Thursday, October 19, 2006

Sometimes Hobos are better than theology

As I lay weeping quietly in my bed attempting to forget the Game 6 loss of my beloved Cardinals to a team that cannot get love in its own city, I was drawn to my favorite piece of bathroom literature of the past few years. I needed to read something smart, funny, trivial and having utterly no importance in the eternal (or weekly) scheme of things (the last thing I needed was the copy of Living Faith by Jacques Ellul sitting patiently on my bedstand).

I grabbed my copy of The Areas of My Expertise by the most famous commenter this site has ever had (sorry Tony, Jordon and Rudy) and headed to the retreat center. John Hodgeman, PC in the Mac commercials and frequent "expert" on The Daily Show, wrote this treatise containing very little truth on subjects as diverse as squirrels, prediction of the future, actuaries and numerous facts about hobos (including 700 Hobo names- i.e.Silas Swollentoe, Flea Stick and Markansas).

As an asthmatic, I offer you his "Diversions for the asthmatic child who cannot play in the snow"

  • Inhaler whittling
  • Fabrication of elaborate kites that shall never be flown
  • Pill-swapping
  • Bird-loathing
  • Lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling
  • Finding new quiet radio programs to listen to
  • Hiding*

To John's list, I offer my own...

  • waving at other kids out the window (slowly, so as to not exert energy)
  • crying (though not sobbing, which can cause an attack)
  • thinking about sleds and snow
  • playing board games with imaginary friends
  • asking mom why God gave you asthma
  • planning your scheme to make enough money to buy a sports teams (since you will never play)

Do you have any others to offer?

*pg. 61

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