reposting from April 2009- Arcade Fire is Emergent Idol Winner

"Churches should replace hymns with Arcade Fire songs,

more kids would sing along."*

This is a reposting from April 2009. I think it is good to reread in light of the new found glory Arcade Fire has found, especially among young, emerging and other Christians. While I would change some of my insights, I decided to leave it in its old form. I would love to rewrite this in light of The Suburbs which expands upon the message of the first two albums. Hope you enjoy:

How many of you guessed this? Ohhh Canada! I had to pick a band that did not hail from these United States and included both genders in its leadership, one that explores the past and future; mining many traditional sounds and world elements, yet is still totally part of its own culture, a band that is obsessed with religion, consumerism, community, activism, etc. It sounds like Emergent, especially its younger future. It also helps Arcade Fire's cause that it is the premiere band to debut since the emerging church conversation's advent in its present form. Plus, I like picking a band that is not even "Christian" which should satisfy Emergent's critics ("I told you they were not really Christians. If they were, their official band would be Caedmon's Call").

Of course, I am basing this on just 2 albums, one of which is really the official album of Emergent more than any band could take the title official band of Emergent. However, based upon this album and what I think we are in over the next decade, I designate Arcade Fire the official band of Emergent.

Just as Emergent has had its Lesslie Newbiggin, Brian McLaren, N.T. Wright and Stanley Grenz and is moving to new voices, Arcade Fire is the next step in spiritual music's evolution, beyond Radiohead, U2 and VOL.

Its first EP made little splash, so many critics and listeners were not prepared for Arcade Fire's debut, Funeral (it reminds me of the early 80s when R.E.M.'s Chronic Town EP which no one heard was followed by Murmer, which blew my bedroom door off its hinges). A bunch of intellectual Canadians working as a community, led by a husband from Houston and his French Canadian wife, astonished listeners by conjuring up the spirits of the Talking Heads and Modest Mouse, while turning those bands on their heads through traditional instrumentation and

choir-like choruses. Funeral sounds like wheels coming off of a Gospel bus, chaotic but ordered, like the beginning of the universe or the warning shots of a band to be reckoned with for a long while.

It is an album that deals directly with the reality of death, but laughs heartily and hopefully in its face, daring it to direct confrontation. Its lens is the "neighborhood" handed to us by our parents. It is to be destroyed, but not angrily. It is to be confronted and destroyed to build a new world, one focused on faith, hope, love and community (a theme expanded upon on album #2). Does this sound familiar?

While not as spiritually direct as its follow up, Funeral speaks to us by creating otherworldly music and new hymns it will perfect on Neon Bible. They reach a transcendence on this album that contemporary praise and worship cannot, beyond the emotional heart pull of your typical never ending crescendo of praise choruses. Listen once to Wake Up and tell me you do not wish church music reached those heights, everyone singing in unison. It is an album of renewal.

But it does not prepare us for the intense spirituality of the next album; the main reason I consider Arcade Fire the official band of Emergent, or emerging Christianity. That album is entitled Neon Bible and I hope you own it. Named after John Kennedy Toole's first novel and sporting a sound church worship bands should study like a sacred text, Neon Bible declares what we considered a possibility with Funeral; this could be the new U2 or Bruce Springsteen (its musical poppa, along with Talking heads).

To call Neon Bible a dark album is to miss the point. Yes it is dark. Yes it is angry. Yes, it is intense and almost devoid of humor. However, like the film Magnolia, it builds the relentless despair to prepare the listener for the hope of the final quarter. In fact, the last 1/3 of the album is on par with the best album ending of all time (Abbey Road's final act). Built on a wholly emergent understanding of community, Arcade Fire shoot broadsides at the church, religion, America, consumerism, war and Western Culture in general. However, as Winn Butler said in an interview, He "is addressing religion in a way that only someone who actually cares about it can. It’s really harsh at times, but from the perspective of someone who thinks it has value.”

The ultimate goal of this album, stated in the same interview is to move beyond the fear which has caused so many of the problems our culture has. Winn states, “There are two kinds of fear: The Bible talks a lot about fear of God—fear in the face of something awesome. That kind of fear is the type of fear that makes someone want to change. But a fear of other people makes you want to stay the same, to protect what you have. It’s a stagnant fear; and it’s paralyzing." It is that fear that the emerging church is fighting, and these anthems should become part of its hymnody, a hymnody that stands against (according to Butler) "this idea that Christianity and consumerism are completely compatible, which I think is the great insanity of our times.”

The Christian themes of this album have been explored by those more talented than I, namely David Dark. However, I can tell you that no specifically Christian album has spoken to me like Neon Bible in many years. In fact, I put it with The Joshua Tree, The 77s, Killing Floor, Circle Slide and The Turning as the most spiritually significant albums of my lifetime.

From the Black Mirror of the opening track which illuminates the future, to the golden calf American Christianity has created in Neon Bible, the prophetic cry of Black Wave/ Bad Vibrations and the realization of the damage the church can do to those which love it in the grandiose hymn Intervention ('working for the church while your family dies"), the first half of the album pulls no punches in its indictment and I feel its weight. However, it does not prepare me for the power of Butler and company's descent into the heart of an American Christian (Jessica' Simpson's dad standing in for each of us) in struggling to do the right thing, while trying to live the American dream and failing miserably in the song (antichrist television blues). The final lyric of the song, "Oh Lord, am I the Antichrist" never leaves me without a chill down my spine.

And the album has not even approached its crescendo. Windowsill is probably the most preachy song on an album of sermons, but very few Christians have dealt with the subject of American power, Empire and consumerism in such a compelling manner. This song has become a personal anthem of mine, part of a ritual I do to focus myself when I become to enamoured with myself, my nation, or my lifestyle desires.

And then comes the hope. After showing us the condition of our hearts, our faith and our culture, Arcade Fire chooses to remind us that there is a hope beyond this world we know, one filled with community, connectivity and humanity at its best in No Cars Go. And of course, they end the album with a hymn (organ and all) dedicated to connection with each other and the world beyond in My Body is a Cage. Even though the singer lives in an age that calls darkness light, he cries to have his body and spirit set free.

Amen. Neon Bible is a litugry for these troubled times, a church service we need to go to this Good Friday and Easter, knowing from the darkness of Friday, hope arrives with resurrection Sunday.

An indictment of the American religious condition and Western culture that is only saved through personal responsibility for the needed changes based in community and hope for the future sounds like a Christian movement I want to be a part of. In fact, it sounds like a Christian movement I am part of. And that is why consider Arcade Fire the official band

of Emergent.

Arcade Fire's Neon Bible was my Top Album of 2007. Here is what I said about it then. link

* Michael Spadoni (Reax magazine)

3rd Album Theory (part 5, The Pantheon)

Pantheon Artists prove their greatness by album #3. These artists are like the NBA greats (Jordan, Bird, Magic, Duncan, Kobe), while the newer artists are like the NBA players that are on the cusp of all time greatness (Durant, Lebron, Wade, Carmelo and Paul). The obvious Pantheon Artists and their 3^rd album masterworks:

U2- War (and they kept improving on the next 3 albums)

Radiohead- O.K. Computer

Talking Heads- Fear of Music

Prince- Dirty Mind (you knew he was special and not even close to attaining what he was capable of)

The Clash- London Calling

Bruce Springsteen- Born to Run

David Bowie- The Man Who Sold the World

Jimi Hendrix- Electric Ladyland

The Who- The Who Sell Out

Led Zepplin- Led Zepplin III (not their best album, but still amazing)

The Velvet Underground- The Velvet Underground

Otis Redding- Otis Blue: Otis Redding Sings Soul

Metallica- Master of Puppets

Al Green- Al Green Gets Next To You

Elvis Costello- Armed Forces

Run- DMC- Raising Hell

The Smiths- The Queen is Dead

Not so obvious, but worth debating. For some it is too early to tell, while others may lead to people to disagree because their greatness is debated (i.e. Tom Petty, White stripes, Eminem, Aerosmith). But each of those created something masterful on number 3 and have sustained an excellent career arc:

The National- Alligator (sure, too early to tell and no one owns this album, but wow)

New Pornographers- Twin Cinema

The White Stripes- White Blood Cells (let the angry comments begin again)

The 77s- The 77s

The Choir- Chase the Kangaroo

Eminem- the Marshal Mathers Album

Aerosmith- Toys in the Attic (this surprised me, but I have to include it)

Ramones- Rocket to Russia

The Hold Steady- Boys and Girls in America

Tom Petty- Damn the Torpedoes

Vigilantes of Love- Killing Floor

Husker Du- Zen Arcade

3rd Album Theory (part 4, near greatness attained but not pantheon was shown by #3)

These artists did not hit complete stride until #4 or later (or we are waiting) with notable exceptions. They are GREAT artists and these are excellent albums, but not masterpieces. Therefore these artists are not transcendent/ pantheon artists. I compare these musicians to high level superstars in basketball (Stockton, Robinson, Malone, Shaq, Dr. J).

First of all, 3 that I am putting here with HUGE reservations. I want them on the Pantheon list, but will put them here for argument's sake:

R.E.M. - Fables of the Reconstruction (I am continually arguing with myself on this album. But, the formula decided they peaked on #4 & beyond, therefore they are not pantheon. It hurts to say it.)

The Replacements- Hootenanny (one of my pantheon bands, but I admit they may be a step below. But, man were the next 3 albums great! I was thinking of putting them down as an exception because I think they are pantheon.)

Outkast – Aquemini

Here are 2 that I am willing to revisit:

TV on the Radio – Dear Science

Frightened Rabbit- The Winter of Mixed Drinks (this frustrates me because this is a wonderful album, but not the masterpiece I had hoped would elevate them to future pantheon status. We could re-evaluate this album and find them on Mt Olympus. I hope so.)

Not quite Pantheon:

Jay Z- Vol. 2… Hard Knock Life

Public Enemy- Fear of a Black Planet (interesting case, because their masterpiece is album #2 and they never reached such heights again. But this is a very good LP))

Madonna- True Blue

Wilco- Summerteeth

Pearl Jam- Vitalogy

The Police- Zenyattà Mondatta

Smashing Pumpkins- Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

Nine Inch Nails- the Downward Spiral

Sigur Rós- ( )

Queen- Sheer Heart Attack

New Order- Low Life

Drive-by Truckers- Southern Rock Opera

Kiss- Dressed to Kill

ACDC- High Voltage

Tupac- Me Against the World (3^rd solo- his 3^rd album was w/ Thug Life)

Guns n’ Roses- Use Your illusion 1 and 2

Elton John- Tumbleweed Connection

Bright Eyes- Fevers and Mirrors

Roxy Music- Stranded

Lyle Lovett- Lyle Lovett and His Large Band

My Morning Jacket- It Still Moves (however, their first album was pretty raw and self made. If Z is considered their 3^rd album proper, they may need to be considered for future pantheon status)

Muse- Absolution

Spoon- Girls Can Tell

Sting- the Soul Cages

Sufjan Stevens- Michigan

3rd Album Theory (part 3, negative proof)

These artists proved they are not great upon release of #3 (so many of these bands had great 2^nd albums). Many of these artists are very good, kinda like an NBA All Star that will never make the HOF-some just never lived up to their potential (Bosh, Vince Carter, Tracy McGrady):

Coldplay- X & Y

System of a Down- Mesmerize (or Steal this Album depending which you thing is the really #3. Ultimately it doesn’t matter. Both are mediocre.)

The Cure- Faith (let the hateful comments commence. I don’t want them here, but the formula demands their inclusion here)

James Taylor- One Man Dog (told you so)

Blitzen Trapper- Destroyer of the Void (after their 2^nd album, I had high hopes)

Oasis- Be Here Now

Kanye West- Graduation (I am of the belief that he started with perfection and each album has been not as good as the preceding album)

Weezer- The Green Album (very good, but not after Pinkerton)

Lynyrd Skynyrd- Nuthin’ Fancy (this one hurts to put here)

Van Halen- Women and Children First

ABBA- ABBA (after reaching the heights of Waterloo on #2 and never again attaining it)

Eagles- On the Border

The Cars- Panorama (talk about a band peaking early- one of the best debut albums ever. Inclusion of the Cars hurts immensely)

The Cranberries- To the Faithful Departed

Duran Duran- Seven and the Ragged Tiger

The Gaslight Anthem- American Slang (decent album, but I had high hopes)

Kings of Leon- Because the Times

3rd Album Theory (part 2, the exceptions and complex cases))

Exceptions to the Rule, or complex cases

Pink Floyd is the most notable exception to my rule, but their band members were freaking out on heavy drugs during that time period and lacked a cohesive vision during their early years after Syd Barrett left.

Billy Joel is a confusing one due to his first album’s weakness and lack of solid production. Maybe he started before he was ready. He reminds me of a guy that left college too early for the NBA. I left him off due to it. Also, he may not be as good as I remember from childhood. Same thing with Jackson Browne.

Micheal Jackson does not fit into my scheme due to the lack of control for many of his early albums. Plus, I think he peaked on Off the Wall and Thriller and never was a pantheon musician, only a pantheon performer. If he were still alive, he would not be considered so god-like (look at where he ranked on lists of the great musicians of all time pre-death).

Songs of Love and Hate by Leonard Cohen is an exception to the rule. It is okay, but he is pantheon (maybe he was never a full album guy as much as a song guy).

Green Day confuses me also (Dookie is their #3). Are they merely decent or near that level below pantheon status. I am afraid they had one or two great albums in them, and that is it.

I don’t know what to do with Josh Ritter. He is heading steadily downhill after #4 (#3 is Hello Starling).

Mewithoutyou gave us Brother Sister as #3, a spectacular, masterful album, but they could be done.

Wu tang Clan is also terribly confusing. They peaked on the first couple of albums, as did NWA before crumbling under the weight of the personalities, even if there were 3^rd and 4^th albums.

Ryan Adams is too prolific to know what to do with. He gives us so much crap because I think he is a song guy, not an album guy.

There are also bands that never realized the potential due a career cut short, self destruction, death or implosion: these potentially great artists include The Fugees, Lauren Hill, Nirvana (Bleach is an interesting case as a 1^st album and I still don’t know how I really feel about In Utero), Jeff Buckley, Rage Against the Machine (had great #3, but left before reaching pantheon), Neutral Milk Hotel and Jane’s Addiction (had a crappy 3^rd album years after their brilliant debut and sophomore albums).

Bands I am looking forward to giving us #3 in the near future include: Elvis Perkins who has the potential for greatness, as do Titus Andronicus, K’naan and Lupe Fiasco. Vampire Weekend could be in this group if they stop being derivative.

Any thoughts?

Tomorrow, negative proof of the theory

3rd Album Theory (part 1, the theory)- 5 part series

Want proof that Coldplay is not a “special” band? Their 3^rd album X&Y

Want proof that U2 is a transcendent/ rock pantheon band? Their 3^rd album War

Want proof the Beastie Boys are somewhere in between? Their 3^rd album, Check Your Head

Want proof M.I.A. isn’t quite the pantheon artist we thought she would be? Her latest (3^rd) album. But, give this one time. It (and she) may be.

Want proof Arcade Fire is either a transcendent/ rock pantheon band or merely a really good band? Wait until next Tuesday and buy The Suburbs, their 3^rd album. It will tell you (early reviews are looking good).

While it has been rolling around my head for a long time, the sharing of this idea is precipitated by the fact that many bands were coming out with 3^rd albums this year, albums that could define them because they had the potential for greatness or really goodness, bands like: Frightened Rabbit, gaslight Anthem, Blitzen Trapper, and the aforementioned M.I.A. and Arcade Fire.

For a number of years I have subscribed to a musical premise that I call The 3^rd Album Theory. The above examples stand as proof of this hypothesis, irrefutable evidence of my conclusions that the truly great musicians have created a masterwork by album 3. In fact, they have usually already given indication that such a work is just around the corner after a phenomenal debut and avoidance of the dreaded sophomore slump (or, if there is a slump, it is only in light of the perfection attained on 1 and 3).

Some brilliant bands like Radiohead have already attained a masterpiece by album 2 (The Bends), yet do not retreat into the safe confines of re-creation on the next go around, pushing the boundaries beyond the listeners' comfort level to attain a level of artistry unexpected, even by those with high expectations. The yang to Radiohead’s ying is Coldplay. After a well received first album communicating high levels of potential they dropped the brilliant #2 record on audiences, A Rush of Blood to the Head before retreating into the dreaded attempt at re-creation instead of inspiration. It is tantamount to a potentially brilliant director heading into the comforts of big money sequels instead of pushing himself to new heights.

Christian bands are the worst about following success with failure. The Christian band DC Talk gave us Jesus Freak, a brilliant album (#4) before doing what Christian bands do upon creating a commercially successful crossover hit that is critically respected. They retreat into the safeness of re-creation of the album without the same level of passion or ambition (see Switchfoot, Amy Grant as further proof).

Sure the theory has exceptions. Dave Matthews Band’s 3^rd album was Beneath these Crowded Streets. They have never come close to attaining such an artistic, critical high in the aftermath. I feel the same about The Decemberists so far, after the heights of #3 (Picaresque) but that is open to debate. Also, bands that were discovered late and created their first albums with no production help can attain greatness later. The Roots, Regina Spektor and Beck fall into this category or have the potential to. They are like a brilliant pitcher relegated to the minor leagues a little too long.

The other caveat is the 60s. We must remember that until the mid-60s, the album was merely a receptacle for individual songs. Aside from jazz musicians, popular musicians were not thinking cohesively about albums on a regular basis. This is why Bob Dylan (early albums were great, but not cohesive until #5 Bringing It All Back Home), The Beach Boys (I would argue that Pet Sounds is really their 3^rd album) and The Beatles (I would argue that Rubber Soul is really their 3^rd album), along with the Rolling Stones (again, either Aftermath or Their Satanic Majesty’s Request is 3^rd), Marvin Gaye, Bob Marley and Stevie Wonder (Talking Book is the 3^rd album he had the power to create) did not perfect the art of the album until they had the power to create art out of their singular vision as opposed to the record company execs concerned merely with singles and the quick buck (Oh my goodness, history is cyclical in nature). Only when they realized that the album gave them a higher profit margin and kept the artist happy did executives yield to the new art form.

However, since the advent of the album as the definition of self sustained musical vision, a number of artists have attempted to create perfection, with some attaining it numerous times (U2, The Beatles, Radiohead and Prince), while others have merely given listeners one perfect album for which we should be grateful (Wilco, Jeff Buckley, Public Enemy and Lauren Hill).

Sadly, the future does not look good for albums. With iTunes and downloading singles, along with pirating, we have re-entered the era of singles. However, it is my hope that other artists will be inspired by the great works of the past to create their own singular albums... just know that if they ain't done it by #3, they ain't going on Mount Olympus.

tomorrow, exceptions to the rule

Macheads-not that there's anything wrong with that

A documentary about people with a slavish devotion to Apple products, not that anyone reading this blog would know any such strange and tragic figures. Still, worth a watch to see the type of people that are nothing like any of those reading this blog on their Macs, iPads and iPhones.

Watch more free documentaries

I write like

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I kept running my writing through this writer analysis and it tells me I write like DFW usually (when not doing straight satire) and James Joyce at other times. DFW is one of my favorites and JJ I can live without. While I think anyone with sloppy, stream of conscious, rambling writing will get these 2 (which means all bloggers), I will still take DFW- probably because I use so many parentheticals.

Some of my more satirical writings (the ones built like news stories) get compared to Dan Brown and JJ. My last Mark Driscoll/ Lebron piece got compared to Chuck Palahniuk which is frightening. I am guessing they get compared to Brown because they sound like crappily written pieces of crap that make no sense.

Free Agent Preacher Driscoll to Announce New City for Pastoring Live tonight

After weeks of discussion, sources are announcing that Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, the star free agent preacher of 2010, will be announcing his future plans live on TheChurchChannel tonight at 9PM from the offices of the International Justice Mission in D.C. All proceeds from the announcement will be given to IJM.

While it is not known what Rev. Driscoll will do, his entourage has been taking calls from pulpits around the world, fielding offers and crunching numbers. While many pastors have reupped with their home teams, others have chased the money and potential from church plants and established pulpits in other cities.

Speculation has reached a fever pitch in this summer of the free agent preachers. Already this week, Rick Warren has re-signed with Saddleback for the maximum contract, as have Andy Stanley and Bill Hybels with their churches. Ed Young, Jr. has announced he will be leaving Fellowship of Grapevine for the sun and fun of South Beach. A spokesman for Young stated that "we should not be surprised. The lifestyle of Miami is more conducive to Pastor Young's ministry gifts."

In fact, earlier today, Rob Bell announced via twitter that he would be leaving Grand Rapids, Michigan, a truly dreadful place, for the challenges of San Diego, California. Said Bell, in 140 characters or less, "yo peeps, Love G Rap but 2 cold, the Bell needs sunshine and a congregants w/ cash money. Trading specs for sunglasses."

With the other top free agent's announcements, the pressure is mounting for Driscoll, whose options are endless and ego demands a larger stage than twitter or a blog. Says a spokesman, "Mark has chosen to announce his intentions via television. He feels that the excitement surrounding his free agency is something that must be used for the Gospel of Jesus Christ on the biggest stage available. Sadly, no one on CNN, ESPN or Bravo took our calls. This is all we could get."

While potential followers and fans in New York, Minneapolis, Las Vegas and London are teeming with excitement, the congregants of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, the church he began in 1996, are nervously awaiting the announcement, speaking out on fan forums and throwing rallies, like the one in Seattle's Ballard neighborhood which drew tens of people last month.

Says longtime parishioner, Mike Stewart, "now I don't want to get in trouble with the elders for speaking out, but Mark is Seattle and Seattle is Mark. We built each other and to think he might throw away his loyalty to us, which is tattooed on his back, is sickening. To think of him leaving us for a city like New York saddens his fans. If he leaves, I am throwing away my autographed copy of his book Reformissionary!"

Another church member, speaking on condition of anonymity since she is female, said this, "we are all witnesses to his rise and we better not be witnesses to his departure. If he leaves us via television, it will be like a knife in the back and he will be booed when he comes back."

While some are speaking out, others are praying for Driscoll's love of Seattle coffee and its homegrown beers to draw him home.

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Cities vying for Mark Driscoll and odds:

Seattle (45% chance)- his hometown, Driscoll loves the city, built the church from scratch into a megamachine. However, the winters are dreary and he realizes it is not a world class city. The gloomy rock scene has seen its better days and jobs are leaving town. It is not as hip as it was in the 90s.

New York City (25%)- The potential of preaching alongside Tim Keller at Redeemer and having access to the greatest city in the world, along with its denizens must be alluring. One church with 2 mega-preaching stars would crush the competition. Plus, Keller is turning 60 and has indicated he is interested in retiring in the near future, leaving the pulpit to Driscoll alone. However, the cost of living is high. It is far from friends and family and the coffee sucks.

Minneapolis (15%)- With his mentor John Piper on a long sabbatical, the elders of Bethlehem Baptist Church are pining for a suitable replacement. Besides his mouth, Driscoll fits the bill. With his fierce intellect, reformed credentials and powerful preaching, the potential for growth is huge. However, many members of the church do not like funny preachers, as evidenced by John Piper sermons. Also, Driscoll does not like extreme winters where there is no water. He does like the challenge of going face-to-face with Emerging Church leaders in the city.

London (10%)- The chance to be in one of the biggest cities in the world, full of Muslims to convert or piss off, is alluring. Also, the beer choice is extraordinary, even if the coffee and food choices are mildly outputting. Most interesting to Driscoll is the chance to follow in the footsteps of his favorite all time preacher, Spurgeon. However, the extreme openness to all opinions would make Driscoll's message less offensive and interesting to Londoners and his form of humor does not always translate to British sensibilities. Also, the British men tend to be effeminate (and he hates soccer).

Las Vegas (5%)- An early front-runner, Driscoll is not as interested in starting a new church. However, he realizes in Vegas he can say anything he wants and it will be acceptable. Plus, there is so much sin for him to go after. In fact, he can preach a full year just on the evils of gambling and strippers. However, he understands that "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" and Driscoll is not interesting in his message staying anywhere.

Stay Tuned...

Other Proposed Resolutions for Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) 2010

In an effort to stay relevant in American society, the Southern Baptist Convention has begun a new program called the Great Commission Resurgence to redouble its commitment to evangelism and church growth, giving 110%, instead of the 105% they had been giving during the past decades. As anyone that follows sports knows, 105% is the same as 10% and results in never winning, especially in church growth.

One of the main ways Southern Baptists have stayed relevant in American society is through their use of resolutions at their yearly convention. These resolutions bring debate over contentious and hot button issues to the masses and allow for Baptists to inform the world of how they feel about specific subjects, therefore “taking a stand” and “keeping it real” as they communicate the love and grace of God to a world in need of it (oh, and God’s wrath and judgment also).

During the past 100 years Southern Baptists have made the evening news with classic (I will give a Top 10 list of my favorite REAL resolutions later this week) resolutions like Boycott of Disney in 1996. This year, we have a few new resolutions destined to make future Baptists proud and the world go, huh?

Making sure the world knows where they stand on every issue; here are the Top 10 Resolutions for Discussion at 2010 Southern Baptist Convention in Orlando:

10. As previously mentioned in this blog: Resolution to Boycott “painter” Thomas Kinkade in light of his recent arrest for DUI.

9. As previously mentioned: Resolution to Invite Big 12 schools into the Southern Baptist Convention.

8. Resolution to add heavier menu items to Tea Party Rallies throughout the nation. Says Albert Mohler, “we know the Tea Party movement is largely led by Southern Baptists and their friends. However, we believe the idea of a tea party is fairly childish and effeminate and ask to add Fried Chicken and Macaroni Salad, along with sweet tea to the menu for all rallies. We are considering a proposal to change the name to Sweet Tea Party movement thereby reflecting an important segment of the demographic of this important movement.”

7. Resolution to add to the Baptist Faith in Message, 2000 an addendum explaining that, “while the offices of pastor and deacon are explicitly male, as spelled out clearly in Scripture, a woman may be elected President of the United States and hold that office with support of Southern Baptist voters, if she holds the following criteria: she is Republican, she is evangelical, she is pretty hot for her age, she is not married to a former president.” Current prohibitions for pastors and deacons are still in effect for all other women.

6. Resolution to ask Congress to consider changes to the military policy of “Don’t Ask: Don’t Tell.” While many are hoping for a different change of this policy, Southern Baptists are concerned than overturning it will lead to Baptist Chaplains right to free speech taken from them. They will no longer be able to name this sin if the US Military allows The Gays to serve with impunity. The SBC will resolve to change the policy to “Do Ask: Do Tell: Do Tell Them They Are Going to Hell.”

5. Resolution to ask the Gores to seek family counseling and repair their marriage. Says Mohler, “even as a godless Democrat who cares about the earth way too much, we want to see Al Gore and his wife live their lives together and hope and pray for their reconciliation.”

4. Resolution to encourage Lifeway to consider Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged as central curriculum for Vacation Bible School in 2012.

3. Resolution to dismiss all Mayan and Hollywood claims the world will end in 2012 as bogus examples of New Age philosophy, paganism and postmodern hokum in which all Apocalyptic claims outside the parameters of Biblical literature are given a voice in our highly “spiritual but not religious” society of tolerance for all besides those giving the truth of Revelation. An addendum by Acts 29 Baptist pastors to reprimand John Cusack for his participation in this film, while praising him for all other roles was summarily dismissed by the Executive Committee.

2. Resolution to boycott Sex in the City 2 as not only an immoral film pushing promiscuity, alcoholism, hedonism and a homosexual agenda, but also an awful movie that was not even funny. We will consider a resolution condemning Transformers 3 next year for being even worse.

1. Resolution to commend Glenn Beck for standing up to the left-wing Sojourners organization and Jim Wallis and his insistence that Social Justice is a mark of Christianity. Social and Economic redistribution of resources, while a mark of the early church, are not central tenants of modern American Baptist Christianity and not within our Baptist Faith and Message, 2000. While churches may choose to give money and help to the poor, they are not to advocate politically except on issues of morality, such as abortion, taxation, Federalism, school vouchers, homosexuality, the 2^nd Amendment, Islamic invasions and the heredity of the President.

The resolution to ignore the Emerging Church movement as inconsequential and unworthy of discussion was tabled until 2011.

If you want to see what kind of resolutions Southern Baptists are really considering this week, Big Daddy Weave is actually helpful (as opposed to me, which is not).

Southern Baptists extend invitation to University of Texas and other Big 12 schools

Resolution concerning Expansion of Southern Baptist Convention and the Kingdom of God through the Great Commission Resurgence and Conference Realignment

June 15, 2010

WHEREAS, Historically, Southern Baptists have resisted ecumenism while embracing Christian brotherhood and cooperation with other groups representing Christianity and

WHEREAS, We have witnessed in recent years the portrayal of denominations as barriers to be overcome on the road to unity; and

WHERAS, WE have seen millions of college age Christians leave the faith of their parents behind while studying for future employment and enjoying college sporting events; and

WHEREAS, Southern Baptists must be radically committed to the expansion of the Kingdom of God and the influence of the Southern Baptist Convention by new and innovative means in the face of post-modernity and the increasing hostility to Biblical Christianity, including the Great Commission Resurgence; and

WHEREAS, Southern Baptist influence is strongest in the region of the country under the dominion of the Southeastern Conference (SEC) and Big 12 Conference; and

WHEREAS, interlopers representing Hedonistic interests of the Secular PAC 10 and the Catholic Rust Belt controlled Big 10 have begun to expand their reach into regions under the jurisdiction of the BIG 12 and Southern Baptists, stealing universities from non-SBC strongholds Colorado and Nebraska; and

WHEREAS, True Biblical unity can only be realized in the bond of truth, and never at the expense of Biblical truth; Now, therefore,

BE IT RESOLVED, That the Southern Baptist Convention meeting, June 15-17, 2010, in Orlando, FL, urges the Boards and Agencies of the Southern Baptist Convention to offer membership into the Southern Baptist Convention to the University of Texas, Texas A&M, Oklahoma, Texas Tech, Missouri and Oklahoma State, as well as maintaining the historic position of Southern Baptists as they cooperate with various other groups in appropriate evangelistic enterprises, and on issues of justice, morality, religious liberty, education and FOOTBALL both at home and abroad; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That inclusion of the Baylor University, a Texas Baptist affiliated university, is dependent upon both obedience to the doctrines of the Southern Baptist Message and Faith, 2000 and the improvement of its football program; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That inclusion of the University of Kansas, Kansas State University and Iowa State University into the Southern Baptist Convention’s expansion plans is dependent upon greater success in football, as the expense of “urban” sports such as basketball; And

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the Southern Baptist Convention membership urges the Southeastern Conference (SEC) to consider membership and inclusion of the new SBC related college programs at its next Annual Meeting, and that the previous BIG 12 prayerfully considers the offer from both the Southern Baptist Convention and SEC.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That such efforts not commit Southern Baptists to any organizational or long-term relationship which would risk possible compromise of historic distinctive or the unique witness of Southern Baptists to the world and football related activities; and

FINALLY, BE IT RESOLVED, That we encourage Southern Baptists to maintain their commitment to the SouthEastern Conference (SEC) by giving priority in time, talent and resources to the work of this football and Christianity influenced region.

SBC resolution on Thomas Kinkade's DUI

Digging through the stacks of resolutions at this year's Southern Baptist Convention meeting in Orlando, I stumbled across this resolution, in wake of "painter" Thomas Kinkade's recent DUI arrest.

Resolution on Thomas Kinkade’s DUI and SBC memberships ownership of his paintings

WHEREAS, Southern Baptists have for many over ten years have enjoyed and trusted Thomas Kinkade’s paintings of light which have reinforced basic Christian American virtues and values; and

WHEREAS, The virtues promoted by Kinkade have contributed to the development of an industry in which Christians are willing to express their faith through the display of landscapes extolling those values with the inclusion of wonderfully lit churches, homes and schools; and

WHEREAS, in recent days, Thomas Kinkade has given the appearance that the promotion of alcohol consumption is more important than his historic commitment to traditional family values, haven taken a direction which is contrary to the prohibition of alcohol consumption by Christians; and

WHEREAS, in recent days, Thomas Kinkade has been arrested under the suspicion of driving while under the influence of alcohol in California, a notoriously liberal state in need of God’s judgment; and

WHEREAS , This and other decisions and actions represent a significant departure from a Christian family-values image, and a gratuitous insult to Baptists who have long supported Kinkade’s painting career and contributed to his corporate profits; and

WHEREAS, Boycotts are a legitimate method for communicating moral convictions; now, therefore,

BE IT RESOLVED, We as Southern Baptist messengers meeting in annual session on June 15-17, 2010, go on record expressing our deep disappointment for these actions by Thomas Kinkade; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That we encourage Southern Baptists to give serious and prayerful reconsideration to their purchase and support of Thomas Kinkade products, and to boycott The Thomas Kinkade Company and stores if he continues alcohol consumption, including the destruction of previously owned paintings and prints; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That we encourage the Christian Life Commission to monitor Kinkade’s progress in returning to a lifestyle of tee-totaling; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That we encourage state Baptist papers and national Southern Baptist publications to assist in informing the Southern Baptist family of these issues; and

FINALLY, BE IT RESOLVED, That the Convention requests the Executive Committee to send a copy of this resolution to Thomas Kinkade and to encourage the Southern Baptist family to support this boycott with our purchasing power, letters and influence.

in case you are wondering, the text of this is very similar to the 1996 SBC Resolution to Boycott Disney

realignment fever is not just for colleges. It is for churches, too.

Orlando- The past few weeks have seen a flurry of activity among NCAA universities as the Big 10 began the present flurry of activity of mascot trading among athletic conferences. Power conferences such as the Big 10 and Pac-10 attempt to expand their horizons into new territories in a Jabez-esque fashion while the Big 12 fails to keep the hordes of marauding orcs of the Sauron-like commissioners of those conferences outside their gates. In its typically copycat fashion, the Christian church has chosen to respond in similar fashion.

At a recent meeting of the leaders of the Gospel Coalition and Southern Baptist Convention in advance of the SBC meeting in Orlando, FL, possible expansion was discussed. It is believed that the Gospel Coalition, consisting of SBC pastors, as well as those of other conservative denominations and mega-church pastors like Josh Harris and Mark Driscoll, is willing to allow itself to move to this powerful conference. However, negotiations hit snags on 2 main issues, Infant Baptism and alcohol.

The SBC has offered membership to all Gospel Coalition represented churches, even those that practice Infant Baptism. However, each of these churches must show willingness to change its view on alcohol consumption. Convention spokesman, Lewis Granger told reporters, “We are willing to take the bold step of offering membership to practitioners of infant baptism for the sake of expanding our membership base and creating new revenue sources coming from an increased number of churches. However, we will not release our convictions that alcohol consumption, while not specifically banned in the Bible, is wrong. No increase in numbers of young people will change that. Plus, as we know, they can still drink. They just keep it on the down low.”

Gospel Coalition members from Presbyterian churches, as well as Mars Hill Church in Seattle have released a statement that they will not join the new expanded SBC. Instead they will create a mega-conference with the American Anglican Church, Presbyterian Church in America, the Origins network and conservative branches of mainline denominations in which alcohol consumption is not forbidden. Invitations are to be extended next week.

Seeing these realignments as a threat to their existence, the Emerging Church networks have chosen to formalize membership and admit to its Liberal leanings by creating a new conference (“we are not a denomination,” explains spokesman Steve Knight). The groundwork has been laid in the past, but invitations will be given to major US denominations, including the Presbyterian Church(USA), United Methodist Church, United Church of Christ and non-Southern Baptist baptist groups. Hopes are growing amongst the leaders of these groups.

Says Knight, “We expect to compete in the future with the mega-SBC and Gospel/ Beer Coalition for book deals, events as well as people. As you may know, our openness on pretty much every subject, besides social justice, ecumenism and economic redistribution make us attractive to anyone left of center on anything. We have asked most African American denominations to join, but our lack of relevance to their daily lives leads them to consider staying put. We will keep asking, and keep growing.” When asked if invitations will be extended to Sojourners, leaders of the new Emerged Church Conference were coy, due to recent incidents related to diversity.

Christianity Today’s Andy Crouch believes this is just the beginning of a complete overhaul of the denominational structure of the United States. “Don’t be surprised to see some of the groups consider aligning with those groups they were historically predisposed to hate, like the SBC and Catholics or Mormons. I expect groups like the Emerged Church to join forces with Reformed Judaism and Buddhism. However, their overtures to Islam will be rebuffed. Islam does not need them as it expands on its own.”

Free agents like Rob Bell, Donald Miller and Tim Keller are yet to announce their future plans, leading to speculation they will begin their own conference.

Family Research Council Celebrates Rush Limbaugh's 4th Marriage

Press Release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: June 6, 2010
CONTACT: _________________, (866) FRC-NEWS

Family Research Council joins with Focus on the Family and the Christian Coalition in Congratulating Rush Limbaugh on the occasion of his 4^th Marriage

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Family Research Council joins with other family values organizations, including the Traditional Values Coalition, Focus on the Family, the Christian Coalition and the Eagle Forum in celebrating the recent marriage of pro-family values proponent Rush Limbaugh.

This is the fourth time Mr. Limbaugh has consecrated himself to the most sacred of institutions, the marriage of a heterosexual man to a heterosexual woman, both of Christian stock. Limbaugh, 59, married Kathryn Rogers, 33 at a beautiful wedding extolling the primacy of Christ while Elton John sang Candle in the Wind and Rocketman to the 400 guests, most of whom represented traditional Christian/ American values like marriage, free market capitalism and heterosexuality. The guest list included Rudy Giuliani (entered the sacred covenant of marriage 3 times), Newt Gingrich (entered the covenant 3 times), Sean Hannity, Mark Sanford, John Ensign and Larry Craig.

Mr. Limbaugh has supported the same family friendly agenda advocated by Family Research Council and been a friend and supporter of traditional values for decades. His former wives have also supported our many causes. He and Gingrich have been at the forefront of reminding America that it is strengthened by Family and Faith (along with military power, guns, lower taxes and free-market capitalism) serving on numerous committees and boards dealing with Covenant Marriage and other such endeavors. Each has become a revered expert on what it takes for marriage to work. We are proud to call such Family Men our friends.

Elton John’s performance at the wedding has caused controversy among many other conservative groups. However, John is not a supporter of gay marriage, only civil unions, which are opposed by the FRC. However, he is British. We cannot expect Christian values from those in Godless Europe. Also, the music of Elton John is popular among the staff at the FRC, as long as it is freely downloaded and no resources are put in the pocket of those with a gay agenda.

Area resident and former Republican congressman Mark Foley (gay) was barred from the wedding at the request of traditional values leadership.

intercepted memo regarding Spirituality in Film and TV

CONFIDENTIAL MEMO. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

Dear Hayden,

As you know we are in the midst of a crisis around the studios of the Entertainment Industrial Complex today. With the loss of our signature Pseudo-Spiritual Entertainment (PSE) franchise, LOST, we need to find a new one NOW! I am getting calls from many advertisers, and, as you know, we are in the business of selling things, not making enlightenment available to all suckers seekers.

Our fear is that, since there is a vacuum right now, it could be filled by something truly spiritual or transcendent, instead of one of our PSEs which are verifiably proven through years of market research and tight formulization to manifest the highest possible profit margin, even though the number of participants in relatively low, through the use of this open-ended quasi-spiritual mumbo jumbo that can be interpreted in any way the viewer chooses. If we don’t fill the void, something else will, and precious dollars and energy will be lost (and given to someone else).

You may not know how we have done this in the past, but we found this formula by accident in the 90s with The X-Files. Had there been no internet, this phenomenon would have subsided quickly; as it did with Twin Peaks (can we start discussions for a reboot on this?). However, young Christians and spiritual seekers latched on to the show like a baby to its mother’s breast. They created forums, websites, tributes, books and academic papers.

When we created that show, it was meant to scare people and keep them coming back through a serialized format. However, that stupid poster of the UFO an intern brought in from his brother’s college dorm room (you know who that intern is now? That is correct. He helmed Final Destination III.) with the words “I Want to Believe” made these Christians and other religious types think there was some sort of Spiritual Point to the show. Once we noticed it, we pushed it forward. They bought in hook-line-and-sinker. This was our first official PSE. We had not perfected the formula, as we did with LOST. It did go off the rails, because we had no experience. Of course, the Millennium experiment was our first causality. But, to create an omelet, you must break some eggs.

Around this time, the Wachowskis were shopping around that dumb video game movie. Seriously, they had Keanu Reeves as the lead. What a joke. Anyway, one of my studio heads shared the PSE idea with them. They loved it, threw in a stew of different religious symbols (Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism and a few more), renamed the lead character Neo (The One)- his original name was Buzz- and had him die and be reborn. Next thing you know Buddhists are talking about it and Christians are latching on to it as some sort of Christ metaphor (seriously, name a movie without a Christ figure) just cause we knew they would love it when Neo died and was reborn (I was thinking of Phoenix from the X-Men comics myself, not Jesus). They wrote books, had sermon series, college classes and created entire curriculums. Hell, there have been dissertations on this film- and it stars Keanu Reeves. Brilliant!

We realized this is gold. But, like the story goes, we went to the well too much with The Matrix. We threw too many religions into the mix and ruined the gumbo on the last 2. This told us we needed a beginning and an end. It also told us that we don’t really need coherence, as long as there is mystery. See, with mystery and a lot of religious crap (churches, light, crosses, doves, candles, Christ figures, martyrdom, redemption, crises of faith), you can sell anything. Just don’t be too obvious. That is why Passion of The Christ worked with the greater population but not with these young Christians, Jews and spiritual seeker types. They don’t want anything handed to them in an obvious manner (not even their own Bible and faith). They want to be strung along (they call it journey, narrative and story), which is good for us. You can wring a lot more out of someone if you keep him strung along for years. The tobacco industry taught us that oneJ

Hence, LOST. The formula, when created according to specifications, is foolproof. Coherence and character development are not needed. Just mystery on top of mystery with a few answers in the midst of the MacGuffins and Red Herrings. Need proof? You have seen Contact (made while formula was still in development), The X-Men movies (heck most of the superhero genre), Battlestar Galactica, Book of Eli (anything post-apocalyptic), Signs, The Village and Avatar. They are all stops on the journey to perfection (I think our PIXAR division is the closest).

Please understand, the formula can be tweaked. We tweaked it for The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, 24 (it works with politics also). Some of the tweaked film successes are The Potter series, The Truman Show, Gattaca and Magnolia (the smart Christians saw through American Beauty). It even works with music. They love this mystical spiritual, could be talking about God or my girlfriend, but with religious symbolism pabulum. Have you heard Coldplay? We are trying a bluegrass version right now called Mumford and Sons. They are better than Coldplay, but who can tell what they are talking about? That is the point. Anything you want. We call the musical concoction The Bono. Of course, if you mix The Bono with The Springsteen, the gold standard is achieved (Arcade Fire).

However, if you are too obvious you get Superman Returns or Heroes. If you mess with it too much you get The Happening, Jericho or Flash Forward. Oops.

And that is what leads us to where we are at this moment. We need a new PSE. There are some pilots in the works and Coldplay has an album this year. On the movie front we have coming this year, The Last Airbender, Inception and Jonah Hex, but all are risky endeavors. However, nothing strings people along like television. We need a meeting like, last week. Set something up with the heads of all divisions and all networks. I am getting calls from potential advertisers like Target, Honda, Fed Ex and Coke demanding a new product.

Sincerely,

S. S.

Mini Review of The Hold Steady's Heaven is Whenever

Heaven is Whenever by The Hold Steady- Continually perfecting their Bukowski soaked, Springsteen influenced fractured hymns for lapsed Catholics, the quintessential bar band is now offering a reprieve from the 1^st person narratives of alcohol drenched sin and heartbreak longing for unattained salvation by growing up just a bit… as they make the kids sing along. “Hurricane J” is a revelation. On the downside; No songs about Ybor City.

Ways LOST could end

I don't watch the show, but I have seen a lot of TV. Here are my thoughts on how LOST could end:

1. Star Matthew Fox will wake up, shower and walk downstairs… and on to the set of Party of 5, as star Charlie Salinger. He will then tell the rest of that cast, including Neve Campbell and Jennifer Love Hewitt about this weird dream he had last night (which entails all 5 seasons of LOST). The final episode will end with “Closer to Free” by the BoDeans.
2. It will end with the main characters airlifted off the island. An “other” will be left standing there. They will look down and the word “Goodbye” will be spelled out in shells and coconuts. They will smile at each other knowingly.
3. The living characters will sit in a New Jersey diner with Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” rolling over the end credits.
4. The screen will pan out. We will see the LOST Island is really a diorama of an island in the hands of a young autistic boy, sharing his school project. The whole thing has been in his brain.
5. Everyone will die on the island besides 1 (I am not telling you who). He will then find a package from Fed Ex with a volleyball he names Wilson. He will then talk to the volleyball for an inordinately long period of time. He will eventually fashion a craft and escape the island. He will deliver another Fed Ex package to a single lady and be happy, even though all his friends are dead. A Coldplay song will play over the ending.
6. The remaining characters will take a celebratory 3 hour cruise on the SS Minnow with a skipper and first mate. They will be restranded on the same island setting up a spin off. This time it will be a comedy.
7. It will be an alternate universe setting up a future as seen in JJ Abrams Star Trek. Kate Austin will end up marrying Tiberious Kirk, thereby becoming the great-great-great-great grandmother of James T. Kirk.
8. The monster from JJ Abrams’ film Cloverfield is really living on the island. It will escape. Everyone will die. A Ronnie James Dio song will play over the ending. It was a prequel to his movie.
9. The remaining characters will be flying back to the island, but make a stopover in Latham, MA due to a small crisis on the plane. They will witness a carjacking and refuse to help. They will be arrested under a new ordinance which demands bystanders help those in need. During a trial, they will be visited by former islanders, all living normal lives. They will then be prosecuted and sentenced to 1 year in prison. The finale will suck.
10. Fox Mulder will be called in to investigate. He will believe the stories. Scully will be skeptical. We will learn it was all a plot of a shadow US government perpetrated by the smoking man. Nothing will be answered and everyone will be disappointed. A movie will be planned but no one will care because they have moved on to other things.

The real ending:

C’mon, you know they all really died on the plane crash and this is purgatory.

What you didn’t know about the show:

1. Being a former Scientologist, JJ Abrams has really been creating a metaphor for the religion. Those on the LOST Island are really representing those who attempt to escape the clutches of Scientology with the consequences usually dire. He had to keep it hidden because Tom Cruise would be really mad. All the crazy things in the show are really basic tenants of Ron Hubbard theology. It is really pretty obvious.

mini review of Titus Andronicus' the Monitor

The Monitor by Titus Andronicus- The year’s best album is what sneering punk rock sounds like when marching through the Civil War as metaphor for the desolation of modern America as seen through the eyes of disaffected youth in the Aughts. These young men sound like Conor Oberst fronting The Replacements with J Mascis of Dinosaur Jr on guitar as they sneak through New Jersey backyards (of Mr. Springsteen, of course) with an American Idiot (if you get even a fraction of the references, you will love this).

Best appropriation of a classic song lyric in quite a while, "tramps like us, baby we were born to die."