am sorry. However, it is apropos. Emergent is still a primarily white male discussion (this is not a good thing, but it is a "thing") and its musician will be such. I tried to lean away from too much white folk music, primarily because I would rather bash in my skull than listen to many earnest white guys with guitars singing earnest songs that "mean something." I am looking at you JT and your ilk.

Where is the world music? Emergent wants to be the "world music" version of Christianity but it is not there yet. If so, I would nominate K'naan and Tinariwen, but both are primarily Muslim.

Yes I do know the winner(s). First of all here are some of the musicians did not make the cut:

David Wilcox- white guy folk singer. Cannot do it. Of course, he deals with spirituality in a way that is emerging and is one of the only white earnest folkies I can stand. Still. He is the "official" band of the older white element of Emergent, luckily it is tiny.

Coldplay- seriously. stop. never. they are the "official" band of bad youth ministry... along with the Fray and Snow Patrol.

Bruce Springsteen- he is the official band of America. Too big. Too all encompassing.

The Clash-we are undeserving of The Clash. Official band of cool 50 year olds that we hope to be some day.

John Coltrane- the namesake of one of my sons. Even though I would consider Love Supreme a precursor to the Emergent Christianity movement, we need lyrics. he could be considered a patron saint, especially if we wanted to be cool.

Bob Marley- we are not worthy of Bob Marley. An interesting choice though.

The Roots- Way too cool for Emergent.

Bob Dylan- We wish. Of course, there is a strong Minnesota element to Emergent's leadership, so he could be a good choice. He plugged in and changed the rules. He redefined himself countless times. He is the meta-narrative singer. But, he is too big.

Green Day- Why would I consider them? They went from snotty punks to deep thinkers with something to say, much like The Beastie Boys. But, no.

Moby- maybe for the vegan element in Emergent. I thought about him for a minute. Then I ordered a burger.

mewithoutyou- maybe in a few years.

Lauren Hill- she should have been, but she went kinda crazy and has not put out any music in years.

Rage Against the Machine- angry. prophetic. socialistic. this is the official band of the Jesus for President crowd.

Ben Folds- He is the official band of Rick, but not Emergent.

Here are your nominees, all of which I will comment on next week (you can give your insight, but it will not play into my decision. This is a fiefdom!):

1. Sufjan Stevens
2. Radiohead
3. The 77s
4. Johnny Cash
5. Beck
6. Bill Mallonee and Vigilantes of Love
7. Arcade Fire
8. Rich Mullins
9. Waterdeep
10. U2

Make your guesses or vote (if you don't mind your vote not counting- yes, I am disenfranchising you).

Great Commercial

quite simply one of the coolest commercials I have ever seen. It was banned due to "violence." Of course, this is the kind of violence of 8 year old boys.*

If this had been on during the Super Bowl, people would have been talking about it for days (and copying it). Have fun.



thanks Huffington Post for the link and a list of other commercials.

* if your pacifism or anti-consumerism keeps you from laughing, you are no longer a pacifist. you are fundamentalist.

things i am not supposed to like...but do*

Range Rover (it is a big hunking SUV a symbol of earth killing and materialism- but what a vehicle)






C.S.I. (not a cool show, like LOST or Heroes)







Birkenstocks- even with socks (so last decade)







Comic Books (some of us never grow up)









Sudden Death (Van Dammes only good flick- one of the best action films ever)









Bill Hybels (I am "emerging" and he is the embodiment of big business corporate Seeker modernity- or is he?)







Rush (you just don't get it- I would have added ELO- but people that don't like them, don't even remotely understand music)






Hanson (listen... without prejudice- they are not teenagers anymore- plus, were you writing pop ditties and playing them at 14 yrs old?)








NBA (Tony Jones just told me, "ugly men playing an ugly game." Yeah, Kevin Garnett, Tim Duncan, Kobe and Allen Iverson play "ugly." Shaq is ugly, though)







Pork (ahhhh, pig as meat... perfect)




*these differ from "guilty pleasures." There is no guilt in my heart. I think those of you that don't like these things are lying, snobs, don't get it, letting the words of others cloud your perceptions or haven't tried these things. None of these are embarrassing, just underrated.

to fit in (or be cool), I am supposed to like _____ ... but don't

enneagrams







iPhone









John Lennon








American Beauty








James Taylor








vespas








Lost









Anchorman (and most WF "comedies")






Jack Bauer







Chris Farley

Giving Up Things for Lent

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Lent Decisions

So... I have decided what I will give up for Lent:

Vegetables and Water

I know it is a sacrifice, but I think I can only eat meat and starches, plus drink things besides water for 40 Days.

Wish me luck.

My Inner European

Usually I don't take these online tests and post them. However, I found one called "Your inner European" and figured I would take a gander at it. It could have been British, German, Swiss, French, Russian, etc. Guess what I am (without even thinking)?

Your Inner European is Irish!

Sprited and boisterous!

Who's Your Inner European?