intercepted memo regarding Spirituality in Film and TV

CONFIDENTIAL MEMO. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

Dear Hayden,

As you know we are in the midst of a crisis around the studios of the Entertainment Industrial Complex today. With the loss of our signature Pseudo-Spiritual Entertainment (PSE) franchise, LOST, we need to find a new one NOW! I am getting calls from many advertisers, and, as you know, we are in the business of selling things, not making enlightenment available to all suckers seekers.

Our fear is that, since there is a vacuum right now, it could be filled by something truly spiritual or transcendent, instead of one of our PSEs which are verifiably proven through years of market research and tight formulization to manifest the highest possible profit margin, even though the number of participants in relatively low, through the use of this open-ended quasi-spiritual mumbo jumbo that can be interpreted in any way the viewer chooses. If we don’t fill the void, something else will, and precious dollars and energy will be lost (and given to someone else).

You may not know how we have done this in the past, but we found this formula by accident in the 90s with The X-Files. Had there been no internet, this phenomenon would have subsided quickly; as it did with Twin Peaks (can we start discussions for a reboot on this?). However, young Christians and spiritual seekers latched on to the show like a baby to its mother’s breast. They created forums, websites, tributes, books and academic papers.

When we created that show, it was meant to scare people and keep them coming back through a serialized format. However, that stupid poster of the UFO an intern brought in from his brother’s college dorm room (you know who that intern is now? That is correct. He helmed Final Destination III.) with the words “I Want to Believe” made these Christians and other religious types think there was some sort of Spiritual Point to the show. Once we noticed it, we pushed it forward. They bought in hook-line-and-sinker. This was our first official PSE. We had not perfected the formula, as we did with LOST. It did go off the rails, because we had no experience. Of course, the Millennium experiment was our first causality. But, to create an omelet, you must break some eggs.

Around this time, the Wachowskis were shopping around that dumb video game movie. Seriously, they had Keanu Reeves as the lead. What a joke. Anyway, one of my studio heads shared the PSE idea with them. They loved it, threw in a stew of different religious symbols (Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism and a few more), renamed the lead character Neo (The One)- his original name was Buzz- and had him die and be reborn. Next thing you know Buddhists are talking about it and Christians are latching on to it as some sort of Christ metaphor (seriously, name a movie without a Christ figure) just cause we knew they would love it when Neo died and was reborn (I was thinking of Phoenix from the X-Men comics myself, not Jesus). They wrote books, had sermon series, college classes and created entire curriculums. Hell, there have been dissertations on this film- and it stars Keanu Reeves. Brilliant!

We realized this is gold. But, like the story goes, we went to the well too much with The Matrix. We threw too many religions into the mix and ruined the gumbo on the last 2. This told us we needed a beginning and an end. It also told us that we don’t really need coherence, as long as there is mystery. See, with mystery and a lot of religious crap (churches, light, crosses, doves, candles, Christ figures, martyrdom, redemption, crises of faith), you can sell anything. Just don’t be too obvious. That is why Passion of The Christ worked with the greater population but not with these young Christians, Jews and spiritual seeker types. They don’t want anything handed to them in an obvious manner (not even their own Bible and faith). They want to be strung along (they call it journey, narrative and story), which is good for us. You can wring a lot more out of someone if you keep him strung along for years. The tobacco industry taught us that oneJ

Hence, LOST. The formula, when created according to specifications, is foolproof. Coherence and character development are not needed. Just mystery on top of mystery with a few answers in the midst of the MacGuffins and Red Herrings. Need proof? You have seen Contact (made while formula was still in development), The X-Men movies (heck most of the superhero genre), Battlestar Galactica, Book of Eli (anything post-apocalyptic), Signs, The Village and Avatar. They are all stops on the journey to perfection (I think our PIXAR division is the closest).

Please understand, the formula can be tweaked. We tweaked it for The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, 24 (it works with politics also). Some of the tweaked film successes are The Potter series, The Truman Show, Gattaca and Magnolia (the smart Christians saw through American Beauty). It even works with music. They love this mystical spiritual, could be talking about God or my girlfriend, but with religious symbolism pabulum. Have you heard Coldplay? We are trying a bluegrass version right now called Mumford and Sons. They are better than Coldplay, but who can tell what they are talking about? That is the point. Anything you want. We call the musical concoction The Bono. Of course, if you mix The Bono with The Springsteen, the gold standard is achieved (Arcade Fire).

However, if you are too obvious you get Superman Returns or Heroes. If you mess with it too much you get The Happening, Jericho or Flash Forward. Oops.

And that is what leads us to where we are at this moment. We need a new PSE. There are some pilots in the works and Coldplay has an album this year. On the movie front we have coming this year, The Last Airbender, Inception and Jonah Hex, but all are risky endeavors. However, nothing strings people along like television. We need a meeting like, last week. Set something up with the heads of all divisions and all networks. I am getting calls from potential advertisers like Target, Honda, Fed Ex and Coke demanding a new product.

Sincerely,

S. S.

Mini Review of The Hold Steady's Heaven is Whenever

Heaven is Whenever by The Hold Steady- Continually perfecting their Bukowski soaked, Springsteen influenced fractured hymns for lapsed Catholics, the quintessential bar band is now offering a reprieve from the 1^st person narratives of alcohol drenched sin and heartbreak longing for unattained salvation by growing up just a bit… as they make the kids sing along. “Hurricane J” is a revelation. On the downside; No songs about Ybor City.

Ways LOST could end

I don't watch the show, but I have seen a lot of TV. Here are my thoughts on how LOST could end:

1. Star Matthew Fox will wake up, shower and walk downstairs… and on to the set of Party of 5, as star Charlie Salinger. He will then tell the rest of that cast, including Neve Campbell and Jennifer Love Hewitt about this weird dream he had last night (which entails all 5 seasons of LOST). The final episode will end with “Closer to Free” by the BoDeans.
2. It will end with the main characters airlifted off the island. An “other” will be left standing there. They will look down and the word “Goodbye” will be spelled out in shells and coconuts. They will smile at each other knowingly.
3. The living characters will sit in a New Jersey diner with Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” rolling over the end credits.
4. The screen will pan out. We will see the LOST Island is really a diorama of an island in the hands of a young autistic boy, sharing his school project. The whole thing has been in his brain.
5. Everyone will die on the island besides 1 (I am not telling you who). He will then find a package from Fed Ex with a volleyball he names Wilson. He will then talk to the volleyball for an inordinately long period of time. He will eventually fashion a craft and escape the island. He will deliver another Fed Ex package to a single lady and be happy, even though all his friends are dead. A Coldplay song will play over the ending.
6. The remaining characters will take a celebratory 3 hour cruise on the SS Minnow with a skipper and first mate. They will be restranded on the same island setting up a spin off. This time it will be a comedy.
7. It will be an alternate universe setting up a future as seen in JJ Abrams Star Trek. Kate Austin will end up marrying Tiberious Kirk, thereby becoming the great-great-great-great grandmother of James T. Kirk.
8. The monster from JJ Abrams’ film Cloverfield is really living on the island. It will escape. Everyone will die. A Ronnie James Dio song will play over the ending. It was a prequel to his movie.
9. The remaining characters will be flying back to the island, but make a stopover in Latham, MA due to a small crisis on the plane. They will witness a carjacking and refuse to help. They will be arrested under a new ordinance which demands bystanders help those in need. During a trial, they will be visited by former islanders, all living normal lives. They will then be prosecuted and sentenced to 1 year in prison. The finale will suck.
10. Fox Mulder will be called in to investigate. He will believe the stories. Scully will be skeptical. We will learn it was all a plot of a shadow US government perpetrated by the smoking man. Nothing will be answered and everyone will be disappointed. A movie will be planned but no one will care because they have moved on to other things.

The real ending:

C’mon, you know they all really died on the plane crash and this is purgatory.

What you didn’t know about the show:

1. Being a former Scientologist, JJ Abrams has really been creating a metaphor for the religion. Those on the LOST Island are really representing those who attempt to escape the clutches of Scientology with the consequences usually dire. He had to keep it hidden because Tom Cruise would be really mad. All the crazy things in the show are really basic tenants of Ron Hubbard theology. It is really pretty obvious.

mini review of Titus Andronicus' the Monitor

The Monitor by Titus Andronicus- The year’s best album is what sneering punk rock sounds like when marching through the Civil War as metaphor for the desolation of modern America as seen through the eyes of disaffected youth in the Aughts. These young men sound like Conor Oberst fronting The Replacements with J Mascis of Dinosaur Jr on guitar as they sneak through New Jersey backyards (of Mr. Springsteen, of course) with an American Idiot (if you get even a fraction of the references, you will love this).

Best appropriation of a classic song lyric in quite a while, "tramps like us, baby we were born to die."

mini review of Hadestown by Anais Mitchell

Hadestown by Anais Mitchell- A high minded retelling of the Orpheus myth in Appalachia, the talented folk singer, a sometime Julie Miller soundalike, Mitchell uses friends Justin Vernon (Bon Iver) and Ani Difranco as characters in her chamber pop, Americana-based folk opera. Hauntingly beautiful and refreshingly original in today’s over-produced musical landscape.

listen here. More info here.

mini review of Nneka's Concrete Jungle

Concrete Jungle by Nneka- I picked this up a few months ago and want to make you aware of the album. Although not attaining the same level of pop perfection, Nigerian singer, Nneka could be the long lost sister of Lauren Hill. Steeped in her traditional African musical tradition, but infusing it with American soul and hip-hop, Nneka is hopefully the sound of tomorrow in a genre destroyed by Auto-tune and canned beats (Erykah Badu is her closest comparison). Profoundly spiritual, this is a great addition to the growing African hip-hop catalog, beside K’naan.

Listen here.

Good Cheap Music Day

I have not helped my readers out in a few months with practical musical advise. Sure, I could recommend the latest by the Hold Steady, The National, The New Pornographers, Gogol Bordello or Josh Ritter. However, do you really need me for that? You already know those are albums to buy.What I should be doing is recommending new hidden gems like Anais Mitchell's folk opera take on Orpheus with guests like Justin Vernon of Bon Iver and Ani Difranco. Hadestown will definitely be in my top 5 at the end of the year.

But, in an effort to save you money and get good music in your hands I reintroduce my Good Cheap Music column once more. Each month Amazon gives us at least 100 digitally downloadable albums for only $5 each. There are always great albums in the midst of the pablum. So you don't have to waste your time looking through the stacks, here are the DJ Word recommendations for May:

If you feel that music is something that peaked in the 70s and is best when good songs are covered by an overrated singer-songwriter, then James Taylor's Covers if for you. If you buy this, please don't play it if I am in your car. But, if you must, please drive slowly around curves, because I will be jumping out at some point... probably during Wichita Lineman.

If you are a crass male chauvinist with no musical taste (in other words, you like Limp Bizkit and Nickelback), the Scorpions' Animal Magnetism, with the worst non-parody album cover ever is only $5.

However, if you actually like music and think it is growing better daily, check out The National's Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers. It is not their best album, but it is awesome, especially the chilling"Slipping Husband," a warning to all husbands/ dads to keep their family close. Anytime a National album is $5, you must buy it.

One of the year's best debuts is Gorilla Manor by Local Natives. This is how I described it on a recent blog review:

"Take 1 part Vampire Weekend/ Harlem Shakes rhythm section and 2 parts Fleet Foxes, Blitzen Trapper harmony heavy vocal arrangements (with stronger lead singing) and add some crunchy guitar work and Coldplay-esque Christian-lite spirituality, while taking away much of the restraint those bands strive for and you end up with this debut album by Local Natives. If it sounds like it was put together in an Indie Rock laboratory, then those guys should get a Nobel Prize for the formulation that makes me groove."

If you are a fan of 80s music with a a love of Hall and Oates that you proudly trumpet from the highest building, as I do, then check into The Bird and The Bee's Interpreting The Masters Volume 1: A Tribute To Daryl Hall And John Oates in which a young pop duo reinterpret many of hall and Oates best songs, unironically.

Other highlights include Yeasayer's trippy euro-world mashup Odd Blood, Ben Harper's double album Both Sides of the Gun and The Best of Snoop Dog (always needed, just in case). There are a couple of great jazz works including Take the "A" train by Dexter Gordon and Miles in the Sky by Miles Davis.

If you care about the history of punk rock in America, The Descendents' Milo Goes to College is an underrated gem. I like these guys a lot more than Black Flag or other SoCal early 80's hardcore bands. the longest song is 2:13.

The one album on the $5 list that you must buy, if you do not have it is The Hold Steady's most perfect album (which is saying something since they have almost attained it many times) Boys and Girls in America. A midwestern sensibility meeting Springsteen obsession and observation through the eyes of a seriously lapsed Catholic that spent too much time in a bar with Bukowski's writings, Craig Finn is the poet laureate of disenfranchised partiers that want to grow up, but cannot.

If you want to expand your musical horizons, I recommend French musician Serge Gainesbourg's decadent masterpiece L'Histoire De Melody Nelson from 1971. It still sounds fresh.

lastly, a $5 Spoon album must always be celebrated, even if Kill The Moonlight is not one of their best.

10+ Reasons to love The National

With their latest album coming out on Tuesday, here are 10 reasons you should listen to The National, the best American band out there presently.* Thoroughly modern, but deeply influenced by The Psychedelic Furs, Joy Division and Nick Cave, lead singer Matt Beringer's vocals are eerily deep/spooky and slightly reminiscent of the Crash Test Dummies or Leonard Cohen and his poetry is beautifully melancholy.

If you want to hear their album a day early and also read an in depth profile of what makes these guys tick (and make them so) good, read this New York Times article. It is spot on, especially concerning their extraordinary musicianship (I think their drummer is as good as any classic drummer).

This is just a taste, because any song on their masterworks Alligator or Boxer is as good as any other (in fact, Alligator is dang near perfect).

10. Abel from Alligator (as loud as they really get).

9. Mistaken For Strangers from Boxer. This is the song that most people that don't know The National really like. One of their many songs detailing the shallowness of hipster life and the desire for more connection.

8. Murder Me Rachel from Sad Songs For Dirty Lovers.

7. So Far Around the Bend from The Dark Was the Night compilation album with the line "praying for Pavement to get back together." You can watch them talk about it and play it live here. This is about as upbeat as they ever get.

6. Apartment Song from Boxer and Karen from Alligator.

5. About Today from the Cherry Tree EP.

4. Slipping Husband, the song every husband/father needs to hear at least once, from Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers. This is my favorite song. As an enneagram 4, I know he is speaking to someone like me.

3. All the Wine from from the Cherry Tree EP and the album Alligator, also featured on Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist. This may be their best song, at least their most accessible with the great dismissal of California any East Coast snob would appreciate... because God is on my side.

2. Fake Empire from Boxer, a truly subversive tune used by Barack Obama for a campaign commercial and as walk-in music on the night of his election. The drumming is sublime and the lyrics are a pitch perfect dismissal of the emptiness of consumeristic lifestyles because "we're half awake in a fake empire." Watch it live on Letterman.

1. Bloodbuzz Ohio, the newest single from their latest album, High Violet which drops Tuesday. It is not their best single song, but gets you ready for how good this album will be. "I was carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees."

a special bonus. The National covering Pretty in Pink.

*I am cheating a bit by defining them as the best American band (USA). That way, I can get around trying to judge them against The New Pornographers and Arcade Fire (Canadian) or Radiohead and Frightened Rabbit (UK). The only real competition is The Hold Steady (The National is 1 while The Hold Steady is 1A).