An Interview with The Earth

Interviewer: First of all I would like to thank you for taking the time to speak to me. Should I call you Earth, Gaia or Mother Nature?

Earth: I don’t really care. My friends call me Suzanne. I really liked the tune by Leonard Cohen and let the other planets know this would be my new name.

Interviewer: Well, Suzanne, we are here on the occasion of the 40^th Earth Day, our annual celebration of you. First of all- Happy Earth Day!

Earth: Thanks. Did you bring me any flowers? I like flowers and compost. The candies are wrapped in pretty toxic wrapping.

Interviewer: Do you have any thoughts on Earth Day?

Earth: It reminds me of every other human holiday, well without the cards. At least some of you do give me the flowers. I have heard Christians complain about all the non-practicing Christians that show up for Easter and then forget about church and Jesus every other day. It kinda feels like that. Suddenly people take the bus or write a proclamation, or even worse, someone like Exxon puts a green symbol on its website. They think I don’t notice how crappy they behave every other day, but I do. I guess I appreciate the 1 day. Of course, I would like a whole month.

Interviewer: So, Earth Day is like Easter?

Earth: Actually, Earth Day Is more like Valentine’s Day. I am the longsuffering girlfriend and you “humans’ are the bad boyfriend. One day per year you guys tell me how sexy I am, hoping you will get lucky and I will let you stay. The rest of the year you are a bunch of cheating slobs that won’t pick up after yourselves and you just trash the house. Plus, you kick my pets around. Then you come around and say “I’m sorry baby. I will treat you better. I forgot how special you were. Here honey. Can I get you some nice organic veggies today?” And then tomorrow its back to the same old behavior. If I thought it was worth it, I would get you guys on the Marriage Ref or Dr. Phil.

Heck, even NASA is flirting with Mars continually. Like Mars would be interested in Earthlings. She already ridded herself of lifeforms a long time ago.

You actually think I could not live without you. Hmmmph. I could replace you with chimps and dolphins on the top of the chain any day of the week. They are just about as smart and clean up after themselves. At least the dolphins do. You are nothing a good flood would not handle.

Interviewer: That brings me to a touchy subject. Lately things have gotten a bit crazy. It seems as if we are getting more earthquakes, flooding, volcanic activity and bigger storms. Some say it is due to global warming, others say El Nino, while still others say God is bringing the end of the world.

Earth: You guys are always saying it is the end of the world. Heck, you have been saying that since you could fashion words into sentences. “Oh, Ice Age, Big Flood, turn of a century.” It is the end of the world every day. Look, I am not saying anything conclusive. But, if you had a really crappy roommate or significant other that was always paying the rent late, trashing your house or was continually unfaithful, would you eventually want to kick that roommate or significant other out?

Interviewer: Are you saying that all of these natural disasters are a concerted effort to kill us?

Earth: Are you saying that you guys have not been trying to kill me? I hear what some of you say? “Survival of the fittest” and “dominion of the earth.” Yeah, well you started it.

Interviewer: Any thoughts on Global Climate Change?

Earth: Yes. You keep turning up the thermostat, eventually it breaks.

Interviewer: Well, is there anything we can do to stay?

Earth: Clean up after yourselves and I will think about it. Just shut up and stop trying to win some battle against me. I will kick your asses any day… and then dolphins rule. Just watch your backs if you keep up this behavior.

obligatory earth day blog post: redux

If you are a happy idealist, please don't read this.

So, Thursday is Earth Day and everyone is wearing green. Businesses are telling us how to buy their products through green-washing, hoping that we will give them the green they actually care about. Networks are touting green initiatives they ignore every other day of the year. Products using too much packaging are telling us how environmental they are and everyone is using this as an excuse to show off their green cred, earth piety or once a year conviction.

In fact, I turned on to NBC Monday night and their was their little green NBC symbol which will disappear next week. My son told me that on Thursday we need to make sure we send his lunch without anything that can be thrown away. He never noticed that his lunch is packed in a reusable container each day... because the school would not talk about it beyond their once per year obligation and I gave up preaching a number of years ago.

It is kinda like Easter and Christmas for nominal Christians, a time to think about something we will forget about until the next time it is all over the media. While I should appreciate Earth Day and the sudden emphasis, it is hard to get myself excited. It is the same reason I don't get excited about Black History Month and MLK Day, relegating something so important to a day, week or month, so we can appease our guilty conscience for the rest of their year. Yes, it is a start. Yes, it is better than nothing. Yes, we have come a long way. But, I am more concerned with what people do and talk about on the Monday after Earth Day than I am on Earth Day. Man, do I sound like a preacher talking about Sunday morning.

Excuse my cynicism. However, I think you either care about your impact upon the earth and take it into consideration when making decisions or you do not. You either think about how your decisions and lifestyle effect other people, animals and the environment or you do not. To what degree to take the environment and sustainability is a personal choice, even if you end up like Mark Wahlberg's character in I (heart) Huckabees, unable to make any choices because you are constantly concerned with the impact of any choice. Like is a series of sell-outs and repentance for selling out.

No Earth Day emphasis is going to change the minds of those that do not care. It will only guilt them into silence for a day... or they will act like it matters to them because they want others to think they are with it (see most corporations and many churches).

I am also a bit cynical because I attended my first Earth Day Celebration 21 years ago, convinced it would change things. I took the whole thing seriously and put my money where my mouth was. I was considered a freak by most of my fraternity brothers and my Christian friends. Luckily, we have come a long way, not because of earth day celebrations, but because of people like Al Gore making movies and Christians no longer willing to be silent finally getting on board.

However, what was an emphasis a couple of years ago, probably due to gas prices and scare tactics, has become familiar and even uninteresting to many in light of recession, slightly better gas prices and someone that may actually kinda like the earth in the White House.

So, do something for your planet today (of course, if we did what our planet really wanted, we would cease to exist before it decides to kill us for being a bad roommate). Or don't. Just don't act like you care unless you really do.

coming later, news from the Earth regarding Earth Day

thoughts on church music, part 1: Why Worship Music is Like Disco

While many may not ask themselves why much of what is considered modern Worship Music in church is so horrible, others, like me, obsess over that question. I hope to look closely at this during the next few days... but you know my schedule. Plus, I have Earth Day to satirize, along with fleshing out my perfect Christian conferences.

So, part 1 of why I don't like modern worship music (and why I think I am finally headed to a liturgical tradition, even if I like guitars in church) is that it reminds me of disco coupled with a tear jerker move.

Of course, the obvious manipulative aspects cannot be overstated. There is a level of coercion manifested in the repeating of phrases like a Krishna mantra, along with the music which bears much in resemblance to musical scores from overly dramatic movies (tear jerkers) and Romantic era classical music.

Too often, we find ourselves emotionally manipulated while worshipping God based upon the emotive vocals, never ending crescendo and dramatic musical swells more than the theological underpinnings of the lyrics. In fact, on Easter Sunday I found this happening during a musical video called Awake. The song was written, as one featured on Grey’s Anatomy or Scrubs, to force an emotional response. This puppet mastery of the writers/ leaders on the audience has angered me since church camp where someone tried to force the Holy Spirit and tongue speaking on me and the film Dead Poet’s Society in which the director forced me to be angry at the dad upon the suicide of his son, instead of seeing the son and Robin Williams’ Captain as responsible.

While I ramble on, this brilliant quote sums up the reason why the Chris Tomlins of the world and the Charlie Halls and the Matt Redmonds (and whoever is popular today) instill so much musical hostility in me (it is about a page and half long in the book), Spin magazine writer, Andrew Beaujon, in his brilliant book Body Piercing Saved My Life: Inside the Phenomenon of Christian Rock says this:

Quentin Crisp once said, “A lifetime of listening to disco music is a high price to pay for one’s sexual preference.” I’m not saved and don’t think I ever will be, but if such a miracle were to take place, I can’t imagine anything worse than being forced to pay for my salvation by listening to worship music for the rest of my days.

Worship music is the logical conclusion of Christian adult contemporary music-not just unappealing but unbearable to anyone not already in the fold. Every song follows the same parameters. It opens gently, with tinkling arpeggios or synthesized harp glissandos that portend the imminence of something celestial in glacial 4/4 time. In the second verse, the band-invariably excellent players-soft-pedals in, gaining in volume to the bridge. And then the chorus, Heavens, the choruses. They could put U2 out of business for good, they’re so huge. Another verse. A middle eight. Then, a breakdown when the audience takes over singing. Another massive chorus. Fin.

This isn’t music to appreciate; it’s music to experience. People at a worship service close their eyes and, as ecstasy spreads across their faces, begin to rock rhythmically, arms out, mouthing the lyrics. It’s more than a little sexual and a tad uncomfortable if you’re setting next to an attractive person who’s been overcome by the Spirit.

Worship tunes tend to evince an adolescent theology, one that just can’t get over how darn cool it is that Jesus sacrificed himself for the world. Moreover, it’s self-centered in a way that reflects evangelicalism’s near-obsession with having a personal relationship with Christ. It’s ME Jesus died for. I just gotta praise the Lord.

The Jesus of worship music is a mentor, a buddy, a friend whose message is easily distilled to a simple command: praise me. Not “feed the poor, clothe the naked, visit the prisoner.” Simply thank Him for His gift to YOU (and make sure to display copyright information at the bottom of the screen so royalties can be disbursed.)

All of which I could bear, or at least imagine defending, if all the songs didn’t sound the same.”*

The writer then goes on to write his own worship song, just to show how easy it is to do it. In fact, most worship songs sung in church seem to have the same infinitesimally small vocabulary of less than 25 main words (praise, love, I, You, are, worship, alone, worthy, etc.). Its as if Apple has created an App called “Worship Creator” so anyone can punch in a random selection of words and out pops a new worship hit for your church.

Don’t get me wrong, some people are writing good modern day hymns. However, most of those songs are not sung in church, and the ones that are don't get a lot of play outside singular communities. I will talk about the good ones pretty soon, many of which were written by drunks and those struggling with faith, but a few were written by CCM stalwarts like The Choir, Smalltown Poets, Rich Mullins and Adam Again.

*I loved this book and quote when it came out in 2006 and it always reenters my mind while standing in church. My friend Dustin quoted it a while back on his blog, which I appreciate since I didn't have to type out the quote.

2 Perfect Christian Conferences

Taking cues from other conference directors and creators, I am going into the business of creating and managing events. It should work well for me. I have put together multiple events during my life and used to be a concert promoter. In fact, I am partnering with a friend in Tampa Bay to put on next week’s Sustainable Faith conference in St. Pete featuring Shane Claiborne, Doug Pagitt and Danielle Shroyer. It should be a great event.

As I try to create my own brand of conferences I have decided to move towards absolute perfection. Too many of these conferences are trying for absolute diversity but failing miserably. Last year, friends put on such a conference in which all the speakers were women. This year, the main conference happening in a few weeks is diverse, but still over populated by men with beards (I called it the Beards of Theology event). I just received an email concerning an event in Atlanta this fall that attempts diversity. The main speakers are an African American woman, a Native American man and a white guy. This is good, but don’t women hold a higher percentage in the USA? Not, 100% like that conference I mentioned, but something like 51%-49% (I am not actually looking it up).

So, here are 2 conference ideas. The first is for progressive, emerging, Social Justice Christians. It takes a lot of work and will get me very little money since they demand everything be free or discounted (each wants an insider deal and is a poor Democrat). To make up for it, I will put on the perfect Reformed Evangelical Christian conference. I can charge a lot of money (the advantage of high salaries, big church budgets and Republicanism) with very little work.

IDEA #1

CATYLATE or CATYL8

Cost: $9.99

Location: still looking at UCC churches and seminaries in mid-major cities

21 speakers

11 female/ 10 male

8 White

4 African American

4 Latino (representing Mexican, Caribbean, Central and South American ethnicities)

3 Asian (representing Korean and Chinese, along w/ another)

1 multi-ethnic (hopefully Jewish or Arab in there- preferable both)

1 Native American

5 will be Gay or Lesbian

10 former Evangelicals (at least 2 former Baptists, 2 former Charismatics, 3 former fundies from Liberty or a Bible college)

5 mainliners

2 Catholics

4 other faith traditions

Presently, as I try to determine speakers, I realize that I need some people to play multiple parts with the coupe de grace being someone representative of 3 groupings. This is harder than trying to make the seedings for the NCAA tournament.

Music will be led by a good natured bearded folk singer with “edgy” lyrics about doubt and never-ending crescendos… and his girlfriend.

Each talk will be 18 minutes because TED is 20 and we want to be even better than TED. Topics include How to Be Liked by Everyone that is not a Closed Minded Fundamentalist,

What churches can learn from the spirituality and community building in dolphin communities, in a pluralistic age, why Christianity is not really superior to other religions, but kinda is, Post-Colonialism is not just a catchphrase, it actually means something,

Social Media: a Force for Good or a force for Great, Open Source Theology Using a Closed Source Technology, Life After Jesus and Why Everything we Ever Learned in Church is Wrong and the TV show LOST is Right, along with a discussion of Why Shane Claiborne, Rob Bell and anyone too successful aren’t really in our camp.

Since I will undoubtedly lose money on this, unless I can get everyone to come for free and get some suckers to sponsor it,J I still need to make some bank. For that, here is the perfect Conservative, Reformed Conference.

Conference #2

Our Gospel is Bigger than Yours

Cost $599.99

Location: Nashville with telecasts in Louisville, Dallas, Seattle, LA and Orlando

Speakers are 10 White Men, 5 of which wear suits and 5 of which cuss and wear Ed Hardy shirts.

Music will be led by a good natured bearded folk singer with “edgy” lyrics about sovereignty and reworkings of really old hymns of proper theological content all with never ending crescendos … and his pregnant wife.

Each sermon will be 45-50 minutes long, unless more time is desired. Topics will include The Primacy of Sovereignty in Theology, The Primacy of the Word Primacy in Preaching, The Primacy of Men in Relationships, The Primacy of Church Discipline, The Primacy of the Pastor’s will being done as an indication of His role as God’s Appointed, The Primacy of the Heresy of Emerging Christianity, A Discussion of the Heresy of Brian McLaren by the 10 speaker in which no one is allowed to dissent from the norm, Why Our Bible is better than yours, Why the Atonement is Not a Rose, but is a Tulip and Why We believe in Depravity of Man and the Sovereignty of God but Are Still Right about Everything.

At Conference #2 these words will be banned from use unless used disparagingly or in a mocking tone: contextual, justice, equality, emerge (and variations), process, doubt, pluralism, LOST (the TV show), conversation/ dialogue/ discussion and Brian McLaren.

At conference #2, these words must be used by all speakers. If unused contract is rendered null and void: Primacy (at least 4X per talk), sovereign, penal substitution, discipline, Gospel (as defined by us/ and as a hammer), orthodox, lost (people), sin, preaching, elder.

At conference #1 all these word usages will be reversed.

Amen to the Critiques of the Whiteness of the Emerging Church

In its most recent edition, Sojourners published an article asking if the Emerging Church is too white by an Asian-American theologian. This is a good question, as is any such question.

In fact, the answer is yes. It is too white. It is too male. It is too American. It is too Protestant. It is too filled with professional clergy and those that wish they were professional clergy. It is too upper-middle class and too educated. It is filled with too many Mac users... and too many Democrats. It is also filled with too many intellectuals, too many Midwesterners and Californians and too many fans of LOST and folk music (and if you ask its critics, not enough Christians).

If it does not have a cross section which looks exactly like an approximation of the make-up of the world or at least America, it is too something. ALWAYS. Even if an entity is struggling with the fact that it is too white, too male, too intellectual, too rich or too right handed, we must be vigilant to criticize it based upon our singular experience. In a post-modern world facts are not to be trusted. If Colbert has taught me anything, it is this.

It does not matter if something is trying to change, we should demand the change even as it is changing (instead of demanding it before the change begins). That way, when change does happen, as it already is, we get to say it is because we made a stink about it.

We must work hard to critique young changing organizations and movements like the emerging church while ignoring the leadership of our nation, the Supreme Court of the United States, the Executive branch, the leadership of both political parties, the clergy and leadership of the United Methodist, Episcopal, Southern Baptist, Cooperative Baptist, Presbyterian (USA), American version of Roman Catholic, and Lutheran churches, the leadership of Christianity Today, Willow Creek, Purpose Driven, Relevant and Sojourners itself. We should ignore every parachurch organization also. We need to focus on the ones that are easy to critique and wanting to change. It is the right thing to do.

As we focus our energies on the entities that are trying to become more diverse, solely because they want to reflect the world at hand and listen to voices beyond those with the same life experience, not because of some political correctness (even if there is more than I like), we can ignore those that have not opened themselves up to change, those with hidden agendas that may never change because the pressure is put on the easy one.

When I was in a fraternity in college, a couple of black guys wanted to join. Now, we were not KA, a notoriously white-only fraternity. Heck, we had guys from many different ethnic backgrounds, Latino, Greek, Asian, Italian, Arab and Indian. But, in our eyes all of these were white. In fact, growing up as I did, there were 2 races, black (anyone with really dark skin) and white (anyone with relatively light skin). It did not matter what ethnicity you really were, you just fell into one of those camps. That said, I remember trying to get my fraternity to open themselves us to brothers that were not white... or some variation. As usual, I was branded the trouble making liberal Jesus freak (things were not different in my fraternity or my church).

It was almost impossible to get these exceptional young men in, with every dishonest excuse imaginable, some of which would make you laugh if they were not so cringe worthy. Within a year our fraternity relented (when a black freshman showed up for rush week who was so superior in quality to any of the rest of us that only the most ardent racists complained).

When we focus our energies on demanding diversity of those entities that long for diversity, we may miss those entities that hide their disdain for diversity from the rest of the world... like my fraternity and those leading some of our businesses, churches and social groups (and even they change sometimes).

by the way, I think th emerging church is too insular, but its whiteness is not the issue. in fact, had these critiques happened 3-4 years ago, they would hold resonance, but now they are one of the few critiques of the emerging church that lack relevance.

12 marks of new monasticism, according to your dad

Somewhere along the line, you may have come into contact with the 12 Marks of New Monasticism, a branch of the Emerging Church I have had tangential connection to during my journey. These 12 Marks, compiled by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove paint a very appealing picture of Christianity to many of us (myself included). However, to many of our parents, pastors and church leaders from another generation or worldview, they may seem a bit strange.

When asked to write a piece of satire for a magazine frequented by New Monastics, I came up with an early draft of the 12 marks, which was intended to poke a little fun at the earnestness of the group, while maintaining an understanding of who they are. It was not the right piece for the publication, so I have decided to resurrect it here, primarily because I like it. I have changed it from an early draft, so as to not unintentionally insult the originator. Instead we are going with this…

When a New Monastic says this (one of the 12 Marks), his/her dad or pastor hears this (something entirely different). This could be why New Monasticism and other emerging church ideas sound freakish to some older Christians.

The 12 Marks of New Monasticism, interpreted by your Dad.

1. You say “Relocation to the abandoned places of Empire.” Your dad hears “buy cheap houses in the ghetto and gentrify, but complain when other white people move in, thereby increasing your street-cred.”
2. You say “Sharing economic resources with fellow community members and the needy among us.” Your dad hears “become a hippy cult like those people in Haight-Ashbury and continue to misinterpret Acts 2:44-45 by taking it literally.”
3. You say “Hospitality to the stranger.” Your dad hears “Hospitality to other strange white people with tattoos oh, and poor people too, just don’t feed them the organic stuff.”
4. You say “Lament for racial divisions within the church and our communities combined with the active pursuit of a just reconciliation.” Your black friends hear “whine and complain with other white people about the lack of black people in your church. Go to black churches and notice how much better the music is. Complain less loudly.”
5. You say “Humble submission to Christ’s body, the church.” Your dad hears “when the pastor says ‘drink the Kool-Aid,’ you ask “can I have grape?’”
6. You say “Intentional formation in the way of Christ and the rule of the community along the lines of the old novitiate.” Your dad hears “act Catholic when it suits you, Protestant at all other times.” While the priest down the street hears “act Catholic, except when it comes to all that Mary, Pope and lifelong celibacy stuff. You know the stuff that makes a Catholic, Catholic.”
7. You say “Nurturing common life among members of intentional community.” Your dad hears “rebel against your upbringing, but with other weird people (don’t drink or smoke alone). Talk about how much more real this is than the way you grew up in Evangelicalism.”
8. You say “Support for celibate singles alongside monogamous married couples and their children.” Your dad or single friend hears “get to know singles that won’t let their girlfriend/ boyfriend sleep over. Ask them to babysit.”
9. You say “Geographical proximity to community members who share a common rule of life.” Your dad hears “find roommates to share expenses so you don’t have to get a real job working for The Man."
10. You say “Care for the plot of God’s earth given to us along with support of our local economies.” Your dad hears “stay away from Starbucks, McDonalds and Wal-Mart frequented by real people and silently judge that those that shop there. Drive a Prius or a bike. I guess you could take the bus.”
11. You say “Peacemaking in the midst of violence and conflict resolution within communities along the lines of Matthew 18.” Your dad hears “don’t pray people in the back, like they did in your parent’s church. Tell people when you got a beef against them.” For once he agrees with you, unless you are really saying “vote for Democratics, if they are sufficiently non-patriotic. Vote Green Party, if you must vote. Just don’t tell anybody.” He just can’t tell which you are saying, but he is concerned your vote will cancel his Republican vote.
12. You say “Commitment to a disciplined contemplative life.” Your dad hears “give up on everything you were taught in Sunday School.” Your older friends that listen to Toad the Wet Sprocket hear “Burn your TV in the yard. Gather round it with your friends.” They smile, unless you really mean it.

I still like it better the other way (as an early draft with what he was really saying crossed out), but decided for once to be gentle (it will not be a trend, I assure you).