I care deeply about Social Justice, except when it comes to my computer

VS

This is possibly the most controversial blog posting I have created. It is not particularly poignant or well written. But, in some ways I hope it gets traction to further a conversation not happening. Of course, I can imagine the reaction, even from some of my progressive social justice oriented friends. Why? Because I am questioning one of their first loves and a VERY SACRED COW in the world in which I reside, something that (from tweets and facebook statuses) seems to take precedence over every other issue in their lives.

In fact, regarding this subject I was going to do one of my typically sardonic and immature satirical pieces in which I have Steve Jobs introducing the iPad to a pastor's conference saying it will cause people to read the Bible and do more for Christianity that anything since the printing press and Gutenberg Bible. But, I changed my mind and decided to be more pointed. It all came down this week because everyone was talking about Steve Jobs and his introduction of another gadget, as Bill Gates got no traction for his announcement of the aims of his foundation for 2010. Of course, while one will let us read books and surf the web in cool new ways, it won't save the life of a damn soul. The other just might.

So are my questions (and I say this as a household in which 3 iPods, 1 iPhone and an older Mac Book reside).

sure I am setting up a bit of a false dichotomy for my own selfish purposes

Why does our love of technology trump our love of Social justice? Why do we still vilify (to an extent) Bill Gates, going out of our way to dismiss him while treating Steve Jobs as the second coming of Jesus and every product he sells us for an inflated price as Gifts from the Magi?

Why do we skewer consumerism, especially in the church and amongst those we disagree with while acting like children following the Pied Piper of hyper-consumerism when it comes to technology?

Why do we hand our money to Steve Jobs and ask nothing about what he does with said money? Why don't we rush out to buy Microsoft products, even if they are not superior (and less cool) to Apple products? Have you seen how Bill Gates chooses to spend his money? Have you seen another person so hellbent on spending every penny he has for the betterment of the world around him?

So many people that talk about how america spends its money, how churches and corporations pend their money fall silent when the conversation turns to Apple vs. Microsoft. Why is that?

I heard an interview with Bill Gates from a few years ago in which he calls himself a "steward" over and over again, in which he said he plans to leave $100 million for each of his children and will spend the rest on trying to save the world from poverty, malnutrition, disease and lack for education. Sure, leaving his kids $100 million apiece sounds ridiculous to us, until we realize that is like a millionaire leaving each kid $10K.

In my search for Steve Jobs and Apple's charitable contributions I found very little. It is my hope that it is because he is a notoriously private man that gives away millions of dollars per year behind the scenes. Sadly, he has a reputation for giving very little away. Of course, Bill Gates reputation for giving is well deserved.

Look at this book of Steve Job's philanthropy (it is a joke, but there may be some reason it is out there)

Here is an article from 4 years ago asking which one should be the bigger star

Here is Bill Gates latest letter from his foundation, along with an interview

Again, I am not questioning Steve Jobs, as much as I am asking which company deserves a little less grief from supporters of Social Justice issues that tell everyone to put their money where their mouth is in every area... besides the cool stuff we buy. I am questioning our commitment to put our money where our mouth is and to ask some questions of the maker of our most precious products.

I must say, in the end one will be remembered for what he did with what he was given more than he will be remembered for all the cool things he made (sounds almost Biblical). I have no idea about the other guy. But, I know which one I will be telling my grandkids about and hoping they emulate.

more on the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation

my new music obsession

I really dig this new British band called Mumford and Sons. Imagine Frightened Rabbit mixed with Avett Brothers. Their album comes out in the states next month (beware of one dirty word, sang a bunch).

Today’s gay Atlanta Residents Caused Atlanta to be destroyed by God (through Sherman) in 1964

Upon hearing news that Advocate magazine has named Atlanta the gayest city in America, Pat Robertson released a statement declaring a retroactive curse upon the city. While this is his first such announcement, Robertson assures his viewers that such curses are regular weapons in God’s arsenal.

“Atlanta has been cursed for being the gayest city in America. In fact, God preemptively cursed the city by sending General William T Sherman to the city in 1864 to burn it to the ground,” said Robertson earlier today. He continued, “God, in his foreknowledge understood that Atlanta would one day embrace an unrepentant gay lifestyle, so he judged it, cursed it and destroyed it almost 150 years before the city would understand the curse. America's God has the option to act unilaterally and preemptively when needed. Today we understand why.”

When asked for comment on other cities God destroyed,especially during Sherman's campaign of destruction, Robertson said he would have to get his research team, comprised of grad students from Regent University, to dig through documents to figure out what God was cursing them for. ABC’s Rock Chinley asked about slavery to which Robertson responded, “that was not the reason for God’s curse. Sure it was the stated reason for Northern aggressors, but the southern states did not understand the issue as we do today. It is much different and God only curses homosexuality, liberalism, Devil Worship and the ACLU."

thanks to my friend Krystal for inspiring the idea for this post

see more Epic Fails

In an attempt to Sway Christian Voters, Obama moves State of the Union away from LOST premiere

After his fiascos surrounding the preemption of the Charlie Brown Christmas special, in which it was brought to light by a Tennessee mayor that President Obama, as a closet Muslim, was intentionally trying to destroy the Christian message, Obama’s spokesman, Robert Gibbs announced today that Obama will not preempt the season debut of LOST for his already scheduled State of The Union address on February 2. Instead, the State of the Union address will be on January 27, according to the White House.

According to Gibbs, “Obama understands the importance of LOST to Christians throughout the United States and after the unfortunate mistake surrounding the Charlie Brown Christmas special, Obama has heeded the advice of his Christian friends, supporters and counselors by changing his address date. It has been difficult to keep up with the scheduling of LOST, since they seem to work hard to make people confused about when it will be on. However, after speaking to head of nighttime programming at ABC, we have chosen to give America what it wants.”

“Why LOST and not another program on another network? is an obvious question," continues Gibbs. “Because the president was given a book entitled The Gospel According to LOST by Christian preacher Chris Seay last week. It is now the president’s understanding that LOST is an obvious presentation of the Christian message. While President Obama values all religious expressions equally, he does not want to offend his Christian friends once more.”

Reverend Brian McLaren, a regular advisor to the president on religious matters confirmed Obama’s desire to reach out to Christians after the “unfortunate Charlie Brown incident.” McLaren did say that this should bring back many of those in the Emerging Church movement who were frustrated by Obama because he had wimped out and acted too conservative on many issues, “they worship LOST even more than they care about their politics or theology.”

Evangelicalism isn't dead- sorry for the misunderstanding

Corrections: It has come to our attention that the report from January 7, 2010 entitled “Obituary for the Emerging Church” was incorrect regarding one fact.

It erroneously reported that the Emerging Church's paternal grandmother, Evangelicalism had died in 2009. This was incorrect.

In fact, Evangelicalism is still alive. In late fall 2009, while frail from incurable brain cancer and early onset dementia, Evangelicalism was brutally attacked by the editors of Patrol magazine in a New York alleyway. The attack was not fatal.

Presently, Evangelicalism is in a persistent vegetative state on a ventilator in a Florida hospice.

Buddhism Drops Tiger Woods, proposes trade for Denzel Washington

Buddhism Drops Sponsorship Deal With Tiger Woods

Dharamsala, India- In an unprecedented show of unity, three of the major schools of Buddhism have come together to announce that their religion will no longer sponsor Tiger Woods, should he return to the PGA tour. Speaking from a hotel in Dharamsala, India, a spokesman for the Dalai Lama announced the news. According to the spokesman, the three major schools of Buddhism, including Theravada (the school Tiger Woods’ mother is affiliated with), Mahayana and Vajrayana have decided that the Dalai Lama, as the public face of all Buddhists (even though he is the head of a relatively small sect of Vajrayana Buddhists) to Americans, should deliver the statement.

The statement is as follows;

“It has come to our attention that many other organizations and groups have severed ties with Tiger Woods following his unfortunate transgressions which were made public in late November, 2009. Like Accenture, AT&T and Gatorade, Buddhism feels that Tiger Woods’ transgressions are not a reflection upon our central tenants and his public image is one that we would like to separate from, as reports indicate he is being courted by other major religions. However, please consider this a suspension. He is not a free agent and we will not let him out of his air tight contract without compensation. Our agent, Scott Boras will be available for question following this event.

While we had never considered Tiger Woods a spokesperson for Buddhism, we feel we must take this step for a number of reasons; 1) Self styled spokesman Richard Gere made us look bad during the 1993 Oscars by asking Americans to channel their energy to their TVs so China would free Tibet. After recovery from that travesty, Steven Seagal’s movie career tanked embarrassing us even more. Needless to say, American celebrities are not the best role models for international Buddhists, 2) studies indicate that Buddhist men cheat on their wives at a lower rate than Christian men, including Protestants and much less than Evangelical Protestants in Public Office, 3) Brit Hume has indicated that Buddhism does not do redemption and forgiveness as well as Christianity. It is true that we do not have Western understandings of sin, individual moral redemption and god. Therefore, if Tiger Woods needs these things, he may want to consider another religion, especially since we did not even know he was a practicing Buddhist. Sure he mediates, but if we acknowledged every single person that meditates, we would be the biggest religion in the world.

By the way, we are older than Christianity. Just sayin’.”

During the question and answer time, the spokesman indicated an interest in a possible trade with Christianity. He has asked that Brit Hume, as the official spokesman for Christianity through his work at Fox News, the only news source for Tibetan Buddhists, please call the Dalai Lama to make arrangements. Buddhists are interest in a straight up trade for Tim Tebow or a Tiger Woods and Steven Seagal for Denzel Washington trade, especially if his new Christian movie is very good.

Press Statement from Mark Driscoll concerning his Steroid Usage

I have just intercepted this press release from 2015.

Statement to Members of the Press

From Mars Hill Church, Seattle, Washington. (January 12, 2015).

Due to rumors surrounding the use of performance enhancing drugs among pastors during the past 2 decades, the elders of Mars Hill Church, including Pastor Emeritus Mark Driscoll, have chosen to address this issue at this time.

From Pastor Mark:

“Now that I have retired from the pastorate to become Commissioner of Ultimate Christian Fighting®, an organization I started with the leaders of Acts 29 in 2011 to introduce young men to a more muscular version of Christianity, I have the chance to do something that I wish I was able to do a few years ago.

I never knew when, but I always knew this day would come. It's time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected. I used steroids during my preaching career and I apologize. Now, understand, I never used steroids personally and never consumed them in my body. My body is the product of good genes, hours in a gym, beer and naturally high levels of testosterone (I have stated before and will continue to state that Jesus had the highest levels of testosterone in human history). The steroids I used were injected directly into 3 areas; 1) My Bible, 2) The Gospel itself, 3) My preaching and writing.

I remember trying steroids very briefly in the 1996 church planting assessments in my preaching only and then after I saw how disturbingly wimpy emerging Christianity was becoming in 1999, I used steroids again, this time directly infusing my Bible with them. I used them on regularly throughout the Aughts, including during the days surrounding controversies with other preachers when I questioned their sexuality. My statement surrounding the fact that I could not follow a Jesus I could beat up was influenced by a steroid influenced Gospel, as was my preaching, teaching and commentary related to sex, sexuality and women’s issues. My Bible was completely addicted to these unnaturally high levels of testosterone.

While steroids have been rumored in the areas of my preaching directly related to my usage of harsh language and profanity before my repentance of such childishness, I would like to remind readers of this statement I am Irish and I did watch a lot of Chris Rock.

I wish I had never preached a steroid influenced Gospel. It was foolish and it was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had never pastored during the steroid era. I watched as many good pastors and theologians decided to emasculate Jesus and turn him into our sissified best friend. I saw liberal theology seeping into the pores of our schools and the young men becoming preachers. I saw God turned into a servant for our desires and a Gospel that no longer took sin seriously. Because of that, I turned to steroids. I am embarrassed for what I did, but my heart was as pure as the heart of a reformed person, sinful at birth and dead in that sin, although saved by grace alone can be (TULIP still rocks!).

Preaching is really different now -- it's been cleaned up. God and the theological unions implemented testing and they cracked down, and I'm glad they did. I'm grateful to the elders of Mars Hill and the board of directors at Ultimate Christian Fighting® for testing my Gospel and Biblical understanding, as well as my old sermon streams (can you believe people still use youtube?) before confronting me. Yes, there was outside pressure, which I usually ignore. But, my mentors would not let it go. It is nice, as I get older to walk into a church and not need to worry about the language of the pastor, whether or not he will goop (so much better than tweeting, hah) in 25 characters some insult towards others, and not have the ladies of my life insulted.

I do need to apologize to many of the young men that followed me on twitter, watched and listened to my sermons, came to Acts 29 events and worshiped my church and its teachings. They decided that they could do everything that I did. I truly believe that many people were hurt by their reckless usage of a steroid influenced gospel. In fact, I did not know that these followers were so immature that they would merely copy me without using their own brains. I should have been a better role model. They should have not been working their own anger issues out in front of their churches. This morning via conference tweet I spoke to many of those young men I have influenced throughout the years through my preaching and teaching of a steroid influenced Gospel. They were noticeably upset. As they are tested, please be gentler on them than they were on their congregations.

I want to say thank you to John Piper for always giving me a hard time about my Gospel testosterone levels, to my children (girls included), wife, and to my Acts 29 teammates. I want to make sure wives know that they do not need to be hot and keep up to magazine standards to keep their husbands from straying (although it does help) and you don’t have to do absolutely anything your husband wants you to do sexually. I also want people to know Jesus does have a sensitive side also. However, it is still a sin to drink lite beer.

After all this time, I want to come clean. I was not in a position to do that five years ago in my interviews with Christianity Today, but now I feel an obligation to discuss this and to answer questions about it.

I'll do that, and then I just want to help my team."

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT: XXXXXXXXXXXXX

PHONE: XXX-XXX-XXXX

Date of release: January 12, 2015

Caveat: note to followers of Mark Driscoll and others that take themselves and their fiefdoms way too seriously, please note that I just made fun of your enemy (the Emerging Church). I make fun of things. It is what I do. I know Mark. We have had good times together in the past, usually surrounding mutual loves of Jesus, baseball, cigars and beer. I doubt he would be offended by my gentle poking.

Death to the Emerging Church! Long Live the Emerged Church!

Yes, I am trying to kill the Emerging Church!

Or

“They stabbed it with their steely knives, but they just can’t kill the beast.” (if you don't know that reference, be ashamed and then google)

I don't know. In some ways I don't care, since this latest kerfuffle seems to be about semantics and making sure people are valued.

Yesterday’s little post highlighted the “controversy” over the death of the Emerging Church. Andrew Jones seemed to be trying to communicate that the Emerging Church might be dead, because it was now part of the mainstream (at least that is what I was hearing). Tony Jones seemed to disagree because he is on the receiving end of some of the attacks from the mainstream. In her response to both streams, Danielle Shroyer tells us that the revolution is no longer revolutionary (but not fully mainstream). All excellent points in my opinion. But, what do I know? I am no longer a pastor, not a theologian and not really part of any groupings at this time. I am just a guy that likes to tell people what music to listen to, what movies to see and make fun of everything.

if you wonder why I seem to take delight in making fun of things I am involved in, even tangentially, look back to my postings from earlier this year on Not Taking Yourself Seriously. I think we are all narcissistic and ridiculous people that believe ridiculous things about ourselves and the world around us. These ridiculous things need to be ridiculed occasionally.

However, you may wonder what I feel about regarding the death of the Emerging Church (why my opinion matters is beyond me, but I will share it narcissistically). Well, I want the Emerging Church to die… semantically. In fact, the very term communicates an ending and a death of its present condition (you have to emerge into something else or you cease to exist). I hate to be simplistic, but a caterpillar is dying (in its present form), from the second it begins life because it is on its way to becoming something else. That’s how I feel about the emerging church. It is on its way to being an emerged church, so it must die (semantically).

I sit in between all these worlds wanting there to be no emerging church in its present manifestation. I don't want people to think my views are heterodox or controversial (in fact, so many of the things I believe that used to scare people are becoming "normal"). It is my hope that we are on our way to such mainstream acceptance of the ideals of the emerging church (in all its forms) that the term no longer means anything. It is just the church... and it has many forms. And that is okay, because there is no real “threat” to the Gospel, Jesus or God, if those things are big enough to handle ALL of our ridiculous ideas from all sides.

In my little world, Tony’s ideas are part of the conversation and not radical (in any definition of that world). Andrew’s ideas are part of the bigger normal also, as are Brian McLaren's, Mark Driscoll’s, Julie Clawson’s, Jim Belcher’s, Soong-Chan Rah’s, Ed Stetzer’, Patrol Magazine’s, Relevant’s, the Ecclesia Network’s, the Origins Project’s, Emergent Village's, Acts 29’s and others. In my view of the world, none of them are threats to the other, or Christianity.*

They just ARE part of the bigger picture of Christianity, emerging and hopefully emerged, even if I find some of the ideas wrong, simplistic, bothersome, lacking in proper progressiveness or too far out there.** I want a church in which Agonistic Christians that love who they think Jesus may be are part of the same bigger tent that readers of the King James only and snake handlers are part of. Listen, you may think I am just some wishy-washy Liberal, but I have my beliefs about who God and Jesus are, how to interpret the Bible and what happens when we die. I can argue them and I THINK I am right, much of the time. But, my view that I am a ridiculous narcissist, wrong more often than I am right (and you are too), colors all of this and allows me to live in a very big tent.

So, to kill the Emerging Church, just let them in. Don't worry, they won't destroy anything big enough to follow. Then a new Emerging Church can come along and tell us what we are doing wrong and how we need to change and emerge.

Death to the Emerging Church (semantically)! Long Live an Emerged Church (semantically)!

and let our kids create a new emerging church in 20 years, after we have screwed this one up:)

*of course in my view of the world: The Cardinals were robbed of their rightful Super Bowl win last year, global warming exists, there were no Weapons of Mass Destruction, people should not die or go broke because they sick, Ted Kennedy and Ronald Reagan are pretty decent guys, a person’s sexuality doesn’t really matter to anyone else, all political correctness sucks, Jesus and his teachings are worth following, and people are valued, whether unborn, male, female, straight, gay, rich, poor, dying, young, old, American, Afghani, Christian, Jewish, Muslim or Pagan. So take all of this with a grain of salt.

** this can be a stretch for me, especially with my views on the atheological consumerism of the seeker church, the political dangers of dispensational premillenialism and other apocalyptic beliefs, the evils of health and wealth and other streams of Christianity I just don't like or find damaging.

An Obituary for the Emerging Church

The Emerging Church, A Controversial movement inspiring many the past 10 years, Dies at 21

MINNEAPOLIS — The Emerging Church, the controversial Christian movement that inspired many to plant churches, leave behind their faith and question authority, died in her sleep Thursday following a short illness. She was 21 (according to some sources).

The cause was cardiac arrest, according to spokesperson Steve Knight. According to police, foul play and suicide have not been ruled out at this time. According to person of interest, Andrew Jones, she was ready to die and beyond any life-saving treatment.

Mrs. Church was the “reason for the failure of many church institutions and the paved the road to Hell with good intentions”, according to critic Ken Silva. While she has many enemies in established and institutional churches, many of whom were distant relatives, according to supporters, Mrs. Church was instrumental in the advent of many advances in the Christian church, including facial hair, tattoos, fair trade coffee, candles, couches in sanctuaries, distortion pedals, Rated R movie discussions, clove cigarettes and cigars, beer and use of Macs, as well as the advancement of women’s issues, conversations about sexuality, environmentalism, anti-foundationalism, social justice and the demise of the Republican party's stranglehold on young Christians.

However, according to Post-Emergent spokesperson Rick Bennett, these advancements never included taste in film and music, with Mrs. Church always thinking Coldplay, and anything that sounded like it was 70’s soft rock was edgy, “I think she was drawn to anything with nebulous spirituality that sounded kinda like the worship music she grew up on, plus she was enamored with overblown pabulum like LOST, Heroes and 24 or pseudo-philosophy like the Matrix. Give me a break, she couldn’t tell Truffaut from Fellini.”

Controversies on Gay Marriage and the ordination of Homosexuals caused many stresses in her life, leading to a downturn in her health.

Mrs. Church, who began her career as at a gathering of young white, mostly American and predominately male church leaders in New Mexico in 1998, had been recently spending time in Africa with friend Brian McLaren, attempting to apologize for Colonialism. She was also attempting to gather women and people of color in an attempt to reconcile her past to her vision for the future of the church.

She is survived by her parents, the Seeker Church, and Sojourners; her paternal grandmother, the former Deconstructionism, now Postmodernity; her maternal grandmother, French Nihilism and her paternal great-grandparents, the Social Gospel and Fundamentalism. Her paternal grandfather, the Jesus Movement died months before her birth. Her paternal grandmother, Evangelicalism died in 2009. She is also survived by sister House Church movement and brother New Monastacism. She is also survived by two sons, Presbymergent and Something-in-Europe People Say is Relevant; and 10 grandchildren (that won’t scare your grandparents), along with ex-husbands Mark Driscoll and the Origins Movement.

Emerging Church was born on January 1, 1989, in New Zealand. Her family moved, when she was a child, to the United States. She traveled much, taking up residence in Dallas, TX, Pasadena, CA, Spencerville, MD and the Minneapolis area. Her father, the child of California’s Jesus Movement lived primarily in the Chicago suburbs, while her mother lived in Washington, DC with boyfriend the Democratic Party. Her parents have since reconciled.

Mrs. Church’s growing frustration with her father’s church and grandparent’s theology started her on a journey that ultimately led to her death. “I will change Christianity if it kills me in the process,” she was famous for saying, long before she spent summers camping with Fundamentalists in the woods, hoping to understand their fascination with propositional statements and rules.

“Personally, I think one of those danged Fundamentalists attacked her and ate her when she wasn’t looking,” says friend Karen Ward of Seattle. “You should look at Andrew Jones and make sure he has no bottles of sleeping pills in his possession,” says Mike Morrell of Atlanta. Josh Brown, Ryan Sharpe and Becky Garrison told me that they thought she was already dead.

Not surprisingly, in today’s celebrity culture, some of her friends and followers have set up vigils protesting the news of her death. Close personal friend, Tony Jones tells anyone still listening; “now I don’t want to get all Tupac, or Elvis on anyone, but she isn’t dead. Her demise is a ploy by her enemies to destroy her credibility and the credibility of those who work on her behalf. She is alive and well, but probably being held hostage by John Piper. I have sources that tell me she was last seen in downtown Minneapolis near Bethlehem Church, in a blizzard I am sure Piper will say was caused by her friends, the Gays. I am sure the body they have is a double found at a local morgue.” As of now, he is the spokesman for what could be a large contingent of possible conspiracy theorists demanding more answers. Some have called this group Emergent Truthers.

Mrs. Church’s influence will be debated for years to come. Details of her death have not yet been released. Funeral arrangements are in the planning stages.

Andrew Jones, wanted for questioning in the death of the Emerging Church

Andrew Jones, AKA “Tall Skinny Kiwi” is a person of interest in the possible death of The Emerging Church. He is wanted by the Minneapolis Police Department for questioning. “This is merely a discussion,” says Police Spokesperson Frank O’Reilly. “We are not ruling out natural causes, but due to some public statements on the part of Mr. Jones, we would like the opportunity to talk to him in our office, with his lawyer present.”

Mr. Jones, a native of New Zealand (and not a personal friend of Peter Jackson, apparently the only Kiwi that doesn’t actually know Mr. Jackson and has not worked for Jackson), was last seen in Europe with his family. Jones has no fixed address, but considers himself a friend of the Emerging Church. In fact, through public statements he has intimated his presence at the birth (or conception) of the Church. At this time it is unknown if Mr. Jones is related to the church (some say he is a parent) or was a doctor in the room at the time of its birth.

Mrs. Church, born in 1989, had many enemies and was rumored to have been suffering from a possible terminal illness. However, close friend Tony Jones of Edina, states that Mrs. Church was in fact only suffering from frayed nerves brought on by the stress of the impending divorce with The Origins Project. He said, “She was not feeling well, but I do not believe The Emerging Church was needing anything besides rest. In fact, should any foul play be found, I think there are other suspects in the case, including the Southern Baptist Convention and any of John Piper’s followers. However, I think she is not really dead. In fact, I think this report is premature. Yes, it seems as if someone has drugged her and left her for dead, but she will recover. I must believe that.”

Tony Jones, who is not related to Andrew Jones, but describes himself as a friend of Andrew, says that he is worried about Andrew Jones, who has had to live in multiple worlds for too long. “Eventually the stress may have gotten to him,” says Tony Jones, "In fact, while I don’t want to implicate him in anything unsavory, if anything has happened to the Emerging Church, I would look at Andrew as a suspect in a possible misguided mercy killing.”

Reached for comment, a lawyer for Andrew Jones stated, "my client would not participate in a mercy killing. In fact, he has very, very orthodox opinions on such issues. He is completely against euthanasia. In fact, he believes exactly what he is supposed to believe on all issues related to orthodoxy. Really. He does. However, Andrew did state to me that he was concerned for the life of the Emerging Church. Anything you have read from him is merely his attempt to show his love for a relative.”

Mr. Jones was last seen in with his family. He is very white and very tall. If you have any information related to his whereabouts, please contact the Minneapolis Police Department or Interpol.

Emerging Church rushed to Local Hospital

Minneapolis, MN- Contradictory reports are coming in. However, according to TMZ and Perez Hilton, the Emerging Church was rushed to an area hospital with cardiac arrest. Mrs. Church had been suffering from undisclosed illnesses in the recent past.

Although seeming to be older, she is merely 20 years old. Friend Tony Jones of Edina says the reports are erroneous and that The Emerging Church is alive and well, "maybe it was the Seeker Sensitive Church that was taken to the hospital, that thing has been on its last legs for 10 years."

Update- Reports from EMTs say the Church has died.